Thoughts from the other side

[wannabdone]

So, CrzyMom... How are you doing?

[CrazyMom]

So, CrzyMom... How are you doing?

 

I'm ok, thanks for asking. Yesterday and today have been harder because H was out of town and is back now. My stomach was in knots when he got here for some reason and I've been thinking of the OM a lot. Started looking for a therapist last night but haven't chosen one yet. Hopefully soon.

 

How are you?

[wannabdone]

I'm ok, thanks for asking. Yesterday and today have been harder because H was out of town and is back now. My stomach was in knots when he got here for some reason and I've been thinking of the OM a lot. Started looking for a therapist last night but haven't chosen one yet. Hopefully soon.

 

How are you?

 

 

I've been better, kind of a rough night.

 

I'm glad your going to go to a therapist. It will really help you. And remember if you go to one, and don't feel like its a fit, find another. Its very much like a relationship, you have to keep searching till you find the right fit.

 

I think your probably thinking of him a lot bc your husband asked you about if you love him or not. You think? I know when I was going through what you are , it was like a knee jerk response to immediately think of the OM if things got sticky with my H. I never saw myself as someone who had to be with someone, but I definitely was acting as so. I just want you to know that I feel what your going through. And I know its hard. As soon as you can PM I will tell you more about it. And coming from the woman who did leave and try to be with the OM, I would suggest you try at your M first. If it still doesn't work, like I said, you can lay your head down and know you tried. I still carry guilt for my son that i didn't try to make his dad and I's relationship in there.

My heart goes out to you.

 

((((hugs)))))

[Disillusioned_Wife]

I think things changed shortly after we got married, and definitely after our son was born.

 

I got pregnant pretty quickly, and although we planned it, I never felt like my husband was that into the whole pregnancy. He just wasn't as connected as I would've liked him to be.

 

Then our son was born premature at 29 weeks so I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and I think I changed a lot as a person. I quit my job to stay home, a couple months later we moved 3 hours away, left our home. Then 10 months later we moved back. Our son has had numerous issues with eating, including flat out refusing and having to be fed in his sleep. It's been hard for me and I feel like he never fully understood. There's been a lot happen in our short marriage.

 

I also don't think he's the father I expected him to be. Not to say he's not a great dad, he definitely is. But he tends to focus more on financially supporting his family. Money isn't everything. He never once got up at night with our son. If I'm around, all the "work" is my job. He'll play, but only takes care of the "responsibilities" if I have gone out for some reason. Which doesn't happen often.

 

I've had a 29 weeker and a 33 weeker. Almost had my second at 24 weeks. I know what it's like to have premature babies weigh heavily on a marriage. The sleepless nights, the long hours at the hospital, the heavy burden.

 

It's your responsibility as a wife to communicate these issues with your husband. Money may not be everything but money is what makes this world and society turn. You need a roof over your head to have groceries, electric to cook that food, vehicle to get it. All these things keep you healthy for you and your son.

 

Ultimately, if you haven't spoken up then why is he getting blamed for not mind reading? Regardless of what Hollywood would have us think, humans are not psychic and cannot read minds.

 

You need to woman up and start talking to your husband. Perhaps he needs to man up and start talking to his wife too but it takes ONE PERSON to open the lines of communication. Just one.

[CrazyMom]

I've been better, kind of a rough night.

 

I'm glad your going to go to a therapist. It will really help you. And remember if you go to one, and don't feel like its a fit, find another. Its very much like a relationship, you have to keep searching till you find the right fit.

 

I think your probably thinking of him a lot bc your husband asked you about if you love him or not. You think? I know when I was going through what you are , it was like a knee jerk response to immediately think of the OM if things got sticky with my H. I never saw myself as someone who had to be with someone, but I definitely was acting as so. I just want you to know that I feel what your going through. And I know its hard. As soon as you can PM I will tell you more about it. And coming from the woman who did leave and try to be with the OM, I would suggest you try at your M first. If it still doesn't work, like I said, you can lay your head down and know you tried. I still carry guilt for my son that i didn't try to make his dad and I's relationship in there.

My heart goes out to you.

 

((((hugs)))))

 

Thank you. I hope you're having a better night tonight.

 

I think what I'm going through, or at least my feelings, are probably very similar to your situation. So I really appreciate your help with this. How long does it usually take to be able to send/receive PMs?

 

I think about OM every day, but some days I'm more sad than others. And somedays I rub salt in my own wounds.

 

I'm sure it'll get easier eventually. But for now I really miss him. My fear is that I'll wonder what might've been for the rest of my life.

[wannabdone]

Thank you. I hope you're having a better night tonight.

 

I think what I'm going through, or at least my feelings, are probably very similar to your situation. So I really appreciate your help with this. How long does it usually take to be able to send/receive PMs?

 

I think about OM every day, but some days I'm more sad than others. And somedays I rub salt in my own wounds.

 

I'm sure it'll get easier eventually. But for now I really miss him. My fear is that I'll wonder what might've been for the rest of my life.

 

 

You can send PM's after you have been on here for one month.

 

 

And yes that makes sense. Totally. That is the very reason why you are in this to begin with. Ya know? Fact is, just getting clarity is the best thing for you right now. No sudden movements, that could be fatal. Never ever make decisions while under this type of mental state.

 

I get the rubbing salt in your wounds. Why we do that...I will never know. I will have to ask my therapist, but I am the president of that club!

 

Hang in there girl. You will get through this!

[CrazyMom]

from what I understand, parents of kids with "special needs" or other health concerns have a much higher divorce rate than families with healthy kids. Could be the added stress but I think that the fact that sometimes a parent in this situation can give so much emotionally, etc. to their child that there may be little left over for their spouse. There can also be feelings of guilt, inadequacy, fear, self- doubt, etc. that come into play too, as well as the need to have "care' for yourself too ( who cares for the caregiver?)

 

I definitely think children with "special needs" or that require special care takes a toll on a marriage. I think that has separated my H and I a lot because I've been the main person dealing with it. So maybe I have some resentment about it, deep down. However, that's never been something I've hidden from my H. We've talked and argued about this many times and things have gotten better.

 

And I should clarify, my son doesn't require extra care now. He's a picky eater, so his foods have to be high calorie. But it's definitely still stressful for me because he doesn't eat a lot and is on the verge of not gaining weight.

[CrazyMom]

CM I hope you take the time to read my prior post that addresses this. I can't help but think that all the stress that you've survived with a premie birth and the difficulties after is the root of the problem. I would also guess that you still have a lot on your shoulders because until some milestones happen with your son you aren't sure as to how the prematurity might have affected him developmentally wise. Please explore this in therapy. If you have been responsible for the bulk of his care, I'm sure this has affected you in ways that you probably aren't even aware of. I'm going to take a guess and say that inside you feel like you've lost YOU.

 

Hope this helps.

 

I did read your previous post, thank you.

 

I really do think I have some sort of PTSD from his birth. I remember saying around his one year birthday (when I was remembering back "a year ago this, a year ago that") that the day he was born was the worst day of my life. H didn't understand that and thought it should be the happiest. Even though it's easier now and I always try to remember that it could've been A LOT worse, I still carry sadness and guilt deep down. And you're right, probably a lot of other feelings and emotions that I don't even realize have an impact on me.

 

And yes, I do feel like I've lost me. My closest friends were co-workers. I left my job and lived 45 minutes away. A month later, we moved 3 hours away because H got a promotion. 10 months later, we moved back and now are 45 minutes away from them again. But I went over a year without seeing two of the people who I had considered my best friends. I went a year without seeing hardly any of my friends! Pair that with only having one vehicle that H drives to work 5 days a week, and having a child who eats in his sleep, I didn't leave the house much. My number one priority was feeding my son so I did what I had to do to get that done. Eating isn't something to mess with. Essentially, I was pretty isolated for a long time.

 

I don't want a pity party, that's not why I'm saying this. H and I both did what we had to do for our child, and continue to do so. I kept him from getting tube fed, so I'm proud of that. But I do think I have issues because of everything so I will definitely address it in therapy.

 

Thank you.

[pureinheart]

Then go to the Dr and get yourself checked up, hormone levels and all. Your marriage IS salvagable!

 

PS sorry about that last comment in my other reply (i'm super sensitive right now as my beloved cat passed away) so I am sorry, ignore the top part of my reply to you..

 

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) ..... my tears are with you love...

[pureinheart]

Hi CM,

 

I briefly read your thread, but read enough to see that you've got a lot on your plate. I don't have any profound wisdom... just love and prayers to send your way. ((((((((((hugs CM))))))))))

[wannabdone]

CM.... Just wanted you to know that I have been praying for you, that God will give you peace and wisdom and strength.

 

Also, wanted to check on you. See how you are doing.

 

xoxoxox

[CrazyMom]

CM.... Just wanted you to know that I have been praying for you, that God will give you peace and wisdom and strength.

 

Also, wanted to check on you. See how you are doing.

 

xoxoxox

 

Aww, thank you! You're sweet!

 

I'm ok. I went to a big rock concert with my brother yesterday so I got to scream a lot! It was a nice release

 

I've been really fighting the urge to contact the OM. Not that he would respond to anything but I just wonder what if he would? I've also been struggling with the thought that I'd be in an A if he wanted it. My feelings for him are still very strong.

 

How have you been?

[wannabdone]

Aww, thank you! You're sweet!

 

I'm ok. I went to a big rock concert with my brother yesterday so I got to scream a lot! It was a nice release

 

I've been really fighting the urge to contact the OM. Not that he would respond to anything but I just wonder what if he would? I've also been struggling with the thought that I'd be in an A if he wanted it. My feelings for him are still very strong.

 

How have you been?

 

 

I'm doing better, getting stronger everyday.

 

So, why the urge you think? (to contact). Just missing?

 

Did you find a name of a C, yet? How about your H? Anything progressing there?

[wannabdone]

Hey CM...

 

One last thought.... (and this is hard, it will be easier when we can PM and I can explain a lot of things better, I think my story will really help you, since they are so much alike)....

But..... When you are thinking about wanting to contact him, go write down what the pros/benefits you would get out of calling him and then the cons/problems you would get from calling him. (or contact him, whatever your poison is). I do this when I am wanting to, and I will quickly realize how much the con's out weigh the pro's. Plus, it kind of helps me work through what ever the reason I am wanting to is.

 

Thats why I asked why you think you want to contact him. Is it missing or seeing if there is still something there, etc.

 

Just promise me this much.... for right now, do nothing. Set still. Think over everything, write it out, work through what you want to speak to your counselor about, etc. Find a counselor and start going. Just don't do anything that will jeoardize your emotions or your life at the moment. I know you seem like me, a fixer. Which part of me wonders if thats half the reason I got into this. As a fix. What do you think about that angle?

 

I promise, if after this is all said and done, and you find your M is truly over, that OM will be there. He isn't M is he? I can't remember if he was. Is he the same age as you?? My old age is kicking in. LOL.

 

I'm continuing to pray for you everyday. Kind of feel silly when I say "Dear Lord, please be with CrazyMom." .....but he knows who you are!

I don't know if its because our stories are so similiar or what, but God has really laid you on my heart. Maybe who knows....If I end up being able to help you through something, it will have made my idiot mistakes worth while. Meaning, both of us can help eachother!!!

 

I'm glad you got to scream....its always nice to be able to do that. I'm thinking about taking a kick boxing class or something. I need to punch something on a daily basis.

 

Hang in there girl. I am proud of you!!!!

 

((((hugs))))))

[CrazyMom]

Hey CM...

 

One last thought.... (and this is hard, it will be easier when we can PM and I can explain a lot of things better, I think my story will really help you, since they are so much alike)....

But..... When you are thinking about wanting to contact him, go write down what the pros/benefits you would get out of calling him and then the cons/problems you would get from calling him. (or contact him, whatever your poison is). I do this when I am wanting to, and I will quickly realize how much the con's out weigh the pro's. Plus, it kind of helps me work through what ever the reason I am wanting to is.

 

Thats why I asked why you think you want to contact him. Is it missing or seeing if there is still something there, etc.

 

Just promise me this much.... for right now, do nothing. Set still. Think over everything, write it out, work through what you want to speak to your counselor about, etc. Find a counselor and start going. Just don't do anything that will jeoardize your emotions or your life at the moment. I know you seem like me, a fixer. Which part of me wonders if thats half the reason I got into this. As a fix. What do you think about that angle?

 

I promise, if after this is all said and done, and you find your M is truly over, that OM will be there. He isn't M is he? I can't remember if he was. Is he the same age as you?? My old age is kicking in. LOL.

 

I'm continuing to pray for you everyday. Kind of feel silly when I say "Dear Lord, please be with CrazyMom." .....but he knows who you are!

I don't know if its because our stories are so similiar or what, but God has really laid you on my heart. Maybe who knows....If I end up being able to help you through something, it will have made my idiot mistakes worth while. Meaning, both of us can help eachother!!!

 

I'm glad you got to scream....its always nice to be able to do that. I'm thinking about taking a kick boxing class or something. I need to punch something on a daily basis.

 

Hang in there girl. I am proud of you!!!!

 

((((hugs))))))

 

I'm glad that you're doing well and getting stronger! That has to be a great feeling.

 

As for why I want to contact OM, I just miss him. I enjoyed talking to him and wanted it to continue. I didn't want NC and I still don't. My whole motivation behind this was that I just wanted to get to know him. I realized that my feelings were coming from nowhere because I hardly knew anything about him. So we agreed that we'd be friends and get to know each other. Then if there was more between us we'd figure out what to do from there, or I WOULD figure out what to do from there. I still want all of that.

 

I really have never felt anything like this before. I spent only a few hours with this guy, in a professional setting, and couldn't get him out of my head. Within a week or so I was convinced that I wanted to be more than friends. I just kept thinking, and he kept asking - what is it about him? At least on my end, there's crazy chemistry and attraction between us. And I can't imagine that he didn't feel it too. Had we met under different circumstances I can't help but think we'd have something absolutely wonderful.

 

I'll try writing down the pros and cons, and maybe even just writing what I want to say would help. It'll get my words OUT but not necessarily to OM.

 

I will sit still. I don't want to make any sudden decisions while my mind is clouded. What do you mean by fixer? That I need a fix? That could definitely be it. I'm used to being the "chaser" in relationships and H was the first person that chased me. So maybe I'm just addicted to the excitement and after not having it for 6 years I need it again.

 

OM is not married. But paranoid me just imagines him going out and finding the perfect girl tomorrow. That thought alone brings me to tears. He is two years older than me.

 

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm so happy to have found you and these boards. It really does help me to have someone who can understand. Not being able to talk about all of this has really been driving me crazy. It's not easy to have such a HUGE thing going on that I have to keep inside 24/7.

 

Kickboxing would be fun and definitely a great way to get out some frustrations! You could be my neighbor and I wouldn't know it. If you were we could go together

 

Thank you for everything.

[wannabdone]

I'm glad that you're doing well and getting stronger! That has to be a great feeling.

 

As for why I want to contact OM, I just miss him. I enjoyed talking to him and wanted it to continue. I didn't want NC and I still don't. My whole motivation behind this was that I just wanted to get to know him. I realized that my feelings were coming from nowhere because I hardly knew anything about him. So we agreed that we'd be friends and get to know each other. Then if there was more between us we'd figure out what to do from there, or I WOULD figure out what to do from there. I still want all of that.

 

I really have never felt anything like this before. I spent only a few hours with this guy, in a professional setting, and couldn't get him out of my head. Within a week or so I was convinced that I wanted to be more than friends. I just kept thinking, and he kept asking - what is it about him? At least on my end, there's crazy chemistry and attraction between us. And I can't imagine that he didn't feel it too. Had we met under different circumstances I can't help but think we'd have something absolutely wonderful.

 

I'll try writing down the pros and cons, and maybe even just writing what I want to say would help. It'll get my words OUT but not necessarily to OM.

 

I will sit still. I don't want to make any sudden decisions while my mind is clouded. What do you mean by fixer? That I need a fix? That could definitely be it. I'm used to being the "chaser" in relationships and H was the first person that chased me. So maybe I'm just addicted to the excitement and after not having it for 6 years I need it again.

 

OM is not married. But paranoid me just imagines him going out and finding the perfect girl tomorrow. That thought alone brings me to tears. He is two years older than me.

 

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm so happy to have found you and these boards. It really does help me to have someone who can understand. Not being able to talk about all of this has really been driving me crazy. It's not easy to have such a HUGE thing going on that I have to keep inside 24/7.

 

Kickboxing would be fun and definitely a great way to get out some frustrations! You could be my neighbor and I wouldn't know it. If you were we could go together

 

Thank you for everything.

 

 

I know... I often wonder about that. Like wonder if someone lives down the street. Oh god...then they would know my torrid A. YIKES!!!

 

No, I didn't mean like a "fix", I meant I'm a fixer, like when somethings wrong I have to hurry and fix it. I was wondering if you were the same. Like maybe this is so hard and fast b/c you felt your M was dying and some how that felt like fixing the problem. Idk.... just throwing that out there.

 

I understand the missing. Hey, when you can't talk to your H, you get used to that convo. You bond to it, and its hard to break that when you desperately need it. We'll get through this. You'll get it all figured out.

 

Did you at least go to the dr? about the hormones? Girl, those will f a woman up!!!! fo sho!!!

[CrazyMom]

CM what is your plan?

 

Are you going to the doctor? Are you going to go back to IC? Are you going to address these things in your marriage? Are you going to pursue the om?

 

Some food for thought here, since your om got divorced because of his wife cheating, he probably will not be too keen (and apparently he has already said so) about getting involved with a woman who would cheat with him and who will cheat on her husband.

 

I plan to go to the doctor and start IC. I hope IC will help me understand why I'm doing/thinking/wanting these things. With that insight I'm hoping to be able to make a decision about whether or not MC will be helpful, or if things are too far gone for us. If it's only issues that I'm having as an individual then I intend to try to work things out with H. I hope the C can give me some idea of whether things are salvageable.

 

You are right about the OM. He asked me how he was supposed to know I wouldn't do the same thing to him. I expected him to have that concern.

[CrazyMom]

I know... I often wonder about that. Like wonder if someone lives down the street. Oh god...then they would know my torrid A. YIKES!!!

 

No, I didn't mean like a "fix", I meant I'm a fixer, like when somethings wrong I have to hurry and fix it. I was wondering if you were the same. Like maybe this is so hard and fast b/c you felt your M was dying and some how that felt like fixing the problem. Idk.... just throwing that out there.

 

I understand the missing. Hey, when you can't talk to your H, you get used to that convo. You bond to it, and its hard to break that when you desperately need it. We'll get through this. You'll get it all figured out.

 

Did you at least go to the dr? about the hormones? Girl, those will f a woman up!!!! fo sho!!!

 

Haha, I plan to make an appointment soon. I have to get a checkup for our insurance anyway so I'll kill two birds with one stone.

[wannabdone]

Haha, I plan to make an appointment soon. I have to get a checkup for our insurance anyway so I'll kill two birds with one stone.

 

 

There ya go girl. Have a good evening. talk to ya tomorrow.

[CrazyMom]

There ya go girl. Have a good evening. talk to ya tomorrow.

 

Thank you, you too

 

Oh, and about being a "fixer" that is totally me.

[wannabdone]

counseling may really help you get through all of this. one thing to remember though is that it may take some time for your counselor to help you get everything sorted out , and that you may have to try more than one counselor before you get the right "fit".

 

I tried two before i found one that worked well with me, and, at first i thought the whole thing was kind of silly. but after a few meetings, i started to see that it was helping.

 

i think it's so great that you are taking the first step towards making sense of your life and your feelings. it's very brave of you to do it:)

 

 

I totally agree with this. Had told the OP that I had to go through several. Its like finding a mate. This is someone who you have to tell your most intimate feelings to. So it better be a good fit, if you want the results to be positive! Fortunate for me, my counseling picking is far better than my R picking.

[CrazyMom]

I totally agree with this. Had told the OP that I had to go through several. Its like finding a mate. This is someone who you have to tell your most intimate feelings to. So it better be a good fit, if you want the results to be positive! Fortunate for me, my counseling picking is far better than my R picking.

 

Alright, expert C picker...any advice on how to find one? I've been looking around online a lot because I don't really have anyone to ask. Do I just pick a place that sounds nice and go from there? I'm nervous.

[wannabdone]

Alright, expert C picker...any advice on how to find one? I've been looking around online a lot because I don't really have anyone to ask. Do I just pick a place that sounds nice and go from there? I'm nervous.

 

 

I KNOW!!! I went through the same thing. I just started calling people who I liked the sounds of their names. ha ha . When you call ask what their specialty is. That should help guide you. You can also tell them in general whats going on, and they really usually are pretty good at telling you if thats what they do or not, and refer you to someone who is.

 

Do you have insurance? Or a job? Many employers have a employee help line that you can call and ask about C.

 

So, how was your day today?

[CrazyMom]

I KNOW!!! I went through the same thing. I just started calling people who I liked the sounds of their names. ha ha . When you call ask what their specialty is. That should help guide you. You can also tell them in general whats going on, and they really usually are pretty good at telling you if thats what they do or not, and refer you to someone who is.

 

Do you have insurance? Or a job? Many employers have a employee help line that you can call and ask about C.

 

So, how was your day today?

 

I do not work, H does. Yes, we have insurance. So I'd need to make sure I choose an in-network provider.

 

Doing ok today. I did contact OM but have heard nothing. I feel better getting out what I want to say to him. But getting no response is like a fresh wound I just can't stand the thought of giving up. Thinking about starting a journal to do what you suggested but not sure how to keep it a secret. I guess I could type things out somewhere on my phone.

 

How was your day?

[wannabdone]

I do not work, H does. Yes, we have insurance. So I'd need to make sure I choose an in-network provider.

 

Doing ok today. I did contact OM but have heard nothing. I feel better getting out what I want to say to him. But getting no response is like a fresh wound I just can't stand the thought of giving up. Thinking about starting a journal to do what you suggested but not sure how to keep it a secret. I guess I could type things out somewhere on my phone.

 

How was your day?

 

 

Oh girl...what did you say????

That does sting when you don't get a reponse.

 

You could open an email account and just type drafts in there.

 

It was okay. Feeling kind of blue today. Just sad that things are ending up the way they are. Realizing that when really what I wanted was an apology and acknowledgement of my feelings, and to be told I was really loved. I got those, but him coming by, just solidifies all he wants is for me to be on the side. B/c he didn't show up with divorce papers in hand, did he??? It makes me mad, makes me sad, all at the same time.

 

Ready for this crappy feeling to be over with!