TragicAlliance Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I'm confused about the status of our "relationship." Are we or aren't we? I know I was the one who called things off... you'd think I'd be the one who knew the answer to this question. You'd think the answer would be so simple, but I'm so far in the dark that I'm perplexed. Today it's as if we haven't missed a beat. Picking on each other, goofing off, making all the usual innuendoes... Yesterday it was like the world was falling apart and I was the only one hurting. That you didn't care at all, and that you had moved on from me. What will we have tomorrow? Happiness and rainbows? Sorrow and despair? Anger and bitterness? Nothing at all? I hate not knowing what's coming... and even though I've been taught in my support groups and in my therapy that I should take things only one day at a time, I'm always looking at least a week ahead. I wish I knew what the heck was going on here. I'm so damn bipolar when it comes to you. I love you and hate you for everything you've done. I'm proud of you for being stronger than I but resent you for not letting me see how you really feel about us. I'm glad you're growing happier with each passing day but am crushed because it seems your happiness is coming strictly after I called it off. I can't live with you, but I can't live without you. I want to shove you away, yet when you push away I want to grab hold and not let go. Damnit. I normally have everything in control... but not this. No, this has me completely at its mercy. I feel like a rag doll in the mouth of an angry puppy - being shaken back and forth furiously. I hate how I feel... Going from minute one being happy and silly... to minute two crying my eyes out... to minute three screaming how much I can't stand you... to minute four, where I'm grasping to straws trying to keep you around. We're so damn bipolar together... so explosive, violent, and volatile. But at the same time, we're something powerful, passionate, and... hell, crazy. Insane even. (I smile through tears writing that, just so you know.) We are friggin' insane. We share the same brainwave sometimes - the same thought crossing our minds at the same exact moment. Sometimes I'm convinced we're psychically connected because we channel each other's emotions and physical ailments. We used to sleep together every night through Skype just so we could hear each other's breathing; so we could wake up and not be alone in the mornings - and I've missed that more than you'll ever know. We've made so many inside jokes and innuendoes that only we'll ever understand. We're the only ones who can have a conversation that is nothing but random noises, and we giggle because we get it. Let's face it... we're both effing nuts. But at the end of the day... I guess there's not a single person on this earth I'd rather be insane with...
othersideofthepillow Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If you can't live without him why didnt you work on living with him before you left him?
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I did try working on it. I got two jobs, started looking at gyms I could join, etc. And I honestly thought I could handle it... and for the most part I was alright. But then he'd show up for a few minutes, or on Facebook, and that was enough to mess me up. So I guess maybe I didn't prepare enough. Or maybe my subconscious knows something that I have yet to figure out.
othersideofthepillow Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I mean before you broke it off...did you think you wouldnt care after it was over and now you regret your decision?
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