stillhurt Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Have many of you have ever wondered where your willpower goes when you reconnect with an ex? I practiced willpower most of the time, but when I happened to break it recently I realized that whatever I thought I would say to him just gets watered down. Every curse word I wanted to use on him became a soft jab. I was so furious at him and myself and at one point I was worried that I might hurt myself. (This forum really helped me get through all that...so thank you all!) And, I wanted to hurt him too for putting me through so much pain. His actions were so selfish in the end and it showed how little care he really had for me. So, I often thought that if I ever got the chance I was going to let him have it! But, when we finally chatted 3 months later, I was upbeat and cheerful. My ex has always replied to me after our break up. (Probably, cause I never acted crazy) He has reached out and has always said he hoped that I would keep in touch. When I have broken NC he has always acted glad to hear from me. In fact, this time he asked if it was ok if we stay in touch and wanted to hang out. I said no! This time, again, I was way too honest about how I was doing. Told him that I was still finding my balance what not. (which let him know that I am still not over him ) But that I was trying a lot of new things and just having fun. I emphasized that I was trying to make myself happier not worse. That I was preparing myself for the right person. Although I was trying to show that his actions did not affect me, my pain still slipped into the conversation. He sensed it too, but just kept on saying that it's really good I am so positive about the whole thing. Of course I didn't want to say that most days I dreaded getting out of bed and can't stop thinking about our past. I know that he is probably most curious to see if I am seeing anyone. He is super possessive and I think he just wants to know my status just in case his relationship doesn't work out. He can be very manipulative. How can I have such strong willpower to not call for months and then totally give in? In the last few months I have worked out, lost weight, made new friends, dated, volunteered, but I still let this one person affect me! And, not only give in, still have a decent, cordial, flirty conversation with a man that treated me so selfishly in the end? I piss myself off! And, to make it worse, I wish we can still talk and still miss him. Where is the will to get over this guy? Does anyone have any suggestions?
geegirl Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Everytime you go back and he openly accepts you, it reignites your hope. You miscounstrue his niceness and his willingness to "accept" you back as an indication that he still cares and may want you back. You reignite the flame everytime you keep in contact with or open the door to him. In that sense, your will is always broken everytime you let him back in. Keeping hope on the burner will keep your willpower at bay. Keeping NC and letting hope diminish will slowly strengthen your will power as you make that journey. But you have to stay the course. Your willpower has to come from you recognizing that out of the many times that you've lather, rinsed, repeat, the outcome has always been the same and that helps to start releasing that hope. It may not happen overnight but you damn sure cannot diminish it by keeping in contact with him, hoping maybe opening the door this one more time will send him into your arms. Don't mistake his coming back into your life sweet like peaches and cream because he wants you. No. He will always want to look like the good guy. He will always want to have you sitting in sidelines. He will always lay it sweetly to keep you engaged. All of which are reasons that will not give you what you want. No one can tell you where to find your will. There will come a day when you will be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then you will decide it is enough. Till then, you either have the choice to keep yourself stuck and hoping or to slowly accept that while you have hope, the only way to kill that hope is to barrel through NC and get to where you need to be. And where you need to be is finding mental clarity that will keep you detached emotionally and help you be realistic about what you want and don't want in your life. And why do you put yourself through the torture of giving him a play by play of your life? Do you really believe that if he sees you moving on and being so strong, he'll come running back to you? Your healing is supposed to be about you and no one else. All this game playing is not going to benefit anyone but him. You fake "awesomeness" while you are dying inside and he revels in once again getting ego boosts from how this poor soul is trying to get over his magnificence. Stop. Please. If you are dying inside, let him go and embrace the hurt you feel inside and heal it. Don't manipulate yourself for him. When are you going to put yourself first versus always wanting to stand in the line of fire just because you want to prove a point to him and that is, at the end of the day 1) not being made and 2) torturing you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Feel the pain. Barrel through. You've done this one too many times to keep wanting to do it again. He's moved on, dating a new girl and has a new life. He's taken charge of his. When are you going to do that? Painful as it is, at least do one right thing by you and hold on to your self-respect and dignity. And the way to regain that is to stick to NC and focus on healing you. It's not about him anymore. He has stepped out of the picture. It is now about you. There is no other way around it. Edited September 13, 2011 by geegirl
Besmy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Geegirl said such wise words, I agree 100% with her. Stop seeing him, stop contacting him, he doesn't care about you any more, he's just civil enough to talk to you when you break NC, that is not the same as wanting you back. A hug
geegirl Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Stillhurt, I was reading your post again and it seems like you are truly caught up in his reaction to you when you both reconnect. Aside from laying out the red carpet and oozing with niceties and plesantries, the lack of action in showing you he wants you back is a clear sign that "nice words" are the furthest you are going to get with him. That is all he can offer you. And if you presented yourself in a sexual manner, that is all it will be as well. If a man wants a woman, he will show her in ACTION. Words are great but if that is all he can offer, then it basically is, nothing. Don't read too much into his reactions. It's what any guy would do if he wants to dangle you on a string.
Author stillhurt Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Geegirl, I don't think I am making all these changes for him. I guess I am just trying to tell him that he hasn't broken me. That I don't need him to have fun! Actually, my progress is not really about him, it was about me trying to find things to past time so I wouldn't feel the pain as much. I found that when I stayed home I felt even worse, so I always kept myself busy. It was not for him at all! I just needed the endorphins...lol. I accepted a long time ago that he is not coming back. I know deep down that he doesn't believe in us anymore, so why would he come back? That's the key to a successful relationship no? That everyone has to believe in the relationship. I had continued NC cause I didn't want his pity. I know that I dissect everything he says to me. After our last conversation, I realized that it was pointless But, it doesn't take away the pain and loneliness of missing him. I guess this post was more just me saying I wish I had more willpower to not reach out when I am at my lowest point. I think it was because I had reached the point of being so sick and tired of feeling like crap, the realization that he wasn't coming back and I was letting go that I had such a hard time in the last 3 weeks. I had reached my lowest point when I reached out again. I had never felt so bad since our breakup. I have only reached out to him 2-3 times in the last 7 months while he has done more than double that. I have gotten calls in the middle of the night, texts, im's, all by his initiation. Of course, I replied though. Which is where I failed. I trust myself enough at this point that I won't put up with crumbs. I know that's what he's feeding me. I have been getting no actual action from him, and I know that. He knows I still want to try and that is where I need my willpower to not reach out.
geegirl Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) What I am saying is that you can't allow these changes to fully affect your life and propel you forward if you are still in contact with him. Part of you wants and are making these changes for yourself because you know you have to but it almost defeats its purpose when you keep opening the door to him. While you work hard to make these changes, you derail yourself by letting him in. The focus should be solely on you and no one else. No distractions from him until you get emotionally detached and indifferent. Contact him when you are free from him. When you're fine with the fact that you can never be together. Pretending you are ok whenever he comes around because you stll want that lifeline going is you just taking two steps forward, one step back. The next time you feel weak and at your lowest, come here and post. The next time you feel you need to reach out, step back and think. Use your mind and not your heart and evaluate for a minute and ask yourself what would be different this time. Don't react. Don't give in to the bad feelings. Don't fantasize or romanticize. Don't seek comfort from him when he is your source of pain. Sometimes by breaking NC a few times do we then learn that it's the best way for us and the only way. Don't beat yourself up. Your emotions are normal and it's what everyone feels when they're hopeful and somewhat in denial but deep down inside knowing they need to move forward. But the one most important thing during this "make or break" time is to never give in to those bad feelings. They will come and when they come, let it engulf you and then let it pass. Because I promise you it will pass. They come like waves. Just don't react. Your willpower will get stronger as you train it to do what you want it to do. It's time to start thinking versus reacting and giving in to your heart. At the end of the day, you know the outcome is still the same. The next time you feel weak, as yourself what's going to be different and ponder on that and if you seriously believe that you stand a 110% chance, then good for you. If not, keep moving forward, as painful as it is. It's the only way. Edited September 13, 2011 by geegirl
Coupedriver Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I cant send PMs geegirl and I need to ask you where you got your avatar from..? Sorry for THREAD stealing everyone
TheDovic Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 The answer to why do you not feel you have willpower is because emotions are a lot stronger than logic. You can do so well for a long time and think you're making great strides, but when your emotions are triggered by seeing the person you love(d) they will take over! If you really want to get over him go nc again and do your best. You can't really do any more than that, so don't beat yourself up. Like the rest of us you're only human. Good luck
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) GeeGirl, do you know he said that if we meet up and if we still feel it, he would break up with his current gf? He claims that he wouldn't do that to either one of us. I was like WTH! Is she a back up or am I? I just said no! Like, I said, I don't want to be the cause. And, I deserve better. He has to make that decision himself. And, if he doesn't, it's like you said, I am just being strung along. Seriously, I don't even know why I put up with this kind of treatment. Is it because we had good times, and he was a decent bf while we were together? He was never verbally abusive or anything like that, treated me as best as he could and was really romantic. The problems only started showing when I refused to sleep over/move in after 1 year together. He purchased an apt at the time and thought we were going to move in together, but I agreed. And we fought about it a lot for the 2nd year. I live with my family and they are ultra-conservative so I was scared to disappoint my parents. (I was 32 at the time, he was 36...so you can understand why it drove him crazy) And, even then he continued to try to please me, but his heart wasn't in it anymore. When things got bad, he would act out like an immature jerk, and since he was hardly ever upset with me, it would freak me out and I would just want to break up. The second he acted bad I would bring up breaking up. It was like there was no other alternative in my head. We just didn't communicate our problems effectively. But like many of you said, once the relationship is over, a whole other side of the ex comes out. Now, I am just confused as to who is this guy who seems to be just stringing me along? Throwing me crumbs! He never even hinted at this kind of behavior when we were together. In many ways, I think he is curious to see if I "grew up" but since the relationship is not just he and I anymore, I think we both feel that we can't go back. And, he sure as hell doesn't want to deal with my family. I think he thinks that it's easier to start with a clean slate. I feel like your post about the clown. Getting smacked each time. Ever since our conversation, I have been hoping he will reach out again, but of course he hasn't! I saw an invite to gchat from him and actually called him, thinking he wanted to chat. But, he said that it's cause i didn't reply to his text and he was trying to find me. He ended the call with, "I will catch up with you another time." Classic brush off. He's moved on and I am just trying to accept that. He has said that he doesn't think it's healthy when people keep going back to their ex's. He has accepted that we are over. (of course he has a distraction to help him through that....damn it!) I want to barrel through the pain, and it does come in waves. But, the hope is still there, no matter how much I wish it would just leave. There are more signs that it's over for him than He is just curious, but the feelings are not strong enough for him to actually do anything about it. How do I just let go? And, do you guys think that he is just stringing me along for real? Why would he want to meet up? Am I just getting played? I am so confused. I know my posts are long and tedious, but I am trying to journal through my feelings. Sorry. Edited September 14, 2011 by stillhurt
Mack05 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I feel like your post about the clown. Getting smacked each time As usual Geegirl has given some top notch advice on this thread. Just stop contacting this 'clown'. It's so simple! You can never be happy or feel secure with this man. Sadly stillhurt some people don't listen to advice and actually don't want to be helped. So why don't you meet up with more false hope and get beat up again at some stage down the line. Then post here after a few more months heartbreak saying, "you guys were right"....Siggghhhhh
geegirl Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) This guy knows how to dangle the carrot infront of the two of you. Let's pit the two girls and get a massive hard. "If" you two feel it you two would get back together? I bet he will get back together and keep that girl hanging on a string. Even if he makes a decision Still, think about the type of man that you will be investing yourself emotionally in. It's not about if he wants me or not. The bigger picture is why would you even consider a slimey guy like this? You ask why you would put up with him? Because you are emotionally attached. You are thinking with your heart. Not with your brain. Looking from the outside he looks like a douche. You from the inside, believe he is all that even though you know he reeks a mile. If you NC and you let the space and time (also depends on what you do with that time), you will detach emotionally and be able to gain mental clarity and see him for who he is. My ex was a despicable, slimey asshat. When we broke up, I was pining for a pig. Now looking back, I want to smack myself upside the head. Why? Because the emotions are gone and I see him for who he is. You can't find that clarity if you don't completely detach. He was never verbally abusive. Great. But that does not mean that just because he didn't hit you, you need to accept and settle all his other unhealthy traits. That's like saying, "He can cheat as long as he doesn't hit me." You can put up with a trait a little less worse than the other? Compare him to the best not the worst. You should be aiming high, not low. The guy that is stringing you on now is who he actually is. The guy that was sweet for 6 months is an impression that had to be presented to win you over. People are on their best behaviors in the beginning stages, hence the honeymoon period. Once that is over, the true self emerges. That's when your true nature and your true feelings about the person and the relationship shows. If a couple can withstand the post honeymoon period, they have a strong foundation and chance of going further. If not, then most likely, it's doomed. If someone loves you they will deal with your toe fungus down to your family. Trust me. I've seen couples with monster families. At the end of the day it all boils down to the love you have for each other. The rest can stay in the background because your priority is each other and building a life together. Stillhurt, the signs are so clear. It's time you embrace it and stop fighting it. When someoen wants to be with you, you will know it. They will come for you. They will show you in action. No brush offs. No dangling on a string. No half baked IFs. No push and pull. Aside from having a new girlfriend (she does not have a prize and you both could possibly be in reverse roles), telling you he has moved on, wants a new life...what else does he need to tell you to make you see he does not want to be with you in the way you want him to? I am sorry for being harsh but he is telling you, listen. He is not even showing you in action. What else is there for you to keep pondering on? Like I said, the hope won't just go away. You have to keep away from him for it to dissipate and in turn you will gain mental clarity which will help to detach. Unless you stay away, your hope will always be on the burner. How do you let go? One day at a time. Commit to wanting to NC and to be done with the situation because eventhough you have hope you know he is gone. You're in denial. You just said he is done. You know it. He strings you along because it's a huge ego boost for him. Two women at his feet. How great for him. Telling you he "MAY" decide to be with you if you both hit it off? What type of commitment or security is that? NOTHING. In the meantime his girlfriend is thinking she has the catch of the day committed to her while he is entertaining you. Sicko. Two women who are completely deluded into thinking he is a prize. He wants to meet up to have sex. He wants to meet up to get a huge ego stroke. He brushed you off of gchat. He said IF you guys hit it off. Yes, let's have a sex and see where it goes. You are getting played. If you don't think you are getting played, well then look at his present girlfriend. What he does to her, he will do to you. Don't for one second think you are special because he is focusing on you while he still has her. He has her in the palm of his hands. He doesn't have to put in the work there. So, he's up your skirt wanting to see if you will pander to his needs. You're not confused. You just don't want to accept it. You're in denial. Confusion is when the signs are not so clear. Your signs are clear as daylight. You just don't want to see. Edited September 14, 2011 by geegirl
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Yes, and this whole drama is my own fault. I got clowned! I just want to say that I was a little unclear before. The "see how it goes" is if we meet up and have drinks to catch up...not sex! He said is that if we ever end up sleeping together again he would break up with the girl, no matter what happens between us. Even if we don't work out, he would break up with her. He is claiming that he wouldn't string her along, but then again, what the hell do I know. I am here typing away cause I am getting strung. The thing with him and I is that we always start out innocent with our conversations and then realize that the attraction is still there. I think he still honestly cares about my well being and I him. But, no one is willing to back down. I know that if you love someone you learn to compromise and he just couldn't when it came to my family. My family made it really difficult for him. They would have all these events where he would not be invited and they would make me choose between him or them. And, I would always chose my family and leave him by himself. I try to be fair in every situation, and I know he had a hard time with all this. He was career driven, had goals for us, got an apt for us, etc. He just didn't understand why my family was so non-accepting of him. What made it the worse was how I never stood up for him in front of them. This went on for 2 years! I am not defending him, but it wasn't easy for the man. This stressed our relationship a lot and pulled us apart. All that doesn't change the fact that he is acting douchy when we connect now. But, he knows that his actions are douchy, admits it, which is why he has said that he is trying to leave me alone, which he has. I also told him I don't want to remember him as a jerk (too late). The thing is that our relationship had a lot of problems that were coming from my end too and I guess that's why I always get stuck, sad and confused. He had his issues, but they were stupid things like he was messy, his schedule or something like that. His family accepted me right away and there was no judgement from their end. Sometimes, when you are hurt you tend to make the ex look super bad so you can get past it all. But, truth is, he wasn't a bad guy until after the break up and even then, it was only a very short period, like a week. He has actually said that if he knew I can handle just sleeping together now he would just continue with me, but he knows I can't so he leaves me alone. This time around, he actually said that we both won't know where we will end up if we reconnect. It might be good or bad, but if I can't handle it he doesn't even want to hurt me by trying. If he was a real douche he would just lie to me and tell me we are going somewhere when we are not, just to get in my pants. But, I also have to remember, that he has a gf now who like you said, thinks the world of him. I know that he's not a great guy, but he's not that bad either. The guy looked after me, took care of me and always tried to make me feel good when we were together. I did feel loved and treasured. The whole thing started falling apart 1.5 yr into the relationship, when he realized that I was not going to move in. He felt like I was just feeding him lines about committing on that level and that I was afraid of my parents ( which is actually true). What do you guys think? Am I exalting him? I want to be fair no matter what. I know we are not getting back together, but I honestly don't think he was that bad of a guy. We just couldn't meet in the middle.
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 GeeGirl, Just read your post again after I typed mine. Sigh...You are right! I need to wake up. Seriously, going through this makes me think I am insane sometimes.
geegirl Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 GeeGirl, Just read your post again after I typed mine. Sigh...You are right! I need to wake up. Seriously, going through this makes me think I am insane sometimes. And the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
geegirl Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I cant send PMs geegirl and I need to ask you where you got your avatar from..? Sorry for THREAD stealing everyone Coupe, I believe while I was searching on Google for support during my break, I accidentally clicked on "Images" and saw it.
Mack05 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 GeeGirl, Just read your post again after I typed mine. Sigh...You are right! I need to wake up. Seriously, going through this makes me think I am insane sometimes. Yet I have no doubt in my mind you will make the same mistakes with this guy. If you go NC, I will make a cast iron promise to you...You will be saved months of heartbreak. By going NC you will take your power from him and back to you. I bet his ego won't hack it of you say u dont want to meet him and you go full NC. Ignore his attempts at meeting and reclaim your life back. I have a strong feeling you will follow your heart and make the mistake. Hope I am wrong..
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks, can I get my meds now?
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Well, Mack05, I did go NC for almost 3 months. Like I said, I was having a meltdown when I reached out. Honestly, I didn't feel all that powerful during those 3 months. I actually felt suicidal all week. I don't think I will make the same mistakes with him, only because he is with someone. That is a line I don't want to cross. I know that no matter what, I have to at least not hurt someone else. That's what's really preventing me from going backwards. Sadly, no other real reason.
Mack05 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 It will get better, if you stick to NC and focus on your healing...Take it from people that have been in your shoes and had all the same (what if's and how come questions). If you need to break NC, write your ex a letter you never send, post here, take a long walk, a long bath, hang with friends. Whatever it takes just don't break NC. I wish you well
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Thank you everyone. Let's hope I can be strong and stick to NC for the long haul this time.
geegirl Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Thank you everyone. Let's hope I can be strong and stick to NC for the long haul this time. Remember don't give in to your emotions. You can't think with your heart, it will stir you wrong. Give in again and you come back here with the same post and the same hurt. You either want to get to a place where you feel better about yourself or you stay stuck in a place that keeps you feeling hurt, disrespected and manipulated. You have a choice Still. It's not like this just happened. You have been through the mill and the signs are right there. If you want to give in to the lows, come here and post. Call your mother or friend. Ask the to talk you out of it. Take up a hobby and the moment you feel it, dive into it. Go for a walk. Hit the gym. Do something. Don't sit there and feed into a thought because it will grow like weeds. Step back and think and arrange your thoughts in your head when you feel it coming. Step back. Don't react. React and you fall off that cliff. Don't react and you don't even get to the edge. Remember that the situation will never change. Even if he came back, he'd most likely play you again. This is not temporary behavior for him. He is what he is. And he is showing you who he is.
Author stillhurt Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 I think I will just have to come back to this thread each time and look back at all the suggestions you guys have given me to draw strength. The ache in my heart is still present now. When I feel nothing is when I have succeeded.
Mack05 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I think I will just have to come back to this thread each time and look back at all the suggestions you guys have given me to draw strength. The ache in my heart is still present now. When I feel nothing is when I have succeeded. Still hurt, two books that really helped me move forward, after my last break up were (these will be on Amazon).. 1) How to break your addiction to a person 2) Getting past your breakup
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