Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I'm feeling slightly better about my break-up now, it's been 3 months and apart from when I see certain place names or the odd thing that reminds me of her (and I panic for a minute or so) I'm fine I think. But after the first time you loved somebody, once you started to get over it, did you ever wonder if you'd have the same closeness with somebody else that you had with your ex? And did you later go on to find it and wonder why you worried so much?
Keridan Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yep. and Yep. I don't have paragraphs to spew on the subject. In my case, the answer to both is yes.
wilsonx Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I'm feeling slightly better about my break-up now, it's been 3 months and apart from when I see certain place names or the odd thing that reminds me of her (and I panic for a minute or so) I'm fine I think. But after the first time you loved somebody, once you started to get over it, did you ever wonder if you'd have the same closeness with somebody else that you had with your ex? And did you later go on to find it and wonder why you worried so much? Beer, its fine man 3 months is still short, I am about there right now. This isnt my first breakup but definitely my most devastating. You realize after a breakup that that ex wasn't the right one for you. If you pay attention, you will make a better choice the next time around and hopefully not a worse choice (/facepalm myself). When you get to the point of indifference, you think to yourself that was stupid, can't believe I did that. Just take your time, do what you are doing and own your life.
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Yes Yes Thanks. Yep. and Yep. I don't have paragraphs to spew on the subject. In my case, the answer to both is yes. I'm not sure if I was looking for paragraphs to be honest just wanted to see if it's possible to be that close to someone again.
johan Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) It depends how close you were with her. If you were setting closeness records, then it isn't likely you'll reach the same levels again any time soon. But chances are you were just doing what you do in a relationship, and it will happen again. Maybe better. Maturity and experience make relationships deeper and more meaningful. You won't know what that really amounts to until it's happening to you. Edited September 14, 2011 by johan
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Beer, its fine man 3 months is still short, I am about there right now. This isnt my first breakup but definitely my most devastating. You realize after a breakup that that ex wasn't the right one for you. If you pay attention, you will make a better choice the next time around and hopefully not a worse choice (/facepalm myself). When you get to the point of indifference, you think to yourself that was stupid, can't believe I did that. Just take your time, do what you are doing and own your life. Thanks man, I think I realised now she wasn't right for me. I really think I will make better choices in future too because I now have dealbreakers I wouldn't have had before. It depends how close you were with her. If you were setting closeness records, then it isn't likely you'll reach the same levels again any time soon. But chances are you were just doing what you do in a relationship, and it will happen again. Maybe better. Maturity and experience make relationships deeper and more meaningful. You won't know what that Really amounts to until it's happening to you. I have no comparison as it was my 1st serious one but 'best friend' kind of close, the closest I've been with anyone really.
ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 But after the first time you loved somebody, once you started to get over it, did you ever wonder if you'd have the same closeness with somebody else that you had with your ex? And did you later go on to find it and wonder why you worried so much? Yes and yes Keep moving forward. There is no opportunity for happiness in your past. You'll find better if you learn from your experience and make better choices in the future. Easier said than done, but being aware is a good start!
Zaphod B Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Hell yes. When I broke up with my wife of 11 years (my first love) I took very seriously the claims people made that you will never find anyone like your first love. As a result of adopting that belief, I ended up in an unhappy relationship with a woman who I didn't really have that major spark and chemistry with like I did with my wife when we first met. We were together for 5 years. I continued to believe I would never have that magic again until I came to my next girlfriend. That magic was there and it was there BIG time. Perhaps even more so than with my ex wife. So yes, you CAN find that amazing love again.
mike588 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 It depends how close you were with her. If you were setting closeness records, then it isn't likely you'll reach the same levels again any time soon. But chances are you were just doing what you do in a relationship, and it will happen again. Maybe better. Maturity and experience make relationships deeper and more meaningful. You won't know what that really amounts to until it's happening to you. Wilsonx and johan hit the nail on the head! I'm in my 40s and have been thru many relationships/breakups. They all seem so important at the time but the answer is ,Yes.
quankanne Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 yes to both, but there's also some truth to what Zaphod says, that "you will never find anyone like your first love." You won't, and you'll make yourself miserable if that's the only goal you set, having something like you had before. but if you use that as a launching point for the next love/romatic relationship you have, you'll come to see that every love you have is different, but not "better" than the ones before. And that shows your capability and depth for loving, not cause you to be untrue to some fixed standard you've set. my personal belief is that every love relationship you experience takes you that much closer to the love you're ultimately meant to have, and that it's about allowing your heart to grow from the experience, not close itself off because of failure.
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 yes to both, but there's also some truth to what Zaphod says, that "you will never find anyone like your first love." You won't, and you'll make yourself miserable if that's the only goal you set, having something like you had before. but if you use that as a launching point for the next love/romatic relationship you have, you'll come to see that every love you have is different, but not "better" than the ones before. And that shows your capability and depth for loving, not cause you to be untrue to some fixed standard you've set. my personal belief is that every love relationship you experience takes you that much closer to the love you're ultimately meant to have, and that it's about allowing your heart to grow from the experience, not close itself off because of failure. This is what worries me.
omkara Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I like this thread. Samesies. Great questions, Ging.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) I've never duplicated the closeness of my longest term relationship with anyone else in real life. I have however been close to someone long distance recently that seemed closer than anything I've ever experienced. Technology has a way of allowing two people to share their insides without the element of physical appearances slowing things down. And because of the distance, it keeps the wanting so intense for a while. It gets very fragile however when the wanting gets even a little out of sync and suddenly one looks like he or she is fawning over the other--sight unseen. It's tough granting the "space" to sort things out one fears can only turn into more sobriety that it just couldn't or shouldn't be. I pray that there's more. In many ways she seems invented for me and there's so little to fix to make it work in a way that we can be close friends and confidants for years--the future is unwritten and anything is possible. Edited September 14, 2011 by Feelin Frisky
Forever Learning Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Hell yes. When I broke up with my wife of 11 years (my first love) I took very seriously the claims people made that you will never find anyone like your first love. As a result of adopting that belief, I ended up in an unhappy relationship with a woman who I didn't really have that major spark and chemistry with like I did with my wife when we first met. We were together for 5 years. I continued to believe I would never have that magic again until I came to my next girlfriend. That magic was there and it was there BIG time. Perhaps even more so than with my ex wife. So yes, you CAN find that amazing love again. Like you said earlier Ginger Beer, this whole thread is great! Everyone is giving very heartfelt advice, and that is the really nice thing about LoveShack, all the nice people who try their damnedest to help one another. I am 42 and during the course of my life I went through half a dozen terrible and tragic heartbreaks and there wasn't any Internet around to help me through it with enlightening information to help me feel less alone, nor any internet buddies for me to talk to and have a shoulder to cry on. All I had was sappy love songs on the FM (sometimes AM) radio to set me off into pathetic fits of bawling my eyes out every few hours day after day, which in a few cases eventually spiraled into real depression for me. The biggest factor of all in the depression thing, was the belief that I had just lost the one and only good thing that was ever gonna come my way. A FAULTY BELIEF ABOUT LOVE, CAUSED ME GREAT MENTAL PAIN. Those damn whacky love chemicals that hijack your brain don't help either! LOL You're pretty much a drug addict while in love, at least during the infatuation stages. And due to the fact we all have different brain chemistries and different childhoods (unfulfilled needs and such), some of us are more prone to drug addiction than others. I swear there have been several times that I was in love that my pupils dialated just like I was high on something. It was alot like cocaine. But back to the point. This thing about "you'll never find another love like your first love". TOTAL HOGWASH, DON'T YOU DARE BELIEVE THAT. If you buy into this belief, this is the single most destructive concept you can carry around in your brain. That is why I quoted Zaphod, above. He nailed it. His quote goes to show how that faulty belief can really mess up your life and leave you settling for something way less in a future relationship, than what you could have, if you have a more open, positive attitude. So please, don't buy into that retarded belief that you will never experience another love AS WONDERFUL AS your first love. BULLSH*T. The more you grow as a person (which you are doing, Ginger Beer), the greater your capacity to experience things in greater depth and more meaningfully in the future. Which means yes, you will have another love down the road, and it will be better than the one from your past. Don't even worry about that, mark it off your worry list. What you want to work on is healing from that past experience and adopting a positive attitude (not a bitter attitude). A bitter attitude is something that can hinder you from getting the next love you are hoping for. Not saying you have a bad attitude (I don't think you do), just saying don't ever let yourself fall into that trap of developing a bad attitude - it is the most self-defeating thing that can happen to you and really block your future chances for happiness. No one wants Mr. Negativity, you won't attract the woman you want. Ginger Beer you are destined for great things and great happiness in your future. Continue helping others around here as you have and out in the real world. Continue healing yourself from that past relationship (sounds like you are doing well in that area). It is just a matter of time for you. Oh, and of course, you do also have to get off the computer and out into the real world, to make it happen.
TheDovic Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yes, I was with a girl for 4 years and she left me for someone else. I eventually ran into her 4 years later (hadn't seen her since the breakup as she left for college in England) and she cried on my shoulder about how she didn't want to marry this guy and really loved me. Funny thing was, I felt absolutely NOTHING for her, but when she dumped me I felt like my heart had been ripped out. I tried everything to get her back but nothing worked. It was really empowering for me because I was now engaged to the girl of my dreams and never give my ex a second thought! Unfortunately for me the "girl of my dreams" dumped me two months ago, but I have hope because if I could forget about one ex I can forget about another!
Thornton Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 But after the first time you loved somebody, once you started to get over it, did you ever wonder if you'd have the same closeness with somebody else that you had with your ex? Yes. I didn't think I'd ever love anyone so much ever again. And did you later go on to find it and wonder why you worried so much? Yes... but for over a decade I never fell in love with anyone, and I was totally convinced that my first love was my one and only and I'd never find love again. Then it happened, and even though the relationship was just a brief fling and didn't work out, it was still amazing to realize I could have those feelings for someone else. I sort of felt like I'd been set free and was no longer emotionally tied to my first love. I subsequently found another loving relationship - whereas the previous one was just a fling, this was an actual relationship. But it was thirteen years between losing my first love and finding this relationship - I really didn't expect it to take that long
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Like you said earlier Ginger Beer, this whole thread is great! Everyone is giving very heartfelt advice, and that is the really nice thing about LoveShack, all the nice people who try their damnedest to help one another. I am 42 and during the course of my life I went through half a dozen terrible and tragic heartbreaks and there wasn't any Internet around to help me through it with enlightening information to help me feel less alone, nor any internet buddies for me to talk to and have a shoulder to cry on. All I had was sappy love songs on the FM (sometimes AM) radio to set me off into pathetic fits of bawling my eyes out every few hours day after day, which in a few cases eventually spiraled into real depression for me. The biggest factor of all in the depression thing, was the belief that I had just lost the one and only good thing that was ever gonna come my way. A FAULTY BELIEF ABOUT LOVE, CAUSED ME GREAT MENTAL PAIN. Those damn whacky love chemicals that hijack your brain don't help either! LOL You're pretty much a drug addict while in love, at least during the infatuation stages. And due to the fact we all have different brain chemistries and different childhoods (unfulfilled needs and such), some of us are more prone to drug addiction than others. I swear there have been several times that I was in love that my pupils dialated just like I was high on something. It was alot like cocaine. But back to the point. This thing about "you'll never find another love like your first love". TOTAL HOGWASH, DON'T YOU DARE BELIEVE THAT. If you buy into this belief, this is the single most destructive concept you can carry around in your brain. That is why I quoted Zaphod, above. He nailed it. His quote goes to show how that faulty belief can really mess up your life and leave you settling for something way less in a future relationship, than what you could have, if you have a more open, positive attitude. So please, don't buy into that retarded belief that you will never experience another love AS WONDERFUL AS your first love. BULLSH*T. The more you grow as a person (which you are doing, Ginger Beer), the greater your capacity to experience things in greater depth and more meaningfully in the future. Which means yes, you will have another love down the road, and it will be better than the one from your past. Don't even worry about that, mark it off your worry list. What you want to work on is healing from that past experience and adopting a positive attitude (not a bitter attitude). A bitter attitude is something that can hinder you from getting the next love you are hoping for. Not saying you have a bad attitude (I don't think you do), just saying don't ever let yourself fall into that trap of developing a bad attitude - it is the most self-defeating thing that can happen to you and really block your future chances for happiness. No one wants Mr. Negativity, you won't attract the woman you want. Ginger Beer you are destined for great things and great happiness in your future. Continue helping others around here as you have and out in the real world. Continue healing yourself from that past relationship (sounds like you are doing well in that area). It is just a matter of time for you. Oh, and of course, you do also have to get off the computer and out into the real world, to make it happen. :):) Thanks for this post.
sun_moon Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yes and yes. I cant wait to see whats coming next for me, for all of us ..... Someone said something about emotional and mental maturity being a factor of that closeness, I completely agree.
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Yes and yes. I cant wait to see whats coming next for me, for all of us ..... Someone said something about emotional and mental maturity being a factor of that closeness, I completely agree. How? I don't get it? As in the less mature you are the easier you get close to people?
shayla Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 When I was 45 years old, I got into a relationship with this man because at my age, I was running out of time to find happiness (HA!) I put up with his crap because I thought it was the price to pay for having a man in my life. When we broke up I was so crushed, I thougt that I was going to end up being the crazy cat lady who never got over having her heart broken and weighed down by bitterness. I am happy to say that none of that happened. I am now 49 years old and I have met a fantastic man and we have a loving, passionate, better relationship than I ever, ever had with my ex. I look back on that time with him and shake my head. When I saw him last week, I looked at him like I didn't know him. Yes!!! is the answer to both of your questions.
smudge21 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I can still recall my first lover nearly 20 years ago and how I felt I'd never feel this way again. Years later I did and once again, I thought I'd never feel this way again. Years on, same thing. Now fair enough, there's generally been a big gap between each woman I've had such strong feelings for and there has been shorter relationships between them (less feelings on both sides). I don't think you jump from one serious relationship to another and have the same intense feelings, but I do definitely believe you love again just as strongly. Going though this pain over my current ex has made me think back to the last time I felt this strongly for someone. Yet now I can still remember her but there are no feelings. All my emotions are with the current ex. I think that's how it works - you transfer your emotional bond onto another and she (or he) becomes your addiction. Once that's done, you no longer see the ex as you once did. So 100% yes to both questions. No doubt about it.
sun_moon Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 How? I don't get it? As in the less mature you are the easier you get close to people? No, as in, the wiser you are, the more mature you are, the more likely you are to find someone compatible and you can carry that close bond with.
Mack05 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) Ginger we will all meet someone who is better suited to us than our ex's ever were. It's what we do with this opportunity that counts. We all need to learn from our mistakes in previous relationships. We all need to let go of baggage and insecurities, so that they don't effect a brand new relationship. Some people don't learn from their mistakes and lose the golden opportunity for true happiness. Afterall, no one wants to spend eternity on a breakup forum. Your chance will come. When it does come, love her like no man has ever loved her. Take care of her, nurture her and be thankful for everyday she is in your life. Appreciate what you have. We go through this pain, to appreciate what will eventually come into our lives. Make her feel more special then any man ever has. A bit of advice for you in your next relationship. Don't you ever and I do mean EVER hit a woman. It's as black and white case as you can get. I don't care if she comes at you with a machete. I don't care if she rams a truck up your anus. You never hit a woman. Cowards do that. Comprende? -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3620116#post3620116 Edited September 14, 2011 by Mack05
stillafool Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 But after the first time you loved somebody, once you started to get over it, did you ever wonder if you'd have the same closeness with somebody else that you had with your ex? And did you later go on to find it and wonder why you worried so much? Absolutely! I found someone I love much more than my ex and he is faithful. You just haven't met the woman you are supposed to be with yet. You will.
Recommended Posts