My best friend is demanding a favour..

[LilThalie]

I got a problem with a friend, she wants me to contact my ex and ask him something about the place he worked at last winter because they offered her a job.

 

She's my best friend and I find this so inconsiderate, I hardly find words to express that to her. She knows my ex, so she could very well contact him without me getting involved. My ex and I broke up a little over two months ago and there's been a lot of drama, it was quite messy. Anyway, I leaned on my best friend pretty heavily the first few weeks after the break up. I couldn't find any other subject to talk than him, the break up, the relationship. I didn't spend any attention to troubles or problems that she might have had during that time. I realized it wasn't ok to be this absorbed in the subject. Well, she stopped talking to me for a couple of days back then, I got my act together and have been managing with the break up alone since.

We went on a two week vacation together and talked about a lot of stuff including this, so I opened up about my ex to her again. I told her that he messaged me a couple of times during the last week throwing out some ridiculous bread crumps. And I also told her I didn't want to reply to his messages because I felt they weren't worthy of an answer and that in general I have no desire to talk to my ex right now.

 

Now she wants me to ask him this. She could so ask this herself. He's a nice guy and I would ask him if things weren't so messed up between us. She knows everything about the mutual "I want to be with you but I can't"story of me and my ex. She knows that I do not want him out of my life forever but she also knows that I feel that it's much too early for me to break NC.

But she says that I owe her this friendship favour and should go ask him.

 

What should I do?

[KathyM]

I got a problem with a friend, she wants me to contact my ex and ask him something about the place he worked at last winter because they offered her a job.

 

She's my best friend and I find this so inconsiderate, I hardly find words to express that to her. She knows my ex, so she could very well contact him without me getting involved. My ex and I broke up a little over two months ago and there's been a lot of drama, it was quite messy. Anyway, I leaned on my best friend pretty heavily the first few weeks after the break up. I couldn't find any other subject to talk than him, the break up, the relationship. I didn't spend any attention to troubles or problems that she might have had during that time. I realized it wasn't ok to be this absorbed in the subject. Well, she stopped talking to me for a couple of days back then, I got my act together and have been managing with the break up alone since.

We went on a two week vacation together and talked about a lot of stuff including this, so I opened up about my ex to her again. I told her that he messaged me a couple of times during the last week throwing out some ridiculous bread crumps. And I also told her I didn't want to reply to his messages because I felt they weren't worthy of an answer and that in general I have no desire to talk to my ex right now.

 

Now she wants me to ask him this. She could so ask this herself. He's a nice guy and I would ask him if things weren't so messed up between us. She knows everything about the mutual "I want to be with you but I can't"story of me and my ex. She knows that I do not want him out of my life forever but she also knows that I feel that it's much too early for me to break NC.

But she says that I owe her this friendship favour and should go ask him.

 

What should I do?

I suggest you tell her that you don't want to contact him right now. It's just too soon and too painful for you. And that she should go ahead and contact him herself if she needs to.

[Taramere]

She knows that I do not want him out of my life forever but she also knows that I feel that it's much too early for me to break NC.

But she says that I owe her this friendship favour and should go ask him.

 

What should I do?

 

It's surprising that somebody who has witnessed the pain that the break up put you through should insist that you "owe her" this friendship favour. If she means that you owe her because she spent time being a shoulder you could cry on,

 

1. That's what friends tend to do in times of crisis. They try to be available, to a certain extent, as a shoulder.

 

2. If she's now going to demand a favour that will rub salt in the recent wounds she watched you lick, then that renders her previous support quite meaningless. The best metaphor for this situation that I can conjure up at short notice is.....well, imagine saying to a diabetic "I supported you in your condition for a couple of weeks until I got bored of hearing about it. I've got my own problems too you know. Now eat this fudge I made. It'sthe least you an do."

 

I think should respond by sticking to your guns as calmly as you can. It doesn't sound as though she's an individual who's awash with maturity and considerate of your welfare, but that doesn't mean you can't respond in a way that demonstrates you value yourself and your wellbeing. There's not even a need to get into a fight over it. You absolutely have the right to not get in touch with an ex when it holds up the break-up recovery process for you. There's no question of you "owing" her this. None.

 

It's a relatively recent breakup. It's just not sensible for you to get in touch with the guy for any reason. A friend who demands this of you is being selfish and silly.. There's no reason why she can't get in touch with him herself. She's not helpless and he's evidently not a monster.

[Tayla]

ANd the reason she is unable to contact him herself is?

I personally would hand her his phone number or work number and say, Here ya go, call him yourself. Clearly you are getting over him and she is impartial to an extent to the "personal" side. She can remain professional on the inquiry and you both can still keep the friendship in tact.

 

My work place allows staff to give recommendations on the workplace or tips to get hired, naturally we want those we know verses those we do not.

[lionelmessi]

I think it will be better that if your friend will contact herself directly. So that it will not affect you in anyway...

[spiderowl]

Your friend obviously does not understand how you feel. It is not fair of her to ask you this, even if she did listen to your stories after you and your ex split up and if she did support you then. I would not dream of asking a friend to contact her ex for something for me. It's just not a kind thing to do.

 

Have told your friend how much it would hurt you to have contact with your ex again? Does she seem to understand this? If you haven't, tell her.

 

I'd suggest you ask her to contact him herself and perhaps say you don't mind her doing this. She might think she'd be going behind your back or something and might be asking you to contact him out of some misplaced sense of loyalty to you. You could say something like "You are my best friend and you've been so supportive to me, I'd do almost anything for you, but it would hurt me too much to break no contact with my ex. Please just get in touch with him yourself instead."

[plusones]

Let me get this straight...you are on your second child and your friend expects you to fund her baby's necessities? This money could be used for your own children's future in the form of savings bonds or other investments.