tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 We talked about it and we decided to work things out with me staying here. I repeatedly drove the point home that living separately will not resolve our issues in the long run, as it doesn't prove anything that hasn't already been proven--that I can live my own life without 'needing' him so much. I said, "The challenge is finding out if we can live together the way we originally intended (and circumstances prevented that until recently)--and we won't find that out if we're living apart. People struggle to remain 'balanced' all the time while with a partner, especially after moving in. What if I do leave, and then move back in and the same thing begins again? Better to figure it all out now while we're in the same place." Sunday night when we had discussed it, he said he needed time to either stick by his decision or change it. On my way to the one apt. showing Monday after work I told him, "I won't deal with that. You decided to put me in limbo with this 'I need time' and expect me to be okay with it, while I am wasting time either way! I am either wasting my own time by not looking for other places, or I am wasting my time and others' time by looking for other places, so you need to make a choice. You've forced me into this on your own terms so now I'm looking out for myself and what is best for me, like you said you wanted me to do. I'm not doing this on your terms. I told you what I really want and what is truly best for us, because--forgive me--you certainly have not come up with any reasons for me to leave that I haven't soundly refuted. If we can't stay together in that apartment and work it all out there, then I don't know if I want to continue this relationship while living apart. Consider that while you're deciding." One thing he had the gall to say (I was quite offended by it)--he thought I was 'afraid' of trying to handle it all on my own and one reason I didn't want to leave is the 'affordability'. I said, "Did I say anything about that from the time this issue arose? Did I? No, I didn't. I can't believe you would have the nerve to say that to me when it was the furthest thing from my mind. The only time I mentioned affordability was when I was looking at places in comparison to each other--NOT to this one, ever. And hello, I just came back from an apartment showing; I have two more scheduled tomorrow morning. I'm registered on two different search sites for roommates; I was doing that virtually all weekend while holed up in that motel room. I am handling this stuff on my own! I haven't done this with any of your help!" He inevitably couldn't see beyond my sound logic and acknowledged he was an *** about the whole thing and apologized, so we're good. I'm staying. And if it doesn't work out, I'll only have to move out once.
Janesays Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 You're pretty good at getting that boy to do exactly what you tell him too.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 You're pretty good at getting that boy to do exactly what you tell him too. I get the strong sense that's not a compliment in any way. I merely asserted my needs and defended my logic. He called my bluff at one point but I didn't cave and he saw the light. I didn't even want to go through the showings or anything like that; I didn't want to leave our living situation or him because I love him and I'm committed to him--I made sure he knew that the whole time. Hell, I scheduled the showings and did the roommate searches because I love him and he had said that was what he wanted me to do. It was when he decided to jerk me around by saying 'I need time to change my mind or not' that I decided I had to look out for myself, and I did.
denise_xo Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Did you talk at all about what both of you are going to do to improve your relationship?
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Did you talk at all about what both of you are going to do to improve your relationship? We did. We decided that we have been talking way too much about our relationship instead of actually being in it. We've forgotten how good it can be because we have been talking so much. So we are going to just be in our relationship. I had suggested that as a bit of a 'challenge' over Labor Day weekend and that, we both agreed, was the best time we had together since we first started dating.
JohnnyCage Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Honestly speaking this was the first time I felt bad for you considering the situation you were in. Its good that it worked out FOR NOW but if you want it to be the same way in future then remember that to make a relationship work each partner will have to sacrifice something or make minor adjustments in their lives to stay happy with each other. No more I won't take out skimpy pics from my FB and stuff like that. Don't do anything that offends your partner. And if your partner does something that makes you feel bad let him know that in a good way. If he loves you or cares for you he will change that.
Lucky_One Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Why am I feeling sort of sorry for him? Why am I picturing a guy who wants his "GF" to move out, but just can't pull the trigger because he hates being mean and making a girl cry - and he gets badgered into letting her stay because she repeatedly drove the point home that she should stay. It's like a guy who wants a divorce, and his wife cries and begs him to stay for another 3 months while they go to MC - and the whole time the man is thinking "Fine, I will stay and go to counseling, and maybe after 3 months she will realize too that this isn't working out."
JohnnyCage Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 But the important thing to ask yourself is the question that if you were financially capable and doing pretty good in terms of money what would you have done in this situation? I think if you ask me a break up was inevitable from your side.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Why am I feeling sort of sorry for him? Why am I picturing a guy who wants his "GF" to move out, but just can't pull the trigger because he hates being mean and making a girl cry - and he gets badgered into letting her stay because she repeatedly drove the point home that she should stay. It's like a guy who wants a divorce, and his wife cries and begs him to stay for another 3 months while they go to MC - and the whole time the man is thinking "Fine, I will stay and go to counseling, and maybe after 3 months she will realize too that this isn't working out." He didn't want to break up at all. He just thought that living separately would be better for our relationship. He even said he didn't want me to leave but he just thought it might be 'better' for us if I did (how does that even make sense? If you don't want me to leave then just don't have me leave...I brought that up too). He said we thought differently about it. I stated, in good sense, that it wouldn't solve any of our problems. It would only be a band-aid, because the very same issue could crop up again if we decided to live together again. Then he decided to be an ***, jerk me around by saying 'I need time to think', and then insinuate I only wanted to stay out of convenience when I had never said one single thing about how much of an inconvenience or hassle it would be for me. As I said in my OP, it didn't even cross my mind. All I kept thinking about was that our relationship could be over. If I didn't love him so much and want our relationship to work out I would've left of my own accord and dumped him for that. He had no right to say that to me, no foundation at all for that argument. Edited September 13, 2011 by tigressA
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Why am I feeling sort of sorry for him? Why am I picturing a guy who wants his "GF" to move out, but just can't pull the trigger because he hates being mean and making a girl cry - and he gets badgered into letting her stay because she repeatedly drove the point home that she should stay. It's like a guy who wants a divorce, and his wife cries and begs him to stay for another 3 months while they go to MC - and the whole time the man is thinking "Fine, I will stay and go to counseling, and maybe after 3 months she will realize too that this isn't working out." Sometimes you have to fight to save your relationship rather than just give up. Nobody knows what he is really thinking but if he was ready to break up, he would have done so.
JohnnyCage Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Just 2 days ago you were telling everyone how bad it is because you cannot even afford a lot of things. And now that he lets you stay you are back to your old ways again. You would have "dumped him" lol. You even said you will dump him after a couple of weeks till you sort your stuff out.
Kamille Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 T, are you afraid that if you don't assert yourself, put your foot down, drive your points home and do things on your own terms (instead of his), he's going to take advantage of you? If the answer to that question is yes, here's some follow up questions: Why do you feel that unless you put your foot down he'll take advantage of you? How do you think this fear (and whatever it is based on) is affecting your relationship and the way you discuss issues together?
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 But the important thing to ask yourself is the question that if you were financially capable and doing pretty good in terms of money what would you have done in this situation? I think if you ask me a break up was inevitable from your side. I AM capable. I can do it if I want to but I don't want to; I never did. Hence why, in my OP, I was very offended when he suggested I wanted to stay out of convenience. I only scheduled the apt. showings and conducted roommate searches because he had said last week, when we fought, he thought I should leave and it would be better for us as a couple. I was only doing what he wanted; it was not my choice at all. It was only when he started being a jerk about it, going back and forth and unfairly leaving me in limbo, that I asserted myself and decided to go about things on my own terms. Normally I would've dumped him for that behavior, especially in this situation, but I love him and I want this to work. I am committed. You really read the last thread wrong. It seems like you completely missed when I kept repeating that I couldn't afford things before I got a job.
Star Gazer Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 What do you mean that you're going to live together as you originally intended? Wasn't the original intention for you to live there TEMPORARILY until you were ABLE to live on your own?
JohnnyCage Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I AM capable. I can do it if I want to but I don't want to; I never did. Hence why, in my OP, I was very offended when he suggested I wanted to stay out of convenience. I only scheduled the apt. showings and conducted roommate searches because he had said last week, when we fought, he thought I should leave and it would be better for us as a couple. I was only doing what he wanted; it was not my choice at all. It was only when he started being a jerk about it, going back and forth and unfairly leaving me in limbo, that I asserted myself and decided to go about things on my own terms. Normally I would've dumped him for that behavior, especially in this situation, but I love him and I want this to work. I am committed. You really read the last thread wrong. It seems like you completely missed when I kept repeating that I couldn't afford things before I got a job.What I said here is based on what you said in many of your threads before. You once said that you love him and then said you would break up with him in a flash if you two were not compatible in that same thread. And then you didn't even after you found out that the incompatibility was there. Social and cultural differences are huge. And in your last thread you said this I know going backward is a bad thing. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it in a completely different way, which is what is making me think we're probably fundamentally incompatible. I can't break up with him unless I am prepared to leave, and I am not--at least, not now. I'm not going to stay in a studio apartment with an ex. I can't really put an end to it until I have somewhere else to go. I should work on that then, I guess... I don't like that this is coming to me so easily. But then again his decision about me moving out came to him easily enough, so...it evens out. See the underlined line as well. That's where you said that you will wait to break up until you are capable to do that.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 What do you mean that you're going to live together as you originally intended? Wasn't the original intention for you to live there TEMPORARILY until you were ABLE to live on your own? We had both changed our minds about that less than a month after I moved in. He was the one who said, "I love you being here, I don't want you to go." The temporary thing became completely irrelevant from there on out. Permanency was what I was going on. Apparently last week when we fought he wasn't going on that. He seemed to have forgotten about that for a minute.
Cee Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If you can afford 50% of the total expenses in the apartment, I think you can make this work on a practical level. You can draw up an agreement and set up a convenient payment system. I think evening up your financial stake in the apartment will be a big change. I don't know how you and your boyfriend will react to the change, but it will alter things in ways you can't predict. But I think it will be positive for the both of you. I wouldn't worry too much about working on the relationship. If you focus on getting financial independence within a committed relationship, other changes will happen on their own. I have no idea where this will go. But as was said before, you are okay and will be no matter what happens. I'm pulling for you and will be interested in hearing your story unfold.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 What I said here is based on what you said in many of your threads before. You once said that you love him and then said you would break up with him in a flash if you two were not compatible in that same thread. And then you didn't even after you found out that the incompatibility was there. Social and cultural differences are huge. And in your last thread you said this See the underlined line as well. That's where you said that you will wait to break up until you are capable to do that. That was before I knew he didn't really want me to leave. I had thought then that he wanted me to leave because he wanted to break up. After I posted that was when he told me he didn't want me to go, he didn't want to break up, but thought that my leaving would be 'better' for us as a couple. And when I said capable, I didn't mean financially. I just wasn't in a position to move anywhere because I didn't have a place. I had only just started scheduling showings and doing searches; it was the first step of several that I would have had to take.
sm1tten Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I do believe that you love this guy and want to make it work, but I honestly felt sorry for him because you come off like a bully in the second paragraph. Not the first time I've thought that, but probably the most explicit example.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 If you can afford 50% of the total expenses in the apartment, I think you can make this work on a practical level. You can draw up an agreement and set up a convenient payment system. I think evening up your financial stake in the apartment will be a big change. I don't know how you and your boyfriend will react to the change, but it will alter things in ways you can't predict. But I think it will be positive for the both of you. I wouldn't worry too much about working on the relationship. If you focus on getting financial independence within a committed relationship, other changes will happen on their own. I have no idea where this will go. But as was said before, you are okay and will be no matter what happens. I'm pulling for you and will be interested in hearing your story unfold. We had already done that when I first got this job last month. I have had a budget worked out; I can well afford everything. That is not a problem at all. I could afford to live on my own too. I think evening up the financial stake will lead to big changes, too. That was another thing I repeatedly told him. He said yesterday that he has seen some good changes already.
JohnnyCage Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I am gonna say this that in a relationship money should never be an issue. So the main issues at hand right now are far greater than monetary ones. Respect for the partner and for his loved ones should be the top priority. You cannot give a partner a choice between you and his family. Same goes for him also. So my suggestion is to be how he wants you to be in front of his family. If he says that his family will be offended by something then don't do it. It's not a big ask. And make sure he does the same thing too.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I do believe that you love this guy and want to make it work, but I honestly felt sorry for him because you come off like a bully in the second paragraph. Not the first time I've thought that, but probably the most explicit example. He had put me in an extremely tricky and unfair corner. What the hell else was I supposed to do, sit there and be okay with it? I don't think so.
Star Gazer Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 He had put me in an extremely tricky and unfair corner. What the hell else was I supposed to do, sit there and be okay with it? I don't think so. Going back to something MC said in your other thread, he didn't "put you" anywhere - either physically or proverbially. Playing the victim card is not healthy or helpful to your relationship.
Author tigressA Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Going back to something MC said in your other thread, he didn't "put you" anywhere - either physically or proverbially. Playing the victim card is not healthy or helpful to your relationship. I certainly didn't stay a victim. I fought for what I wanted, I got it, and we're both happy.
sm1tten Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I certainly didn't stay a victim. I fought for what I wanted, I got it. Indeed. The trajectory of your relationship looks like this to me: You do/don't do something. He asserts himself. You fight. He caves. Rinse. Repeat. You come off very much as "my way or the highway" and that seems unhealthy. It's not your intentions or your right to assert how you feel about your relationship that I take issue with. It's your method. How you communicate. The way that you fight. But I'm not dating you; I have no idea how he feels about it. And I certainly don't wish the two of you failure. I just really wonder about your relationship dynamic.
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