somedude81 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Can anybody tell me why this isn't a huge load of BS? Whenever I've had feelings for a girl, I've never once wondered if she loved herself or not. As long as she isn't doing things to hurt herself or isn't a constant downer, I don't care if she doesn't think she's the best thing on Earth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most people have something about themselves that they don't like. That's normal.
Imageiko Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If you have a negative self image or dislike many or large parts of yourself it's going to come through to the other person no matter how good of an actor you think you are. Negativity and self loathing is a big turn off usually. It might not even be something obvious you notice, it'll be subtle comments or how you phrase things that'll send the cue that you aren't much of a catch. Nobody knows you better than you and if you don't even like yourself then they are probably going to take your word for it and not bother.
sm1tten Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Loving yourself doesn't mean that you have to love each and every single thing about yourself or think that you are the "best thing on Earth." I think people inject that phrase with too much meaning. One doesn't need to be perfectly well-adjusted and 100% mentally/physically healthy and happy and with high levels of confidence in order to attract or be in a successful relationship - those are ideals and we all fall somewhere on the spectrum. My goal is to be balanced in more areas of my life on the positive side of the scale than the negative. And then I attract people who are similar.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 That's part true. If you don't like yourself, you're probably not looking too good, which is in turn is related to people not liking you. Me, I like myself, but I think women might not like me. But not all of them
Badsingularity Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Image is correct, but I want to stress to you that men and women are different. Our brains literally work in a very different way when it comes to how we are sexually attracted to one another and you are going to have to understand and accept this if you ever want to have successful relationships with women. In order for a woman to feel sexual feelings for you, you have to atleast love yourself a little. The more you love yourself the more sexaul attraction she will feel for you. When I say love yourself I mean that you have to have a deep inner strength, a belief in yourself, a calm, and yes a confidence. I also used to believe that you need external validation for this, but you don't. You can find it within yourself. This is not something you can obtain over night. It took me around 4 or 5 years to find it myself, but if you take heart to what people like teknoe are telling you and listen to them and start believing in yourself more and more over time, women will sense it and respond. YES THEY CAN SENSE IT! and they can also sense negativity and self loathing. Also, just so you know, I also used to think the same way you did and I was in the same boat. Tired of typing now. Listen to Teknoe and Image and others who are telling you the same thing. You just need to follow their advice with patience.
phineas Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I think i'm going to love myself tonight. Probably tomorrow night also. A really slutty looking temp today was hanging out just outside the cube I was working in & kept glancing my way then said "hi" to me out of the blue. Hommina hommina hommina Oh wait, you wern't talking about it THAT way. Here is this, anytime a woman talks badly about herself (she's fat, small boobs) whatever, BEFORE SEX, she isn't interested in you. A woman would never talk like that in front of a guy she wanted. she's be afraid to say anything that would turn you off. When she starts it up after sex then she really is insecure. My experiance. That's the closest I can come to understanding the whole "love yourself" thing.
Badsingularity Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 One more thing. You seem to not give too much weight to what Teknoe was saying because he doesn't have a GF at the moment. Well I do and I have been with her for years. Also, I get signals of attraction from the majority of women I spend more than 30 seconds talking too. It may sound arrogant but its true and believe me I have nothing to prove. I'm only saying that so that you may give more weight to what he and I are saying. One other thing. I am 5' 9" and around 240 lbs at the moment. So I am not some super tall model dude.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 @badsingularity I'm 5'11 , 170 shredded pounds and don't have a girlfriend. With me it is an intentional mental thing. I thought of avoiding women until I get real wealthy.....well, I'm kinda changing my mind on that. Enough with that Spartan-military ****. I need a girl.
Badsingularity Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 @badsingularity I'm 5'11 , 170 shredded pounds and don't have a girlfriend. With me it is an intentional mental thing. I thought of avoiding women until I get real wealthy.....well, I'm kinda changing my mind on that. Enough with that Spartan-military ****. I need a girl. Sounds like you've got things under control. Women tend to like that. Yeah, girls are pretty cool. They can make you happy in....numerous ways...especially if you find a realy cool one.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If you love yourself, how others feel about you won't matter. People will become interchangeable. Their love or dearth of love will be accepted without prejudice. Being alone will be as healthy and fulfilling as being in a relationship. Having made the mistake of loving enough women who loathed themselves, it is a path I will not walk again. So, unlike the assertion in the OP, I will care that they demonstrate self-love and self-acceptance and worthiness to be loved. Definitely. Or, I will remain alone and enjoy the valuable friends which life and my own self-love has provided.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 @carhill Spoken like a true boss. I like your frame of mind, we're on the same page.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Also, I get signals of attraction from the majority of women I spend more than 30 seconds talking too. It may sound arrogant but its true and believe me I have nothing to prove. I'm only saying that so that you may give more weight to what he and I are saying. One other thing. I am 5' 9" and around 240 lbs at the moment. So I am not some super tall model dude. You are probably borderline delusional. My dad also thinks every woman he talks to is flirting with him. I think that if you become single and try to actually make something happen, you would discover that those women were only being polite with no sexual interest whatsoever.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Yes, it's been difficult but I've had to discount kissing, groping and ILY's as signs of interest too. Women can be a bit difficult to understand at times I've come to believe that the only true knowledge of sincere 'interest' will occur when a particular woman is holding my hand and looking into my eyes as I die. Everything prior is a particularly bad romance novel.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 @ES Yep. LOL @ fellers who think girls are flirting with them at the first sight. I've gotten so skeptical over the "signals" that I can no longer tell what is going on unless the girl grabs my butt or is constantly leaning against me.
denise_xo Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Can anybody tell me why this isn't a huge load of BS? Whenever I've had feelings for a girl, I've never once wondered if she loved herself or not. As long as she isn't doing things to hurt herself or isn't a constant downer, I don't care if she doesn't think she's the best thing on Earth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most people have something about themselves that they don't like. That's normal. The key point isn't that you should care whether she loves herself or not. The point is that a person who doesn't accept/love her- or himself usually has problems with functioning healthily in a relationship in the long run, and brings a lot of negative complications into the equation, such as being reliant on excessive validation from the outside which will by definition never completely satisfy him/her. That's not to say that outside validation isn't important - of course it is. But there has to be a healthy core at base in individuals for them to function well in human relationships. So, to be able to healthily accept love in a long term perspective, you need to have some love for yourself to begin with. There's a mutual relationship here - some of the love and acceptance that I have for myself today have been partially built because certain people have offered me real love. But in general you need both. IMO, it's not BS at all. A lot of the threads started here on LS originate from people not taking their self worth seriously.
Badsingularity Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Asking me to go out to their car so they can do things to me, buying me drinks, giving me their cards and phone numbers without me asking for them, brushing their boobs on me, asking me to play pool with them alone, telling me how handsome they think I am, coming up behind me and blowing on my neck (crazy I know), being directly asked out. I could go on. Your right. None of those are signs of interest. I'm just deluded. If were single again i would have no problems. Several girls were interested in me when I started dating my GF. By the way. I would have agreed with you if I had said all women were attracted to me, but I didn't I said the majority wich means over half.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 What state do you live in, badsingluraty? I might move there.
omkara Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Loving one's self goes beyond just a few insecurities. It means that you should be able to sustain yourself with or without your significant other. That means mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. To love someone means to care for them, and you can't care for them unless you continue to take care of yourself. Therefore, someone cannot possible love you knowing that your love for them is preventing you from loving yourself. Does this help OP?
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 ^^^ Boss strikes again. But it is still fun to have a thing with women...both emotional and physical. I've done some great entertaining stuff on my own, but nothing really comes close to hormonal changes you get when you're in love or in sorrow over someone. Forget the sorrow, cause I just solved that little mystery few hours ago.
Badsingularity Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 What state do you live in, badsingluraty? I might move there. :laugh:i live in Texas man. I haven't always gotten those kind of signals. When I was younger I could hardly get a women to look my direction. I learned alot sence then. I know more about how a women becomes sexually attracted to a man than some women know themselves. Notice, I said SOME ladies. I know many of yall are very smart and have it all figured out.
omkara Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Haha, mrgoodcat! I mean, if you're feeling masochistic, you can try the whole, "I-CAN'T-BREATH-WITHOUT-YOU," Romeo and Juliet kind of love. But we all know how that story ends.
mrgoodcat Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I dig Romeo and Juliet, especially one with Leo Dicap. Hell, Titanic is one of my top 10 all time movies, and it will be released in 3D, so I need a date to go see it. I am not going there alone. Everyone knows it's a DATE-MUST movie.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 So far, being the kind of person who loves movies like Titanic hasn't inspired much love from the ladies, so loving oneself appears to be paramount in such situations. I recall my exW buying me the DVD but she'd never watch it with me, as one example. It's no surprise I got that DVD in the divorce. Perhaps new eyes can help me set sail non-solo on April 6, 2012
OriginalPenguin Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I like this discussion. While I agree that nobody really loves themselves 100% I have seen enough self loathing to understand how important it is to at least accept yourself. And learn to let go at times and move on. What trips me up sometimes are the more subtle jabs, i.e. making jokes like "Is that your other girlfriend calling you?" or "You are just using me until you find something better" followed by a smile, a wink and a big "just kidding!" Sometimes I wonder if it really is NOT kidding and deep insecurities hiding behind sarcasm. Of course, some times I tent to over think things.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Carhill is right. It depends on how you look at it. If you dislike yourself, how can you expect anybody else to like you? It's all in the context.
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