Blocking everything is a fallacy

[confusedinkansas]

This brings to mind another thought. MMs and MWs are very determined when it comes to getting touch with their APs, but once they accomplish their goal, they slip into pull back mode. In a sense, it really shows that they really do not care for you as an individual and are only interested in keeping you around when the going gets tough in their life or when they become bored.

OMG I went back & read this - It's EXACTLY how my EXAP acted in the beginning. We'd go a month without any email etc. Then I'd get a little one liner - a little longer email next time. As soon as I replied, no matter how brief...............Poof! He was gone. Hilarious. I never looked at it the way you put it here - but It's SO SO true.

[Spark1111]

I 100% agree - I've always thought it's 'crazy' advice to Block Him Here - Block Him There Block Him Block Him Everywhere....OMG, quit your job, OMG MOVE from the city you're in, run for the hills......- Otherwise how will you ever move on with life :rolleyes: (hopefully you'll read the sarcasm here)

 

My EX - still (after 2 years of NC on my part) emails every now & then. I used to actually ask here in LS why someone would do that.....Now.....Just don't care anymore.

 

I'd like to think that IF you were totally into your XAP then they for sure know where you work, they know where you live, they know your favorite restaurants etc,etc,etc.

Are you supposed to just STOP living because of them?

NOPE! IF someone wants to contact you they'll find a way.

(& that's true in my case too) We've 'bumped into' each other at restaurants a few times along the last few years.

 

He's just a BURP in my everyday life if he comes around (email or otherwise) I don't really give it a second thought. AND - NO (like some in LS believe) I don't keep my email open Just Hoping & Praying that he'll want to see me again one day.........Ugh...how pathetic is that.

 

I understand that. But I think some are stronger than others in this regard.

 

Some people are an absolute emotional mess and devote countless hours, HELL YEARS, of heart space and head space to these people.

 

Life enters a standstill and they can hardly function waiting, waiting, waiting for someone else to decide their future happiness.

 

For THOSE people, they can't get off the rollercoaster without NC.

 

And I am not talking of OW/OM. This can apply to BSs too!

[Circular]

OMG I went back & read this - It's EXACTLY how my EXAP acted in the beginning. We'd go a month without any email etc. Then I'd get a little one liner - a little longer email next time. As soon as I replied, no matter how brief...............Poof! He was gone. Hilarious. I never looked at it the way you put it here - but It's SO SO true.

 

 

Yea, I have had a similar thing with xmw also. Matter of fact back in April I was thinking to myself I'd been NC for nearly six months or so. Then I went through my notes only to find the longest time period we'd truly been NC in the last year has been about 50 days. Similar thing though, she'll send a note that's something simple, a line or two, I'll respond, then hear nothing.... until the next spurious note. Last one I decided it was time to just ignore them from here on out. Maybe she'll figure it out this time.

[MissBee]

Yea, I have had a similar thing with xmw also. Matter of fact back in April I was thinking to myself I'd been NC for nearly six months or so. Then I went through my notes only to find the longest time period we'd truly been NC in the last year has been about 50 days. Similar thing though, she'll send a note that's something simple, a line or two, I'll respond, then hear nothing.... until the next spurious note. Last one I decided it was time to just ignore them from here on out. Maybe she'll figure it out this time.

 

Ahh...I know that jig all too well. It is so frustrating, confusing and can send you on the crazy train until you become wise to it! My exAP would do this all the time, but I haven't heard from him in a while. It didn't bother me much, because I was not emotionally invested in him but it was very annoying that he would send me emails (one liners or lengthy ones) and when I gave the courtesy of a response, he would say nothing back until some months later when he sent a new one! Now, I don't reply or reply with a one liner myself. The difference for me is that I am indifferent towards him so I can reply or not reply without it ruining my day or without giving it a second thought...but if you're still attached to this person then such dalliances can really upset you as you wait for a reply, feel rejected if none if forthcoming, get your hopes up to have them dashed and then sit around worrying and wondering why they would do that.

Edited September 13, 2011 by MissBee

[Gentlegirl]

When you can block the xAP from your mind... you've got it nailed!

 

Putting distance and time between APs is a desirable move, until those feelings of attachment and craving subside.

 

Sometimes, I look at xMM.s photo... 9 months ago it would have upset me terribly. Now I just think.... "did I really have a relationship with you for 3 years. Wonder what I'd say to you if I saw you now?"

 

Maybe that is moving towards indifference, but I'm not there yet.

 

I know when I look at that photo and toss it inot the rubbish, I'll be there.

 

Gentlegirl

[fooled once]

Interesting comparision. If you know anything about addiction recovery, you would know that it is highly advised that addicts stay away from temptations, especially early in their recovery until they develop the skills to cope with the temptation. So while yes, coping comes within, most people recovering from any addiction do not have those skills early on.

 

The situation you referred to in the other thread is a perfect example. She did not have the skills to cope with the contact, and responded. Had she had FB blocked, the temptation would have been lessened, as it would have been harder for him to contact her.

 

agree

 

What's the percentage of addicts who relapse because they went back to they way things were with no change? Extraordinarly high.

 

What's the percentage of OW/OM who break NC because the AP contacted them through an unblocked medium? Extraordinarily high.

 

The point is, if you are committed to recovery, you wouldn't want to expose yourself to that kind of risk- at least not in the beginning. And later on, why would you want the annoyance? Just a little ago boost to know they are still thinking about you? If you (general you) are truly done, why would you care?

 

We all know we can't control the actions of others, only ourselves. Not blocking them leaves the power in their hands, as it leaves the avenue open, and leaves you to be reactive as opposed to proactive. Blocking them puts the power back into yours, as it closes off the usual avenues.

 

agree

 

I understand that. But I think some are stronger than others in this regard.

 

Some people are an absolute emotional mess and devote countless hours, HELL YEARS, of heart space and head space to these people.

 

Life enters a standstill and they can hardly function waiting, waiting, waiting for someone else to decide their future happiness.

 

For THOSE people, they can't get off the rollercoaster without NC.

 

And I am not talking of OW/OM. This can apply to BSs too!

 

agree

[Severely Unamused]

When you can block the xAP from your mind... you've got it nailed!

 

Well said.

 

NC isn't about the physical aspect of blocking a partner out of your lives (FB, phone numbers,email...), it's about the emotional aspect.

 

And many people can't remove somebody from their lives on an emotional level without blocking them on a physical level first. If NC works, more power to them.

 

Like Spark said....

 

I understand that. But I think some are stronger than others in this regard.

[Gentlegirl]

Well said.

 

NC isn't about the physical aspect of blocking a partner out of your lives (FB, phone numbers,email...), it's about the emotional aspect.

 

And many people can't remove somebody from their lives on an emotional level without blocking them on a physical level first. If NC works, more power to them.

 

Like Spark said....

 

NC is essential to gain persective and distance . It's different to blocking everything , changing jobs, moving house etc.

 

Of course that might be necessary too.

 

GG

[betterdeal]

It all depends on the person you're dealing with and what kind of person you are. If she's, for example, a mercurial nymph who calls you at 2am on a work day cos she's drunk and horny, and whose capricious whims swing from total adulation to furious anger in the blink of an eye, it's just easier to start afresh.

[confusedinkansas]

Just more thoughts on this. I think the new problems of NC are created by technology. People WITH PERSONALITY PROBLEMS WHO DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER have an "easy" way to keep in touch which costs them nothing, just a text or email every now and then.I also have had the experience of replying now and again - and then the man disappearing for weeks before sending another one out of the blue, for no reason, as he is NOT interested in a relationship. Its just a form of narcissist dipping/supply for them. Now I don't reply at all and hope that will stop it completely.What is the answer? It does depend. In the above annoying scenario I would probably think about changing my phone or changing email if necessary, ultimately, but I like using "FADE AWAY" too, e.g. just ignoring, especially if the man has A PERSONALITY DISORDER. I would consider blocking but only in certain circumstances, when it felt right and not aggravate him to find other or new ways to keep in contact. Whatever you do, it has to feel right for you. Interesting thread, some good ideas here.

 

I believe there is a reason - Perhaps personality disorder. Who knows.

 

My theory - Well, they had a bad day. They had a fight with their current significant other. They drove by a familiar place & thought of you....yadda yadda yadda

 

Right - Wrong - or Indifferent I think this is what happens.

 

When they do think of you - they can't help themselves to shoot out an email or text (however they're used to communicating) HOPING to just hear back. You can ignore all you want - I've done it for quite sometime. They still come back. WEIRD ISN'T IT.

One poster here said he ignores his - & "she'll go away".....I think that once someone has YOU under their skin they never go away. They just disappear for a while & pop back in - kind of like a ghost haunting:lmao:

[wannabdone]

After reading the posts, I understand why everyone thinks what they think. And I think this falls into what I call at work VBR (varies by region), meaning nothing in life can be b/w, most everything is a grey area. And it really goes down to what works for that particular person. Maybe deleting the xmm or xmw emails is what they should do, maybe they are spending hours on end reading them and it is keeping them in "that spot", that isn't good. Or maybe keeping them helps you, maybe reading the emails pisses you off. Maybe blocking them from emails and communications makes you feel like you are stopping the maddness, and maybe not blocking them makes you feel like you are stronger. But, I think for each person it is what helps them and what they think.

 

For me, many years ago I blocked everything, he found his ways of getting to me. So, I decided to not block anything, because if he wanted to speak to me, he would. I had to want it, I had to have "my belly full" of his bs and lies. For me keeping him unblocked makes me feel stronger. But, that is just where I am at my point in life and what helps me with healing. Knowing that I ultimately have the power over myself and my life makes me feel good. I haven't deleted him out of my phone....it makes me for some reason feel strong that I know its in there and I chose to not contact him. That this whole NC thing, even though really started on purpose by him, is ultimately my decision. I know I could pick up the phone and call him until he answers, I know I could email him multiple times or drive by his work until he comes out and either guilt him or maybe not even guilt him, (maybe he has settled the dust and is ready to see me again), to see me. I know I could some how get him to be with me in the capacity of what we had before. But I don't want that. Although I love him, I am unwilling to be a tool used in a story full of lies and deception. I am in all other parts of my life and upstanding, and honest invidiviual, and I will no longer be involved in this sick and twisted love triange. Its wrong, I know its wrong, it goes agaisnt every moral code I have, its wrong for me as far as I am accepting something far less than what I deserve. So, for some reason in my healing, it works for me to know I hold the key to it all. I'm saying if or if not. And right now i'm saying and holding firm to if not.

 

Now, i'm not fooling myself. I know how I feel, and I know I have bad days, where I can't stand it because i miss him so bad and just want to hear his voice. But, I really am sick and tired of this rollercoaster, and I just decide to get the f off of it.

 

Different strokes for different folks I guess. As long as what you are doing, works for you.... get on it!!!

[NoIDidn't]

I think Block or not Block is up to the individual and the situation.

 

I changed my number when I was being harassed by my ex and we embarked on a temporary rekindling seven years ago. I didn't change my email, my home phone number, or my address (all of which he had). I just got rid of his ability to send me annoying text messages and phone calls. He got the hint.

 

I think when an OP is told to Block communication its because they make a big deal about the communication they are getting as if it is SOOOOOO unwanted. If its that unwanted, the common sense thing to do IS to block that unwanted communication.

 

Its not that complicated. I'm being to think that some report the unwanted contact to prove they were loved and wanted and that their AP/MP/whatever just can't get over them. If someone is reporting over and over that they have to deal with unwanted contact and they can't come up with "don't answer the phone/email/text/etc", then they are usually advised to block things at that point.

 

I've yet to see "Block Everything" as the first piece of advice to ending an A.

 

(BTW, I agree with the gist of the OP. I don't think Blocking will make a bit of difference when your heart and mind aren't in it)

[wannabdone]

I think Block or not Block is up to the individual and the situation.

 

I changed my number when I was being harassed by my ex and we embarked on a temporary rekindling seven years ago. I didn't change my email, my home phone number, or my address (all of which he had). I just got rid of his ability to send me annoying text messages and phone calls. He got the hint.

 

I think when an OP is told to Block communication its because they make a big deal about the communication they are getting as if it is SOOOOOO unwanted. If its that unwanted, the common sense thing to do IS to block that unwanted communication.

 

Its not that complicated. I'm being to think that some report the unwanted contact to prove they were loved and wanted and that their AP/MP/whatever just can't get over them. If someone is reporting over and over that they have to deal with unwanted contact and they can't come up with "don't answer the phone/email/text/etc", then they are usually advised to block things at that point.

 

I've yet to see "Block Everything" as the first piece of advice to ending an A.

 

(BTW, I agree with the gist of the OP. I don't think Blocking will make a bit of difference when your heart and mind aren't in it)

 

 

That should have been the name of the thread.... "to block or not to block"....

[wannabdone]

NC isn't the answer, it is a tool...a useful tool when you're ready for it.

 

If you make the efforts to block someone's contact, and they send emails that remain unanswered, messages that go unreturned, and you have told them that you want NC, you'd think they'd get it. Actually, they do get it, but they are still thinking of themselves and what THEY want. They're still showing no respect for you or your needs.

 

So my thinking is that if you take the steps to block and they work around it and contact you anyway, anger should be enough of a motivator to either not respond or tell them to get lost. I've always said a MP honoring NC is a gift.

 

If that doesn't make you angry, and you somehow find it endearing that he'd go make such great efforts to contact you, then you weren't really ready for NC anyway. Not to be mean, just that it won't work until you are ready to be done with it all. Going NC for any reason other than for yourself, because you want it, is futile.

 

 

THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT!!!!

 

But who is really READY for NC? I mean the head, yes. But the heart, No. Don't you think?

[mzdolphin]

I agree with you on this one SBC. Blocking everything isn't the answer. Ending the relationship is the answer. When there isn't a response to the email, text or phone call, there isn't any reason to continue to try to contact you. I think you have to be firm in your own mind that you want it to be over. It's great to communicate that to your AP, but you need to put action with your words. (ironic, right?)

 

I understand the benefits of blocking everything but I learned last night that they can be pretty sneaky when they want to be. I got fed up and wasn't answering the phone, emails or texts from the xMM but he figured out a way around that. He called from a different number and I answered the phone. Since I've made up my mind that I'm not putting up with his drama anymore, it was a fairly quick conversation.

 

Blocking everything allows you some breathing room until you're stronger. Of course the person can still call, email, use a work email address, etc. But seeing his or her phone number in your phone directory, seeing the email pop up in your box or a text can trigger emotions you may not be ready to deal with.

 

I went NC for almost a year before and was seeing someone else, actually with my new guy at Christmas and I get this email from exMM saying his brother died (the second brother to die in two years). Of course that tugged at my heart and we started talking via email first, then via phone calls. Had I not seen that email I would have never responded. So blocking does help.

[MissBee]

[/b]

 

 

THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT!!!!

 

But who is really READY for NC? I mean the head, yes. But the heart, No. Don't you think?

 

Most people are never ready for NC when they get to LS or even in real life when the idea comes about. I can't think of one person IRL or from my earlier days at LS, where I was at the Breaks & Breaking Up section who heard NC, embraced it and did it and never looked back. Pretty much everyone is still hopeful, still trying to salvage the situation, still hoping to reconcile, wanting a second chance, wanting to reverse what happened, looking for some sign that their situation will have a positive outcome, the attachment is still going strong etc.

 

I didn't appreciate those who scolded people for breaking NC, as I felt it was unrealistic to expect people to apply it once and for all and that was that. It's a process. You start with your head and then eventually you get to a point where your heart really has had enough and you become resolved once and for all. Usually, or from my experience, it takes some back and forth between periods of NC, breaking it, seeing nothing is different and feeling badly---and doing this dance a couple times---before you are convinced and fed up and feel resolved to slam the doors on this person/relationship and run the other way.

[Gentlegirl]

[/b]

 

 

THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT!!!!

 

But who is really READY for NC? I mean the head, yes. But the heart, No. Don't you think?

 

I knew in my head that I had to get away from this mongrel somehow. He kept up the contact for 8 weeks after his Dday.....just said he couldn't let go.

I finally sent him an email saying he should have the good grace to let me alone and stop hurting me because that's all he could do. He concurred with what I had said although neither one of us watned NC.

 

That was it! He finally stopped contacting me with the Oh Poor Woe is Me I'm in BIG TROUBLE stories.

 

I wasn't ready and it's been a long, long journey with lots of hiccups for me along the way.

 

Still not there by any means but feel a lot more normal now.

 

There has to be a starting point to the end.

 

Gentlegirl.

[wannabdone]

I knew in my head that I had to get away from this mongrel somehow. He kept up the contact for 8 weeks after his Dday.....just said he couldn't let go.

I finally sent him an email saying he should have the good grace to let me alone and stop hurting me because that's all he could do. He concurred with what I had said although neither one of us watned NC.

 

That was it! He finally stopped contacting me with the Oh Poor Woe is Me I'm in BIG TROUBLE stories.

 

I wasn't ready and it's been a long, long journey with lots of hiccups for me along the way.

 

Still not there by any means but feel a lot more normal now.

 

There has to be a starting point to the end.

 

Gentlegirl.

 

 

Absolutely!!! No one is "ready" to get rid of someone they love and had wished for a long time that they could be with. However, we all get to the point when NC is started that we all want to get rid of the hurt and pain. When hurt and pain end up being < having the person you love around that = NC. And thats what makes the GD thing so hard. You still love them, but you hate the actions.

 

The way I've been looking at NC is this way. If I wanted to get back what we had, I could. But I don't want to have that pain any more. And the worst thing that can happen with NC? I find peace. Who knows maybe he realizes through this he can't live without me and i'm finally gone, probably not, but maybe...but even if not.... I've got that wonderful thing PEACE!!!!!

 

I think its imperative, as I've learned this week, even if you block or don't block, be prepared for anything. If he really wants to get ahold of you, he will whether it be coming to your work, you HOUSE (that would be me), calling you from another phone, sending you an email from a new email address.... just prepared for any of these. wrap your mind around they could do this, and what would you do or say. If you don't and you get caught off guard, you could say something or do something that could be detremental to your recovery. This really is like war, a war to get your life back and peace to it, and you need to guard yourself and prepare yourself for anything. If blocking makes you feel better, by all means. If he feels like he is deeply in love with you, he might go around it...prepare yourself for that. What my momma also told me "hope for the best, prepare for the worst"