He kept trying to kiss me...

[Country_Girl]

^^^

My god, one can't make a sarcastic immature joke anymore? When I was 12, I did not know the term "motorboat" yet. However, kids these days are way ahead of schedule.

 

Ok, then throw away the immature motorboat comment, u were calling her a tease. I don't sit well with that. Agreeing to a "hang out", "date" or whatever- does not mean you have to connect on any physical level.

[carhill]

My first date after separating, with a lady met online, began with a warm hug upon meeting and ended with a simple and polite kiss upon parting. This was someone whom I had never met before, did not know much about, didn't meet at a bus stop, didn't get a number, yada yada. It wasn't like I was groping her. In fact, she initiated the hug when we met outside the restaurant. Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on simple human contact. The OP invited the guy, heretofore a stranger, out. Jeez.

[omkara]

My first date after separating, with a lady met online, began with a warm hug upon meeting and ended with a simple and polite kiss upon parting. This was someone whom I had never met before, did not know much about, didn't meet at a bus stop, didn't get a number, yada yada. It wasn't like I was groping her. In fact, she initiated the hug when we met outside the restaurant. Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on simple human contact. The OP invited the guy, heretofore a stranger, out. Jeez.

 

I bet you and your date were also much older and more comfortable with human contact than OP too. We can't base how everyone should react to a kiss off of your experience alone.

 

I'm just dealing with this thing on a respect level. If the guy attempted one kiss and OP refused, and he immediately stopped trying, then I'd be right with you. But if he kept going at it like OP says he did, after she repeatedly told him to stop, it doesn't seem fair to completely side with him.

 

Trust me, I'm half European, I know what simple human contact is all about, we're very touchy-feely people. But OP was probably born in America, where even an unwelcomed handshake is weird.

Edited September 13, 2011 by omkara

[carhill]

From my readings, I'll bet the OP has kissed and sexed more young men in her years than I have in mine. OP, true? She's no wallflower. And we're both Americans.

 

FTR, I'm not siding with him, rather explaining where the impetus of his actions, though misguided, comes from. Could he have handled things in a healthier way? Sure. I would have smiled, ended contact and never given the lady a second thought. I've done that on a number of occasions. No prejudice. He's young. I was once too and made similar mistakes. Hopefully, as I suggested, he can now embrace a life of peace and tranquility, kissing only women who wish to be kissed.

[omkara]

I don't like to make assumptions. I work with what I have. If she's been around the block, then shame on her for not knowing any better.

[carhill]

When in doubt, I peruse the poster's past threads. Usually, good insight can be gleaned from them, if nothing else a 'tone' or 'overview' of their experience and concerns. I don't post threads so it's a little bit more difficult, but then I don't generally bring relationship issues here either.

[rafallus]

What's the big deal actually?

 

He was probably awkward in the way he pursued, hence kissing felt forced. And I don't think OP was set on going out "purely as friends" from the beginning, more like she rationalized it after a kissing failure, that this man belongs to "Never happening" category.

 

In the end, he pursued you awkwardly, you rejected him, you're obviously free to move on. What's the problem again?

 

And yes, I had it happening, when I got pushed away from kiss, and after several minutes, it was the girl who was initiating the make out.

[proactivedreamer]

Perhaps I am understating how I felt about what occurred between me and this man who I have only know a week. Now, sure, as Carhill pointed out, I do have some experience with, but it is VERY limited. As I made mention in one of my earlier post, I was hesitant to give him my number,however, there are many reasons why I did. My initial intentions have stayed the same since I started these exchanges with him, and I don't think it is fair to assume otherwise. He is a well rounded guy from what I could gather, so I thought why not try to develop a friendship with him. It has been my experience that men always assume that I want more than friendship, and,in most cases, I do not want more than friendship. I don't fall in love easily. I have only had two serious relationships, and have dated a total of 7 men-I am 25 years old, so ,no, I don't always know how to respond to the actions of men vying for my affection. I just thought the guy was sort of awesome, and it was cool to speak of the contrast between our two worlds. Perhaps, something could have happened, but it wasn't going to happen tonight because sometimes it takes to time to build to that. As a man, he should be vigilant about making sure a woman never feels menaced when she is alone with him. I have no problems with physical contact that is not the issue. I have spent some time abroad in Europe, so being close was not the problem. The problem is that he made an advance, and I said no. I said it verbally and physically, but he continued to try. It is my fault. It is possible had I been more attracted to him, I may have responded differently. I don't know.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Ok, I tried to refrain from responding to this particular response, but no I am not a tease in any way. I would actually say I come off as rather conservative. I don't think I am all that provocative either. I guess I have a pretty face and I am petite, so I am use to a lot of male attention, but I don't think I have mind blowing sex appeal. I met this guy last week at the bus stop. He asked me for my number; I hesitated, but I decided to be friendly. We texted throughout the week. I asked him if he would like to meet for coffee or tea some time. I did tell him that I am just out of a relationship, but I did not specify that I wasn't looking for another one-my fault clearly. However, I did not feel that I acted as if I wanted anything more than just to talk. I think there are signs if there is something more being communicated, and I did not communicate that I was interested in him in that way. This whole thing jolted me a little, and I felt very uncomfortable. I just wanted to make a friend out of him.

 

If the guy is single, I wouldn't fault him for trying a kiss.

 

However, persisting is extremely disrespectful. I suppose that some guys don't know how to take no for answer. This is not someone you need to see again, obviously.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I don't really care anymore. You're right. But had that been me, I would've planted a seed and waited for it to grow before going all kissy face. Some men have no class.

 

I agree. Yea... like maybe he could have waited until the second date??

 

... attempting to dive down her throat on the first date shows zero class.

 

There are a million other gestures a man can make that show sexual interest (and she can respond to as well) in the very early stages of a relationship.

[omkara]

And I don't think OP was set on going out "purely as friends" from the beginning' date='[/quote']

 

Well, actually...

 

I just wanted to make a friend out of him.

[motive2002]

why not try to develop a friendship with him. It has been my experience that men always assume that I want more than friendship, and,in most cases, I do not want more than friendship.

 

So basically you're a tease. I'm not trying to offend you, but maybe you should take a closer look at your own behavior. Obviously there's an established pattern based on this post. The only common denominator in your interactions with men is you.

 

So I'll say what's been said before: If a man approaches you and asks for your number, it's NOT because he wants to be "just friends".

 

And it's not a gender specific thing. Never have I been pursued by a woman just for friendship. The exception being if it's strictly business.

 

If there is any ambiguity about "his" intentions, simply ask what they are, and tell them what yours are. If he asks for a number, for example, you should tell him right then and there that if you accept its for FRIENDSHIP ONLY and that you are not interested in anything else.

 

I think that a 25-year old attractive woman should already know all of this by now. If you give a main a small grain of hope that he can get with you he will take that and run with it if he's interested. Make your intentions very clear from the beginning and you won't have to deal with awkward situations.

[mtber75]

A guy who ask for your number at a bus stop is clearly a knuckle bragger!!!

They're not that smart and patient enough to wait...So say away from them!

[rafallus]

Well, actually...

 

And everything OP says now about him, is likely to be skewed/biased/warped by negative and awkward emotions felt during the "date". What would it be without all this awkwardness? We shall never know (not even OP, as marked in one of her responses).

 

Let's ignore this elephant in the room for a while and assume she was indeed out only to make friends. Then lesson is obvious:

 

don't try to make friends out of guys attracted to you.

 

Maybe, maybe, maybe, they would eventually understand, give up what they first wanted and settle for friendship, but more likely outcome - they'd look for loopholes to get what they want. If you just met them, they don't know you, what would make you so special to give up their "dreams" for someone they don't know, but just looks attractive? Even if you made it clear, you go as friends, it's likely they (I would) just assumed you're bluffing and it's prone to change (certainly NOT unreasonable assumption, and it had happen to me over time in some cases), if they play their cards right. Guy in question got that last part wrong, though.

 

And if they go for "friends" deal, secretly wanting to get in your pants all along... well, is that what you want? I'd guess not.

 

So try gay/taken/indifferent guys. They may not come to you on their own though, expect to put more effort, if that is what you want.

Edited September 14, 2011 by rafallus

[proactivedreamer]

The last few posters did not get why I was upset. Thanks for the lack of insightful responses. I had only been with the guy for one hour, and he tried to repeatedly kiss me, even after I had refused him. How hard is that to understand? His behavior is what is on the stand, not me. I am not being impartial, and I have not distored what occurred. I am not a tease. I am not a seductess. Some of you have too many assumptions about who I may be, and how I have may have acted. It seems like some of you are condoning his behavior.

[PinkInTheLimo]

OP, you're an experienced woman, or appear to have a goodly amount of social experience with men, if a brief perusal of your past threads is accurate.

 

Resolve from this day forward to accept that no man will ask you for your number or overtly approach you for anything other than to date you. It's a really good rule to follow. Respond as you deem appropriate.

 

The man in your OP was simply doing what any healthy man will want to do when with an attractive woman. Perhaps he was a bit clumsy in this pursuit but IMO he left no ambiguity as to his intentions. Further, he has successfully avoided the 'friend-zone', a prison no healthy man wants nor enjoys. Of course, his approach, due to him not being attractive to you, became a negative and you will have no further contact with him. For him, this is good. He didn't invest any interest or emotion in a woman who saw him merely as a 'friend'. He hopefully has good friends and will continue to invest in them.

 

Win-win, IMO. You learned that effective communication can help avoid such 'misunderstandings' and he is free to pursue a life of peace and tranquility. Good luck

 

You should not generalise. A man who tries to kiss a woman he just met a week before at the bus stop on their first meeting (I would not even call it a date if you know so little about each other) uses the wrong approach. Every man who ever tried to kiss me on a first date, never made it to a second date. Had nothing to do with him being attractive or not. Because it comes across as being way too much in a hurry and not being prepared to actually get to know me. I simply do not trust a guy who tries to kiss me on a first date because the odds are that he tries this with every woman he meets. A kiss should be something special, after you have feelings for each other. You can't have feelings on a first date, only superficial attraction.

 

The friendzone is a necessary phase men have to go through with some women. Having the experience I have, I will never start a relationship with someone who was not a friend first.

[PinkInTheLimo]

The last few posters did not get why I was upset. Thanks for the lack of insightful responses. I had only been with the guy for one hour, and he tried to repeatedly kiss me, even after I had refused him. How hard is that to understand? His behavior is what is on the stand, not me. I am not being impartial, and I have not distored what occurred. I am not a tease. I am not a seductess. Some of you have too many assumptions about who I may be, and how I have may have acted. It seems like some of you are condoning his behavior.

 

I don't condone it! First of all, it was way too soon and secondly, if you say "No", then that means "No". He did not respect the clear boundaries you gave him.

[carhill]

You should not generalise.

I always generalize. It's a discussion forum. If my generalization doesn't apply, ignore it.

 

In 52 years, no female friend has ever become a lover/girlfriend or wife. I've listed a few dozen datapoints over the years. I'll be happy to post a comprehensive list with specific reasons that they gave why.

 

'Brother' is the most common word I've heard. The next most common is 'why is my brother trying to kiss me like that? Gross!'

 

No thanks.

 

I hope that's specific enough for you.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I always generalize. It's a discussion forum. If my generalization doesn't apply, ignore it.

 

In 52 years, no female friend has ever become a lover/girlfriend or wife. I've listed a few dozen datapoints over the years. I'll be happy to post a comprehensive list with specific reasons that they gave why.

 

'Brother' is the most common word I've heard. The next most common is 'why is my brother trying to kiss me like that? Gross!'

 

No thanks.

 

I hope that's specific enough for you.

 

You are being rude. I gave you my opinion to show you that your generalisations do not apply to all women. That's all. No need for your "I know it better" tone. Now that is something unattractive especially coming from a guy in his 50-ies as it really has a high "grumpy old man" smell to it...

 

A man who tries to kiss me on a first date, will be banned to the "no friend" zone = "no more date" zone.

I am not the only woman who feels likes that.

 

The thing is, I find putting your tongue in someone's mouth a pretty intimate thing. I have to really really like a man before I let him do that and return the favour, and I definitely cannot decide this after one hour.

 

Never called a guy "brother" BTW.

[Imajerk17]

Now if this guy had studied PUA stuff, he would NOT have forced himself on her as a horny desperate chump. He might have, *might* have been much smoother so that she would have liked him. But anyway....

 

Trying to kiss you once was fine. That he kept trying over and over after you told him no was bad. No means no, end of story.

[rafallus]

The friendzone is a necessary phase men have to go through with some women.

 

But those women absolutely aren't necessary for any men to go through.

[carhill]

You are being rude.

You're telling me what to do, lady. If you want rude, I'll be happy to go there. Up to you.

 

And this grumpy old man doesn't like your personal attacks.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You're telling me what to do, lady. If you want rude, I'll be happy to go there. Up to you.

 

And this grumpy old man doesn't like your personal attacks.

 

Well, if you don't like them, use another tone...

[carhill]

No, you stick to the topic and avoid personal attacks. Otherwise, you'll get moderated.

[ja123]

OP, can I assume that you were potentially interested in dating him when you gave him your phone number, but then during the hour you spent with him (including his unsolicited advances) were what turned you off and relegated him to friend-material or not-see-ever-again material?