yuengling Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I'll try and keep this as short as possible. W and I are married for 7 years we've been best friends for about 6 years b4 marriage. I'm 35 W=33 We also have 2 daughters ages 6, 4. They are our world. we love them to death. Throughout the years we got into a rut. with the kids, busy work schedule, we never made any time for us. 2 yrs ago I noticed my W being very distant. I found out she was having an EA. she told me "I love you but not in love with you" went to counseling 6 or 7 sessions till the W decided we don't need to go. Afterward we started making some alone time. Things were starting to get better. she was showing me some affection which was a big thing for me. FastForward to a week ago. I noticed she was being distant, showing no affection. We haven't kissed, hugged or had sex in over 2 months. I finally said something. Well, the $hit hit the fan. She said she doesn't have that emotional connection with me. so, I get suspicious, thinking there's something going on behind my back. I looked in her phone and found txt messages suggesting something was going on... she denied everything. Says she's finished. she says without the Emo conn. she feels are marriage is over. I've let things cool down for a few days now. A few times during our marriage I messed up BIG TIME. My W thinks a had a few affairs on her. I didn't, but I understand why she thinks I did. I hurt her a lot. Which is one BIG reason the emotional connection has gone away. She put up a wall, and will not let me into her heart. she has a hard time forgiving me of the things I did. So, in a last ditch effort to save this marriage, I planned a get-a-way for us this weekend. I sent her an email asking her to go. And to only accept my offer if she's willing to start fresh, and try to re-build this marriage. My question(s) for you. If she agrees to go, do we just try and have a good time, and not talk about our marriage? Or do I take this time to try and clear the table so to speak, get everything out in the open? I have a lot of questions regarding this OM? Not sure how to approach this. Thanks for your time!!
fenderstrathss Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 First thing to do is to end the affair. If she has someone else waiting, nothing you say or do will matter. Trust me. Also, the first EA was more than likely way more, which she temporarily ended during counseling and it recently started back up again. Reminds me of when I confronted my wife with phone records and she swore up and down it was just innocent "sexting" and nothing more. Lied to me with out flinching. It eventually trickletruthed out (after gathering more evidence and confronting her) that she had been sleeping with the coworker the entire time. The affair was very premeditated and meticulously planned. Sticking your head in the sand only gives her a free vacation and doesn't do anything to end the affair or reconcile the marriage. The ball is in your court. Gather evidence, confront, expose the affair, and make some hard decisions. Don't let her drive the train any longer.
Keridan Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I agree that the affair has to end first and foremost. It's an affair, not a flirtation. Can you trust her? If not, can you be with her? You have questions about him, those have to be addressed. I understand why you're considering just moving on and trying to remind her of the happy times, but that only works if you can let go of what's eating you. Otherwise, it just delays the inevitable. I'm afraid you have some tough conversations and decisions ahead. I really hope it all works out well for you. I highly recommend trying counseling one more time. I wish you the best. We are always here if you need more.
Author yuengling Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 well, forget that. Weekend cancelled. W told me last night she went to see an attorney to discuss her options. I'm afraid it's over. We had a good talk lastnight. She's still undecided about what she wants to do. She insists that there's nothing going on. Not sure I believe it, but i can't force it out of her. She says I'm not the right guy for her... We lost all emotional connection. She says all these nice thing about me. But the"spark" isn't there anymore. She says I deserve someone that will love me the way I deserve to be loved. She feels that because she shut me out and we lost all emotional ties. the only way for her to start fresh is to leave me. She refuses to goto couselling. she thinks once the spark is gone it'll never come back.
jpundun Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 well, forget that. Weekend cancelled. W told me last night she went to see an attorney to discuss her options. I'm afraid it's over. We had a good talk lastnight. She's still undecided about what she wants to do. She insists that there's nothing going on. Not sure I believe it, but i can't force it out of her. She says I'm not the right guy for her... We lost all emotional connection. She says all these nice thing about me. But the"spark" isn't there anymore. She says I deserve someone that will love me the way I deserve to be loved. She feels that because she shut me out and we lost all emotional ties. the only way for her to start fresh is to leave me. She refuses to goto couselling. she thinks once the spark is gone it'll never come back. Sounds like my wife. Almost the same circumstances and words especially the list of "She says". I have tried everything imaginable to fix the marriage but can't do it myself and she refuses to try. We decided to go dark (no contact) as a last chance to save the marriage (my idea). We are now separated and I have no idea where she is. I do not have any hopes that this will work but I read about it on Divorce Busters and they said it works in a lot of cases. I also initiated divorce proceedings. That's how much faith I have in this working. AT any rate maybe you should just back off, give her space and forget about her until she initiates something or doesn't in which case you would be wise to lawyer up as I did. Good luck.
reboot Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 She's still having an affair, and it's probably way beyond an EA.
Recommended Posts