Thoughts from the other side

[CrazyMom]

For some reason I keep coming back to this board, just to read through these posts. I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by posting, maybe just to get some things out.

 

I've been married to my husband for a little over 2 years, together for 6 total. We have a 20 month old son.

 

Things haven't been the same between us for quite some time. For at least the last year we've pretty much been living as roommates and all passion is gone on my end.

 

Then I met another man. I have fallen for him so hard and so fast. We talked and met up a few times. We did kiss quite a bit, but didn't do anything more...not that we didn't want to.

 

However, we are no longer talking because he couldn't stand being "that guy." He is divorced and his ex left him for a man she was cheating with. So he knows how it feels and won't do it.

 

So I guess I'm on the other end of NC. But I just can't seem to give up, and I don't really want to. I feel so empty in my marriage, all of my feelings and emotions are with the OM. I still text him every once in a while but he's holding firm right now and not responding.

 

If he would be with me, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd leave. I want him so badly. This is so hard

[whichwayisup]

So, you are scared to be alone? If you don't love your husband, divorce him. Reguardless of the OM. you can't end a marriage and start a new life with someone else! It just is so unhealthy..And, as I said on your other thread, I think that you're suffering from PPD, you are newly married, have a young child.

 

You have a husband whom you DID love at some point in time, enough to marry and have a child with. What happened to communication? Love, passion? Making time for one another, bonding as a family unit?

 

Instead of lusting after a guy who (for once) has the balls to say NO to an affair, has high standards and doesn't want to be that guy, a man who helps a woman cheat on her husband (good for him) respect that, leave him alone, stop being selfish and focus on WHY you allowed yourself to fall for another guy when you are married.

 

Do counselling! Try to reconnect with your husband. Go out on date nights, flirt and have fun.

 

What you felt with the OM is based on selfish feelings and lust, ON the expense of your husband and child, an escape of your life, responsibilities.. You don't know that other guy well, only in an affair setting.

 

My suggestion is counselling together with your H and on your own.

[wannabdone]

If he would be with you, you would leave???? So, you are saying you have to have a commitment that he will be with you before you will leave and live a life that makes you happy?

 

If your in a love less M, you should leave, whether he is with you or not.

 

NEVER leave someone for someone else, leave them for yourself. If after your D, you get together and live happily ever after...that's just an added bonus.

 

How long have you seen this OM? I didn't see that. You said you have only met him a few times.

[CrazyMom]

If he would be with you, you would leave???? So, you are saying you have to have a commitment that he will be with you before you will leave and live a life that makes you happy?

 

If your in a love less M, you should leave, whether he is with you or not.

 

NEVER leave someone for someone else, leave them for yourself. If after your D, you get together and live happily ever after...that's just an added bonus.

 

How long have you seen this OM? I didn't see that. You said you have only met him a few times.

 

I should've been more specific. It would make it easier to leave. I'm definitely not afraid of being alone. I've been forced to think about that since we're no longer talking.

 

Now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage. So I don't know if I can ever be content in this relationship like I had been. I felt/feel those things now, so I want to continue to feel them.

 

You are definitely right that I should leave for me. That's the same thing that he kept telling me. I think it made me want him even more because obviously he's a great person.

 

I've only known him for about two months total. It was all very fast. I met him, contacted him to tell him that I couldn't get him out of my head, and things went from there. I think he started to get worried that things would progress even further so he ended it.

[bentnotbroken]

You don't need a safety net if you are that unhappy with your marriage...you would leave. Get into counseling and figure out what your issues are. And let your husband know what he is dealing with so he can make decisions about his life based on the fact you don't want him and would gladly be with this dude if he wanted you. You don't respect either man. One you are married to and the other is trying not to do to your husband what was done to him. Are you helping him protect your husband from you?

[wannabdone]

I should've been more specific. It would make it easier to leave. I'm definitely not afraid of being alone. I've been forced to think about that since we're no longer talking.

 

Now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage. So I don't know if I can ever be content in this relationship like I had been. I felt/feel those things now, so I want to continue to feel them.

 

You are definitely right that I should leave for me. That's the same thing that he kept telling me. I think it made me want him even more because obviously he's a great person.

 

I've only known him for about two months total. It was all very fast. I met him, contacted him to tell him that I couldn't get him out of my head, and things went from there. I think he started to get worried that things would progress even further so he ended it.

 

 

Well, he seems like a very smart man!!!

 

Okay, so you know what is missing.... are you SURE you can not find this with your H??? Did you not have these feelings for him before??

[CrazyMom]

It's my belief that if we have an overwhelming desire to leave one relationship and jump straight into another then we are trying to fill some empty place within ourselves. You need to completely leave one relationship and grieve it and heal another before you get into another or else you don't resolve the issues that got you there in the first place. We all tend to repeat our patterns irregardless if they are healthy and sound or not.

 

Do you think that maybe this thing with this guy is a lot of fantasy since apparently it was pretty short and didn't get very physical? Maybe because of your unhappiness with yourself and your marriage?

 

I definitely think it's a lot of fantasy. I don't know a whole lot about him, so none of this really makes a lot of sense when I stop to think about it.

 

For some reason, he just made me feel so many things that I haven't felt in so long. I don't know what it is about him.

 

It was kind of like a big slap in the face - now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage because I feel them for HIM instead.

[wannabdone]

I definitely think it's a lot of fantasy. I don't know a whole lot about him, so none of this really makes a lot of sense when I stop to think about it.

 

For some reason, he just made me feel so many things that I haven't felt in so long. I don't know what it is about him.

 

It was kind of like a big slap in the face - now I know what feelings are missing from my marriage because I feel them for HIM instead.

 

 

Shouldn't be tooooo long. You have only been M a short amount of time, correct? how long have these things been missing?

[CrazyMom]

Well, he seems like a very smart man!!!

 

Okay, so you know what is missing.... are you SURE you can not find this with your H??? Did you not have these feelings for him before??

 

I'm definitely not SURE because I haven't really tried to get it back. However, sometimes I feel like I don't want to try. It's a very odd feeling because my husband hasn't done anything wrong. It just seems like something happened and I don't feel the same.

 

A year ago I told him I felt like we were roommates and wouldn't be together if it weren't for having our child. So this isn't a huge shock I guess.

 

Obviously I felt passionately for him at one point or I wouldn't have married him. But I think we've both changed a lot and something is just different now.

[whichwayisup]

Things haven't been the same between us for quite some time. For at least the last year we've pretty much been living as roommates and all passion is gone on my end.

 

Let's focus on this.

 

Why? Why did you and your H grow apart? Was it your child? Why allow the state of your young marriage turn into roommates? Why is the passion gone? What could he be doing to make you feel good again? What can you be doing to make him feel good again? You say all the passion is gone from your end, I am (taking a chance here) and assuming it's hormonal and all the changes your body has gone through, as well as how you and your H haven't made time for one another, special husband and wife time that HAS to happen in a marriage, kids or not!

 

Those feelings ARE there, inside of you, you've just buried them and allowed the new crush like feelings that woke you up to take over and make you "think" you love this OM. The OM doesn't know like your H knows you. Keep that in mind. And, you don't know that OM like you know your H.

 

You're going to go through LOTS of times in your marriage when you and your H aren't on the same page. It's called life. You're going to go through times when your H will make your skin crawl 'coz he's pissed you off and you don't want to be around him, let alone have sex with him. There will be times when you can't wait for your kid to fall asleep so you two can have sex. There will be times when you just love and adore your H so much, and feel so happy..

 

THat is what marriage is about. NO ONE is happy and feeling good 24/7 forever about their spouse. There are times my H makes my blood boil. You need to keep things in perspective and not just throw in the towel because you have a sexual crush on someone else. FOCUS THAT into your husband and your marriage.

[wannabdone]

I'm definitely not SURE because I haven't really tried to get it back. However, sometimes I feel like I don't want to try. It's a very odd feeling because my husband hasn't done anything wrong. It just seems like something happened and I don't feel the same.

 

A year ago I told him I felt like we were roommates and wouldn't be together if it weren't for having our child. So this isn't a huge shock I guess.

 

Obviously I felt passionately for him at one point or I wouldn't have married him. But I think we've both changed a lot and something is just different now.

 

 

So what was his reaction when you said this? Did he not attempt to "spice" anything up???

[CrazyMom]

Shouldn't be tooooo long. You have only been M a short amount of time, correct? how long have these things been missing?

 

I think things changed shortly after we got married, and definitely after our son was born.

 

I got pregnant pretty quickly, and although we planned it, I never felt like my husband was that into the whole pregnancy. He just wasn't as connected as I would've liked him to be.

 

Then our son was born premature at 29 weeks so I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and I think I changed a lot as a person. I quit my job to stay home, a couple months later we moved 3 hours away, left our home. Then 10 months later we moved back. Our son has had numerous issues with eating, including flat out refusing and having to be fed in his sleep. It's been hard for me and I feel like he never fully understood. There's been a lot happen in our short marriage.

 

I also don't think he's the father I expected him to be. Not to say he's not a great dad, he definitely is. But he tends to focus more on financially supporting his family. Money isn't everything. He never once got up at night with our son. If I'm around, all the "work" is my job. He'll play, but only takes care of the "responsibilities" if I have gone out for some reason. Which doesn't happen often.

[CrazyMom]

Let's focus on this.

 

Why? Why did you and your H grow apart? Was it your child? Why allow the state of your young marriage turn into roommates? Why is the passion gone? What could he be doing to make you feel good again? What can you be doing to make him feel good again? You say all the passion is gone from your end, I am (taking a chance here) and assuming it's hormonal and all the changes your body has gone through, as well as how you and your H haven't made time for one another, special husband and wife time that HAS to happen in a marriage, kids or not!

 

Those feelings ARE there, inside of you, you've just buried them and allowed the new crush like feelings that woke you up to take over and make you "think" you love this OM. The OM doesn't know like your H knows you. Keep that in mind. And, you don't know that OM like you know your H.

 

You're going to go through LOTS of times in your marriage when you and your H aren't on the same page. It's called life. You're going to go through times when your H will make your skin crawl 'coz he's pissed you off and you don't want to be around him, let alone have sex with him. There will be times when you can't wait for your kid to fall asleep so you two can have sex. There will be times when you just love and adore your H so much, and feel so happy..

 

THat is what marriage is about. NO ONE is happy and feeling good 24/7 forever about their spouse. There are times my H makes my blood boil. You need to keep things in perspective and not just throw in the towel because you have a sexual crush on someone else. FOCUS THAT into your husband and your marriage.

 

Yeah, these are the times that I WANT. Unfortunately, they haven't been around for quite some time.

 

The last two times we've had sex all I do is cry. Thank goodness he hasn't noticed. I haven't initiated since we were trying to have a baby. I have no desire.

[whichwayisup]

'kay for some reason you're not responding to any of my replies, so this is my last attempt here..

 

TALK to your husband and tell him exactly what you said on here. Everything.

 

You have expectations that have turned into resentments, and it's affected you in so many ways, as well as all the changes in your life.

 

See what he says, what he thinks and feels. Maybe he's just as unhappy as you are and will be willing to divorce quickly so you two can work out custody arrangements and go your separate ways..

 

OR, you two will be honest and have that well needed talk and sort this out.

[CrazyMom]

So what was his reaction when you said this? Did he not attempt to "spice" anything up???

 

Nothing changed at the time.

 

I also talked to him about things since I met the OM, however, he doesn't know about the OM. Only that I don't feel the same.

 

He wants to work it out, he wants to try to change things he does. I told him I don't think he DID anything to make this happen, it just did. And I'm not sure there's hope.

 

He's trying, he's being so sweet. But I don't even want him to touch me, let alone kiss me.

 

I do plan to start IC soon. We had a lapse in insurance so I had to wait.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, these are the times that I WANT. Unfortunately, they haven't been around for quite some time.

 

The last two times we've had sex all I do is cry. Thank goodness he hasn't noticed. I haven't initiated since we were trying to have a baby. I have no desire.

 

Then go to the Dr and get yourself checked up, hormone levels and all. Your marriage IS salvagable!

 

PS sorry about that last comment in my other reply (i'm super sensitive right now as my beloved cat passed away) so I am sorry, ignore the top part of my reply to you..

[wannabdone]

I think things changed shortly after we got married, and definitely after our son was born.

 

I got pregnant pretty quickly, and although we planned it, I never felt like my husband was that into the whole pregnancy. He just wasn't as connected as I would've liked him to be.

 

Then our son was born premature at 29 weeks so I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and I think I changed a lot as a person. I quit my job to stay home, a couple months later we moved 3 hours away, left our home. Then 10 months later we moved back. Our son has had numerous issues with eating, including flat out refusing and having to be fed in his sleep. It's been hard for me and I feel like he never fully understood. There's been a lot happen in our short marriage.

 

I also don't think he's the father I expected him to be. Not to say he's not a great dad, he definitely is. But he tends to focus more on financially supporting his family. Money isn't everything. He never once got up at night with our son. If I'm around, all the "work" is my job. He'll play, but only takes care of the "responsibilities" if I have gone out for some reason. Which doesn't happen often.

 

 

I hear you loud and clear. Been there!!!! Just a thought.... sit his ass down and tell him point blank....this is what I need, this is what I deserve. If you can't, won't, or refuse to give them to me, I'm gone. PERIOD. I can not and will not live in this love less environment. So your choice, M to your job, or M to me....which is it????

 

Then, if he doesn't.... get out of there and find your self who will spark those emotions that you so desperately want and need.

[CrazyMom]

Then go to the Dr and get yourself checked up, hormone levels and all. Your marriage IS salvagable!

 

PS sorry about that last comment in my other reply (i'm super sensitive right now as my beloved cat passed away) so I am sorry, ignore the top part of my reply to you..

 

Aww it's ok. I'm sorry to hear about your cat

[whichwayisup]

Nothing changed at the time.

 

I also talked to him about things since I met the OM, however, he doesn't know about the OM. Only that I don't feel the same.

 

He wants to work it out, he wants to try to change things he does. I told him I don't think he DID anything to make this happen, it just did. And I'm not sure there's hope.

 

He's trying, he's being so sweet. But I don't even want him to touch me, let alone kiss me.

 

I do plan to start IC soon. We had a lapse in insurance so I had to wait.

 

Time to tell him about the OM. Just do it. Tell him you loved how the OM made you feel , though you'd prefer it to be HIM that makes you feel that way, not someone else. your H has no idea about this other guy and if he knew, his attitude would change.

 

Once you let go of the fantasy and everything about the OM, you will reconnect with your H again. But, if by chance it doesn't happen, then divorce.. You just can't walk away without really giving this your best shot. You both owe it to eachother..And for the sake of your child.

 

Imagine a year or two from now, you realize WTF? I walked away and divorced, full of regret and wish you had your H back? That would be awful..Even more so if he moved on and met someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Aww it's ok. I'm sorry to hear about your cat

Thanks CM. It's rough but it'll get better as time goes on..

 

I'm glad you're posting about all this stuff and not making any decisions yet. Do the IC and marriage counselling too. Make sure it's the same person for both, this way when your H joins you, your C will have the history and information already at hand.

[CrazyMom]

Time to tell him about the OM. Just do it. Tell him you loved how the OM made you feel , though you'd prefer it to be HIM that makes you feel that way, not someone else. your H has no idea about this other guy and if he knew, his attitude would change.

 

Once you let go of the fantasy and everything about the OM, you will reconnect with your H again. But, if by chance it doesn't happen, then divorce.. You just can't walk away without really giving this your best shot. You both owe it to eachother..And for the sake of your child.

 

Imagine a year or two from now, you realize WTF? I walked away and divorced, full of regret and wish you had your H back? That would be awful..Even more so if he moved on and met someone else.

 

Definitely. I've been so torn up through all of this because I'm afraid to make the wrong decision. There's definitely a level of comfort between my H and I that takes a long time to get to.

 

I do think my thoughts are clouded by my feelings for the OM. My feelings have taken over my head. I can't even think about a future with my H because I want a future with the OM instead. Things that my H and I have planned for our lives I don't even want to talk/think about because I feel like everything I pictured having in this life is different now because of the OM.

 

I know I need to get the OM out of my head. But on the other hand, I don't want him out of my head.

[whichwayisup]

Ahh Haa... So, when's that first therapy session? You need it badly..

 

Just continue to be honest and talk this out.

 

I strongly believe and have faith that you and your H can work together to make your marriage exciting and alive again. Once xOM is out of your blood and you stop and get rid of those fantasies in your head, how you've built it up in your mind, things will be much simplier.

 

Reality vs fantasy? Reality wins every single time and EVEN IF you left your H to be with the OM, there's no way what you've visioned your life (fantasy)to be like with OM will compete with how it truly will be (reality).. fantasy, everthing is perfect and happy go lucky. Real Life isn't like that.

[CrazyMom]

Did you used to feel like that about your husband? You had a baby recently right and you are staying home with the baby?

 

Maybe this is more about discontent with yourself and the way your life is now, maybe you even have some postpartum depression going on? Have you checked into the depression thing?

 

I don't think you want to go through life having a relationship with one guy, then the new wears off and going on to the next one, wash, rinse and repeat, do you? Unless you address whatever is going on within you, you can't find your happiness with someone you barely know.

 

I have not checked into depression but agree that I should.

 

I definitely don't want to go from one guy to another all my life. I also don't want to be in an empty marriage all my life. I just keep thinking of our son and him having to grow up in separate homes. I never wanted that for him.

 

Until the OM, I WAS content living in this life. But now that I've felt these feelings again I want to feel them all the time. And I feel like I should! Obviously the newness wears off, but I think I should feel passion toward my husband. Right now, there's none.

 

I feel like - "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Ugh, I'm just a cliche.

[wannabdone]

Definitely. I've been so torn up through all of this because I'm afraid to make the wrong decision. There's definitely a level of comfort between my H and I that takes a long time to get to.

 

I do think my thoughts are clouded by my feelings for the OM. My feelings have taken over my head. I can't even think about a future with my H because I want a future with the OM instead. Things that my H and I have planned for our lives I don't even want to talk/think about because I feel like everything I pictured having in this life is different now because of the OM.

 

I know I need to get the OM out of my head. But on the other hand, I don't want him out of my head.

 

 

This is sooooo true. We also have a tendency when there is someone else to make our H's into being a monster almost.

 

You said that he wants to try to make things work, but quite frankly it doesn't look like he's trying too much. The fact that his wife cried while they had sex and he didn't notice, shows a BIG red flag to me. No wonder you found someone who made you feel like a wanted and special woman again....no wonder you fell so hard as you say. This is exactly what happened to me when I met my xMM, and I fell hard. I left my H. I think looking back, I wish I would have at least gave it one last try. BUT this means he has to put in the effort.

 

My heart is breaking for you. It really is.

[wannabdone]

My suggestions:

 

-don't talk to OM

-get counseling

-get those hormones checked, PLEASE!!! that will make you crazy!!!

-lay down the law with your husband

-accept nothing less that what you want out of your R

 

If you do all of these things, and you still don't think your hubs will pull his head out. Leave and make a happy life for you. But you will have peace and know you tried, and did things the right way for you, for him and your kid-o.

 

 

Hugs!!!!