Blocking everything is a fallacy

[SBC]

I have seen this repeatedly here on LS. You must block all avenues for him to contact you. Block him here and block him there. But I disagree that this is what is ultimately going to make the difference. [DISCLAIMER: THIS IS TRUE FOR ME AND I AM LOOKING TO SEE IF OTHERS AGREE OR NOT]

 

For one, I cannot block his email. I can redirect it straight to trash, but block it? Nope, unless I completely dump my email addy, and start over, I cannot block it. And I am not willing to do this, because once again, it is allowing HIM to make ME move.

 

I suggest that the change has to come from within. One has to be so convicted that this person has no place in your life because your life is so good otherwise, that any attempts for them to contact you are akin to getting an unsolicited sales call. Annoying maybe, but otherwise unworthy of attention or reaction.

 

Agree, or disagree?

Edited September 13, 2011 by SBC

[wannabdone]

TOO FUNNY!!! I sware to God I just finished typing a post that said that same thing. Where someone was telling someone that b/c they hadn't blocked xMM they were "leaving the door open". I highly disagree with that. What I had said was....you can blocked them from email, fb, whatever...it makes no difference. They can just as easily create and new account and keep creating accounts that aren't. So, I stopped blocking everything. Because at the end of the day ....IT HAS TO BE THAT DECIDES THIS IS OVER.

 

Its like alchoholics, there is still temptations out there. Are we going to close down every bar and force restraunts to stop serving beer and wine and adult bev just because there are people with drinking problems? NO. They have to learn to cope with an environment that has the temptations in them. We have to learn to cope with an enivronment that has men out there who we love, for what ever reasons, and gave them our all. We have to accept we don't want this and we have to move on.

 

Blocking does absolutely NO good. It makes zero sense to me. It seems to be used as a very b/w term. Kind of like when ppl come on here and say we knew what we were getting into, so we should not be sad, or resentful, etc. etc. Bull crap. That b/w view does not work anywhere, and it damn sure doesn't work with matters of the heart.

 

The change has to come from within.....just like with anything else.

[jthorne]

 

Its like alchoholics, there is still temptations out there. Are we going to close down every bar and force restraunts to stop serving beer and wine and adult bev just because there are people with drinking problems? NO. They have to learn to cope with an environment that has the temptations in them. We have to learn to cope with an enivronment that has men out there who we love, for what ever reasons, and gave them our all. We have to accept we don't want this and we have to move on.

Interesting comparision. If you know anything about addiction recovery, you would know that it is highly advised that addicts stay away from temptations, especially early in their recovery until they develop the skills to cope with the temptation. So while yes, coping comes within, most people recovering from any addiction do not have those skills early on.

 

The situation you referred to in the other thread is a perfect example. She did not have the skills to cope with the contact, and responded. Had she had FB blocked, the temptation would have been lessened, as it would have been harder for him to contact her.

[jj33]

I have seen this repeatedly here on LS. You must block all avenues for him to contact you. Block him here and block him there. But I disagree that this is what is ultimately going to make the difference. [DISCLAIMER: THIS IS TRUE FOR ME AND I AM LOOKING TO SEE IF OTHERS AGREE OR NOT]

 

For one, I cannot block his email. I can redirect it straight to trash, but block it? Nope, unless I completely dump my email addy, and start over, I cannot block it. And I am not willing to do this, because once again, it is allowing HIM to make ME move.

 

I suggest that the change has to come from within. One has to be so convicted that this person has no place in your life because your life is so good otherwise, that any attempts for them to contact you are akin to getting an unsolicited sales call. Annoying maybe, but otherwise unworthy of attention or reaction.

 

Agree, or disagree?

 

Why would you block it? In your situation I dont think that would make any sense. Its not like he totally disrepected you and you never want to hear from him again. You just want to stand back and let him get on with what hes doing

[SBC]

Interesting comparision. If you know anything about addiction recovery, you would know that it is highly advised that addicts stay away from temptations, especially early in their recovery until they develop the skills to cope with the temptation. So while yes, coping comes within, most people recovering from any addiction do not have those skills early on.

 

The situation you referred to in the other thread is a perfect example. She did not have the skills to cope with the contact, and responded. Had she had FB blocked, the temptation would have been lessened, as it would have been harder for him to contact her.

 

So, it is a recovery timing thing. I get that and it makes sense.

 

I do believe that TT though DID have the skills to cope with the contact.

 

She said no. and though it made her upset, but she did not back down and she made him go away.

 

Next time instead of saying no, she may shout NO!.

 

I believe we all doomed to repeat patterns in our lives until we see the patterns and then can start to avoid them.

[wannabdone]

Interesting comparision. If you know anything about addiction recovery, you would know that it is highly advised that addicts stay away from temptations, especially early in their recovery until they develop the skills to cope with the temptation. So while yes, coping comes within, most people recovering from any addiction do not have those skills early on.

 

The situation you referred to in the other thread is a perfect example. She did not have the skills to cope with the contact, and responded. Had she had FB blocked, the temptation would have been lessened, as it would have been harder for him to contact her.

 

 

I actually do know quite a bit about addictions, and yes I know that we have to keep ourselves away from those thins early in recoverly. With a case of OW/OM that is called NC. But just as an addict doesn't go to bars, or hang out with ppl that are drinking, there are things that pop up from time to time. Unless he or she is living in a rehab. I was saying she can block whatever she wants, but this doesn't eliminate that there are other avenues xMM can go around to get in contact with her. And she has to be prepared for that. Just as an addict has to be prepared for something popping up even when they are trying to fly straight. Its not hard at all to create another FB or email account. Takes about 5 minutes. So, I just don't see that blocking, although it might be helpful for that individuals healing, will actually do any good if someone is determined to contact them.

 

Unfortunately for OW/OM, we don't have a rehab facility that we can go to, and be able to stay away from all of the outside influences (aka xMM or xMW)..... If there were those around every where like rehabs, and we could actually maintain our jobs while going there, such as addicts, we would probably all be better off.

[SBC]

Why would you block it? In your situation I dont think that would make any sense. Its not like he totally disrepected you and you never want to hear from him again. You just want to stand back and let him get on with what hes doing

 

I dunno, I think he disrespected me. He is eating cake, and he would have liked to continue to eat cake at my expense. I am starting to see that is disrespect.

 

I can be an enabler. I tend to enable those that I love if I am not careful. I want to help him figure out what he is doing. So, it is hard for me not to respond, which is why I might consider blocking him. But, I figure, hey, his sh*t is his problem. And if he can't figure it out, oh well.

[So Very Confused]

I agree with you on this one SBC. Blocking everything isn't the answer. Ending the relationship is the answer. When there isn't a response to the email, text or phone call, there isn't any reason to continue to try to contact you. I think you have to be firm in your own mind that you want it to be over. It's great to communicate that to your AP, but you need to put action with your words. (ironic, right?)

 

I understand the benefits of blocking everything but I learned last night that they can be pretty sneaky when they want to be. I got fed up and wasn't answering the phone, emails or texts from the xMM but he figured out a way around that. He called from a different number and I answered the phone. Since I've made up my mind that I'm not putting up with his drama anymore, it was a fairly quick conversation.

Edited September 13, 2011 by So Very Confused

[MissBee]

Interesting comparision. If you know anything about addiction recovery, you would know that it is highly advised that addicts stay away from temptations, especially early in their recovery until they develop the skills to cope with the temptation. So while yes, coping comes within, most people recovering from any addiction do not have those skills early on.

 

The situation you referred to in the other thread is a perfect example. She did not have the skills to cope with the contact, and responded. Had she had FB blocked, the temptation would have been lessened, as it would have been harder for him to contact her.

 

Agreed.

 

Eventually, with the passing of time, one gets to a "natural" point where one naturally doesn't care anymore; however, no one is at that point on day one and not even day 50 many times and most everyone on day one feels NC is too harsh, ridic, they can't do it or best yet, they can only do it "a little". I sure felt that way.

 

I didn't block my ex from everything but I did set stuff up to where I was not making it easy for me to contact him. It took well over a year for it to become "natural" and 2 years for it to be such that he could climb the highest mountain to contact me, I still wouldn't care.

 

NC is for getting over someone and not dragging out that process. The short of it is, MOST people aren't ready to let go when NC is discussed, so are highly resistant to it. That's just what it is. I have been there myself and can't fault people for feeling that way. However, I tell them to give it some time and see how they feel as time unfolds and perspective is gained.

 

It would be nice if doing the right thing was easy and felt good but unfortunately a lot of times it doesn't! A lot of times the best thing feels the hardest and like the worst, most unnatural thing to do. It feels very uncomfortable often and your mind tells you that it can't make sense since it feels so unnatural and difficult....but it's like working out...if you're out of shape, the first few times will feel like you're killing yourself and you're better off laying on the couch, and the next day your muscles will be sore, but as you continue, your body starts to get stronger, working out starts to be energizing and you get healthier.

 

I also don't fault people for breaking NC....I think with each break of NC you learn something new and realize the situation has improved, gotten worst or is the same ol' same ol' and if you break it 500 times and it is still the same, then eventually you'll get to a natural resolution.

[jthorne]

What's the percentage of addicts who relapse because they went back to they way things were with no change? Extraordinarly high.

 

What's the percentage of OW/OM who break NC because the AP contacted them through an unblocked medium? Extraordinarily high.

 

The point is, if you are committed to recovery, you wouldn't want to expose yourself to that kind of risk- at least not in the beginning. And later on, why would you want the annoyance? Just a little ago boost to know they are still thinking about you? If you (general you) are truly done, why would you care?

 

We all know we can't control the actions of others, only ourselves. Not blocking them leaves the power in their hands, as it leaves the avenue open, and leaves you to be reactive as opposed to proactive. Blocking them puts the power back into yours, as it closes off the usual avenues.

[SBC]

 

I also don't fault people for breaking NC....I think with each break of NC you learn something new and realize the situation has improved, gotten worst or is the same ol' same ol' and if you break it 500 times and it is still the same, then eventually you'll get to a natural resolution.

 

This is what it came down to for me. I became so exasperated that it never improved that I finally said, enough.

 

I think if I would have blocked him, I would never have reached this natural conclusion.

[SBC]

and like recovery from an affair, recovering from an addiction to alcohol is more than just about avoidance. It is about finding something in your life that is more valuable than the drink.

[TurningTables]

What's the percentage of addicts who relapse because they went back to they way things were with no change? Extraordinarly high.

 

What's the percentage of OW/OM who break NC because the AP contacted them through an unblocked medium? Extraordinarily high.

 

The point is, if you are committed to recovery, you wouldn't want to expose yourself to that kind of risk- at least not in the beginning. And later on, why would you want the annoyance? Just a little ago boost to know they are still thinking about you? If you (general you) are truly done, why would you care?

 

We all know we can't control the actions of others, only ourselves. Not blocking them leaves the power in their hands, as it leaves the avenue open, and leaves you to be reactive as opposed to proactive. Blocking them puts the power back into yours, as it closes off the usual avenues.

 

 

Hiya Jthorne. I wanted to respond to your post in the other thread, and then I saw this one, so I figured here was just as good. I did in the beginning block xMM and his wife from FB, skype, etc. My FB was put on lockdown for a long long time. Then, someone put it to my attention that he was posting on the posts that I would comment on. We have tons of mutual friends and it was getting stupid. So, I unblocked him. I also wanted to test myself to see how Id do seeing him and his wife posting to mutual friends..etc. I thought I was ready.

 

I was really pissed off last night. Ive been in NC for almost 7 weeks and Im so much stronger now. Im not putting up with these games that he started to play as of June. No more rollar coaster ride for me. I dont need his friendship or him anymore and I told him that as I gave him a piece of my mind. He did write back to me, telling me that Ive got it wrong about him throwing me under the bus on Dday..etc..etc. I dont think can he stand the fact that Ive moved on and dont want him. I hope that his ego has taken a great big nose dive.

 

I cried and got upset because his used to be my best friend before all this crap started. I think Im mourning the loss of the friendship more than anything. I felt victory last night because for the first time I felt in control of the situation!! I had gathered my stuff together and Ive grown!! I was proud of myself. He isnt going to hurt me again and that is a promise.

[MissBee]

If you are ready, I think blocking can be an effective tool. It helps you get off the crazy train and the less noise you hear, the easier it is. It is not a fix all, nor is it possible (most of the time) to completely block everything but a person can close down the usual avenues if they want to get some space, to have some respite and get clear headed.

 

Yes!

 

I think the problem sometimes is convincing ourselves that we can handle this person "a little"....and thus we get nowehere, when what we often need is that respite to get clear headed which most often doesn't include them and that's where closing down certain avenues comes in handy. It's like when I want some me-time, I turn off my phone and go to some place where I have no phone or internet and no one can reach me. Taking my phone and lap top then saying I want quiet time usually leads to me having quiet time then in between I'm trying to answer a call/text/email which is counterproductive....

[spice4life]

I have seen this repeatedly here on LS. You must block all avenues for him to contact you. Block him here and block him there. But I disagree that this is what is ultimately going to make the difference. [DISCLAIMER: THIS IS TRUE FOR ME AND I AM LOOKING TO SEE IF OTHERS AGREE OR NOT]

 

For one, I cannot block his email. I can redirect it straight to trash, but block it? Nope, unless I completely dump my email addy, and start over, I cannot block it. And I am not willing to do this, because once again, it is allowing HIM to make ME move.

 

I suggest that the change has to come from within. One has to be so convicted that this person has no place in your life because your life is so good otherwise, that any attempts for them to contact you are akin to getting an unsolicited sales call. Annoying maybe, but otherwise unworthy of attention or reaction.

 

Agree, or disagree?

 

I agree that is the case once you get to indifference. The attempts become nothing more than a nuisance. But, when you still have an emotional attachment when the A ends (which is the case more often than not), knowing that there is a little "loop hole" like the junk mail bin, you remain vulnerable to falling back ino the A. BTDT.

 

Completely blocking all avenues is more for "you" and your peace of mind during the healing process. In other words, it's a space thing. It insulates you while you're healing and journeying through to the other side...indifference.

 

This brings to mind another thought. MMs and MWs are very determined when it comes to getting touch with their APs, but once they accomplish their goal, they slip into pull back mode. In a sense, it really shows that they really do not care for you as an individual and are only interested in keeping you around when the going gets tough in their life or when they become bored. If you think about it, their coping skills are a bit faulty. One of the biggest lessons this A taught me is that a relationship does not stand a chance when one of the partners has a safety net. In order for someone to truly know and understand their partner, they must get rid of the safety net. If they don't, when they hit a rough patchs in the relationship they will, most likely, judge their partner more harshly. The message, "I don't have to put up with that because I have this" is constantly playing like a tape in the back of their mind. There is no room for growth in a relationship if that is the case. The partner who is on the receiving end of this will become resentful and that sets the stage for a whole other dynamic. Then, round and round you go until someone finally gets tired and exits the ride.

Edited September 13, 2011 by spice4life

[MissBee]

I agree that is the case once you get to indifference. The attempts become nothing more than a nuisance. But, when you still have an emotional attachment when the A ends (which is the case more often than not), knowing that there is a little "loop hole" like the junk mail bin, you remain vulnerable to falling back ino the A. BTDT.

 

Completely blocking all avenues is more for "you" and your peace of mind during the healing process. In other words, it's a space thing. It insulates you while you're healing and journeying through to the other side...indifference.

 

This brings to mind another thought. MMs and MWs are very determined when it comes to getting touch with their APs, but once they accomplish their goal, they slip into pull back mode. In a sense, it really shows that they really do not care for you as an individual and are only interested in keeping you around when the going gets tough in their life or when they become bored. If you think about it, their coping skills are a bit faulty. One of the biggest lessons this A taught me is that a relationship does not stand a chance when one of the partners has a safety net. In order for someone to truly know and understand their partner, they must get rid of the safety net. If they don't, when they hit a rough patchs in the relationship they will, most likely, judge their partner more harshly. The message, "I don't have to put up with that because I have this" is constantly playing like a tape in the back of their mind. There is no room for growth in a relationship if that is the case. The partner who is on the receiving end of this will become resentful and that sets the stage for a whole other dynamic. Then, round and round you go until someone finally gets tired and exits the ride.

 

Sooo very true!

 

I think that most As, especially those where one person is single and the other is married, are naturally imbalanced and an imbalanced relationship can never be as satisfying and sustainable longterm as one that is balanced.

 

Relationships where one "loves" the other more, one has "more to lose" and such are not good relationships IMO and I have spent a great amount of time, due to my own fears and insecurities, trying to make sure I was the one who was loved more and that I didn't get attached first and all these defense mechanisms that made me blocked off to a certain wholeness. Real, sustainable, loving relationships are built on both people's honesty and vulnerability to love and be loved and to get hurt....and some OW claim that for the A to be good you have to have all these safety nets and make sure that pretty much, you're never too vulnerable. BTDT with non-As as well and it all left me feeling very dissatisfied like there is NO WAY this could be the ultimate and I don't want to be in another imbalanced relationship where he is trying to protect himself or I am and so we both give a little but never fully, always looking to make sure the exit is near or that we can abandon ship before this person with the upper hand rejects us first.

[spice4life]

Sooo very true!

 

I think that most As, especially those where one person is single and the other is married, are naturally imbalanced and an imbalanced relationship can never be as satisfying and sustainable longterm as one that is balanced.

 

Relationships where one "loves" the other more, one has "more to lose" and such are not good relationships IMO and I have spent a great amount of time, due to my own fears and insecurities, trying to make sure I was the one who was loved more and that I didn't get attached first and all these defense mechanisms that made me blocked off to a certain wholeness. Real, sustainable, loving relationships are built on both people's honesty and vulnerability to love and be loved and to get hurt....and some OW claim that for the A to be good you have to have all these safety nets and make sure that pretty much, you're never too vulnerable. BTDT with non-As as well and it all left me feeling very dissatisfied like there is NO WAY this could be the ultimate and I don't want to be in another imbalanced relationship where he is trying to protect himself or I am and so we both give a little but never fully, always looking to make sure the exit is near or that we can abandon ship before this person with the upper hand rejects us first.

 

I couldn't agree more! I'm right there with on that one. Imbalance in a relationship blocks you from fully giving and receiving love. That's no fun! I have found that being vulnerable and giving and receiving love is soooo much more exciting than the I have to protect myself motif.

[MissBee]

I couldn't agree more! I'm right there with on that one. Imbalance in a relationship blocks you from fully giving and receiving love. That's no fun! I have found that being vulnerable and giving and receiving love is soooo much more exciting than the I have to protect myself motif.

 

It is!

 

I have done the whole being an alert-guard, at-the-ready in case it seemed like I was going to get hurt in some relationship that I KNEW was imbalanced...however, I have given that up. It is very tiring and I always say that: for my long-term partner, I want the same level of comfort, vulnerability and peace I have with my bestfriend. We've been betsfriends for 11 years and know the ins and outs of each other's life, we share together, there is no holding back or fear that if we say too much, do too much, etc the friendship will dismantle. There is no strategic planning or guarding ourselves and the power struggles that inevitably occur within imbalanced dynamics (there are even some friendships in which people do feel that same type of unease that this person will betray them and so forth so the "friendship" includes lots of strategizing and having an appearance of closeness but an underlying distrust), just a quiet comfort of knowing that this person knows and understands me and we are separate individuals but equals in our relationship and she has my best interest at heart and I hers. I want that peace and surety in a long term romantic partner, versus trying to build a relationship upon turbulent seas, always ready to jump overboard before it sinks.

Edited September 13, 2011 by MissBee

[Spark1111]

I think NC is a protection for both a BS and an OW/OM until you find the courage and resolve to make a decision that is good for you!

 

You do gain clarity when you remove your emotions for a while from a volatile situation. It is almost impossible to do that inititally. You cannot be impartial and observant and reflective in the heat of churning emotions unless you are a robot.

 

That takes TIME, and to gain time, NC is a protection until you can make a decision and find the courage to enforce it.

 

What is wrong with that? Nothing, IMO.

 

Look HOW MANY take a few steps back, whether they be weeks or months, and begin to question: "What am I doing here? Is this really healthy for me?"

 

Yes, very similiar to a newly detoxing drug addict.

[Confused4Now]

TOO FUNNY!!! I sware to God I just finished typing a post that said that same thing. Where someone was telling someone that b/c they hadn't blocked xMM they were "leaving the door open". I highly disagree with that. What I had said was....you can blocked them from email, fb, whatever...it makes no difference. They can just as easily create and new account and keep creating accounts that aren't. So, I stopped blocking everything. Because at the end of the day ....IT HAS TO BE THAT DECIDES THIS IS OVER.

 

Its like alchoholics, there is still temptations out there. Are we going to close down every bar and force restraunts to stop serving beer and wine and adult bev just because there are people with drinking problems? NO. They have to learn to cope with an environment that has the temptations in them. We have to learn to cope with an enivronment that has men out there who we love, for what ever reasons, and gave them our all. We have to accept we don't want this and we have to move on.

 

Blocking does absolutely NO good. It makes zero sense to me. It seems to be used as a very b/w term. Kind of like when ppl come on here and say we knew what we were getting into, so we should not be sad, or resentful, etc. etc. Bull crap. That b/w view does not work anywhere, and it damn sure doesn't work with matters of the heart.

 

The change has to come from within.....just like with anything else.

I'm in total agreement with this!!! For me I did all the things to block the person. blocked emails, turned off Facebook, paid for a service to block numbers, eventually changed a cell number which I had for 10 years!!! I'm so pissed I did that too!!! So what it comes down to is if your ready to stop the nonsense and quit the drama. I was able to go NC for the last 6 months cause I was ready!!! It doesn't matter if she tries to contact I won't respond.

 

Yeah and I do get the whole addiction thing cause I lived it. However when I was ready it didn't/doesn't matter if she reaches out. I'm DONE!!!

[betterdeal]

I found it quite liberating, first switching my phone off at night, then changing my number. I'm actually thinking of doing it annually now.

[SBC]

I think NC is a protection for both a BS and an OW/OM until you find the courage and resolve to make a decision that is good for you!

 

You do gain clarity when you remove your emotions for a while from a volatile situation. It is almost impossible to do that inititally. You cannot be impartial and observant and reflective in the heat of churning emotions unless you are a robot.

 

That takes TIME, and to gain time, NC is a protection until you can make a decision and find the courage to enforce it.

 

What is wrong with that? Nothing, IMO.

 

Look HOW MANY take a few steps back, whether they be weeks or months, and begin to question: "What am I doing here? Is this really healthy for me?"

 

Yes, very similar to a newly detoxing drug addict.

 

NC is weird. First off, let me say that I believe I really am at the point of indifference. I really don't care if he never leaves, because I know now that I will be OK, with or without him. And I know I just went NC within the last two weeks, but it is different this time. I can feel it is completely different than when I went NC in the past. This time, I really mean it.

 

I don't hate him. I went through that stage. I love him, but not like I used to, before I loved him in a selfish way. I wanted him for me. But now, I love him as a human being. If what he has is better than what we could have, I am happy for him. I really am. I am not jealous, because what I have is very good too. I bear no grudge for a magic to not have developed.

 

But I have to say that it took a few periods of NC, not one long sustained one, to get to this point. I dont care if he contacts me, it has no pull.

 

I guess what I am saying is without trying NC, but failing at it, I don't think I would be here today.

 

I hope people dont feel bad about failing at NC, just keep trying.

 

Remember the matrix? It wasn't until Neo believed could that he could win, that he did.

Edited September 13, 2011 by SBC

[Circular]

I've never felt that complete avoidance is a successful tactic to building willpower and strength in ones self. It's a form of conflict avoidance, something I've been working on to no longer do even at heavy escalation levels. It makes things too black and white for something that has a lot of gray areas.

 

I agree that each situation is different, just read the article about the ex-gf that called her ex-bf 65,000 times in one year. I do think though that two reasonable adults, both working on doing the right thing should be able to deal with NC without having to resort to extreme measures, that they should be able to learn how to put proper boundaries in effect and accept the circumstances as such.

 

When I look at my situation, xmw played a significant role in my life. I learned a lot of good and bad things about myself during our time together. Post-A has been a huge learning experience. I still care about her and I hope that she's on a good path in life and that what happened between us hasn't somehow tainted her life to horribly. So, to me, I think completely blocking would be cold and cruel to someone I do care about.

 

But each person must decide what's right for them. It's not been an easy road, I don't think either one is.

[confusedinkansas]

I 100% agree - I've always thought it's 'crazy' advice to Block Him Here - Block Him There Block Him Block Him Everywhere....OMG, quit your job, OMG MOVE from the city you're in, run for the hills......- Otherwise how will you ever move on with life :rolleyes: (hopefully you'll read the sarcasm here)

 

My EX - still (after 2 years of NC on my part) emails every now & then. I used to actually ask here in LS why someone would do that.....Now.....Just don't care anymore.

 

I'd like to think that IF you were totally into your XAP then they for sure know where you work, they know where you live, they know your favorite restaurants etc,etc,etc.

Are you supposed to just STOP living because of them?

NOPE! IF someone wants to contact you they'll find a way.

(& that's true in my case too) We've 'bumped into' each other at restaurants a few times along the last few years.

 

He's just a BURP in my everyday life if he comes around (email or otherwise) I don't really give it a second thought. AND - NO (like some in LS believe) I don't keep my email open Just Hoping & Praying that he'll want to see me again one day.........Ugh...how pathetic is that.

[Spark1111]

NC is weird. First off, let me say that I believe I really am at the point of indifference. I really don't care if he never leaves, because I know now that I will be OK, with or without him. And I know I just went NC within the last two weeks, but it is different this time. I can feel it is completely different than when I went NC in the past. This time, I really mean it.

 

I don't hate him. I went through that stage. I love him, but not like I used to, before I loved him in a selfish way. I wanted him for me. But now, I love him as a human being. If what he has is better than what we could have, I am happy for him. I really am. I am not jealous, because what I have is very good too. I bear no grudge for a magic to not have developed.

 

But I have to say that it took a few periods of NC, not one long sustained one, to get to this point. I dont care if he contacts me, it has no pull.

 

I guess what I am saying is without trying NC, but failing at it, I don't think I would be here today.

 

I hope people dont feel bad about failing at NC, just keep trying.

 

Remember the matrix? It wasn't until Neo believed could that he could win, that he did.

 

And that is exactly what they say to drug addicts too! Don't beat yourself up too badly when you fall of the wagon, just keep trying.

 

So, in that regard, I do agree with you! If eventually you get to the same fork in the road, at least you got there! Be proud of that.

 

Where it IS helpful is when someone is in so much pain, OR so much denial, being jerked back and forth by an AP or a WS and can't see straight but KNOWS it has to end FOR NOW, NC is the key.

 

First, end the pain by ending all contact with the source of that pain. Then take time to think about what is really healthy for you and decide your course of action.