gbadboy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 -Ex and I broke up in Feb but we maintained a weird "friendship" thing - Even though we were broken up, b/c we were still hanging he considered me hookin up with ppl "cheating" - Eventually we decided to look past it and remain friends just friends - A month later he decided to heed the advice of my friend and "follow his heart and ask me out again" -When he asked me out, I rejected him. I made a mistake . I rejected him b/c I was upset at him at the time as we went out for his birthday 2 nights prior and he was drunk dancing all vulgar with his ex. I realized a few days later, I over-reacated. -Phoned him back to apologize only a FEW days later but he refused to take me back. Since then he's become very very angry at me. Problem is, he became close with all my friends. Unfortunately he's been having family issues and i believe his family put him out of the house. So he is staying at one of my friends place for a while. I dont know how long this arrangement will go on, but it didnt sit too well with me. They have to share a bed together but I know its nothing like that going on, bc its my good friend who was the one tryin to get us back from the onset. It does bug me though that he is not reaching out to me for help , but I suppose I see his point as he's upset at me. He said he cant be back with me because he believes i dont know what i want. He thinks i truly dont love him and that i love only the fact that he's cool with my friends, cool with my family (he keeps in touch with my brothers too). He doesn't believe I'm truly attracted to him. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but he refuses to believe me and give me that other chance. So Im the one that rejected him but he's flipped it and rejected me now. I dont know if i can be his friend, even though he said we could work on a friendship. It might be too painful for me. But given im the one that did him wrong and given im the one that destroyed our relationship, wouldn't it be selfish of me to decline an eventual friendship ? I know he loves me but he's hurting and on top of that, he's having his own family issues - so he's going through a lot. Im glad my friend is there to help him and house him though... Given all this, should i still go NC? He feels I should still try to be his friend especially since im the one that destroyed the relationship. Thoughts?
Mack05 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Thoughts! Are u nuts? I would hate the thoughts of a 'friend' of mine sharing a bed with the person I love. That is completely overstepping the boundaries of standard decorum. Not one friend of mine would dream of sharing a bed with an ex of mine or a girl I love. There are boundaries in friendship that you simply do not cross. I cannot believe you are ok with this!? U can't tell me that there is not a couch in the living room? Either way your thinking is very naive here. From what I have read of your relationship, this is a million miles from what a happy loving stable nourishing relationship should be. You both come across as two very emotionally immature people. There are red flags everywhere here. Look at how badly you both handle conflict for example, how badly you both communicate to one another. The fact this guy has family problems, no friends of his own and has latched onto all your friends. That right there is bizarre and as big a red flag as you can come across. I think he is clearly an emotionally unstable person. After a breakup normally you lose contact with your's ex's friends no matter how well you got on with them, why? because they are your ex's friends! Yet this guy has come in and made himself at home (literally) with your friends. If you friend is a true friend, he needs to kick this guy out of his bed (give him 2 weeks notice and have him stay on the couch). His loyalty should be about you, not him. It's rough he is going through a tough time, but its not up to you or your friend to take care of him. He is a grown man and if he can't take care of himself why on earth would you consider ever getting back with him? Yes, I sound harsh here but this situation is so wrong and needs to be corrected. If he was kicked out he needs to stand on his own two feet. If he can't do that, then he will suck the life out of you and your friend and will destroy your friendships with your friends. You won't listen to me as its clear you are in love, but in my opinion I would gave this guy a serious wide birth and focus on youself, so that you learn from the mistakes of the past relationship. This right now has utter heartbreak written all over it. I would be VERY wary if I were you. Edited September 13, 2011 by Mack05
Mack05 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 "One night he got really drunk and made out with 3 guys in the basement of the club. I was furious b/c obviously we were together, but I forgave him. My only request was that he quit that job - and when he refused, we ended it. We however maintained a weird friendship kind of thing in March/April. I say weird b/c we were broken up, but we stilll hung out one on one sometimes.....but we were never intimate at all. Granted he wanted to get back together, but I told him I couldn't as long as you work at that gay club. In all fairness, after we broke up, I did have a series of hook ups with people - I did so as a single person. In any event, he finally quit the club and we were going to try to work it out but he eventually found about my hooking up with ppl. I believe it was wrong for him to accuses me of cheating because we had broken up already and I was single. To call that cheating would be unfair I believe. Anyway, we decided to keep it as a friends and we respected our boundaries and hung out this time in social groups only. Note - he became close to my circle of friends and became part of our group....so we would all hang out as a group. In July he asked me to come out for his bday. I was hesitant given I was the "ex" but I decided to go. HE got really drunk at the club and started to dance very very very vulgar and erotic with this guy he was "checking" after we broke up. I dont know the extent of their relationship but I know they went out on a few dates. Anyway, he has every right to talk to whomever, but I think it was out of place to dance vulgar and sexual with that person RIGHT in front of me. Out of respect for me and given im there to celebrate your birthday it was wrong. So I got upset. And he saw and told me to "relax" and he kept on dancing vulgar. The other guy knew it was gettin to me! So I just left! I was upset and I didn’t need that nonsense...so I left " This relationship is a mess dude. I wouldn't even maintain a friendship with him. You are completely wrong for each other. Any person on this site would tell you that. Focus on your friendships with friends. I have this sneaky feeling this guy is trying to squeeze you out. I know the type. Just be very careful here. You could end up looking like the bad guy and lose some friends. I would thread with serious caution.
Author gbadboy Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 You are right. My ex doesn't have any proper friends - most of them just party with him and that's it. It was my friends that's always took him in and embraced him. As for the bed thing, well he was initally on the couch but then my friends roommate moved out and took the couch with him. So he ended up in the room and thats where the tv is so its more of a comfort thing now. There's a small chair in the living room but its pretty uncomfortable. ive already asked the question , but my friend has declined. My friend is the type of guy that is very generous and given im the one that broke my ex's heart ( i unfortunately cheated on him ) - my ex went into complete despair and had no where to go. Had he been the one the cheat on me, i would have never accepted my friend taking him in. My friend has told me he is there for both of us and wants me to be happy. He has made lots of efforts to try to get us back together, so its more he's doing the generous thing. He asked me if he should kick him out but knowing im the one that cheated on my ex, I told my friend - no - to keep him. The thing is, my friend nor my ex is not working. My friend's job recently closed so they gave him a package - paid out 2 months , but bills have to be paid, so this arrangement will soon start to take a financial toll - and while it might be good now - i for see a lot of problems down the road and my ex is going to end up becoming a burden on to my friend. My ex isn't working and i dont think he has enough $ to go back to school. So much things are wrong here and while I did make my mistakes in the past, I have always showed my ex direction, encouraged him to finish school , graduate and stop partying every day. But you're right, it appears he is trying to squeeze me out but ill blame my friend for that if that happens. Everyone in our group is also seeing it and they dont approve, so its a matter of time until my friend see's through it. Im curious to see how this living arrangement will work out . Its a condo and payments are expensive especially when no one is working. The right thing to do is to encourage him to get back with his family or go on his own , or work it out with his xbf. Thanks for your reply
Author gbadboy Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Oh and just to add...... I did ask the question as to what is going on if anything? And I know they wouldn't lie to me.......especially my ex because he has no reason to anymore. Them being together just wouldn't be feasible b/c its such a small community here where we live. Plus i know my ex is completey in love with me and i think him hanging on to my friend is his way of stayin in the picture. Even when we were dating he use to chill by my other friends place a lot and even asked him for a key, and he'd stay there till midnights hanging out! So its just my ex's personality to be very very foward. Nonetheless, him being there is going to eventually interrupt my friends social life. My friend is 37 and he's 23, so there's a huge difference there just in terms of outlook and life. Bills need to be paid, and i think my ex is using this to fill the void, b/c when he's at home and alone - he stresses over me. But being there gives him a buddy to party with. BUt yes, him staying there will eventually become a burden - my friend sort of alluded to the burden already to his ex-room mate. At some point, you can't stay forever. If ur having family problems, you need to man up and fix it.Sure you can draw support from your friends which he is doing via my friend - but he needs to eventually face up to it and can't keep leaning off of other ppl. Stand on your own 2 feet as you say.
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