TurningTables Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Hi everybody. So, I wanted to know everyone's opinion on Indifference. I started to think that Im getting there, but he still can make me mad and upset. What is your true meaning of indifference? And how do you realize when you get there? Thoughts?
Lostinlife4now Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Hi Turning Tables! I know "Indifference" as we speak....I have it for xMM. And really have it bad/or good however you want to look at it. I sent him off and back to his W and M a few weeks ago because I was tired of always feeling like ****. Yes, it finally does hit you. Mine was when he went on vacation with the W and kids for 2weeks and I said to him and myself THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE END. I was being second best, the OW, the one that makes him feel wonderful and like a MAN and his best friend and his everything and his heart and soul.... and she gets the freakin vacation,,,I just didn't want to do it anymore, fell out of respect for him and myself. If he can go on vacation for 2 weeks with her "HIS MARRIAGE AIN"T THAT FREAKIN BAD!" I didn't trust him anymore because I just didn't. If he could lie to her he could and would lie to me. I had had ENOUGH!!!! Now, I HATE HIM...yeah I know, hate is a strong word, but that's what I feel. So hate to me is INDIFFERENCE.....and it feels good.........I don't want to talk to him or see him... nada...and I used to be head over heels for this man.... True meaning of indifference is NC......and moving on.......and no looking back...............................:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
all3sides Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I am only at a little over 4 months NC and still have to work with my xMM so I don't know if I'll ever get to true indifference. But I think that when I get to the day when I realize it has been a day, a week or 10 days or a month since I've even had a thought of him, I'll know I'm there. I don't know if it's something you can specifically set a goal date to reach it by, but somewhere that you realize you've gotten to once you've arrived. It's not something I feel I'll ever be able to attain as long as I have to work with him. I just have to be content with getting to the point where he's not on my mind (good or bad) all the freaking time! Just my opinion and meaning the 'you' in general, nobody specific.
half_ofa_heart Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Hi everybody. So, I wanted to know everyone's opinion on Indifference. I started to think that Im getting there, but he still can make me mad and upset. What is your true meaning of indifference? And how do you realize when you get there? Thoughts? Well, I'm not there but Hey... A girl can dream right? I would hope that indifference is when you no longer have even one thought about him/her one way or the other. When and if they were to contact you, you wouldn't have the slightest emotion other than perhaps annoyance. When running into them somewhere is no different than running into that person you barely knew in highschool who remembers you but you don't remember them. I am so far from this place but am hoping to move to indifference soon.
Circular Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 There are three things people discuss the most; love, hate and indifference. They say the opposite of love is indifference but I don't fully agree. I look at it more as a triangle, three different states of how we feel about another person all with varying degrees. To me indifference means that I'm not affected by the other person. That is, what they do or say doesn't easily illicit any emotional response from me. It's the feeling I have for a lot of co-workers, I can have conversations, idle chit-chat, but there's no attachment. If the person quit tomorrow I'd probably not give it a second thought. To me that is indifference. There's nothing 'at stake', nothing invested. When people say they hate that's not indifference. Hate is born from an emotional attachment, it comes from suffering loss. When we say we hate something, someone, etc... if we're using the true form of the word (vs. dislike) it means we're attached to the outcome, that there is something of great meaning that's been taken away, that there is an intense emotional struggle happening within ourselves. In other words we are affected greatly. That's why people say there is a fine line between love/hate in relationships because hate infers that through a concerted effort of fixing, apologies, etc... hate can be converted back to love. That's how I've always looked at it.
MissBee Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Hi everybody. So, I wanted to know everyone's opinion on Indifference. I started to think that Im getting there, but he still can make me mad and upset. What is your true meaning of indifference? And how do you realize when you get there? Thoughts? Indifference for me was: No longer having any emotional reactions towards him. No longer associating things with him (seeing the type of car he drove, going places we had been together, ANYTHING that remotely reminded me of him would upset me until I became indifferent; I no longer made such associations) No longer feeling like he needed to "pay" or that his life needed to be bad in order for me to be happy. No longer thinking about him daily but having to actually make myself try to think about him. No feelings of nostalgia and reminiscing. No burning curiosity about how his life is going and wanting to be a fly on the wall to see. No conversations in my head with him about unsaid things. No mental "reaching out" to him and no hope that he would either see the light or apologize. No longer rewriting history but accepting what is and feeling quite fine and unimpressed by the whole thing. No longer counting the days of NC as us not speaking became a normal part of my life and my world no longer revolved around the obvious fact that we didn't speak...so there was nothing to count. Being able to see him and wish him well without trying to be friends or without feeling anything romantic towards him or having any desire for anything beyond cordiality. It's an awesome place that I never thought I'd get to but boy when I got there, I was glad! Edited September 13, 2011 by MissBee
spice4life Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Great list MissBee! That's indifference to me.
SBC Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) When you find a passion. Something that you are really into that takes your mind off of everything, not only him, but everything It takes you to a place where nothing bad touches you. For me, it was art. When working on my art, I hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. And all I had to do when he tried to make me notice him was to go that place, and he cant reach me. Then I just kept growing that passion to include other people, new places and I look forward to it every all day long. That is the promised land. When you enjoy being by yourself so much, that you critically review every relationship that you have and if it does not positively add to this awesome thing you already have, you have no difficulty cutting it loose. I don't know, this is where I am at anyway. Edited September 13, 2011 by SBC
spice4life Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 When you find a passion. Something that you are really into that takes your mind off of everything, not only him, but everything It takes you to a place where nothing bad touches you. For me, it was art. When working on my art, I hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. And all I had to do when he tried to make me notice him was to go that place, and he cant reach me. Then I just kept growing that passion to include other people, new places and I look forward to it every all day long. That is the promised land. When you enjoy being by yourself so much, that you critically review every relationship that you have and if it does not positively add to this awesome thing you already have, you have no difficulty cutting it loose. I don't know, this is where I am at anyway. Great post! I agree, it's about adding to the awesome life you already have....sooo true! Great place to be SBC, I'm there too.
Gentlegirl Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Great post. I know it took you a long time to get there. I don't know what indifference is YET!. I'm still getting through the first year of separation and remembering all the small things and big things that happened. Yes.. the kind of car, the flowers I remember picking on the roadside with him... etc etc. I am not striving for indifference. It seems that it will come in time . I believe it will happen gradaully and naturally, same as missing a loved one who has has died. It is a state of mind to anticipate with pleasure.
Author TurningTables Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Indifference for me was: No longer having any emotional reactions towards him. No longer associating things with him (seeing the type of car he drove, going places we had been together, ANYTHING that remotely reminded me of him would upset me until I became indifferent; I no longer made such associations) No longer feeling like he needed to "pay" or that his life needed to be bad in order for me to be happy. No longer thinking about him daily but having to actually make myself try to think about him. No feelings of nostalgia and reminiscing. No burning curiosity about how his life is going and wanting to be a fly on the wall to see. No conversations in my head with him about unsaid things. No mental "reaching out" to him and no hope that he would either see the light or apologize. No longer rewriting history but accepting what is and feeling quite fine and unimpressed by the whole thing. No longer counting the days of NC as us not speaking became a normal part of my life and my world no longer revolved around the obvious fact that we didn't speak...so there was nothing to count. Being able to see him and wish him well without trying to be friends or without feeling anything romantic towards him or having any desire for anything beyond cordiality. It's an awesome place that I never thought I'd get to but boy when I got there, I was glad! Miss Bee: I love this post. It sounds like heaven to me. The bolded parts speak to me the most. Thank you.
ladydesigner Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Indifference for me was: No longer having any emotional reactions towards him. No longer associating things with him (seeing the type of car he drove, going places we had been together, ANYTHING that remotely reminded me of him would upset me until I became indifferent; I no longer made such associations) No longer feeling like he needed to "pay" or that his life needed to be bad in order for me to be happy. No longer thinking about him daily but having to actually make myself try to think about him. No feelings of nostalgia and reminiscing. No burning curiosity about how his life is going and wanting to be a fly on the wall to see. No conversations in my head with him about unsaid things. No mental "reaching out" to him and no hope that he would either see the light or apologize. No longer rewriting history but accepting what is and feeling quite fine and unimpressed by the whole thing. No longer counting the days of NC as us not speaking became a normal part of my life and my world no longer revolved around the obvious fact that we didn't speak...so there was nothing to count. Being able to see him and wish him well without trying to be friends or without feeling anything romantic towards him or having any desire for anything beyond cordiality. It's an awesome place that I never thought I'd get to but boy when I got there, I was glad! Oh you got that right MissBee;) I am currently at the bolded=Indifference and yes it is indeed a great place to be. Normally I would have gotten caught up on the day of my XAP's birthday and this year it came and passed and I did not even take notice. That is when I really had my light bulb moment of "Wow I really have reached indifference":D
MissBee Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Oh you got that right MissBee;) I am currently at the bolded=Indifference and yes it is indeed a great place to be. Normally I would have gotten caught up on the day of my XAP's birthday and this year it came and passed and I did not even take notice. That is when I really had my light bulb moment of "Wow I really have reached indifference":D Yess! I remember in the first year I dreaded the anniversary of our breakup, I dreaded his birthday coming up and contemplating saying anything to him or wondering what he was doing, I dreaded Valentine's day without him and all special days would loom in the distance like scary markers, making his absence obvious....the first time our "breakup anniversary" rolled around and I didn't even remember until the end of the day was amazing! I had a little celebration of how far I had come
MissBee Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Miss Bee: I love this post. It sounds like heaven to me. The bolded parts speak to me the most. Thank you. It is heaven...and corny as it is, the saying: "This too shall pass" is very true! My bestfriend and I often discuss how GREAT it feels to be at this place and how we'd never wish to be where we were before, as it was very difficult and painful but look at us now...we still remember how we longed to be at the end of the tunnel and how distant it seemed BUT you do get there! Nothing painful lasts forever and life does move on for the better! That healing process taught me a lot and will change how I process any future breakups, should I have any.
MissBee Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Great post. I know it took you a long time to get there. I don't know what indifference is YET!. I'm still getting through the first year of separation and remembering all the small things and big things that happened. Yes.. the kind of car, the flowers I remember picking on the roadside with him... etc etc. I am not striving for indifference. It seems that it will come in time . I believe it will happen gradaully and naturally, same as missing a loved one who has has died. It is a state of mind to anticipate with pleasure. Beautifully said GG! Very true. I always wanted to know "How can I get over this quickly????" and kept wishing for a magic pill to pop and be done, but that didn't happen. I had to go through it and come out the other side when it was the right time and when I had learned what I needed to learn. Indifference crept up on me when I least expected.... The time spent striving for indifference, means you're not indifferent yet....one day out of the blue, some little thing happens and you realize WOW! I'm over it! How did that happen? DON'T CARE! Just glad to be in the Promised Land!
Gentlegirl Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 MissBee, I am waiting patiently..or maybe a bit impatietntly. GG
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Well, I'm not there but Hey... A girl can dream right? I would hope that indifference is when you no longer have even one thought about him/her one way or the other. When and if they were to contact you, you wouldn't have the slightest emotion other than perhaps annoyance. When running into them somewhere is no different than running into that person you barely knew in highschool who remembers you but you don't remember them. I am so far from this place but am hoping to move to indifference soon. I agree. Indifference to me is not giving a rat's a** if they call, don't call, write, don't write. You don't love them nor hate them. If they call, its like one of those friends you talk to once every 6 mths, you see their call and think "I'm really busy scrubbing toliets", then forget they even called, until 6 mths later when they call again. I am sooooooooooooooo far from being their. GD'it!!!!!!
SBC Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Great post! I agree, it's about adding to the awesome life you already have....sooo true! Great place to be SBC, I'm there too. I am sincerely happy for you Spice. It is a b*tch getting here though, isn't it? But so, so worth the effort.
fellhard4u Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Thank you Miss Bee for sharing your list about indifference. All I can say is that I wish I was there already. The path towards getting there has been excruciatingly painful so far, but I'm still walking the path... At this point, I would be happy just to get rid of the obsessive thinking and reminiscing about him and the A. I have a feeling that once I can break that "habit", I will be in a better spot and closer to reaching the nirvana of indifference.
Lostinlife4now Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 fellhard4you! Believe me you will get there...and when you do it is absolute bliss..... and I have arrived.......and so will you......
mzdolphin Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 When I think of indifference I think of a 1980s Valley Girl stating "WHAT-E-VER!" It's dismissive. He calls or emails and says, I miss you. You respond "WHAT-E-VER!" You are cleaning your room and unearth one of his socks "Gag me with a spoon." He says he can't stop thinking about you. "WHAT-E-VER!" If after going NC he keeps trying to talk to you, then you go Ricky Lake 1990s "Talk to the hand"
Still Loving Posted October 3, 2011 Posted October 3, 2011 Hi everybody. So, I wanted to know everyone's opinion on Indifference. I started to think that Im getting there, but he still can make me mad and upset. What is your true meaning of indifference? And how do you realize when you get there? Thoughts? I have no idea how to get there. It's been 10 years since I last saw or spoke to my ex of 15 yrs. I still love him & still have no desire to date anyone else. We have discovered that we have both thought and wondered about each other over the yrs. & we were both crushed emotionally when the relationship ended. We both still love each other. He is in a 5 yr relationship & happy. Indifference would be welcome any time now. Still Loving
JaneyAmazed Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I have no idea how to get there. It's been 10 years since I last saw or spoke to my ex of 15 yrs. I still love him & still have no desire to date anyone else. We have discovered that we have both thought and wondered about each other over the yrs. & we were both crushed emotionally when the relationship ended. We both still love each other. He is in a 5 yr relationship & happy. Indifference would be welcome any time now. Still Loving This isn't making sense. If you haven't seen him or talked to him in 10 years, how do you know he still loves you and is happy in his current relationship?!
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