Thoughts from the other side

[Emme]

Marriage = 2nd Job

 

It is a job. Many don't see it as one, but it is. People become so complacent. Many live their day to day life like robots. Got the routine down packed. So much so you start looking like robots. The realm of sparks does not exist. Ask some folks about their relationship and how many hours they put in a week… lets just say some will say 0 -10 hours. Yet they expect payment of love and devotion. Everyone is looking for a check (Love) and they didn’t clock in. You have to put the time in. The same energy you put into your job to be recognized or get that promotion… same thing you do in you marriage. Its job number 2. Some people are unemployed in their marriage and don’t even know it.

 

 

Think about what you want. You are a new mother. There might be additional stress there. Clock into your marriage and see if you still want the job. You just might.

[Saul Goodman]

Alright, with what I gathered from your older thread and this thread, you don't let your ego cloud your judgment. It's good to be honest with yourself; even though, from what I gather, you've decided not to tell your husband (correct me if I'm wrong).

 

My suggestions:

 

-don't talk to OM

-get counseling

-get those hormones checked, PLEASE!!! that will make you crazy!!!

-lay down the law with your husband

-accept nothing less that what you want out of your R

 

If you do all of these things, and you still don't think your hubs will pull his head out. Leave and make a happy life for you. But you will have peace and know you tried, and did things the right way for you, for him and your kid-o.

 

 

Hugs!!!!

 

Very good advice. And as said before, PPD can f__k you up.

 

NC guide below. Take it or leave it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

Edited September 14, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[Gentlegirl]

Only a guess.

 

If so, it can be fixed.. go talk to your doctor or gyno.

 

Gentlegirl.

[CrazyMom]

This is sooooo true. We also have a tendency when there is someone else to make our H's into being a monster almost.

 

You said that he wants to try to make things work, but quite frankly it doesn't look like he's trying too much. The fact that his wife cried while they had sex and he didn't notice, shows a BIG red flag to me. No wonder you found someone who made you feel like a wanted and special woman again....no wonder you fell so hard as you say. This is exactly what happened to me when I met my xMM, and I fell hard. I left my H. I think looking back, I wish I would have at least gave it one last try. BUT this means he has to put in the effort.

 

My heart is breaking for you. It really is.

 

Thank you. It's so nice to hear from someone who really knows how I feel.

 

He could tell something was different, but just didn't realize I was crying. I'm glad he didn't, I would've had some major explaining to do. I'm pretty much to the point where more of my feelings are with the OM so I feel guilty here with my H sometimes. Now that I'm not talking to the OM that has gone away a bit, but not completely.

[CrazyMom]

My suggestions:

 

-don't talk to OM

-get counseling

-get those hormones checked, PLEASE!!! that will make you crazy!!!

-lay down the law with your husband

-accept nothing less that what you want out of your R

 

If you do all of these things, and you still don't think your hubs will pull his head out. Leave and make a happy life for you. But you will have peace and know you tried, and did things the right way for you, for him and your kid-o.

 

 

Hugs!!!!

 

I agree with this. I think that is the best way to go so that there are no "what might've been" thoughts if it does end.

[CrazyMom]

Marriage = 2nd Job

 

It is a job. Many don't see it as one, but it is. People become so complacent. Many live their day to day life like robots. Got the routine down packed. So much so you start looking like robots. The realm of sparks does not exist. Ask some folks about their relationship and how many hours they put in a week… lets just say some will say 0 -10 hours. Yet they expect payment of love and devotion. Everyone is looking for a check (Love) and they didn’t clock in. You have to put the time in. The same energy you put into your job to be recognized or get that promotion… same thing you do in you marriage. Its job number 2. Some people are unemployed in their marriage and don’t even know it.

 

 

Think about what you want. You are a new mother. There might be additional stress there. Clock into your marriage and see if you still want the job. You just might.

 

Thank you for this. You are definitely right, I feel like a robot.

[CrazyMom]

Alright, with what I gathered from your older thread and this thread, you don't let your ego cloud your judgment. It's good to be honest with yourself; even though, from what I gather, you've decided not to tell your husband (correct me if I'm wrong).

 

 

 

Very good advice. And as said before, PPD can f__k you up.

 

NC guide below. Take it or leave it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

I have a degree in Sociology and also took several Psychology classes in college so I have spent a lot of time analyzing my thoughts and going back through my past all the way to my childhood trying to figure all of this out. I WANT to know the real reason, so hopefully it all comes out when I start IC.

 

I have decided not to tell my husband, at least for now. I obviously still have emotional ties to the OM and care about him. I promised that my H would not know about him and I still feel like I owe it to him to do my best to keep it that way. And I'm not sure much good would come out of my husband knowing at this point. We'll see what happens.

 

Thank you for the link.

[CrazyMom]

You don't need a safety net if you are that unhappy with your marriage...you would leave. Get into counseling and figure out what your issues are. And let your husband know what he is dealing with so he can make decisions about his life based on the fact you don't want him and would gladly be with this dude if he wanted you. You don't respect either man. One you are married to and the other is trying not to do to your husband what was done to him. Are you helping him protect your husband from you?

 

I never honestly thought about how disrespectful I've been to the OM. Wow, I feel so horrible. He is obviously a good man, and I'm putting him in second place to my husband because I'm so selfish.

 

Thank you for pointing this out.

[wannabdone]

I never honestly thought about how disrespectful I've been to the OM. Wow, I feel so horrible. He is obviously a good man, and I'm putting him in second place to my husband because I'm so selfish.

 

Thank you for pointing this out.

 

 

CM... I think a lot of times when we get so low and so miserable that when someone comes along and makes us feel whole again, we really don't see how we are hurting everyone, because we are so wrapped up into feeling good and how good feeling good feels. Don't beat yourself up too much, you seem like a really sweet person and that you are coming from a geniune place.

 

just know that what you are going through and the time (baby, marriage, etc)...is very normal.

 

Just do what is right for you and your child, be respectful of yourself, the OM, your H, and you will not go wrong. We all screw up, we all make bad decisions. What seperates the good from bad, the weak from the strong, is who picks them selves us and dusts themselves off and changes their lives, or who lays around and whines about their lives, but yet keeps living it the exact same say.

 

Glass half full..... you know what you want. You know what you can give. You know what you deserve..... NOW GO GET IT!!!!

[Saul Goodman]

I have a degree in Sociology and also took several Psychology classes

 

Hey, I have a degree in psychology and also took several sociology classes.

 

I should've gone into engineering.

Just do what is right for you and your child, be respectful of yourself, the OM, your H, and you will not go wrong.

Yes. You are recognising your flaws which is the first step to self-improvement.

 

I'm going into "deep-introspection mode" myself right now, so I can relate to you in some ways. I wish you well CM.

[wannabdone]

Hey, I have a degree in psychology and also took several sociology classes.

 

I should've gone into engineering.

Yes. You are recognising your flaws which is the first step to self-improvement.

 

I'm going into "deep-introspection mode" myself right now, so I can relate to you in some ways. I wish you well CM.

 

 

I have a Architectural/Engineering degree.... I always thought I should have gone into psychology. Ah... the green grass on the other side..... so pretty.

[lovelustlost]

well u r present relation with u r husband is dead and its not good to carry adead relation in u r life. Its this single life u have live it completely. move on get divorced and live for urself first, on the other hand if tht guy is interested in u wil definately come back to u once he comes to knw th u r single and still loves him and waiting for him.

 

Guys r quite sensitive but they dnt show , its u hwho has to understnd and to react accordingly

[Quiet Storm]

Now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage. So I don't know if I can ever be content in this relationship like I had been. I felt/feel those things now, so I want to continue to feel them.

 

 

 

What you are feeling is infatuation and limerance. If you were with OM full time for years, these would fade with him, too. All it is is dopamine chemicals that are firing in your brain, the same ones that are activated if you snort a line of coke.

 

You can get the passion back for your H, but that will never happen if your heart is with OM.

 

You have had a lot of stress in your life, and it is easy to look for an escape or a remedy to help you feel joy again. You are self-medicating yourself with OM.

 

Marriages all have ups and downs. I have been with my H for 20 years. We have had good years and bad. Our passion has waned and sparked up again, many times over many years.

 

If I had turned to another man in the down times, I would have been putting my marriage and family in jeopardy. I have three happy and thriving kids that deserve an intact family, and I promised their father on our wedding day that I would be with him forever. We built a family based on that commitment, and IMO it is not fair to blow up your children's lives because you need more "spark".

 

Your husband is not abusive. He works to support the family. He is not an addict or alcoholic. IMO, you owe it to him and your child to try to make this work. He may not be perfect, but he sounds like a good man.

 

Any man you meet will have his flaws...but those dopamine chemicals are blocking you from seeing OM's flaws, making OM seem more attractive than he really is. You were content in the marriage prior to meeting OM, but your feelings for OM now have you doubting the marriage. Realize these feelings are rooted in biology and that you don't have to act on them. If you don't feed them, they will starve and die.

 

I would stop all contact with OM, and focus your thoughts on other things. If you truly make an effort to starve the emotions for OM and nurture the feelings for your H, I think you could gain the clarity you need right now.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[MissBee]

For some reason I keep coming back to this board, just to read through these posts. I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by posting, maybe just to get some things out.

 

I've been married to my husband for a little over 2 years, together for 6 total. We have a 20 month old son.

 

Things haven't been the same between us for quite some time. For at least the last year we've pretty much been living as roommates and all passion is gone on my end.

 

Then I met another man. I have fallen for him so hard and so fast. We talked and met up a few times. We did kiss quite a bit, but didn't do anything more...not that we didn't want to.

 

However, we are no longer talking because he couldn't stand being "that guy." He is divorced and his ex left him for a man she was cheating with. So he knows how it feels and won't do it.

 

So I guess I'm on the other end of NC. But I just can't seem to give up, and I don't really want to. I feel so empty in my marriage, all of my feelings and emotions are with the OM. I still text him every once in a while but he's holding firm right now and not responding.

 

If he would be with me, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd leave. I want him so badly. This is so hard

 

How do you feel about your husband? Are you simply bored or do you feel like being with him was a "mistake" and you need to leave him for good?

 

I ask, because usually when one is simply bored, it is one's own issue that will present itself again even with a new man. Who's to say that if this man decides to be with you, you wouldn't tire of him too and lose passion? So it's important to figure out if what is going on is fixable or is it that you truly need to leave your husband and be with someone else.

 

The only thing stopping you from leaving is not having the security to know this OM will want you? So if he doesn't you're going to continue to be with your husband for the heck of it...and then continue to seek OM until one of them decides to participate in an affair? Because I take it, this man is choosing to go NC and not be in an affair with you, which is the only reason you're not in an affair with him.

 

I think you have to decide what you want for yourself, outside of ANY man (i.e. your husband or an OM). You have to decide on what will make you happy and fulfilled in life. I don't think it is a good idea to stay in an unhappy marriage neither is it a good idea to cheat in an unhappy marriage or worst, not leave your marriage because you don't have the security of another man waiting in the wings. Men can up and leave at any point so you need to make decisions not based on them but yourself and also your baby. I think you need to do some soul searching and find out where your unhappiness lies...perhaps the loss of passion with your husband is a symptom of a deeper unhappiness and if so, no new man will fix that, at least not for long. It's better to get to the root of things and go from there in deciding your next steps....have you tried talking to your husband? Maybe you should do that too...Goodluck!

[MissBee]

It's called NEW. That's what it is about him.

 

The honeymoon phase is over with your H and now you're getting down to real life. The excitement of the new guy is thrilling and beats the mundane. The thing is, odds are, you'd eventually fall into the mundane with this guy too.

 

I'm not saying that all relationships are the same. It could be possible that you and this guy could have a much better relationship than you and your H do. But at two months, there's no way to know this and know HIM well enough to make that call.

 

If you feel unhappy in your M, you should either work to fix that or dissolve it.

 

I agree.

 

My ex was that way....he could only stick through relationships for as long as the honeymoon lasted but once it wore off and got real, he ended things, citing some "problem" and moved on to the next new thing, and then he was soo inlove again and that would be his "last relationship"....*cue car crash sound effect* until she got stale too...smh.

 

I think that's a problem that has to be grappled with -recognizing the normal stages of a relationship and sustaining relationships beyond their newness, as if one wants any long term partnership, that is going to be necessary.

[MissBee]

( what i am going to say may sound really cruel, and i am so sorry for that-please accept my apologies now)

 

From what i understand you say you told your husband you aren't happy in your marriage, which is good, but what are YOU trying to do to make it better? I have heard lots of things about what he is doing/is not doing, but what are YOU doing? It can't just be a one way street.

 

I know being a parent can be tiring and very, very draining. I am a stay at home mom to three kids, so believe me, i totally understand. But you have to be willing to, even if you are feeling worn out, also expend energy into keeping your marriage "alive" ( i learned this the hard way) . i mean you had enough "energy" to develop a "passionate connection" to another guy, so you have shown you can do it. But we all have only so much "energy" in us, and if we expend it on someone outside our marriage, there will be little or none left to expend on our spouse.

 

Have you tried ( maybe I missed your answer to this question) actually telling your husband what it is that you need from him and what you want him to do? I always find it very unfair when one spouse feels the other isn't meeting their needs when their spouse may have absolutely no idea what those needs are .Do you even know yourself what it is that you feel is missing ( specifically, not just general "passion"). If not, counseling should help you figure it out.

It does sound like a good idea to see a doctor as well just to make sure there is nothing else going on medically that may help explain your current feelings.

 

One more thing to remember: your husband is a new parent too, and that can also be hard on a guy, just like it can on his wife. You have both been through a very stressful time, and it sounds like you baby may also still have some health issues , which creates even more worry and stress. Have you sat down with him and talked about this and given hm a chance to let his feelings pout too? You may be surprised at the depth of some of his feelings.

 

whatever happens, best of luck to you, your husband and your new "little one"

 

I agree wholeheartedly!

[fooled once]

So, you are scared to be alone? If you don't love your husband, divorce him. Reguardless of the OM. you can't end a marriage and start a new life with someone else! It just is so unhealthy..And, as I said on your other thread, I think that you're suffering from PPD, you are newly married, have a young child.

 

You have a husband whom you DID love at some point in time, enough to marry and have a child with. What happened to communication? Love, passion? Making time for one another, bonding as a family unit?

 

Instead of lusting after a guy who (for once) has the balls to say NO to an affair, has high standards and doesn't want to be that guy, a man who helps a woman cheat on her husband (good for him) respect that, leave him alone, stop being selfish and focus on WHY you allowed yourself to fall for another guy when you are married.

 

Do counselling! Try to reconnect with your husband. Go out on date nights, flirt and have fun.

 

What you felt with the OM is based on selfish feelings and lust, ON the expense of your husband and child, an escape of your life, responsibilities.. You don't know that other guy well, only in an affair setting.

 

My suggestion is counselling together with your H and on your own.

 

Agree

 

If he would be with you, you would leave???? So, you are saying you have to have a commitment that he will be with you before you will leave and live a life that makes you happy?

 

If your in a love less M, you should leave, whether he is with you or not.

 

NEVER leave someone for someone else, leave them for yourself. If after your D, you get together and live happily ever after...that's just an added bonus.

 

How long have you seen this OM? I didn't see that. You said you have only met him a few times.

 

Agree

 

I should've been more specific. It would make it easier to leave. I'm definitely not afraid of being alone. I've been forced to think about that since we're no longer talking.

 

Now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage. So I don't know if I can ever be content in this relationship like I had been. I felt/feel those things now, so I want to continue to feel them.

 

You are definitely right that I should leave for me. That's the same thing that he kept telling me. I think it made me want him even more because obviously he's a great person.

 

I've only known him for about two months total. It was all very fast. I met him, contacted him to tell him that I couldn't get him out of my head, and things went from there. I think he started to get worried that things would progress even further so he ended it.

 

So in 2 months time, you have 'fallen in love' with some guy you barely know. Some guy you are willing to throw away your marriage for. Some guy who you are on "good behavior' with (and he with you). Some guy who could have a criminal record for pediphile or rape.

 

It isn't love or lust you are feeling - it is someone NEW. Someone who is giving you attention.

 

Your H is rightfully concerned about finances. You no longer work so he is carrying the financial burden of the family - and he probably wonders what type of additional care your child might need being a premie and all.

 

So you turned to someone else instead of being OPEN and HONEST with your H. It sounds like HE hasn't changed - you have. You have had some guy you barely know flirt with you and you liked it. He doesn't have to support you, he doesn't have to deal with a newborn, he doesn't have to deal with the stress of all of the things your H has to. So what do you go? You choose to get involved with someone else. You have no idea if you DID get with this guy if he wouldn't get frustrated with your child and dealing with an infant/toddler. You have no idea if he could even financially support you and your child. You seem to think being with him will make you all warm and fuzzy inside.

 

Let's look at this. Your child wakes up in the night and cries and cries. You do what you can to soothe the baby but the baby is having none of that. You get frustrated and we all know babies sense our frustration and that only makes them more fussy. You are exhausted. Your H has been up and down during the night to help out; but knowing he has a job to go to in the morning (the job that keeps the roof over your heads and food in the cupboard.)

 

The OM - well, he is just pissed that the baby was fussy all night and he is cranky from lack of sleep. He is irritated and frustrated. He takes his frustrations out on you or even the baby - by yelling, not being kind, not wanting anything to do with the kid that kept crying all night. Your H loves his child. The OM doesn't.

 

I think you need to do some soul searching. I think the baby being born early has you and your H stressed. You worked prior to the baby and now, being home all day, you feel the walls closing in on you and you just want a break from it all. Then you see a cute guy and BINGO - affair.

 

I know you believe what you are feeling right now - the butterflies and all that - are because of THIS OM. But it isn't. It is because of YOU; because it is new, because it is a break from dealing with the every day stress. You don't really think that if you got with him that it would be like this all the time, do you?

 

When you got with your H when you started dating, you felt the same things you do now. Look where you are now!

 

So what happens the next time you flirt with and start something with another guy? And this guy doesn't give a crap that you are married and won't be honorable and back away?

 

I think things changed shortly after we got married, and definitely after our son was born.

 

I got pregnant pretty quickly, and although we planned it, I never felt like my husband was that into the whole pregnancy. He just wasn't as connected as I would've liked him to be.

 

Then our son was born premature at 29 weeks so I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and I think I changed a lot as a person. I quit my job to stay home, a couple months later we moved 3 hours away, left our home. Then 10 months later we moved back. Our son has had numerous issues with eating, including flat out refusing and having to be fed in his sleep. It's been hard for me and I feel like he never fully understood. There's been a lot happen in our short marriage.

 

I also don't think he's the father I expected him to be. Not to say he's not a great dad, he definitely is. But he tends to focus more on financially supporting his family. Money isn't everything. He never once got up at night with our son. If I'm around, all the "work" is my job. He'll play, but only takes care of the "responsibilities" if I have gone out for some reason. Which doesn't happen often.

 

Men don't bond with babies that way women do (let me rephrase and say MOST men). What are you expecting from your H that he isn't doing to express to you how much he loves his child? WHy do you think him financially worrying is a bad thing? He can't breast feed, he has to work so that there is money in the bank. When I had my son, I got up every single night with him while I was on maternity leave. When I went back to work, I still got up most nights. Maybe your H just isn't as comfortable taking care of your son? My ex was terrified of hurting out son. He carried him on a PILLOW for months!!! He hated being left alone to care for him; he preferred I take him with me to the grocery store or to run errands than to leave him with him.

 

I think your expectations are really too high.

 

So do you think the OM would be this GREAT WONDERFUL stepdad? I would bet he would be even WORSE than your H.

 

I never honestly thought about how disrespectful I've been to the OM. Wow, I feel so horrible. He is obviously a good man, and I'm putting him in second place to my husband because I'm so selfish.

 

Thank you for pointing this out.

 

You talk about you disrespected the OM. Umm... YOU DISRESPECTED YOUR H!!!

 

( what i am going to say may sound really cruel, and i am so sorry for that-please accept my apologies now)

 

From what i understand you say you told your husband you aren't happy in your marriage, which is good, but what are YOU trying to do to make it better? I have heard lots of things about what he is doing/is not doing, but what are YOU doing? It can't just be a one way street.

 

I know being a parent can be tiring and very, very draining. I am a stay at home mom to three kids, so believe me, i totally understand. But you have to be willing to, even if you are feeling worn out, also expend energy into keeping your marriage "alive" ( i learned this the hard way) . i mean you had enough "energy" to develop a "passionate connection" to another guy, so you have shown you can do it. But we all have only so much "energy" in us, and if we expend it on someone outside our marriage, there will be little or none left to expend on our spouse.

 

Have you tried ( maybe I missed your answer to this question) actually telling your husband what it is that you need from him and what you want him to do? I always find it very unfair when one spouse feels the other isn't meeting their needs when their spouse may have absolutely no idea what those needs are .Do you even know yourself what it is that you feel is missing ( specifically, not just general "passion"). If not, counseling should help you figure it out.

 

It does sound like a good idea to see a doctor as well just to make sure there is nothing else going on medically that may help explain your current feelings.

 

One more thing to remember: your husband is a new parent too, and that can also be hard on a guy, just like it can on his wife. You have both been through a very stressful time, and it sounds like you baby may also still have some health issues , which creates even more worry and stress. Have you sat down with him and talked about this and given hm a chance to let his feelings pout too? You may be surprised at the depth of some of his feelings.

 

whatever happens, best of luck to you, your husband and your new "little one"

 

Ditto

[spice4life]

Crazymom, it boils down to one thing and that is taking responsibility for your actions. It's not what you want to hear, but YOU chose to go down this road and you need to stop looking to place blame. Once you accept that this was your choice and you HAD the power to say no, then you will be on the "right" road to recovery.

 

The BS's say it here all the time...accept your part and go from there. Your OM is nothing more than a symptom of something deeper within you.

 

One question, why did you stay in a relationship with the man you eventually married? Was it societal pressure or did you have a true deep connection with him? For instance, let's say you are across the room from your husband and he is upset about something...would you be able to tell that he is upset? Would you immediately have the desire to cross the room to find out what is wrong because you understand him in a way that no one else does?

 

Quit looking to blame an outside source for the problems you are experiencing right now. You have control if you choose to use it...no one else can take that away from you unless you allow them to. I think you should come clean with your H and tell him what you have been up to. Maybe it is the wake up call he needs to shake him out of minimizing how you feel. JMHO.

Edited September 15, 2011 by spice4life

[CrazyMom]

Wow, thank you everyone for all of your input. There are a few things I'd like to clarify.

 

I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I am obviously to blame for pursuing an OM, but I clearly said to my husband that I DON'T think he did anything to cause this.

 

Obviously, when I married my H and we had a child I loved him. I wouldn't have married him to just get married.

 

I realize that I hardly know the OM, I am still able to think logically through this situation. However, in regards to what kind of father/parent he would be to my son...although I can't be sure since he would be his step-child, OM does have full custody of his two children ages 5 and 8. So he's doing something right. Crying in the middle of the night isn't a concern for my son, he's 20 months old and has slept through the night for 1.5 years.

 

I am not basing my decision on being with the OM. We are no longer talking so there's no guarantee we would even be friends if I leave my H. If I leave I need to prepare myself to be alone and just see what happens.

 

My main concern at this point is figuring out what I truly want. Is it worth it to me to live in an empty marriage so that my child can grow up with his parents together? Yes, we argue, but I feel like what we argue about are normal issues that couples have. Yes, I realize that my child will sense unhappiness, but it's not like I mope around all the time being depressed. We have good times together, we have fun. But it just feels more like a friendship to me instead of a marriage.

[Saul Goodman]

My main concern at this point is figuring out what I truly want. Is it worth it to me to live in an empty marriage so that my child can grow up with his parents together? Yes, we argue, but I feel like what we argue about are normal issues that couples have. Yes, I realize that my child will sense unhappiness, but it's not like I mope around all the time being depressed. We have good times together, we have fun. But it just feels more like a friendship to me instead of a marriage.

 

Does your husband know that you are feeling all of this? Especially the bolded bit.

 

I'd recommend MC if you aren't going already.

[CrazyMom]

Does your husband know that you are feeling all of this? Especially the bolded bit.

 

I'd recommend MC if you aren't going already.

 

My husband knows that I don't feel the same. I haven't elaborated on that, only said that I feel like something has changed and is missing.

 

I feel like I need to sort out my thoughts/wants in IC first before we start MC because it may be a waste of time if I don't want to fix things. Also, I'm not sure MC can be 100% effective if I'm not willing to confess about the OM. So I have some individual issues to deal with first.

[Saul Goodman]

My husband knows that I don't feel the same. I haven't elaborated on that, only said that I feel like something has changed and is missing.

 

I feel like I need to sort out my thoughts/wants in IC first before we start MC because it may be a waste of time if I don't want to fix things. Also, I'm not sure MC can be 100% effective if I'm not willing to confess about the OM. So I have some individual issues to deal with first.

 

Argh, purposefully vague. I suggest that you bring up "communication issues" with your IC/MC when you get the chance.

 

Take your time with IC. If you do decide to end the marriage, please, for all that is good and merciful, don't blindside your husband. Let him down slowly.

[CrazyMom]

Argh, purposefully vague. I suggest that you bring up "communication issues" with your IC/MC when you get the chance.

 

Take your time with IC. If you do decide to end the marriage, please, for all that is good and merciful, don't blindside your husband. Let him down slowly.

 

Thanks for the advice. H asked today if I don't love him anymore because he's noticed that I don't look him in the eyes when I say it so he's unsure of whether or not to believe me. I don't think he'd be blindsided, and I'll try not to do that if the time comes.

[Saul Goodman]

Thanks for the advice. H asked today if I don't love him anymore because he's noticed that I don't look him in the eyes when I say it so he's unsure of whether or not to believe me. I don't think he'd be blindsided, and I'll try not to do that if the time comes.

 

Alright.

 

As a general rule, try to reduce the level of ambiguity that you display towards him. It doesn't matter if you think that he will be blindsided or if he won't. What matters is whether or not he will end up actually being blindsided. You want to rely on the least number of assumptions as possible.

 

I've been on the receiving end of what you are doing in a number of relationships (Yeah, I know how to pick 'em). When you make things ambiguous towards your H, you end up transferring a lot of your own confusion onto him.

 

One thing that you might want to bring up with your IC is "conflict avoidance". I've noticed a bit of that from some of your posts.

 

Is it worth it to me to live in an empty marriage so that my child can grow up with his parents together?

My opinion is this...it's unfair for both you and your husband (provided that he doesn't know how you truly feel) to live like this. The quality of the parenting itself is more important than maintaining the nuclear family for the sake of maintaining the nuclear family.

 

Anyway, g'night.

Edited September 16, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[CrazyMom]

Alright.

 

As a general rule, try to reduce the level of ambiguity that you display towards him. It doesn't matter if you think that he will be blindsided or if he won't. What matters is whether or not he will end up actually being blindsided. You want to rely on the least number of assumptions as possible.

 

I've been on the receiving end of what you are doing in a number of relationships (Yeah, I know how to pick 'em). When you make things ambiguous towards your H, you end up transferring a lot of your own confusion onto him.

 

One thing that you might want to bring up with your IC is "conflict avoidance". I've noticed a bit of that from some of your posts.

 

My opinion is this...it's unfair for both you and your husband (provided that he doesn't know how you truly feel) to live like this. The quality of the parenting itself is more important than maintaining the nuclear family for the sake of maintaining the nuclear family.

 

Anyway, g'night.

 

Agreed and agreed. I hate confrontation.