He kept trying to kiss me...

[ivalm]

Well, if you don't like them, use another tone...

 

I have to agree with carhill, your ad hominem attacks are inappropriate and rude.

 

At any rate, the guy was clearly inexperienced/awkward as he was unable to read what was probably clear body language by the OP.

 

OP's behavior, however, feels striking to me.

 

1. The guy approaches her on bus stop -- aka, he likes how she looks, he doesn't know anything about her when he comes to her apart from how she looks

2. The guy asks for a number -- this is almost always done to ask for dates, I've never heard of a random guy asking a random girl for a number when they just met solely for friendship.

3. The OP ASKS him for lunch -- this is a clear indicator of interest by OP. Since the guy always had ONLY romantic interest in her, he feels that OP's behavior demonstrates her interest in him.

4. Op tells him she is OUT of relationship (ie available, perhaps not for another relationship, but for something romantic)...

 

Now the guy goes for the kiss on the first date (definitively the right thing to do if there is chemistry) but there is no chemistry and he gets rejected. He doesn't back down and things go further south.....

[ThsAmericanLife]

The last few posters did not get why I was upset. Thanks for the lack of insightful responses. I had only been with the guy for one hour, and he tried to repeatedly kiss me, even after I had refused him. How hard is that to understand? His behavior is what is on the stand, not me. I am not being impartial, and I have not distored what occurred. I am not a tease. I am not a seductess. Some of you have too many assumptions about who I may be, and how I have may have acted. It seems like some of you are condoning his behavior.

 

Try not to take what some of the posters say personally. Keep in mind that some of them really do believe that every interaction with a woman has to involve f*cking at some point... and based on some of their past posts... on the first date if they can get it. So don't worry about it.

 

I work around all men, and so am frequently required to adjust my perceptions and behavior around men on a regular basis.

 

Exchanging phone numbers does not obligate you to accept this man's advances or even assume you will be advanced upon.

 

What he did was extremely rude. The only reason why you MIGHT be blaming yourself is partly because of these neanderthal values that some of the posters here have adopted.

 

Accept he acted like a jerk and forget about him.

 

- It is ok to want to meet men for friendship.

 

- It is ok to meet men you THINK might be attractive, and decide to be friends later.

 

- It is ok to not want those kind of advances on a first meeting and hope he will show you his interest in other ways.

 

None of the above means you have to accept poor behavior.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I always generalize. It's a discussion forum. If my generalization doesn't apply, ignore it.

 

In 52 years, no female friend has ever become a lover/girlfriend or wife. I've listed a few dozen datapoints over the years. I'll be happy to post a comprehensive list with specific reasons that they gave why.

 

'Brother' is the most common word I've heard. The next most common is 'why is my brother trying to kiss me like that? Gross!'

 

No thanks.

 

I hope that's specific enough for you.

 

... and to your 'defense' (although you don't need it)... you also have promoted the value of male/female friendships many times... if the woman is a legitimate friend. And we both know what that looks like.

 

I also agree that no male friend of mine has made it to (or back to, in some cases) lover/husband. Once in the friend zone, that is where they stay. Which my future BF/husband should take some comfort in... because I have lots of friends who just happen to be male.

 

Back on topic... attempting a kiss, holding one's hand, or showing a physical gesture of interest would not be untoward in the OP's situation. And if he is interested in that and not just friendship, then there is nothing wrong with assessing that sooner rather than later.

 

Still, this guy crossed a line. Too bad for him.

[omkara]

And everything OP says now about him, is likely to be skewed/biased/warped by negative and awkward emotions felt during the "date". What would it be without all this awkwardness? We shall never know (not even OP, as marked in one of her responses).

 

Let's ignore this elephant in the room for a while and assume she was indeed out only to make friends. Then lesson is obvious:

 

don't try to make friends out of guys attracted to you.

 

Maybe, maybe, maybe, they would eventually understand, give up what they first wanted and settle for friendship, but more likely outcome - they'd look for loopholes to get what they want. If you just met them, they don't know you, what would make you so special to give up their "dreams" for someone they don't know, but just looks attractive? Even if you made it clear, you go as friends, it's likely they (I would) just assumed you're bluffing and it's prone to change (certainly NOT unreasonable assumption, and it had happen to me over time in some cases), if they play their cards right. Guy in question got that last part wrong, though.

 

And if they go for "friends" deal, secretly wanting to get in your pants all along... well, is that what you want? I'd guess not.

 

So try gay/taken/indifferent guys. They may not come to you on their own though, expect to put more effort, if that is what you want.

 

Hey...

 

Why so serious?

 

I was just playing devil's advocate. Maybe you should have a look at my previous posts in this thread.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Let's ignore this elephant in the room for a while and assume she was indeed out only to make friends. Then lesson is obvious:

 

don't try to make friends out of guys attracted to you..

 

I disagree.

 

If I liked a guy and he was a decent person, I would not hesitate to try to make him my friend if I was not attracted to him.

 

I've also accepted the same is true in reverse. I've 'accepted' friendship from men who were not attracted to me for some reason.

 

Half the population is the other gender. I prefer not to limit my choice of friends to a single gender. Just like it is her perogative to turn down a romance, he is free to turn down a friendship... but for her to refuse to try for friendship??

 

That seems a bit limiting. Everyone needs good friends... as long as intentions are clear.

[carhill]

And who is going to moderate you? It's ok for you to be a smart ass and when it gets dished back at you you threaten them with your forum powers. How freaking pathetic. If you are being a rude smart ass to someone, that someone will respond, and rightfully so.

 

Yeah, and go on and "moderate" me for that too. I'll gladly stand up and vocie my opinions again.

I stuck to the topic and provided personal experience to back up my opinions. I never attacked anyone, even when one poster suggested that I stop generalizing. When she made it personal, I responded. When the moderation staff changes here, and it's going to happen, I think a lot will change. No kissing will be involved.

 

You have every right to your opinion of the topic. The post below you makes more personal attacks on "bitter posters" who encourage "date-rape". Just more inflammatory bull-shyte from people who can't discuss a topic in a mature manner.

[Wolf18]

So you ask the guy to get lunch, state openly and clearly that you just got out of a relationship (AKA you're single) and then complain when he makes a move on you ?

 

Sorry to break it to you but it's a numbers game OP. We men have to try and kiss as many women as we can if we want one to say yes, since for average joes 95% of women will say no. There is a lot of compettition for women in America and it can be first come first serve. We men are supposed to read minds since women never say if they want us or not.

 

I will say what all the other male posters said. If you want to avoid situations like this, don't go out alone with guys you aren't attracted to.

 

I think deep down inside you just wanted some attention and knew you were leading the guy on.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Try not to take what some of the posters say personally. Keep in mind that some of them really do believe that every interaction with a woman has to involve f*cking at some point... and based on some of their past posts... on the first date if they can get it. So don't worry about it.

 

I work around all men, and so am frequently required to adjust my perceptions and behavior around men on a regular basis.

 

Exchanging phone numbers does not obligate you to accept this man's advances or even assume you will be advanced upon.

 

What he did was extremely rude. The only reason why you MIGHT be blaming yourself is partly because of these neanderthal values that some of the posters here have adopted.

 

Accept he acted like a jerk and forget about him.

 

- It is ok to want to meet men for friendship.

 

- It is ok to meet men you THINK might be attractive, and decide to be friends later.

 

- It is ok to not want those kind of advances on a first meeting and hope he will show you his interest in other ways.

 

None of the above means you have to accept poor behavior.

 

Well said. Women have the right to want to get to know a man better without having any obligations towards him. The signals that the guys here think the OP has given by giving her phone number and going for lunch with him, are just projections of their entitlement. They think women are obliged to give them all kind of things. We are not.

[ThsAmericanLife]

So you ask the guy to get lunch, state openly and clearly that you just got out of a relationship (AKA you're single) and then complain when he makes a move on you ?

 

Sorry to break it to you but it's a numbers game OP. We men have to try and kiss as many women as we can if we want one to say yes, since for average joes 95% of women will say no. There is a lot of compettition for women in America and it can be first come first serve. We men are supposed to read minds since women never say if they want us or not.

 

I will say what all the other male posters said. If you want to avoid situations like this, don't go out alone with guys you aren't attracted to.

 

I think deep down inside you just wanted some attention and knew you were leading the guy on.

 

I didn't read anywhere in her posts that she was objecting to him trying to kiss her.... once.

 

It was his insistence... and refusal to stop after the first 'no' that she was objecting to.. and what other posters here have objected to.

 

She should not have to censure her behavior because he doesn't know how to act appropriately. I also don't see how she 'led him on'... to the extent that anyone really believes she was supposed to accept his repeated advances.

[ThsAmericanLife]

they do have that right. but most ladies are turned off by guys who dont go for it quickly.

 

Not sure what you mean by 'go for it'.

 

And I'm not sure what you mean by 'most'. As the OP stated, she knew him for an hour. I certainly am not 'turned off' when a man shows some other gesture of affection besides going for a kiss.

 

In fact, I've refused second dates to men who aggressively 'swoop in' for a kiss on the first date. These men aren't interested in getting to know me. They just want a quick f*ck. So our goals aren't compatible.

 

Obviously, the goals of this guy and the OP are not compatible either. It is incorrect to assume what 'most' women want. This guy figured that out too... and his butt is now curb-shaped.

[omkara]

I just have to point this out because I know carhill won't. He's a much better man than I am.

 

Nothing I say is "inflammatory bullshyte".

 

Actually...

 

And who is going to moderate you? It's ok for you to be a smart ass and when it gets dished back at you you threaten them with your forum powers.How freaking pathetic.

 

You don't make personal attacks on people. Especially not on an moderator who can give your ass the boot. End of story.

 

I don't know what is more disturbing, the man that almost date raped the OP, or the bitter posters in here justifying his disrespectful behavior.

 

Not only was that inflammatory, but how DARE you compare a simple kiss to being date raped! WTF is wrong with you?

 

You people are the types that say "She was wearing a mini skirt, so she was asking to be raped," or no, how about, "She was talking back to her husband so she made HIM beat her to a bloody pulp."

 

Shameless *******s.

 

Sounds like some inflammatory bull**** to me.

 

Carhill is much nicer than I am. I would've gave you a spanking.

Edited September 15, 2011 by omkara

[omkara]

WTF is wrong with YOU? I don't give a **** what you think about anything I gotta say. You think you're special or something? You think you're tough?

 

LOL @ "spanking". lol @ you for trying to act like an internet thug. Wow everyone, he is sooo cool.

 

DO something, you little bitch. I didn't think so.

 

Now shut the **** up.

 

OK, Johnny Hardcore, I think you've proved your manliness.

[PinkInTheLimo]

In fact, I've refused second dates to men who aggressively 'swoop in' for a kiss on the first date. These men aren't interested in getting to know me. They just want a quick f*ck. So our goals aren't compatible.

 

Same here. On a first date the context is rarely already a romantic one. So if a guy attacks you with a kiss, it means that he just cares about his own agenda and has no feeling at all for the atmosphere of the date. It's like the elephant who steps into the porselain cabinet.

 

I and other women I know are very sensitive to the timing of a guy.