Ayla Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Last week, I saw the guy I like 5 days out of 7. Each time both of us were relaxed, had a nice time. There was flirting, sexual innuendos, great conversation. Monday-he text me asking me to go to breakfast, unfortunately I was busy so I couldn't go. Tuesday-I rang his flatmate and told him I was going to drop over. His flatmate told me that was cool, he was just there with his 15 year old son. X wasn't there. Anyway, I got there and his son wasn't there (never was) but X was. I was there for most of the afternoon. His flatmate left us alone most of the time - except for a few cheeky comments about us (as a couple). That night he also came over for dinner (my brother was also there). He didn't stay the night though (and hasn't since he did 3 weeks ago). Wednesday-we ran into each other at the gym, and he was clearly perving on me whilst on the treadmill. We also had a good chat, as he always asks my opinion on houses he is looking at and other things Thursday - we meet for brunch. He said he was keen to meet with me. Friday - nothing Saturday - I was house hunting, and I had a break and went to grab a coffee. I ran into him and his flatmate, and his flatmate said we should go looking at houses together (as we are both looking to buy) and that "you should just get it over and done with and buy together." When I arrived, his flatmate was yelling out "she is your girlfriend" when I walked in the door. I later asked why he said that, and he said because I basically was. When we were heading off he said "Mr and Mrs X, please come in". X said nothing, he just smiled or laughed. House hunting was great and fun. Of course everyone assumed that we were together. When he dropped me home, he said that he was going to open house the following day, if I wanted to come. Sunday - I text him asking if he still wanted me to come and what time but there was no reply. Monday - nothing Today (tues) - nothing I did find a house that I liked on Saturday, and X liked it too. He knows the agent, and on the day whilst I was walking around the house I heard him say in conversation to the agent "that I was a very close friend". The agent sold him the house that he and his ex used live in. The agent told me today that X was going to speak to the bank today - which is huge. This is the biggest commitment he has made since he got hurt and split with his ex (pf 10 years and mother of his daughter - she cheated on him and is not engaged to that person). So he probably does have a lot going on at the moment. But after such a great week, and lots of time together - I am confused as to why I have not heard from him in 3 days and hasn't stayed over since the last time he did (3 weeks ago) - but he refers to the times he has stayed, and there is still sexual innuendos. I know he could be freaking out a little - buying a house and spending lots of great times with me-and I want to give him his space (as he needs this) but I am missing him. Also I am confused as to why his flatmate is all of a sudden pushing us together to do things. Usually he only makes comments...IMO a friend would not make such comments and push people together if someone isnt interested. What are your thoughts?
Emilia Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Ignore the flatmate, third party never knows what's going on. It's all too ambigous, it obviously bothers you that he doesn't seem to be investing in the relationship or that he is sitting on the fence. He hasn't stayed over for 3 weeks, that's quite a long time without sex if you are supposed to be intimate with someone. I personally wouldn't really try to get closer to him and would start getting ready for cutting my losses. He doesn't sound ready for anything
Author Ayla Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 His flatmate is one of his closest friends, and somewhat of a father figure..and they spend a lot of time together. I am not sure if he does not k ow what is going on...and IMO if X was not interested, he would know. X is the type to talk about his feelings with his friends. It bothers me in some sense, but not in others. It bothers me, because I don't undertstand how we can spend so much time together (specifically over the last few weeks) and have - great time - and then for him to not speak to me for 3 days. I do understand that he freaks out quite quickly, and I do understand that he needs his space. I should clarify, he has only stayed over twice, we did not have sex, just fooled around. Since the times that he stayed over, the amount of time we spend together (excluding the last 3 days) has increased, not decreased... Not only is he the guy I like, but he is also a close friend, and friends with my brother and we have other mutual friends.
Emilia Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I think he sees you as a friend, not as a lover. That happened to me before, I couldn't transfer my feelings from being a friend with someone to being a good lover to him. I liked his company and liked spending time with him and didn't mind inuendo but didn't really see him as a boyfriend. I'm not sure he is attracted to you romantically
Author Ayla Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 That makes me really sad. We initially started dating at the end of last year (when we first met) but I ended it with him in February because he wasn't ready for a relationship. I tokd him then, that when he was ready, maybe we could get to know each other again. Then we didn't speak for 3 months. I thought that all this was us getting to know each other better. So sad right now.
Emilia Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I could be wrong of course but it isn't quite right that you have known eachother for such a long time and it's a struggle for it to get anywhere. I think whatever his reasons are you would be better off finding someone else. Relationships are hard work but the initial stages at least should be easier, don't you think?
Emilia Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Also, I think if you break up with someone (whatever the reason is) it's not realistic to expect them to on the same page as you, to grow at the same pace as you and to get back into the relationship. You can't really expect someone to see things the same way as you do, everyone is different. He may have just moved on because February was a long time ago really for something that was a short relationship and it isn't realistic to expect so much emotional investment from him.
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Ignore the flatmate, third party never knows what's going on. It's all too ambigous, it obviously bothers you that he doesn't seem to be investing in the relationship or that he is sitting on the fence. He hasn't stayed over for 3 weeks, that's quite a long time without sex if you are supposed to be intimate with someone. I personally wouldn't really try to get closer to him and would start getting ready for cutting my losses. He doesn't sound ready for anything I have to disagree with the third party thing. I have personally been the 3rd party, and had my friend be the 3rd party. On both occasions we gave the game away intentionally. I was really into a girl and my friend knew it, since he knew me very well. I refused to tell the girl, since I felt like she'd never look at me that way, but my friend eventually started dropping hints (which I was really glad about because I wanted this girl to know and didn't have the balls to do it myself) and me and this girl eventually dated for a while. As well as this, a friend of mine really liked a girl, and it was clear she liked him too, but whenever they were out they refused to talk about it, even though you could cut the sexual tension with a spoon! So I started joking about it and implied the two of them should hook up and the closer they got, the more I said it and said it. That was 6 years ago. They're still together to this day and even talking about kids now. As for sitting on the fence, look: this guy's been through a lot of sh*t. He probably loves that he has this clandestine little back and forth with you. I would. It means he gets a little thrill knowing he has this connection with you, but at the same time he does not have to commit to anything, and therein lies the rub. He enjoys the sexual innuendos and the playful gestures and anything else, because its safe. You can't hurt him that way and he can get a little confidence boost knowing you like him, because believe me, it sounds like he knows. If you're really serious about this guy and you want more, you have to know you're gonna push him out of that safe zone he's in. He might resent you for that, or he might struggle with it, but he also might get over it and you two can really get started on something. But ultimately my advice would be to have a gentle talk with him and try and make him go that little bit further with you in terms of making more of a commitment. Clearly, the fact he doesn't bother to text or call you when you've text him asking about arrangements means he's still not ready to make that move yet. So you can either try and force his hand (which, as I've seen in some situations, is needed) or you can wait and keep playing this game with him and he eventually may build up his confidence enough to want, and try for, more. Either way, I wish you the best of luck
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