Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My first post here. Not sure where to start. I have been w/ my H for 21 yrs. Kids are grown. I have not been happy w/ H for a long time. That is a whole other story. I was involved emotionally for the prev 5 yrs w/ a SM. We worked for the same agency, but we are 150 miles apart. Things got physical last March. Found out that he lives with GF, but not married. By this time, we already had the chemistty, fireworks, etc. I thought I could handle it. He was the one that got too attached. I told H about him b/c I just had a feeling he would come forward, but he never did. Then I lost my job and my daughter moved to college in the city he lives in. Not sure if it freaked him out that things were changing, or what but he started acting differently and I became the "needy" one. Ewwwe I hate that! Now he is totally blowing me off when I need him the most. My H knows, but really doesn't care. He actually offered to help me put dog crap on his car door handles, lol. Anyway, his GF has no clue. I have notes, hotel receipts, lots of emails, and other things of his that I want to present to her so bad! I know it doesn't make things right, but why should he get to walk around without consequences, and just punk out on me? Seems so unfair. I am not an evil or vindictive person, but he is bringing out the worst in me. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
StoneCold Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My first post here. Not sure where to start. I have been w/ my H for 21 yrs. Kids are grown. I have not been happy w/ H for a long time. That is a whole other story. I was involved emotionally for the prev 5 yrs w/ a SM. We worked for the same agency, but we are 150 miles apart. Things got physical last March. Found out that he lives with GF, but not married. By this time, we already had the chemistty, fireworks, etc. I thought I could handle it. He was the one that got too attached. I told H about him b/c I just had a feeling he would come forward, but he never did. Then I lost my job and my daughter moved to college in the city he lives in. Not sure if it freaked him out that things were changing, or what but he started acting differently and I became the "needy" one. Ewwwe I hate that! Now he is totally blowing me off when I need him the most. My H knows, but really doesn't care. He actually offered to help me put dog crap on his car door handles, lol. Anyway, his GF has no clue. I have notes, hotel receipts, lots of emails, and other things of his that I want to present to her so bad! I know it doesn't make things right, but why should he get to walk around without consequences, and just punk out on me? Seems so unfair. I am not an evil or vindictive person, but he is bringing out the worst in me. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. wait I'm kind of lost... you had an affair with a guy....he got needy and you told your H and dumped him? (so then its over right?)...then you lost your job, your daughter moves out and you need him? I thought you dumped him because he was getting needy... I'm lost
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 wait I'm kind of lost... you had an affair with a guy....he got needy and you told your H and dumped him? (so then its over right?)...then you lost your job, your daughter moves out and you need him? I thought you dumped him because he was getting needy... I'm lost Trying to sum things up and not be tooooo long. No, I never dumped the OM. I actually enjoyed when he was needy, but when I returned the emotions, it wasn't okay. He dumped me, by basically ignoring me and making excuses.
2011aug Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My H knows, but really doesn't care. He actually offered to help me put dog crap on his car door handles, lol. Well, if your husband doesnt care about the affair, why not find another man to replace the one trying to get away from you?
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Well, if your husband doesnt care about the affair, why not find another man to replace the one trying to get away from you? I was never "looking" in the first place. It just happened... Definitely do not want a replacement. Just wondering if I find the GF and tell her will I feel better? I know he is definitely history, so why should he get off scott free?
2011aug Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I was never "looking" in the first place. It just happened... Definitely do not want a replacement. Just wondering if I find the GF and tell her will I feel better? I know he is definitely history, so why should he get off scott free? I am not sure what you mean by "scott free". Since your husband does not care, didn't you get off scott free also?
Woggle Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I am not sure what you mean by "scott free". Since your husband does not care, didn't you get off scott free also? Exactly. I hate to be harsh but you are not the victim in this scenario. He is wrong for cheating on his gf but you chose to have an affair with him.
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I am not sure what you mean by "scott free". Since your husband does not care, didn't you get off scott free also? I told my H, he simply said "you cannot have both of us" and never brought it up again. So I came clean. The GF has no idea I even exist. He makes up fishing and hunting trips as an excuse to get away. Not the same, sorry.
Severely Unamused Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If it brings you some form of satisfaction go ahead and tell her. Why not? Seriously, explain clearly why you shouldn't. Moral reasons?
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 i think you should tell her, as she needs to know what he has been up to. i don't agree with you telling her out of spite, but rather because you feel she deserves to know. understand that she will be hurt and may be angry at you. are you okay with that? also, nit to lecture you, but stop blaming him for all of this. you chose to have an affair and you need to own that and move on. I guess I did not realize that I am "blaming" him for anything, other than bailing on me when the chips were down. He did persue me, he did know that I was married, and he never told me that he had a live in GF until we were already physically involved. Yes, I should have ran from the beginning, I know I am to blame. We are both adults and know right from wrong
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 If it brings you some form of satisfaction go ahead and tell her. Why not? Seriously, explain clearly why you shouldn't. Moral reasons? Okay, seriously, the only reason I feel I should not tell her is because it will cause him pain. I do not know her, never seen her, do not know her name, I have a feeling she may not even speak English, I will never see her again. Also, another reason is the ramifications of the drama....
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I guess I did not realize that I am "blaming" him for anything, other than bailing on me when the chips were down. He did persue me, he did know that I was married, and he never told me that he had a live in GF until we were already physically involved. Yes, I should have ran from the beginning, I know I am to blame. We are both adults and know right from wrong [/quote we all make mistakes...i guess the key thing is to learn from them. if you do decide to tell her ( and i think she needs to know) please do it in as kind a way as possible...don't let your anger at him be misdirected at her whatever happens, best of luck to you and yours:) Thank you Sprouts... not an easy decision by any means and definitely no one wins
Bryanp Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 What is your relationship with your husband now? Have you both gotten tested for STD's? How would you feel if your husband did to you what you have done to him?
Severely Unamused Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Okay, seriously, the only reason I feel I should not tell her is because it will cause him pain. I do not know her, never seen her, do not know her name, I have a feeling she may not even speak English, I will never see her again. Also, another reason is the ramifications of the drama.... If you are genuinely uncomfortable with causing him pain, than don't tell. If you are a vengeful person...tell. Self-preservation: Don't tell. If you feel for his gf to such a degree that you want to make sure that she knows, tell. You said that you feel all 4. Ultimately, do some soul-searching and figure it out. But don't rush. ^ I know that isn't very useful, but like you said: no one wins.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 You will tell the GF only at such point as when there is something in it for you. As for right now, you have more chance of regaining the OM's affection while NOT telling the GF than you would were you to tell his GF about yourself. So of course you're not going to tell her for the sake of telling her, when you have nothing to gain from it.
Severely Unamused Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 You will tell the GF only at such point as when there is something in it for you. Perhaps...
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 You will tell the GF only at such point as when there is something in it for you. As for right now, you have more chance of regaining the OM's affection while NOT telling the GF than you would were you to tell his GF about yourself. So of course you're not going to tell her for the sake of telling her, when you have nothing to gain from it. There is no chance of me regaining OM's affection at this point. It is definitely over. There is nothing for me to gain other than peace of mind, closure, and satisfaction that she may kick him to the curb or keep better tabs on him. lol, I know I am gonna get it for that one so here (_)(_) just kick me now.
Author Sexy T Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 What is your relationship with your husband now? Have you both gotten tested for STD's? How would you feel if your husband did to you what you have done to him? Friends/Yes/I would help him pack!!!
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 My first post here. Not sure where to start. I have been w/ my H for 21 yrs. Kids are grown. I have not been happy w/ H for a long time. That is a whole other story. I was involved emotionally for the prev 5 yrs w/ a SM. We worked for the same agency, but we are 150 miles apart. Things got physical last March. Found out that he lives with GF, but not married. By this time, we already had the chemistty, fireworks, etc. I thought I could handle it. He was the one that got too attached. I told H about him b/c I just had a feeling he would come forward, but he never did. Then I lost my job and my daughter moved to college in the city he lives in. Not sure if it freaked him out that things were changing, or what but he started acting differently and I became the "needy" one. Ewwwe I hate that! Now he is totally blowing me off when I need him the most. My H knows, but really doesn't care. He actually offered to help me put dog crap on his car door handles, lol. Anyway, his GF has no clue. I have notes, hotel receipts, lots of emails, and other things of his that I want to present to her so bad! I know it doesn't make things right, but why should he get to walk around without consequences, and just punk out on me? Seems so unfair. I am not an evil or vindictive person, but he is bringing out the worst in me. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Only read this post.....get counseling ASAP. And if your husband is in the business of offering to deface someone else's car and let you get by without the same treatment, he should probably consider counseling too.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 There is no chance of me regaining OM's affection at this point. It is definitely over. There is nothing for me to gain other than peace of mind, closure, and satisfaction that she may kick him to the curb or keep better tabs on him. lol, I know I am gonna get it for that one so here (_)(_) just kick me now. Assuming those receipts and things weren't written/printed with invisible ink, you still have no pressing need to tell the GF about him NOW. So of course you should await any future time when you could, possibly, have something to gain from so doing. OR perhaps you will by then be in a relationship of your own and be unwilling to let your new partner witness the potentially-underhanded effort at sabotaging this EX's life for no reason. I mean, IF you stood to receive $20,000 or $200,000 in alimony or child support or some such thing, from crumbling his relationship with the GF, then you'd tell her, but now you just have no reason... LOL - it has to be rather comical when you anticipate in your mind the would-be conversation/interaction you'd have with the GF.
Try Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Seems so unfair. I am not an evil or vindictive person, but he is bringing out the worst in me. Hint, if a person feels that they have to tell you that they are "not an evil or vindictive person", it usually means that they are. Nothing in your post indicates otherwise.
Woman In Blue Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Wow, it's just all about YOU, YOU, YOU, isn't it? How YOU feel and how YOU hate that he got off 'scott free' and how it will make YOU feel by ratting him out to his girlfriend. Un-fu*cking-believeable. Yes, you should tell his girlfriend what a complete scumbag he is because she deserves better than the lying dirtbag she's stuck with. But here's a thought - instead of it being all about YOU, why don't you consider the fact that as a human being, you need to have a little COMPASSION for others and actually consider the fact that you're doing this woman a favor? Yes, yes, I KNOW how difficult it will be to take the focus off YOU, but give it a try. Boy, aren't you going to be disappointed when scientists discover the center of the earth - and it isn't YOU. :sick:
Try Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Wow, it's just all about YOU, YOU, YOU, isn't it? How YOU feel and how YOU hate that he got off 'scott free' and how it will make YOU feel by ratting him out to his girlfriend. Un-fu*cking-believeable. Yes, you should tell his girlfriend what a complete scumbag he is because she deserves better than the lying dirtbag she's stuck with. But here's a thought - instead of it being all about YOU, why don't you consider the fact that as a human being, you need to have a little COMPASSION for others and actually consider the fact that you're doing this woman a favor? Yes, yes, I KNOW how difficult it will be to take the focus off YOU, but give it a try. Boy, aren't you going to be disappointed when scientists discover the center of the earth - and it isn't YOU. :sick: You are on the money right.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yes go ahead and tell her. What will happen? He will hate the ground you walk on, do everything in his power to make her stay with him, more than likely she will and their relationship will be better that ever and he will probably marry her. Instead of being angry with him, be angry with yourself and your decisions and try to do better in the future.
reboot Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Lady, this man isn't married to you, he isn't commited to you, and he doesn't owe you one damn thing. You're looking for revenge, pure and simple. You had your fun, and now it's over. Leave him alone.
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