Nobody can love you till you love yourself.

[SillyS]

If you don't love yourself, you also make it impossible for accept that another could feel those things for you. It's not conceivable to you, and then in turn, end up ruining relationships and feelings others might have for you in the process.

 

This should always be the first step. Otherwise life will be like quick sand for an individual. If you don't love yourself, you will always try to keep the other person by doing things that are not achievable for yourself (fear of losing the person), you will not accept the love the other person is giving you and at the end of the day--the relationship will sink as will that person.

 

It's a lot of fun to love someone that doesn't love themselves, asking yourself why they don't see how special and amazing they are and really in the end being told that you are an evil b*** that ****ed up their life! I recommend engaging in less dangerous activities like swimming with sharks!

[somedude81]

I like this discussion.

 

While I agree that nobody really loves themselves 100% I have seen enough self loathing to understand how important it is to at least accept yourself. And learn to let go at times and move on.

 

What trips me up sometimes are the more subtle jabs, i.e. making jokes like "Is that your other girlfriend calling you?" or "You are just using me until you find something better" followed by a smile, a wink and a big "just kidding!"

 

Sometimes I wonder if it really is NOT kidding and deep insecurities hiding behind sarcasm.

 

Of course, some times I tent to over think things.

The self-loathing is a bad sign. Anybody who publicly puts themselves down scares other people away.

 

That's why I'm very careful to not say anything bad about myself when others may be listening.

 

Interesting take on the jokes and scarcasm. I know that's a type of humor, self something but I can't remember the full name.

If you don't love yourself, you also make it impossible for accept that another could feel those things for you. It's not conceivable to you, and then in turn, end up ruining relationships and feelings others might have for you in the process.

I don't agree with that at all.

 

I have little love for myself and I would be ecstatic to find out that somebody I liked had feelings for me.

If you don't love yourself, you will always try to keep the other person by doing things that are not achievable for yourself (fear of losing the person),

Can you explain this.

 

 

It's a lot of fun to love someone that doesn't love themselves, asking yourself why they don't see how special and amazing they are and really in the end being told that you are an evil b*** that ****ed up their life! I recommend engaging in less dangerous activities like swimming with sharks!

I take it you've experienced this firsthand? How did you try to show that person that they were amazing and special? How did he react?

 

I believe that the main reason I don't love myself, is because nobody has ever loved me. And then I kept getting told over and over, that nobody can love me till I love myself.

 

Maybe I should put things differently, nobody has tried to love me. Surely that doesn't require me to love myself first right?

[grkBoy]

Can anybody tell me why this isn't a huge load of BS?

 

Whenever I've had feelings for a girl, I've never once wondered if she loved herself or not.

 

As long as she isn't doing things to hurt herself or isn't a constant downer, I don't care if she doesn't think she's the best thing on Earth.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but most people have something about themselves that they don't like. That's normal.

 

Frankly, when you're the one being pursued, like most women are, then the statement mainly comes into play when she acts flaky and shows how much baggage she has.

 

So she'll have a bad day at work, feel insecure, and then decide to break up with her boyfriend because she feels trapped, bothered, unsure of what she wants, feels like she doesn't deserve him, etc.

 

She doesn't love herself, and it's why she constantly messes up RLs. Same with the girls who keep bypassing even good looking "good men" and instead chases a******s and playas.

 

 

For guys, since we have to be the ones to chase, the problem hits when a guy who doesn't love himself (truly, not in a narcissistic way) seeks a woman because he feels like her love for him will take care of that missing element.

 

Every approach he does is a mess and often these guys are doormat nice guys or creepy weirdos. They try and try and try and try to get a woman to love him so they feel validation, but they still cannot find how to love themselves. They still think they're ugly, undesirable, unwanted, scorned, etc.

 

The ones who end up getting a girl mess up even because they either get royally jealous/possessive, or clingy/needy, or like the women I mentioned...they push their SO away emotionally.

 

I know that I kept failing with women until I found how to love myself and be happy with who I am as a person. When I learned to love myself and be happy with myself...that's when I met Ms Right.

[Movingthrough]

 

Being alone will be as healthy and fulfilling as being in a

relationship.

 

 

This is the point of "loving yourself". I know that i would spend days thinking of my ex, everything i did would somehow connect to her. I found myself thinking that if i was happy where i was at and with what i was doing, then it wouldnt matter what was up with her. For some reason as humans we kind of use other people to validate ourselves, more people are happy knowing someone "loves" them then being alone. So, the whole love yourself thing is accurate, but some of it does come to a connection, two people that want each other.

[somedude81]

Frankly, when you're the one being pursued, like most women are, then the statement mainly comes into play when she acts flaky and shows how much baggage she has.

 

So she'll have a bad day at work, feel insecure, and then decide to break up with her boyfriend because she feels trapped, bothered, unsure of what she wants, feels like she doesn't deserve him, etc.

 

She doesn't love herself, and it's why she constantly messes up RLs. Same with the girls who keep bypassing even good looking "good men" and instead chases a******s and playas.

Oh, that really explains this thread.

 

Nothing she said made any sense to me.

 

So that is one downfall of trying to have a relationship with a woman who doesn't love herself.

For guys, since we have to be the ones to chase, the problem hits when a guy who doesn't love himself (truly, not in a narcissistic way) seeks a woman because he feels like her love for him will take care of that missing element.

That's exactly how I feel.

 

Every approach he does is a mess and often these guys are doormat nice guys or creepy weirdos. They try and try and try and try to get a woman to love him so they feel validation, but they still cannot find how to love themselves. They still think they're ugly, undesirable, unwanted, scorned, etc.

Of course they can't find how to love themselves and think they're undesirable etc if they keep failing.

 

The ones who end up getting a girl mess up even because they either get royally jealous/possessive, or clingy/needy, or like the women I mentioned...they push their SO away emotionally.

So the thing to watch out for is not to become jealous/possessive, or clingy/needy.

 

I am definitely aware of those feelings for the current girl I'm infatuated with and we're not even dating. If we were, those feelings would be immensely magnified. But I'm aware that they can scare a girl off so I would have to keep them in check.

I know that I kept failing with women until I found how to love myself and be happy with who I am as a person. When I learned to love myself and be happy with myself...that's when I met Ms Right.

How did you fail with women when you didn't love yourself?

[SillyS]

The self-loathing is a bad sign. Anybody who

I don't agree with that at all.

 

I have little love for myself and I would be ecstatic to find out that somebody I liked had feelings for me.

 

I was just speaking of my personal experiences. My ex was at first like that, felt lucky to have found me and really was grateful for the love I was showing him everyday. But sometimes it would just come out, that he didn't accept my love in general. He wasn't trying to be hurtful to me by all means, but he really couldn't fathom why I wanted to spent time with him or why I wanted to spent my life with him. It's was hurtful to me, but I mean how sad is that to think so little of yourself that you assume when someone says they want eternity and to spent time with you that you think....it is obviously something else.

 

I'm happy when someone else loves me as well. But I also know I'm a good person with a kind heart, and that this person is also lucky to have me.

 

Can you explain this.

 

Personal experience as well. He was always working so hard to keep me and in doing so, hurt himself through achieving that. If you don't love yourself, in my opinion, it's just so easy for another person to overwhelm you, overpower you. He was never able to say, I love you but I love me as well, and this is not in the interest of myself.

 

I take it you've experienced this firsthand? How did you try to show that person that they were amazing and special? How did he react?

 

I believe that the main reason I don't love myself, is because nobody has ever loved me. And then I kept getting told over and over, that nobody can love me till I love myself.

 

Maybe I should put things differently, nobody has tried to love me. Surely that doesn't require me to love myself first right?

 

I tried to show him through my actions first. I didn't say anything I didn't mean, but I was just there for him when he was going through a difficult time in his life as he went blind in one eye for a period of time and couldn't work. So I was there, tried to keep his spirits up, and made sure he had someone to hold his hand when no one else did at the time. I had told him many times that he was special and amazing to me, and beyond the hurt, disappointment, sadness and even self-destruction...I just loved him for the person he rarely led anyone see. So I tried as often as possible to bring out that person, so everyone else in his life could see the happy, easy going and goofy person. His relationship with his family changed, he started to go back to work, and made a few more friends etc. I hope he always knows, that his family/friends and I will always love him regardless.

 

Don't start with love, start with liking yourself. What do you like about yourself? What would you not change about yourself if you could? We typically don't run till we walk at least. We spent our entire lives doing this and getting better at it. Stop focusing on factors often outside your own control, and focus on yourself. We don't know who or when someone will walk into your life...but in the meantime, you can work on yourself and learn to love the person you are or become that person.

[grkBoy]

Oh, that really explains this thread.

 

Nothing she said made any sense to me.

 

So that is one downfall of trying to have a relationship with a woman who doesn't love herself.

 

Exactly. I've been in situations like that where a girl who seems totally into me one day just does a sudden 180 and now wants to end it or something for no reason other than things like "I need space" or "I don't know what I want". Usually then the girl remains single and keeps having these short things with other guys, or chases jerks because she seemingly finds comfort and familiarity in being treated like garbage.

 

 

That's exactly how I feel.

 

I used to be that way to a degree, and I was in denial about it. I've had colleagues who also are deeply like that. They treat "find a woman" as the biggest priority of their lives.

 

Most of the "women suck!" and "woe is me" men on this forum are like this.

 

 

So the thing to watch out for is not to become jealous/possessive, or clingy/needy.

 

I am definitely aware of those feelings for the current girl I'm infatuated with and we're not even dating. If we were, those feelings would be immensely magnified. But I'm aware that they can scare a girl off so I would have to keep them in check.

 

The one thing many guys in this mentality do when they finally land a woman is they treat her like a coveted rare gem. They want to smother her with love and cling to her, thinking she'll adore it...and especially she'll never leave him, thus he feels like "somebody" because he has a girlfriend. I've seen the most insecure guys literally think they won the lottery just because they have someone. And they use that term "have someone", as if all that matters is a pretty or decent-looking woman is in his life...regardless of who she is or what she's like.

 

Women push guys like this away because it doesn't feel like dating/fun. It feels like being idolized/worshiped by some weirdo. Turn it around and imagine the guy instead gets all angry/jealous when even a guy looks at her funny...and she feels more like she's in this cage in a dark dungeon. Again, not fun.

 

Look at every bully a*****e type and you'll really see this insecurity and lack of self-love. Many will even shroud it with narcissism to make it appear that they love themselves.

 

I'll be honest, when I met my now fiance, I didn't care if she stayed with me or not. I was at the point that I was sick of working myself into a frenzy on the days when women get "hot and cold". I had just decided to see her and have fun with her until she flaked out like all the others.

 

What made me stay and commit is that she didn't flake. Even on a bad day when she was stressed and even had past pains of her failed marriage come into her head...she never once questioned our RL. She was sad, needed a hug, a friend, someone to talk to, but she never once thought she should break up with me and see other guys. That among many things is why I bought her a diamond ring.

 

I would tell many men and women to death here that you need to build that solid structure where you truly do love yourself as a person and can fulfill yourself in life. Treat a SO as an added bonus. If my fiance gave me the ring back and ran away, I'd be sad for a bit, but I'd move on...simply because I refuse to let anyone hurt me anymore. I refuse to place my valuation on if I have someone in my life.

 

That...is what women want in a man. It's even what many men want in a woman. They want to be the companion, but not his/her only reason for living.

 

 

How did you fail with women when you didn't love yourself?

 

Most of the time, I'd go from "talking to them" to "actively pursuing". I'd see too much into things, and take moments where they were friendly, or even drunk and flirty, and think they wanted me. I'd pursue many women who didn't love themselves, and thus it became bigger messes.

 

When I was with someone, I'd try to be this perfect gentleman, but I'd still try too hard to make things work...especially in many times when I should have ended the RL instead.

 

I unfortunately had to go through a lot of pain and anguish to finally find myself. It's that time when I decided to plan my life on the idea that I'd never find someone. I still say that day I felt very liberated and free. The pain and pressure lifted away and I felt like I was in charge of my life.

[heartbaitdotcom]

Loving yourself means having respect for yourself. If you don't love yourself, you're always seeking to have others love you and APPROVE of you - in turn, you come across DESPERATE. The more you love yourself, the less likely you are to accept trash in your life and the less likely you are to allow yourself to be treated LESS than what you deserve.