Mutual breakups, no contact, and when you start getting some clarity...

[appletini]

Hi everyone, I know this is a pretty abrupt entrance to the board since I haven't had a chance to introduce myself or my situation... but, like a lot of you it seems, I'm in crisis mode and just want some answers.

 

Basically, I had a mutual break up with my boyfriend a few days ago, which was over what I think are some very fundamental - but maybe transient - issues. We have different goals and life values, but we're fairly young (both in our mid-20's). While I am very career-oriented, my ex really just wants to live out his college years indefinitely. Lots of parties, alcohol, weed, lazy weekends, the works. Totally fine for some... not something I see for my future, and not something I knew about him when we were just getting started and making those commitments. That being said, he's made great strides in "growing up" and has always expressed a desire to do so. Additionally, a lot his best friends and co-partiers are growing up quickly themselves, many of them getting engaged/married and even starting families. He's going to run out of playmates, and a part of me thinks that this is when he'll decide to kick it in gear. But it's not something I need to wait around for, and in turn, he doesn't think he can put up with disappointing me any longer with his habits (and feeling guilty for things that he knows he has a "right" to do but will hurt him in the long run). So we decided to let each other go, with lots of love, affection, and thank you's for everything we had done for each other in the past year.

 

Our relationship was incredibly strong until the very moment we said goodbye. We were the kind of couple that verbalized our love, compassion, and dedication to each other many times a day. We never fought, only discussed, because our top priority was communication. There were discrepancies, sure. I'm a Type A girl who wants to learn about the world and debate issues and be challenged by a partner in life. He's a (proud) Type B guy who cares deeply about his relationships with family, friends, and me, and thinks good and enjoying the moment come before intellectualism and ambition.

 

When we said goodbye, he mentioned a few times that he thought we'd meet again in the future - he left it ambiguous as to how or in what capacity, although another romantic relationship was implied - but it was vague enough that it may have been a way to ease the guilt. I guess I did the same.

 

So here's the problem and the question.... I do love him, very much, and I know that he still, very much loves me. I can't see this changing for some time. We've (well, I've) decided on No Contact because that has always worked for me in the past. I think it gives a lot of perspective to a relationship and lets you have that "aha!" moment where you realize "omg what was I doing with that person".

 

But the past people I've dated haven't been like this guy. We never had that sort of love, communication, or connection. So this is the question: at what point during no contact do you usually realize whether or not you made the right decision? Assuming we never run into each other or each other's mutual friends, and nothing else comes up that changes the situation... A huge part of me feels it's a mistake, but so many friends and family tell me it's not (then again, they've really only heard the negatives - from me). I can't figure out which part is just blind emotion and which part is just the truth.

[wilsonx]

NC is not about finding out if you made a mistake or not. Look at what you wrote. That was one of the most mature breakup posts on this forum. You are going in one direction in life and he is going in another. That is a good and honest breakup.

 

One of the things you have to realize is that you made good and honest decision. It's going to hurt and it might for a long time but based on your views, it was a good and honest decision. Always trust your instincts on these life based decisions. You get into really bad trouble when you stop listening to yourself

[appletini]

Thanks wilson for responding so quickly. I think maybe 85% of me believes that, too, and this was the best possible way to end a relationship that was doomed either way.

 

There's just also this nagging 15% that's all "love conquers all, you messed up" and makes me think of Blue Valentine. Like when two people love each other that much, how stupid are they to give it up?

[DazyDaisy]

No contact is abrupt change and as such, you'll experience all kinds of crazy, intense emotions! Especially with mutual breakups, you don't really know where you stand because they usually say it's 50/50 but we all know it's not--but we don't know who got the bigger end of the stick. When a heart breaks, it don't break even. It's just that someone was forced into it. Give it about 3-4 months of complete NC, and you'll start seeing clearer.

 

No less than 3 months.

[appletini]

Thanks DazyDaisy - you're right, that's the hardest part: figuring out who ended up on top, so to speak, which is kind of a gross way to think of the end of such a caring relationship.

 

He definitely initiated the breakup after a fight, but the entire relationship itself was somewhat lopsided (he loved me more than I loved him). So it's just confusing to say the least.

[Troubles]

Hi everyone, I know this is a pretty abrupt entrance to the board since I haven't had a chance to introduce myself or my situation... but, like a lot of you it seems, I'm in crisis mode and just want some answers.

 

Basically, I had a mutual break up with my boyfriend a few days ago, which was over what I think are some very fundamental - but maybe transient - issues. We have different goals and life values, but we're fairly young (both in our mid-20's). While I am very career-oriented, my ex really just wants to live out his college years indefinitely. Lots of parties, alcohol, weed, lazy weekends, the works. Totally fine for some... not something I see for my future, and not something I knew about him when we were just getting started and making those commitments. That being said, he's made great strides in "growing up" and has always expressed a desire to do so. Additionally, a lot his best friends and co-partiers are growing up quickly themselves, many of them getting engaged/married and even starting families. He's going to run out of playmates, and a part of me thinks that this is when he'll decide to kick it in gear. But it's not something I need to wait around for, and in turn, he doesn't think he can put up with disappointing me any longer with his habits (and feeling guilty for things that he knows he has a "right" to do but will hurt him in the long run). So we decided to let each other go, with lots of love, affection, and thank you's for everything we had done for each other in the past year.

 

Our relationship was incredibly strong until the very moment we said goodbye. We were the kind of couple that verbalized our love, compassion, and dedication to each other many times a day. We never fought, only discussed, because our top priority was communication. There were discrepancies, sure. I'm a Type A girl who wants to learn about the world and debate issues and be challenged by a partner in life. He's a (proud) Type B guy who cares deeply about his relationships with family, friends, and me, and thinks good and enjoying the moment come before intellectualism and ambition.

 

When we said goodbye, he mentioned a few times that he thought we'd meet again in the future - he left it ambiguous as to how or in what capacity, although another romantic relationship was implied - but it was vague enough that it may have been a way to ease the guilt. I guess I did the same.

 

So here's the problem and the question.... I do love him, very much, and I know that he still, very much loves me. I can't see this changing for some time. We've (well, I've) decided on No Contact because that has always worked for me in the past. I think it gives a lot of perspective to a relationship and lets you have that "aha!" moment where you realize "omg what was I doing with that person".

 

But the past people I've dated haven't been like this guy. We never had that sort of love, communication, or connection. So this is the question: at what point during no contact do you usually realize whether or not you made the right decision? Assuming we never run into each other or each other's mutual friends, and nothing else comes up that changes the situation... A huge part of me feels it's a mistake, but so many friends and family tell me it's not (then again, they've really only heard the negatives - from me). I can't figure out which part is just blind emotion and which part is just the truth.

 

Hi appletini, im actually going through some of the same things you are when it comes to somewhat of a mutual breakup where we both still love eachother but need some time apart at this moment. Although I was the one dumped, I just wanted your input since it was a mutual decision. Did you guys decide that you still wanted a future down the line? Or are you hoping that you have that "aha" realization that he wasn't the one for you and that you infact made the right decision?

[appletini]

Hi appletini, im actually going through some of the same things you are when it comes to somewhat of a mutual breakup where we both still love eachother but need some time apart at this moment. Although I was the one dumped, I just wanted your input since it was a mutual decision. Did you guys decide that you still wanted a future down the line? Or are you hoping that you have that "aha" realization that he wasn't the one for you and that you infact made the right decision?

 

Sucks, doesn't it?

 

We didn't decide anything, in fact I made a comment like "this is the last time we'll see each other". He came back with, "I disagree, I truly believe we will cross paths down the road." That's pretty ambiguous and I thought he just meant friendship but he said something like, "Well I'm not saying we should wait around for each other but..." and trailed off. So who knows what he's thinking, or what he just said out of awkwardness? But no, there was definitely no "let's take six months apart and figure what where we are."

 

I guess to answer your question, I'm hoping for an aha moment either way... If it's aha, he was the one, I'd like to store that away in my brain and live my life knowing that we will cross paths one day because he's open to it. If it's aha, he sucks, that I'd just like that clarity so I can fully close this chapter of my life. I'm afraid of closing a chapter that shouldn't be closed, if that makes sense.

[Troubles]

Sucks, doesn't it?

 

We didn't decide anything, in fact I made a comment like "this is the last time we'll see each other". He came back with, "I disagree, I truly believe we will cross paths down the road." That's pretty ambiguous and I thought he just meant friendship but he said something like, "Well I'm not saying we should wait around for each other but..." and trailed off. So who knows what he's thinking, or what he just said out of awkwardness? But no, there was definitely no "let's take six months apart and figure what where we are."

 

I guess to answer your question, I'm hoping for an aha moment either way... If it's aha, he was the one, I'd like to store that away in my brain and live my life knowing that we will cross paths one day because he's open to it. If it's aha, he sucks, that I'd just like that clarity so I can fully close this chapter of my life. I'm afraid of closing a chapter that shouldn't be closed, if that makes sense.

 

Yeah it does suck quite a bit, you seem to be pretty strong throughout it though which is really good for you. I hope you guys come across paths again, it will be good for the both of you. I get what you mean by the closing a chapter that shouldn't be closed or in other words, a chapter you don't want closed. Don't you wonder what he's up too? Have you come across the both of you moving on stage where you're curious to what's happening with him? Im finding that the hardest part to go through. The NC and not knowing what is going through the others mind.

[appletini]

That's exactly what I'm going through right now, too. It's been less than a week but I think I've gotten back a lot of my confidence and strength. I haven't cried in a couple days, and I think I've definitely accepted the breakup. But, like you said, I'm insanely curious. Is he moving on, too? Does he have second thoughts? Does he think that he can pick up the phone at any time and get me back? Is he thinking about the relationship and realizing it wasn't so good after all?

 

It's hard because when and if I re-establish contact will depend so much on those answers. Since I don't have them, I guess I just have to stay silent.

[Troubles]

That's exactly what I'm going through right now, too. It's been less than a week but I think I've gotten back a lot of my confidence and strength. I haven't cried in a couple days, and I think I've definitely accepted the breakup. But, like you said, I'm insanely curious. Is he moving on, too? Does he have second thoughts? Does he think that he can pick up the phone at any time and get me back? Is he thinking about the relationship and realizing it wasn't so good after all?

 

It's hard because when and if I re-establish contact will depend so much on those answers. Since I don't have them, I guess I just have to stay silent.

 

I am exactly on the same boat with you, except I still have my ex on BBM even though we don't talk and it kills me everytime I see her change her picture or post up a status, I still don't know if its best I delete her or just ignore her on it, and not pay attention to her status's. How have you coped with all those questions? I tend to tell myself well we have history and im sure theres alot out there that will bring her to think of me so I still hope she thinks of me, and the same with your ex he probably is reminded of you alot, since it is still very very fresh. On my end she's already dating which has been difficult, it's a whole new chapter of being sad all over again, I hope you don't go through that.

[appletini]

Luckily my ex doesn't have Facebook or BBM so I don't have to worry as much about status updates, etc. For past exes though, I remember that being pretty damaging... it turned into a little battle of "I'm over you" status updates, you know, stuff like "TGIF!! Can't wait for a CRAZY NIGHT!" ... god college was so immature. Honestly, I would delete her if you can bring yourself to do it, because you'll eliminate the temptation. But... there's also something to be said for desensitizing yourself and allowing yourself to look at that stuff until it stops hurting. Only you can know what works best for you.

 

I know what you mean about wanting her to have little reminders. I know that my ex has some weddings and family gatherings coming up that I was supposed to attend, and in a sick way that makes me happy because I know 1) my name will come up, and 2) he'll notice my absence. A part of me just wants him to notice.

 

Watching an ex dating again is awful (been there, too, just not with this - yet). I'm not tempted to start dating myself though because I know that the breakup's too fresh, and there will be too many comparisons and thoughts of him. That's unfair to the next guy. Just because your ex is dating doesn't mean she's moved on. In fact, sometimes dating someone new is what causes an ex to come flying back to you. Which isn't necessarily good either.

[Troubles]

You are pretty lucky in that sense that he doesn't have facebook or BBM, so you aren't tempted as much to see what he is up too. Although she doesn't really update too much -yet, besides pictures where she's all dressed up and smiley..generally because shes going on dates..but whatever lol. I just put her at the bottom of my list and try and ignore it. The reason Im not as comfortable deleting her is because I feel that 1) she'll feel that she has power again, and it'll be easier for her to move on(i think), aside from the fact that she still checks my blog 9-10x a day to see what im up too. 2) We ended in a mutual note in some sense so I don't want to be a dick and just delete her off my list. 3) she didnt delete me and said she'd be there for me if i ever needed to talk, and has been asking my sisters to meet up and 4) She might take offense to that and just never speak to me again since I was the one who deleted her. I could be over analyzing the situation.

 

He will definitely be thinknig of you when it comes to those family gatherings especially at the wedding, if you guys have spoken about marriage he may start reminiscing about your future plans together, and that actually may have him trailing back to you once he see's a couple getting married and being apart of that moment.

 

It sounds like you're really experienced, but like you said before he wasnt like your exes so I can understand why even though you've been through some hard break ups before it may still be bothering you. By the way sorry if I keep asking you questions about this all lol, i just find our situations to be so similar and it helps to somewhat know you arent so alone when it comes to these circumstances.

[appletini]

From a girl's and former dumper's perspective, I will say that deleting her from BBM will not necessarily make her feel more powerful. I'm not proud of it, but in the past I thought that if an ex kept me on AIM/Facebook/etc. etc. I still had an open door if I decided that I wanted to rekindle things. That knowledge made it easier for me to move on. I think I did try restarting the relationship once, it was kind of a disaster, but he's actually the only ex I ever stayed friends with later on.

 

So anyway, I don't think that deleting her will make it easier for her to move on, either. I think it sort of says, "I've given up hope - I'm out," which is final enough to make her start itching to come back. If she's still checking your blog 10x a day, believe me, she's not apathetic. I just don't know if this is the game you want to be playing.

 

No need to be sorry, it's really great to have someone else in the same position - well, not great for either of us, but you know what I mean. I would try PMing you but I don't think I can yet...?

[Troubles]

Feel free to e-mail me [email protected] or add me on msn, or even better if u had bbm also lol. Yeah I cant PM either..i think you have to be on it for a month to be able to pm which sucks.

 

I never really thought of it that way, where she may feel itching for it. I guess im just a little skeptical. I do want her back that is one, I guess im just worried because of the way it ended. But you are right it does seem like an open door of communication for her and like she might feel that im right there whenever she wants. Would I tell her that I was deleting her or just do it?.

 

But please feel free to email me or msn or u can email me your pin, easier to talk and I guess we could help eachother through this. Sometimes its easier because not everyone goes through the same situation and when they're outside the box they don't exactly know how we feel.

[Mack05]

Appletini, there are so many things that need to make a relationship work. You seem to have most of the ingredients except two. 1) Compatability and 2) Timing. Right now you have different outlooks on life. You are career driven, he is still having fun. I wouldn't worry about "I'm a Type A girl who wants to learn about the world and debate issues and be challenged by a partner in life. He's a (proud) Type B guy who cares deeply about his relationships with family, friends, and me, and thinks good and enjoying the moment come before intellectualism and ambition". You have so many good relationship fundamentals and core values in common to overcome the issue above.

 

So basically in my opinion your big issue is timing. I don't believe in 'the one'. I think we can meet people at various stages of our lives, that we can perfectly be happy with. A lot of times in life the timing just isn't right for the relationship to succeed longterm. For me that is life (even fate) telling you that you guys are not right for one another 'right now'.

 

What happens next is going to be very interesting. Are you guys going to stay friends? I think there could be a big confrontation down the line if you don't get back together. Reason? Because you both gave each other a lifeline to cling too. Let's go out seperate ways but in the back of your minds you might get back together. Appletini that is like gun powder. All it needs is the spark to set it off. If one of you moves on before the other, you are going to see things get explosive. U both need to be very careful here.

 

You need to go NC and stay NC. Cut off all ties to him and live your life as if you will never get back together again. What happens after that, happens after that. I would thread seriously carefully here. No matter what, give yourself at least 2 months of time to grieve the relationship and think things through. That's me giving advice from the outside using my head. For you being involved with your heart is a lot tougher.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[appletini]

Thanks Mack, really helpful response.

 

I agree that staying friends, or at least being friends right now, sets one or both of us up for a bad situation. We had such a "nice" breakup that I would hate to ruin it with a blowout and a hateful goodbye that could have been avoided.

 

After a few rough days, I've actually been feeling pretty good. I've been extremely busy with work and have been reconnecting with some old friends that I fell out of touch with. Coming from this healthier place now, the idea of just throwing everything - friendship and all - down the drain seems rash and kind of cruel. Unnecessary, too.

 

I do have a question about the 2 months though. On the one hand, 2 months seems like a long time and I honestly can't imagine still mourning this breakup then. So much is already fading. On the flipside, I've also heard that 2 months is the point where one or both people in a breakup start getting all lonely and freaking out and it's the prime time for them to get back together.

 

These sound like polar opposite responses to NC. Which is it?

[Mack05]

Appeltini if you can buy the book 'Getting past your breakup (Susan J Elliot)'. You have a great head on your shoulders and this book will answer all the questions you have. She suggests two months NC for various different reasons throughout the book. There is so much in that book, that will be a big help for you..

 

In the meantime stay NC, read the book. You will know exactly what you need to do in two months. There is a section in there called the relationship inventory. Very enlightening to say the least.

Edited September 17, 2011 by Mack05

[appletini]

Appeltini if you can buy the book 'Getting past your breakup (Susan J Elliot)'. You have a great head on your shoulders and this book will answer all the questions you have. She suggests two months NC for various different reasons throughout the book. There is so much in that book, that will be a big help for you..

 

In the meantime stay NC, read the book. You will know exactly what you need to do in two months. There is a section in there called the relationship inventory. Very enlightening to say the least.

 

My Kindle thanks you!