Neo Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 In your experience, with your significant other, what has worked when things are in common? As in, what do you think must be in common for things to work? What things help if they differ? In my case, I am wondering what the effects are of having a common/not common: -Food preference, movie/music preference, politics, views on sex, family, school/education, marriage, and so forth... What are your opinions pertaining to having things in common?
sportsloving Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 My S/O and I didn't really have anything in common... such as: I love sports, he didn't watch them at all or like them(although he played football in high school and college). I love chinese food, he can't stand it. I hate pizza, its one of his weaknesses. His parents were in love and married all his life (until he lost his mom to cancer and his father passed away shortly). My parents were divorced when we were young and couldn't even say hi to each other without a conflict arrising. He was raised with money, my family wasn't. Makes the view on money a tad different. His music taste and mine are quite different. I love the 80s and new country stuff (hee hee Lonestar being a favorite) and he likes classical or even (gasp) Opera. But the things that mattered, we agreed on. Our views were very similar on politics, religion, family, children, and the biggest ... we both love cheesecake What we had different views on, we talked about. We gave our opinions and we learned things we might not have. And we were able to compromise on those that we disagreed on...
moimeme Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 Having values and ideals in common can be very important. The rest depend on how you both deal with differences. If someone not liking the same things you do is a type of rejection to you, that's not good. If, for instance, you hate Japanese food and she loves it, then it would be decent of you to take her out for Japanese food every now and then. If, on the other hand, you refuse to go near it or let her have any, then it'll be a problem. If you hate the movies she loves and she hates the ones you love, you could have a movie night where each of you picks a TV and a VCR and you spend time together before and after the films. When it comes to things like family, religion, and schools, you really need to be people who can negotiate agreements which are satisfactory to both. The most fatal arrangement is when each of you sticks to a position from which you will not budge - even for love of the other. Bottom line is that how you two deal with each other when there are disagreements is the most important thing of all.
Thinkalot Posted May 10, 2004 Posted May 10, 2004 View on the big things should be pretty close I think, or else you need to have excellent negotiating skills! My partner and I have much in common, but we have also negotiated many differences. For example, in common things would be shared interests, sports and so on. We both love all outdoor activities, the beach, surfing, picnics, sailing and so on, and we both keep fit. We like similar foods, and have similar lifestyle values, in that neither of us smokes or drinks much, or is a party goer. We both are spiritual people, and enjoy time with family. We value committment, marriage, and would like to have a family one day. We both are good with money, and support saving for goals...and we have similar goals in terms of where we'd like to live, what sort of location... The big differences we've had to sort out: I love travel and have tended to live for the moment, whereas he has not travelled much, and been a big planner. THE COMPROMISE: a wonderful blend of the two...now we travel lots, and plan for the future. I know I want kids one day...he can take or leave whether he has them or not. THE COMPROMISE: We'll have kids, since he's on the fence and can still imagine having them, and loving them, and I have a definate viewpoint Family views differed. I am much closer to my family than he has been to his. THE COMPROMISE: I have learned to establish better boundaries with my family...and he has actually moved closer to his family. We spend time with each others families together too, and have learnt to respect each others views on family, and our own family backgrounds. I like to rock the boat...have my say...he likes to do things by the book. COMPROMISE: We make sure things happen fairly, and also know when it is best to leave things alone. Our relationship histories differed significantly. He married young, and when we met had only had a couple of other relationships outisde his marriage (and they were highschool things). He was VERY moralistic. On the other hand, I had dated a lot, been single, and had several significant relationships. I too have high morals, but had had limiited casual sex. THE COMPROMISE: After some very ugly moments, in which with both judged the other's past experiences and put each other down...we (through counselling) came to accept the other's past...accept it was right for the other person...even if it would not have been right for us...and so on. We also realised that we both have high ethics and morals, and these apply to our current relationship, which is all that matters in the end. I was very afraid of our differences at the start, and I rebelled against them....as did he, but more me. Then we realised we loved each other too much to just walk away because we differed in some areas...we also realised we have LOTS in common and many shared values. Plus, the differences actually add richness to our relationship, and teach us new things. Now, we've grown closer together in the area's where we have differences anyway, and found many successful compromises which suit us both.
loves2love Posted May 10, 2004 Posted May 10, 2004 I think it completely depends on the boundaries you each set for each other. My bf and I have some very dignificant difference, but yet we are extremely similar. I am jewish, while he is catholic. That would make it very difficult down the road for many people. However, both of us are not very observant in our respective religions, so it isn't a problem. Furthermore, both of our families feel that although it would be nice if we married someone within our relgions, the fact that we find someone to love and resepct is more important. They just want to see us healthy and happy, no matter who with. The fact is...both relgions have similar values, yet teach them in different ways. Therefore, we beleive that if there are kids in our future, we would instill values fo a judao-christian ethic, while showing them that there are different relgious practices that can support that belief. We come from similar socio-economic backgrounds, and we both have very close, stable family relationships (both of our parents have been married for 40+years...happily I might add). We also have similar views on what to plan and when to just fly by the seat of our pants. I am FAR better with money than him, which acutally is a good thing, since it means I teach him to be frugal sometimes, while he teaches me how to enjoy what I've worked hard for and to enjoy things(of course after putting money away for retirement). He loves action and horror movies, while I can otlerate them. I like to watch comedies and the occasional "oscar type", and he'll sit through them with me. But most importantly, we share similar goals in life nad the desire to spend it together, no matter what. If you beleive that you can talk throguh anything, and share your life with someone you care about, you have a better chance at surviving. If you harp on the differences you'll forget to look at the things you share, as well as the things you learn from each other's differences. It's a fun thing to do!
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