Are racial preferences ever arbitrary?

[PratyekaYana]

Jane, our hypothetical subject A, has thrust herself into the dating game in pursuit of a quality man with whom she can finally settle. Very practically, she makes a list of all of the traits that her ideal partner should possess and actively seeks those traits out when vetting candidates. One such trait concerns the race of her potential husband. Jane has determined that she is "just not attracted" to race A and is therefore unwilling to expand her dating pool to that group. When asked to justify her lack of attraction, she simply states that she is just ambivalent toward this race of men as romantic prospects and just doesn't fancy them in that way.

 

I've seen these attitudes reflected in some of the posters here at LS, and many, when questioned on them, will simply offer that the void of attraction is "just there" or something over which they have no control ("I can't help who I'm attracted to"). My question to you all: is that true?

 

Is one's racial preference an arbitrary turn of circumstance, or is it a deeply held (but perhaps unacknowledged) prejudice that manifests in a way that does not yield attraction?

[GorillaTheater]

Is one's racial preference an arbitrary turn of circumstance, or is it a deeply held (but perhaps unacknowledged) prejudice that manifests in a way that does not yield attraction?

 

I think it could be either. It could be that nebulous thing called "attraction", or it could in some cases be a manifestation of racial prejudice.

 

In my dating days, I was attracted much more to whites and latinas than asians or african-americans (with a few notable exceptions). But I personally have nothing against asians or african-americans. Similarly, I always favored brunettes over blondes, and shorter girls over taller girls (again, with a few exceptions). Funny thing, attraction.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Jane, our hypothetical subject A, has thrust herself into the dating game in pursuit of a quality man with whom she can finally settle. Very practically, she makes a list of all of the traits that her ideal partner should possess and actively seeks those traits out when vetting candidates. One such trait concerns the race of her potential husband. Jane has determined that she is "just not attracted" to race A and is therefore unwilling to expand her dating pool to that group. When asked to justify her lack of attraction, she simply states that she is just ambivalent toward this race of men as romantic prospects and just doesn't fancy them in that way.

 

I've seen these attitudes reflected in some of the posters here at LS, and many, when questioned on them, will simply offer that the void of attraction is "just there" or something over which they have no control ("I can't help who I'm attracted to"). My question to you all: is that true?

 

Is one's racial preference an arbitrary turn of circumstance, or is it a deeply held (but perhaps unacknowledged) prejudice that manifests in a way that does not yield attraction?

 

 

 

This is something of a trick question. For it is almost never the mere color of one's skin that dictates interest or passivity. Instead it is the various traits we associate with those various colors which sometimes give the impression it is a "race" thing. Perhaps the word "culture" might be more accurate in your context.

 

Even the law probably only deals with mere "skin color" where it concerns racism, and nobody reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally gives a hoot about the various 'hues' of human skin. There have come to be soooooooooooo many little factoids/traits we all associate WITH various skin colors, and those little things are probably shorting all of us.

[omkara]

I detect some repressed racism.

[Feelin Frisky]

Some people are racists, some just don't want to complicate their lives by crossing racial divides. Some actually believe that a whole race is not appealing but don't otherwise denegrate that race. It's hard to know what anyone really means when they say stuff like the OP proposed. I tend to think there is a general lack of attraction plus the desire not to complicate life by facing the challenges of a bi-racial relationship. There are certain race/ethnicities that generally don't appeal to me as much as others, but if I were to like a particular someone and fall into a mutual love, no general preference would get in the way. One in hand is worth a billion in the bush.

[truelovesnightmare]

like I said I think it'snot her prefference then sheshouldnt consider it.

[ScreamingTrees]

I basically agree with Nate, but at the same time, is it racism just because someone isn't attracted to a certain race? Is it always elitism, or could someone ever really have an unbiased preference?

[sm1tten]

I'm not a racist but I'm generally not attracted to black men or East/South Asians. Part of it is that I come across few of them that are on what I consider "my level" but most of it is that I just don't come across ones that I actually find physically attractive. I'm not "oh I would never date a ___, they are all so ____" but in the last several years none have made it on my "gotta have him!" list.

[muse08]

I think this would be a more appropriate category. So it may be better to say, while they may not be racists, their open mindedness is limited.

 

...and they may hold many "prejudices" about races other than their own, causing them to be less open minded.

 

Any way you slice it, it's related to an individual's prejudices, imo.

Edited September 14, 2011 by muse08

[Stung]

I think it can be related to someone's prejudices, but it would be a mistake to assume that it is without further questioning and reflection, or to assume that that is always the case across the board. Perhaps culture and location need to be added into the formula, as well. Personally, I grew up in a very multi-culti area and I have dated and been intimate with men and women of all ethnic backgrounds, but there are a couple of ethnicities that I tend to have a preference for on an aesthetic level. From my own perspective and experience, that's not at all weird or unusual and I don't see how it points at any particular racism.

[muse08]

I'm not a racist but I'm generally not attracted to black men or East/South Asians. Part of it is that I come across few of them that are on what I consider "my level" but most of it is that I just don't come across ones that I actually find physically attractive. I'm not "oh I would never date a ___, they are all so ____" but in the last several years none have made it on my "gotta have him!" list.

 

The fact that you would single out a race like you just did, wreaks racism and immaturity...and perhaps you've been living under a rock.

 

I just think there are attractive men in every race. But at the same time, you can't date every guy just because you find them attractive. They may have a really small..."brain"!

[ScreamingTrees]

...and they may hold many "prejudices" about races other than their own, causing them to be less open minded.

 

Any way you slice it, it's related to an individual's prejudices, imo.

 

 

Well, if an asian guy just doesn't particularly find african features to be attractive, or vice versa or whatever, it doesn't mean they think they're superior, does it? So they might have a closed mind, but they're not quite racist.

[Stung]

The fact that you would single out a race like you just did, wreaks racism and immaturity...and perhaps you've been living under a rock.

 

I just think there are attractive men in every race. But at the same time, you can't date every guy just because you find them attractive. They may have a really small..."brain"!

 

Out of curiosity, would you still consider it racist if smitten were black or East Asian, or are you assuming she is white? Would assuming she is white actually be a racist assumption? Does the word she used, "generally" not have any softening impact on her statement? I have dated black men, got pretty serious with one, but to be honest I am "generally" not usually attracted to that race--just as for many years I was "generally" not attracted to whites. I happen to have stumbled across some exceptions to that, sure, but my preference has generally been for Asian/Latino/Native American/Middle Eastern ethnic backgrounds. I'm married to a white guy now, go figure. Another exception, happily.

 

I agree with you that there are physically attractive men of every race--but just because a man is objectively attractive, doesn't mean I'm attracted to him. Brad Pitt, for example, is widely considered highly objectively attractive, but he leaves me cold.

[Stung]

One of my biggest reasons about being totally open to all types of women is because I had one simple thought:

 

If I found a woman who was able to dial all of my buttons, and just make me damn happy, but just because her skin is 'so and so color', I should turn that potential happiness away?

 

I would never have the heart to tell a woman "look you're perfect for me, but because you're black,white,hispanic,asian, etc. It's not going to work out."

 

Nah.

 

Can't do it. I just can't. Finding a s/o who makes you truly happy is rare enough as it is in this world today, why put something small like that in the way?

 

Just my own sentiments. Boy, am I thankful for my upbringing.

 

Mr. Nate, you big old sack of sugar. You're just looking for the world's most perfect ass, you don't care what color it is.

[muse08]

Well, if an asian guy just doesn't particularly find african features to be attractive, or vice versa or whatever, it doesn't mean they think they're superior, does it? So they might have a closed mind, but they're not quite racist.

 

Lol.You're right. It doesn't make them racist, just less open minded, possibly very prejudice and perhaps they've been living under a rock.

 

When I say "living"under a rock, I'm not even trying to be sarcastic, even though you were. It's just that each race , the spectrum is pretty broad. So the asian guy could've dated a chic who is half asian & half african, but because many africans/blacks/PEOPLE PERIOD may be mixed , the asian guy wouldn't know. If he still ies her, as beautiful as she may be, then yes he is racist or just afraid to go against the expectations of his family & friends.

[sm1tten]

The fact that you would single out a race like you just did, wreaks racism and immaturity...and perhaps you've been living under a rock.

I didn't say there aren't attractive men in every race. I said that I don't come across men in those races that I'm attracted to, and I am being specific to a "right now" sense. I'm far from immature and I live in one of the largest American cities and as a function of my career interact with a lot of different people on a daily basis, so no, not under a rock. I'm also one of the races I mentioned and don't have any self- or race-hatred, so no, I'm not racist. I actually don't think I'm close-minded either. I think that either of those would have required a statement like "I think black men are ugly," or "I think Asians are stupid" and followed by "I would NEVER date either of those," which, funnily enough isn't what I said. I also said that it wasn't just physical. In my age, educational, income, and career bracket there is an abundance of one race over some others. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by my race of origin and I only dated those guys. Does that make me racist? I'm an adult surrounded by mostly white men, and I tend to date those guys. How does that make me racist?

 

I like how you both attacked me and took my statement to an absolutist stance for no real reason and I was really surprised that it came from you.

[muse08]

Out of curiosity, would you still consider it racist if smitten were black or East Asian, or are you assuming she is white? Would assuming she is white actually be a racist assumption? Does the word she used, "generally" not have any softening impact on her statement? I have dated black men, got pretty serious with one, but to be honest I am "generally" not usually attracted to that race--just as for many years I was "generally" not attracted to whites. I happen to have stumbled across some exceptions to that, sure, but my preference has generally been for Asian/Latino/Native American/Middle Eastern ethnic backgrounds. I'm married to a white guy now, go figure. Another exception, happily.

 

I agree with you that there are physically attractive men of every race--but just because a man is objectively attractive, doesn't mean I'm attracted to him. Brad Pitt, for example, is widely considered highly objectively attractive, but he leaves me cold.

 

Lol, cute. Brad Pitt...I could do with or without.

 

But regarding smitten's statement, the word generally doesn't really lighten (no pun intended) anything up . Sounds more like it was intended to be a buffer, it doesn't really matter...

 

She singled out two races that she is not generally attracted to. I have friends who say the same thing about white guys and asian, but people who generally have this opinion (rightfully so) have little exposure and tend to prejudge ethnicities other than their own...

[Stung]

 

Don't mind Stung, guys, it's getting late for her.

 

 

It's true, it is. Also, I have a nasty cold. I need a hot toddy and an interracial hug.

[AHardDaysNight]

Well, there are some cultures where it is preferred for both spouses to be of the same race.

 

It is not prejudice, any more than religion preference is prejudice.

[muse08]

I didn't say there aren't attractive men in every race. I said that I don't come across men in those races that I'm attracted to, and I am being specific to a "right now" sense. I'm far from immature and I live in one of the largest American cities and as a function of my career interact with a lot of different people on a daily basis, so no, not under a rock. I'm also one of the races I mentioned and don't have any self- or race-hatred, so no, I'm not racist. I actually don't think I'm close-minded either. I think that either of those would have required a statement like "I think black men are ugly," or "I think Asians are stupid" and followed by "I would NEVER date either of those," which, funnily enough isn't what I said. I also said that it wasn't just physical. In my age, educational, income, and career bracket there is an abundance of one race over some others. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by my race of origin and I only dated those guys. Does that make me racist? I'm an adult surrounded by mostly white men, and I tend to date those guys. How does that make me racist?

 

I like how you both attacked me and took my statement to an absolutist stance for no real reason and I was really surprised that it came from you.

 

My comments weren't meant to offend you in any way smitten.

 

I was trying to understand you, but I guess it's just the way you could single out 2 races that aren't particularly "on your level" or just aren't attractive to you, sounds kinda (VERY) racist, whether or not that wa s the message you intended.

 

You have a right to your preferences. I'm merely giving my opinion.

[PratyekaYana]

This is something of a trick question. For it is almost never the mere color of one's skin that dictates interest or passivity. Instead it is the various traits we associate with those various colors which sometimes give the impression it is a "race" thing. Perhaps the word "culture" might be more accurate in your context.

 

Even the law probably only deals with mere "skin color" where it concerns racism, and nobody reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally gives a hoot about the various 'hues' of human skin. There have come to be soooooooooooo many little factoids/traits we all associate WITH various skin colors, and those little things are probably shorting all of us.

 

This is along the lines of what I was stabbing at in my original post, ambiguous wording on my part notwithstanding. Do we ever objectively find one race more or less attractive than the other, or is it an issue of what traits we have been conditioned to believe a particular race or ethic group possesses? I ask because, akin to some of the other responses, I don't have a barrier on the race of women that I consider for romantic partners. All are welcome. It also occurs to me that I don't carry preconceived notions about the behaviors and characteristics that I can expect from a woman based on her racial identity. Having first acknowledged that, I became curious as to how many people refuse to expand their dating pool because of the notions that they carry, subconsciously or otherwise.

[PratyekaYana]

I'm not a racist but I'm generally not attracted to black men or East/South Asians. Part of it is that I come across few of them that are on what I consider "my level" but most of it is that I just don't come across ones that I actually find physically attractive. I'm not "oh I would never date a ___, they are all so ____" but in the last several years none have made it on my "gotta have him!" list.

 

May I ask what qualities constitute your level? Keep in mind that it is not my intent to attack you in any sense. I'm just trying to unpack your post for greater understanding on my end.

[tigressA]

I'm mixed (black/white). I'm generally not attracted to black guys. The only black guys I grew up with/around were my dad and younger brother; I grew up in a small town that is literally like 99% white. So far every black guy I've met I have thought of as my brother or my dad. I'll be friends with them, be like family to them, but never be romantically interested in them. I've never had any fantasies involving a black guy. I kissed a black guy once a few years ago and it made me feel like I was committing incest.

[Cracker Jack]

Pretty much agree with Nate here. I grew up around plenty of different races, so it wasn't hard finding an attractive girl within any of them. The area didn't have as many Caucasian's as the other races, tho, so they were never big on my attraction radar.

 

Then I moved into a new area that was predominantly Caucasian, and before I knew it, I started finding myself VERY attracted to Caucasian women. Hasn't went down since.

 

My racial preferences are well varied, and I can honestly say I love it.

[rafallus]

Racial preferrences are arbitrary.

 

Other than white, I've been attracted to several Asian girls in the past. But I do not recall being attracted to women any other race. I've acknowledged some of them as good-looking, but it's not the same.