blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 How to do you just let go of the past and act like it never happened? How do you forget the pain that they put through? Every night I have the same conversation with my boyfriend...I'm always telling him how unhappy I am about the past and its hard to let go. He's always getting mad at me for it and tells me to let go. From my side of the relationship i can't trust him because of what happened in the past. He broke up with me because he didn't like how he was being treated, but the next day he was dating someone else that he called only a school friend. Long story short... we stopped talking then he started to talk to me again and we hooked up and he cheated on her all the time with me. He finally broke up with her when school was over. He picked me in the end and i should be thrilled, but all i do is worry that he will do it again. When we broke up i changed my whole life just to get back with him, but i didn't think that it would happen so i changed myself again to get over him. i ended up making plans way to far away and now i live on the other side of the country. We have been working thinks out, but its hard to trust him when i cant see him... We talk every night about how i feel insecure about our relationship. I feel like he cheated on me. From what happened it looks like he did. How do you become a couple with someone that you don't even know? He always tells me the whole story of what happened, but i don't believe him. Now i'm always thinking that hes with her or with another girl. I don't know what to do anymore. If he cheated on her then he could cheat on me. Do i do what he did to me? How do i get over what happened? how do i not think about them together? I always think that they still talk, but he swears he doesn't. He wants me to get over it, but i can't. I just can't get over the girl he dated? This might sound bad, but this is how i feel... He totally downgraded from me and everyone told him. I think that is the biggest factor for me. i feel like i obsess about the past and about what they did together. Someone please help me!?!?!?! I'm scared that this will ruin my relationship.
NordicStripes Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Your situation is very recognizable to me. I had a three-year relationship with my boyfriend. things weren't going well the last few months. He broke up with me and a couple of days later he was already sleeping with one of his colleagues. After about two weeks of that he realised it was me he wanted.He told me he didn't care about the other girl AT ALL and that she had just been easy (she was trying to steal him away from me when we were still together). He broke off all contact with her after he told her that she and their 'thing' hadn't meant anything to him and that she should leave him alone (I was there when he was talking on the phone and telling her that). The thing is, even though his thing with her only lasted two weeks, and he had obviously every intention of winning me back, I'm reluctant. Because I'm scared I'll end up in your situation: what if I can never get passed the disgusting idea of the two of them together? What if I'll always hold it against him? So I need to be very very very sure I want to give this another go. I need to know of myself that I would be able to get past what he did. If I'm not, I'm sure I'd just be miserable and brake things off myself again sooner or later. You can't be happy if you don't feel secure in your relationship... I'd like to stay updated with how you are doing though! Can't give you any advice, but I hope that you can get over it if you really want to be with him. cheers.
Author blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 well... i talked to him again last night about it. He explained the whole story again, but every time he tells me the story its always different. This time i think he told me the truth though. i can't tell though. i feel like i don't know him anymore. We've been dating for 3 years and i don't know if we are the same people anymore. all we know is that we love each other a lot. He wants me to move in with him in December, but i don't know if i should. he wants to take our relationship to the next step. He thinks that my insecurities will go away if we live together... I would always know where is he and what he is doing, but i feel like i would get more paranoid if he came home really late. Talking things out with him helps me a lot and you should try to talk to your guy about things. Is it bad that I feel like he has to prove himself to me?
A7X Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Just let go and move on, what is a relationship without trust? Do you really want to spend your like wondering what he's doing and who he's with? I think that you deserve better then to be treated this way. I know it's hard, I've been threw a pretty rough breakup recently, learned things threw the grape vine, hate her for doing what she did to me, treating me with no respect. I never want to be with this person ever again in my life, yet I still think of her. It takes time, but time heals all.
Author blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the advice. But i talked to him about her again. He told me that they ran into each other at a store a couple days ago. He didn't even tell me that. i don't even think he would've unless i brought something up. he hates her and doesn't want to talk to her, but what if he's lying to me about it! What if they still keep in contact with each other. He pretty much dated both of us at the same time, but i was the fool that went along with it. He tells me that he never took her out anywhere or bought her anything except for a bday gift. He bought her the necklace that he was going to get for me. But he took me out to dinner and to the movies and stuff, but he never did that for her. But i feel like they did more together then he says. Our mutual friends told me all the time that they went out together with them all the time and they even went on a road trip together. I feel like he did everything we were supposed to do just to hurt me even more. But now he apologizes for it and now wants to move in together. i just don't get it! Do i just trust him or do just investigate? I feel like i should do what he did to me just so he understands how i feel! Edited September 13, 2011 by blahblahr
NordicStripes Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 We are so alike! I too feel like I want to do the same thing to him, just so he would know how bad it hurts! But then again, we want to be better than that, don't we? I don't think you should do anything like that, it would be putting yourself down and make you less of a good person! Our situations are a bit different though. The length of the relationship was more or less the same, but my ex and I had moved in together three weeks after we met. Also, I don't think he dated me and her at the same time (I think. and I'll never know...). He also tells me he doesn't care about the other girl, and they have no contact. He allows me to check his e-mail and facebook, (which I do) but ofcourse I can't check his phone. And besides, I don't want to feel like I need to check up on someone constantly, you know what I mean? That's why I'm still not sure if I'd ever give him a second chance... but you are definitely NOT wrong about feeling that he should prove himself to you. He should. Big time. And you have to make sure that your eyes are open when he turns out to be not worthy of you or a relationship with you. Maybe he just isn't that person anymore. Or maybe he never was.
Author blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 If we got revenge and do what they did to us then we aren't better than them! And it would also cause more drama and pain to both sides of the relationship. My boyfriend lets me check all his things too. i check all his e-mails, facebook and his phone. But i realized that he could still delete the evidence, but i think i'm just thinking too much about it. I'm always thinking the worst which is bad! I feel bad that i always check up on him, but i've been trying to stop doing it. It makes me feel bad that i don't trust him. i see how he's hurt when i don't trust him, but he can't be trusted because of the past! Its always hard to give someone a second chance, but if you really do care for someone then that second chance with definitely tell you if they were worth your time.
NordicStripes Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Exactly! Oh, how I know how you feel :-) Maybe you would have felt better not diving back into the relationship immediately, but to give it more time to think things over and be really sure of your decision? I can't image you're happy right now, far from it actually... And you not being together might make him realize he has to fight for you... But ofcourse since you're already back together again, you would have to break up again, so that's no good I suppose. Or you could maybe ask for some more distance? Might work for you?
Author blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 well right now we are in a long distance relationship. i live on the west side and he lives in the east. i see come home to see him every 4 months, but he wants me to move back to be with him. I just started school out here and i don't think i can just pick up and go back to him. i moved away from him to get over him, but the distance brought us closer together kinda. But i just get paranoid when i don't talk to him. i only get to talk to him once every couple days. the time difference is killing us and we are both busy always.
LelouchIsZero Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) There is no need to do the same thing to him, that's just childish & isn't going to get you anywhere. Quick question; Why're you even in a relationship with him, when you're not happy about what he did in the past? In all likelihood, history is going to repeat itself -- if you continue on with the relationship. Either way though, goodluck. Edited September 13, 2011 by LelouchIsZero
Author blahblahr Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 i'm happy sometimes but other times i'm just like wtf am i doing! in the past he broke up with me thinking that we would get back together, but he decided to date some girl that he didn't even know. long story short he did want to be with me but couldn't admit it... its just hard to accept that he was with someone else and wouldn't break it off because of awkward situations in class. it was a stupid reason, but hes trying to make it up to me.
Thieves Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) He finally broke up with her when school was over. He picked me in the end and i should be thrilled, but all i do is worry that he will do it again. F*ck yeah, I'd be worried too, don't you think? Is it bad that I feel like he has to prove himself to me? Hell no. He needs to prove himself to you again, more than ever. Like I told someone else on this board: it's self-preservation kicking in. It's totally natural. Whatever you do, do NOT allow him to make you feel bad for feeling this way. He should've known the consequences of his behavior, and one of them is LOSING your trust. Anyway, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, honey, listen to yourself: He explained the whole story again' date=' but every time he tells me the story its always different.[/quote'] This time i think he told me the truth though. i can't tell though. i feel like i don't know him anymore. You don't know the person you're having an intimate relationship with? My boyfriend lets me check all his things too. i check all his e-mails, facebook and his phone. But i realized that he could still delete the evidence, but i think i'm just thinking too much about it. No.. you're not. Do you know what a crazy person does sometimes? A crazy person goes out of their way to try and convince themself that they're not crazy, but in reality they actually are crazy. There's a good reason you feel like this: because he's done this in the past. But i talked to him about her again. He told me that they ran into each other at a store a couple days ago. He didn't even tell me that. i don't even think he would've unless i brought something up. Uh oh. Strike #10. He wants me to get over it, but i can't. Wow. He should be understanding of your feelings, not rushing you to get over it so he can stop feeling bad. Does all that sound like the beginning of a wonderful, loving, healthy relationship to you? I would always know where is he and what he is doing, but i feel like i would get more paranoid if he came home really late. Here you have it. A free glimpse of the future. If you moved in, even if you think you know what he's doing, him coming in late at any time would make you paranoid all over again. And you're there with him! Trust your guts on this. I would not be in any kind of relationship with him. What is he doing to make it up to you? And don't 'investigate' either. You're not Sherlock Holmes in the 1900's, honey. He should be making it up to you BEFORE you two get back together, not after. That's like telling a person to study hard for a test, when they've already taken the test and passed it.. Why? Break it off with him. Effort first, results later. I bet you're a lovely lady with a lotta love to give - to the right person. Start acting like it, alright? Edited September 15, 2011 by Thieves
othersideofthepillow Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 As much as you say the two of you care for each other, YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM AT ALL!! Everything else that you have discussed is just you trying to convince yourself that things are getting " better". You have a gift of being APART.....and by a great distance. You don't have to fear he'll drop by, you'll see him when you don't want too, etc....Until you actually get over the past (and from the sounds of it you DEF have not), you CANNOT move forward with this man. Ask him for some time for you to think things through, figure out what you really want and figure out if you CAN FORGIVE...if you CAN (and by that i mean COMPLETELY forgive and let the past go) than by all means try again with him....but only than. Anything else is not fair to either one of you....that BIG WHITE ELEPHANT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE ROOM IF YOU DON'T GET THIS TAKEN CARE OF! NO TRUST = NO LOVE (real & unconditional love) NO TRUST = CONSTANTLY SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING HE DOES/DOES'NT DO NO TRUST = NO RELATIONSHIP For what its worth, I am a man (never done the things/would do the things he has done) but thats what i would do in your situation. I didnt mean to sound rude, harsh or mean....but that is my opinon for ya.....hope it helps!!!!
Thieves Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 As much as you say the two of you care for each other, YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM AT ALL!! Everything else that you have discussed is just you trying to convince yourself that things are getting " better". You have a gift of being APART.....and by a great distance. You don't have to fear he'll drop by, you'll see him when you don't want too, etc....Until you actually get over the past (and from the sounds of it you DEF have not), you CANNOT move forward with this man. Ask him for some time for you to think things through, figure out what you really want and figure out if you CAN FORGIVE...if you CAN (and by that i mean COMPLETELY forgive and let the past go) than by all means try again with him....but only than. Anything else is not fair to either one of you....that BIG WHITE ELEPHANT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE ROOM IF YOU DON'T GET THIS TAKEN CARE OF! NO TRUST = NO LOVE (real & unconditional love) NO TRUST = CONSTANTLY SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING HE DOES/DOES'NT DO NO TRUST = NO RELATIONSHIP For what its worth, I am a man (never done the things/would do the things he has done) but thats what i would do in your situation. I didnt mean to sound rude, harsh or mean....but that is my opinon for ya.....hope it helps!!!! Listen to himmm.
Author blahblahr Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Thank you Thieves and othersideofthepillow i really appreciate your advice for me. Its making me think a lot. I know what i should do, but i don't know if i have the guts to do it... i'm going to talk to him about taking a break to think things over again. he told me that he was going to propose to me to prove to me that he loves me and he can trust me but i don't know if that will change anything. how could we change our relationship? how can he prove himself to me?
othersideofthepillow Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 your very welcome. trust me i know that having the guts to do something that you love so much and want so badly to have is hard but if not taking the stand only makes the hurt last longer...than you need to take that stand and heal yourself. in all honesty....ONLY YOU know how he can prove himself and make things 100% right again. before there is ANY discussion of marriage (i am old fashion about marriage and believe it is sacred and not to be taken lightly) that TRUST NEEDS to be rebuilt. think of it this way, your together....have a ring on your finger and a piece of paper that says you belong to each of "eternally"....and yet you also have a ring around your heart...a ring of doubt and insecurity that you dont trust him completely....which ring will win in the end?...im guessing the ring around your heart will..... IF.....and thats a big IF....he respects your request for time to think things over and IS FAITHFUL to you during that time than by all means....GO FOR IT!!!! i believe in second chances and that sometimes the second go around can be WAY better than the first!!! good luck!!!
Thieves Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Thank you Thieves and othersideofthepillow i really appreciate your advice for me. Its making me think a lot. I know what i should do, but i don't know if i have the guts to do it... i'm going to talk to him about taking a break to think things over again. he told me that he was going to propose to me to prove to me that he loves me and he can trust me but i don't know if that will change anything. how could we change our relationship? how can he prove himself to me? Do NOT let him propose to you. Or if he does, say no. See, the problem with what he's doing is that he's doing all these grand gestures before he actually puts in any effort. They seem like empty gestures. Moving in, marriage proposals, etc. To move in with someone, it needs to be with someone you what? Trust. To marry someone, it needs to be with someone you trust. It's not about him trusting you, but you trusting him. You need to be 100% or at least 99% sure that you can. You have the guts to do this. I think it'd be a lot more effective if you told him that you're breaking up, not taking a break. Because most likely he'll take a 'break' to mean "Well, it's just a break, she'll still come back to me, she's not going anywhere". Also, you'll be totally free to do what you want - or see who you want if you want to. How can he prove himself? Simple. By being there for you, not rushing you to forgive him, by listening to you, by being supportive of your decisions, being helpful, respectful, attentive, truthful - basically being a really good friend for whatever amount of time it takes. You need to get to know him as a person again, since you say you don't feel you know him. All of this before making grand gestures, he needs to do. If he screws up more than a few times while doing this and you still feel doubtful, you have your answer.
Recommended Posts