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3rd DDay - Now I want to be friends and I feel sort of guilt

browndog319

By browndog319
in The Other Man / Woman

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browndog319 Established Member

browndog319

Posted
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Poor MM had his 3rd DDay because I saw a sign at the beach in August that only he would appreciate, a sign for Chocolate covered bacon. We always joked about bacon being the candy of meat. So I Emailed it to his work Email which he gets on his iphone. Apparently his wife put a keylogger on his iphone (since she sees my FB which he has asked me to not block her, she also so this photo there). She said "Three strikes you're out" because we exchanged multiple emails on the topic. Nothing too terrible, but friendly and kind.

 

In the meantime, in my personal life I started dating a yummy guy who was one of my roommates at my shore house. MM knew about it and was really kind and supportive. At first I wanted him to be jealous. He was a little wistful. But he said he wanted me to be happy after all he put me through and for how much more was coming. And he promised that no matter what, he was my friend. I was to count on him no matter what. After that 3 strikes your out comment, his wife told him they were simply living like roommates. She was staying simply for the money and their boys. MM is allowing this. So he is pretty unhappy, they aren't doing counseling, they are simply existing.

 

I feel guilty for my contribution to this and that I've moved on. I really like this new guy and I'm excited for what might happen. I'm also really happy that MM seems to genuinely want to put my happiness first. And that maybe we will be friends. I do care about him. But maybe we will wind up in an okay place and not angry and spiteful.

 

And I'm feeling better about putting this all behind me. His wife still checks out my FB and LinkedIn profiles. But I feel like I can be happy. It's tremendous.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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How fair is it to your "new" guy to be friends with your recent exMM? Please put yourself in the new guys shoes.. Reverse the situation. And ask yourself if you would want your new beau to be 'friendly and friends' with his ex(MW)? My guess would be no..

 

You can't and won't let this new guy in totally because you still feel for MM. No friendship is possible because you two had an affair. It's not an innocent friendship, there's an affair dynamic, lying and deceiving that went on and on..

 

He will tell you one thing but mean and do another.. Deep down I think you know this too.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

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How fair is it to your "new" guy to be friends with your recent exMM? Please put yourself in the new guys shoes.. Reverse the situation. And ask yourself if you would want your new beau to be 'friendly and friends' with his ex(MW)? My guess would be no..

 

You can't and won't let this new guy in totally because you still feel for MM. No friendship is possible because you two had an affair. It's not an innocent friendship, there's an affair dynamic, lying and deceiving that went on and on..

 

He will tell you one thing but mean and do another.. Deep down I think you know this too.

 

 

TOTALLY AGREE!!! Do yourself and this new guy a favor....start out this R and continue it with no secrets, no lies, no unwanted baggage.

 

You owe the xMM....NOTHING. He gave you nothing. Move on, don't stay in contact. You don't have to hate him and not like him as a person to not have contact with him. It just means the new life you are carving out for yourself does not require old baggage from the past that is full of lies and deceit.

 

Find your real happiness and peace....and become completely free of this other world you left behind!!!!

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

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What about fairness to his wife? How is remaining friends fair to her?

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
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What about fairness to his wife? How is remaining friends fair to her?
I guess she thinks because they are now living as roommates, it's all ok...

 

By the way, how does one know when someone has viewed your FB profile, if they don't leave a comment? I don't do FB, but this struck me as odd. Just wondering because my H had a FB page many moons ago, until one of his photos showed up elsewhere. He always figured an ex "borrowed" it, but never had any proof.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
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I guess she thinks because they are now living as roommates, it's all ok...

 

By the way, how does one know when someone has viewed your FB profile, if they don't leave a comment? I don't do FB, but this struck me as odd. Just wondering because my H had a FB page many moons ago, until one of his photos showed up elsewhere. He always figured an ex "borrowed" it, but never had any proof.

 

 

I have no clue. FB is "after" my time. Too complicated. :o I learned to count on an abacus.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

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I have no clue. FB is "after" my time. Too complicated. :o I learned to count on an abacus.

 

 

LMAO. I don't come from the generation where fb should be after my time. BUT, it sure feels like I fall into it. Too many things that I don't get. Blocking someone, not blocking them, etc. I went on mine to keep it private from everyone (aka xMM and his W) and ended up where not even my friends can see my posts. ARGH!!! I didn't change it as I think FB is such a waste of time. But, I hear ya on what your saying. too funny. :)

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

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I think we are in agreeance that you should not have any contact with the xMM. And I agree with the post it makes no difference if it was an A or not, you really should not maintain contact with any man who you have been intimate with, unless of course he is your xH and you have children. and even THAT gets sticky with your new R partner.

 

I really want you to think this question I have through tho.... I'm not trying to be harsh. Just trying to get you to think outside the box. Why do you really want to stay in contact with him???? I'm not getting at that you are subciously holding out hope, (although that might be a reason), but it might be to be able to rub his nose in your happiness, Idk. But there is something that is keeping you feeling like you want to stay in contact with him and to me (and this is just my opinion)....that is what I like to call keeping the door open. If not just a little. For whatever reasoning is behind it, you are keeping that door open, ever so slightly. And that is scary.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

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i'm kind of confused so maybe you can help me understand.

 

the guy chose to say in his marriage and your relationship ended ( not to be blunt, but he chose his marriage over your relationship). You knew this, and it sounds like you also knew that his wife had set certain "conditions" for the marriage, one of which, i am assuming, is no further contact with you. Seems pretty understandable.

 

So you know that what he wants is to to be in his marriage and that further contact with you will jeopardize that, and you chose to contact him him some nonsense about chocolate bacon? I kind of find the idea that the contact was just "to be friendly" a little hard t swallow. And even if it was, you say you want him to be your "friend" ...but isn't part of being a friend that you would not knowingly do something that will mess up their life?

 

In my opinion, you need to really examine why you are making the choices you are making. right now, your "friendship" seems to be doing him more harm than good.

 

 

Totally agree!!! I think the OP is making it okay in her mind b/c the BS has decided they are "roomies" now. So, I think she thinks that is okay if she stays friends, since his M is "over" and him and his wife are basically just sharing a life.

woinlove Established Member

woinlove

Posted
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it sounds as if she knew that any further contact between the two of them would end his reconciliation with his wife, and yet she chose to contact him about chocolate bacon?

 

the more i think about it, the more i wonder if, on some level, she sent him the note/picture/whatever because she knew it would interfere in his marriage. not a nice way to treat a "friend"

 

If she was thinking of him, his situation, his needs, then I would think she was testing him - rather than knowing it would interfere in his marriage. He could have ignored her message or forwarded it to his W -- if he wants to be committed to his M and is capable of that kind of commitment. In that case, her message might have been an irritant to MM, his W, or both, but would not have so negatively affected his marriage.

 

However, it's also possible that browndog was mainly thinking of herself and wanting the kind of reassurance or attention that MM gave her in the past. Affairs often involve selfish acts unlike friendships where one strives to avoid actions that might cause distress or trouble to a friend.

 

Browndog, whatever your motivation, you've learned that if you pursue him, MM will respond in a way which doesn't seem to prompt him to leave his M but does prompt him to make a bigger mess of it. Perhaps even if you don't pursue, he will continue in this mode of making more of a mess of a marriage he chooses to remain in. But if you don't pursue or respond, at least you would know you are no longer contributing to the mess.

 

As to friendship, I don't think there is much potential for a true friendship - at least not in the short term. Perhaps if MM left his M (whether voluntary or forced) there might be potential for friendship if your romantic feelings had already dissipated.

 

Even if it doesn't seem like it now (actually, particularly if it doesn't seem like it now) I think you will be happier in the long run if you drop the idea of friendship with xMM and focus on the rest of your life and interests.

Edited by woinlove
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
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You're dating someone new...you had an affair with him resulting in several ddays and his wife obviously has access to when you guys communicate and doesn't like it...none of that sounds like great grounds to continue a 'friendship".

 

I think it is a rare case where people can be genuine friends with their ex-lovers after they part ways. Acquaintances, yes. Being cordial, yes. But close and friendly, rarely.

 

I'd respect his marriage (I guess it's not too late to start :confused:) and my own relationship by not pursuing this friendship. I'm sure you will all be better off that way.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

Posted
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You're dating someone new...you had an affair with him resulting in several ddays and his wife obviously has access to when you guys communicate and doesn't like it...none of that sounds like great grounds to continue a 'friendship".

 

I think it is a rare case where people can be genuine friends with their ex-lovers after they part ways. Acquaintances, yes. Being cordial, yes. But close and friendly, rarely.

 

I'd respect his marriage (I guess it's not too late to start :confused:) and my own relationship by not pursuing this friendship. I'm sure you will all be better off that way.

 

 

Good point M!!! I never looked at it as its never too late to start respecting their M. I like that!!!

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browndog319 Established Member

browndog319

Posted
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All good points - definitely something to consider. I am actually friends with all of my ex-BFs. Most of us broke up because of timing - very little drama. So I guess in my mind I was thinking that it was a good thing that we could wind up there...

 

He USUALLY contacts me - I did just send him the picture because he would appreciate it and it was after he had sent me a note anyway so what was the harm. Right?

 

So is he continuing to make a mess of things? Yes. Do I respond. Yeah, but it's because I hate when I get ignored.

 

I never thought of asking the new man - he does know about xMM. I've been honest about that. But I never thought about him having a problem with us speaking. He has lots of women that like him (to the point of throwing drinks) and that doesn't bother me. I guess I'm not jealous so it never occurred to me.

 

Good advice though - I do want him to be happy.

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
I guess she thinks because they are now living as roommates, it's all ok...

 

By the way, how does one know when someone has viewed your FB profile, if they don't leave a comment? I don't do FB, but this struck me as odd. Just wondering because my H had a FB page many moons ago, until one of his photos showed up elsewhere. He always figured an ex "borrowed" it, but never had any proof.

 

You can't tell who has viewed your profile on FB and for linked in, unless she is logged in as HER, you can only tell how many times your profile is viewed and by "someone at Xerox" type of thing.

 

I have an iphone - I am curious how SHE put a key logger on it. the only way to do it is to jailbreak your iphone, and unless she is a pretty dang technical person, its pretty difficult for a 'regular' person to do that.

 

Something sounds fishy........

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browndog319 Established Member

browndog319

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On LinkedIn, you can absolutely know because it says "anonymous LinkedIn user" and her viewings always coincide with when he is on the road traveling. He told me she stalks me there. He also told me she is always on my FB page and had also seen the chocolate covered bacon picture there.

 

And you can absolutely put a keylogger on an iphone. Google it. And you don't have to lock your iphone. And he probably gave her the code to his iphone as a sign of good faith. I've never just texted randomly. That is the ONLY way she could have gotten that Email because it was to and from his work Email and he was traveling. All of those messages he was responding to from his iphone and his work Emails go to his iphone. We don't have the same issue if he emails from his work laptop. So he can text me from his work cell or email from his laptop, but nothing else.

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
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I DID google it....

 

"[COLOR=#000202]All iPhones MUST be jailbroken prior to installing Mobile Spy. You cannot download or install Mobile Spy if the iPhone is not jailbroken. "

 

I have just searched several sites and the iphone must be jailbroken first. And if she has done this; it is sad how far a spouse has to go in regards to their partner :( If I ever got to that point, I wouldn't stay married. Unfortunately, she knows first hand the type of person she is married to. If she chooses to stay for whatever reasons, that is her choice. Just like it is HIS choice to stay. He must not care how long she has his phone since it takes a while at times to down load apps.

 

And I know what linked in says when the profile is viewed; so I guess all those anonymous views must be from her?

 

IF the affair is over, why do you care about all this? Go and enjoy the new relationship and if you really want to see where things go with the new guy, end the 'friendship' with the MM. I would bet you wouldn't be happy if you knew he was talking to an ex girlfriend who he loved very very much.

[/COLOR]

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

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I DID google it....

 

"[COLOR=#000202]All iPhones MUST be jailbroken prior to installing Mobile Spy. You cannot download or install Mobile Spy if the iPhone is not jailbroken. "[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202]I have just searched several sites and the iphone must be jailbroken first. And if she has done this; it is sad how far a spouse has to go in regards to their partner :( If I ever got to that point, I wouldn't stay married. Unfortunately, she knows first hand the type of person she is married to. If she chooses to stay for whatever reasons, that is her choice. Just like it is HIS choice to stay. He must not care how long she has his phone since it takes a while at times to down load apps.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202]And I know what linked in says when the profile is viewed; so I guess all those anonymous views must be from her?[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202]IF the affair is over, why do you care about all this? Go and enjoy the new relationship and if you really want to see where things go with the new guy, end the 'friendship' with the MM. I would bet you wouldn't be happy if you knew he was talking to an ex girlfriend who he loved very very much.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000202][/COLOR]

 

 

Okay... what the hell is jail whatever. My lord, I can't keep up with this stuff!

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browndog319 Established Member

browndog319

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who cares if she had to jail break it or whatever? Lots of people do it. It doesn't change that that's what she did. Or that it's possible.

 

What does THAT prove? Anyone can do anything they want if they want it badly enough...

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Why is his wife the bad guy here? She has every right to check up on her husband. He's lying and been gaslighting her, playing her for a fool.

 

As for your fb page, make it private so NO ONE other than your friends on your list can view your page. If you make your page public, then expect lurkers and people to look. It's that simple.

 

Anyway, your MM is the one who created this mess, with your help. His wife is doing damage control and is reacting.. Rightfully so. ANd he just sits there, loving that TWO women are wanting and fighting over him.

Angelina527 Established Member

Angelina527

Posted
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On LinkedIn, you can absolutely know because it says "anonymous LinkedIn user" and her viewings always coincide with when he is on the road traveling. He told me she stalks me there. He also told me she is always on my FB page and had also seen the chocolate covered bacon picture there.

 

And you can absolutely put a keylogger on an iphone. Google it. And you don't have to lock your iphone. And he probably gave her the code to his iphone as a sign of good faith. I've never just texted randomly. That is the ONLY way she could have gotten that Email because it was to and from his work Email and he was traveling. All of those messages he was responding to from his iphone and his work Emails go to his iphone. We don't have the same issue if he emails from his work laptop. So he can text me from his work cell or email from his laptop, but nothing else.

 

I hate it when people refer to viewing profiles as "stalking." Stalking is being terrified to open your blinds because you know the source of your fear is right outside just waiting to get a glimpse of you. Stalking is being afraid to walk outside for fear of being attacked. Stalking is being afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of him breaking in. Stalking is having to look over your shoulder everywhere you go because he's always there and always watching. A BW looking at your page is NOT stalking. And what would you expect after intruding in her marriage?

 

I like the above statement about it never being to late to begin respecting his marriage.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

Posted
Posted
On LinkedIn, you can absolutely know because it says "anonymous LinkedIn user" and her viewings always coincide with when he is on the road traveling. He told me she stalks me there. He also told me she is always on my FB page and had also seen the chocolate covered bacon picture there.

 

And you can absolutely put a keylogger on an iphone. Google it. And you don't have to lock your iphone. And he probably gave her the code to his iphone as a sign of good faith. I've never just texted randomly. That is the ONLY way she could have gotten that Email because it was to and from his work Email and he was traveling. All of those messages he was responding to from his iphone and his work Emails go to his iphone. We don't have the same issue if he emails from his work laptop. So he can text me from his work cell or email from his laptop, but nothing else.

 

 

THIS IS EXACTLY MY POINT I'VE BEEN MAKING ALL ALONG. These guys plot the OW agaisnt the W, and vice versa. He told me she stalks me. Then she says he told me the OW wants my life.

one word....DEVERSION!!! This is why the OW and the W get so ate up with eachother and the fights and compeitions set in.

Those damn evil bastards. ARGH!!!!

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