mortensorchid Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 In my lifetime (that I know of), I have met two women who have taken the position of aggressor in their relationships. They were two very extreme examples. The first I knew during my college years. I recognized her immediately to be rather irrationally and almost bipolar in temperament. I knew to keep my distance from being too close. She met the man she was going to marry, whether he realized it or not. One day he came to pick her up for their date after they had been together for a few weeks/months, and she told him they were going to a local jewelry shop and he was going to purchase her a ring. RIGHT NOW. Unbelievable as it may sound, he did just that. They stayed engaged for about two and a half years. As they were getting ready to get married the summer after they graduated, they went on some church retreat about prepping yourself for marriage. According to her, he got cold feet when he had to go to this retreat and he broke it off. He was afraid of all that "commitment" talk. He promised to pay back her parents for all that they had spent on the wedding, who knows if he ever did. Apparently she now lives in her home state and is married to someone else. I always thought about that guy and thought he eventually grew a pair and got out while the getting was still good. Then there was a childhood friend I had who outdid that gal. She had met this guy at the wedding of some old neighbors of ours who lived in another state. They were long distance for six months, with her flying back and forth between his home and hers on the East Coast. After six months, she quit her job and moved to be with him. She had moved to the East Coast because she was in pursuit of another guy she had been with for five years before. She told the new dude that if they were not engaged to be married within 6 months of her living with him, she was moving back home. Six months had come and gone by the time I came to visit there, to find that she was living with him and two other guys in their suburb. I was shocked at her appearance, she all of a sudden was dressing and acting very trashy, because he obviously wanted her to dress and act very trashy. Her attitudes had really changed and adapted to what he wanted her to be, but this wasn't enough. She demanded the ring, and would not wait until Christmas of that year. He delivered it on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. He figured that would placate her, but she demanded they get married. I remember hearing that he did not want to get married, he felt that he was being pressured into doing something he was not ready to do. And lo and behold, it is now 12 years later and they are divorced. I guess what I want to know in these situations is what were these guys thinking? The first situation he recognized that he didn't want to be with her and got out before he sealed the deal and did something he'd really regret. The second? I would think that if he had doubts he would've said "I'm not ready" or "Give it more time", or something along those lines. If this is a lesson to other women, it's don't be the aggressor or you will get burned. Men always seem to be the ones who break it off in my experience. Women only break it off if they realize they had made some kind of mistake. What do others think? Or am I missing something?
FitChick Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 There are plenty of passive men who like aggressive women. Just read some of the threads on this forum.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My one data point was my exW who became more assertive once she found out I was dating someone from another country and even voiced the words to the effect that 'I go after what I want'. Big mistake on my part that the steak didn't match the sizzle once she got what she wanted. IME, I've always had to be active rather than passive because, absent that, years would go by between romance opportunities. To wit, it's been over two years since my exW and I split up and the only dates I've gone on are those I've pursued, though one lady did contact me first on a OLD site. An assertive woman with healthy female qualities to grow a relationship most definitely can 'win', IMO, not to be confused with being aggressive like a man. That, to me, is a turn-off.
Lil1 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If this is a lesson to other women, it's don't be the aggressor or you will get burned. Men always seem to be the ones who break it off in my experience. Women only break it off if they realize they had made some kind of mistake. What do others think? Or am I missing something? I understand what you are saying by being an aggressor. Truth is no one likes an aggressor. There has to be a balance. I don't think that men end more relationships then women do however. In fact I would say it's the opposite. I think that there are many men who are more willing to keep multiple lovers than there are women who would also do the same. Women are more likely to end a relationship first before taking another partner. I know this notion sounds antiquated but I think it still holds true. There are also many many reasons why people break from relationships not just because they think the relationship was a mistake. Sometimes relationships end because of circumstances beyond your control. Those two women you described sound like angry demanding and insecure individuals. It's quite possible that they had psychological issues given the degree of their demands and actions they took to get their way. Sounds like those guys got involved with emotionally damaged women. Glad the first guy dodged the bullet, but who knows, the dude she ended up marrying might be the happiest guy in his town right now lol!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 In my lifetime (that I know of), I have met two women who have taken the position of aggressor in their relationships. And how many people (that you know of) have you met who share your same date of birth (even if just the month and day, and not the year) ?? The answer to that question will probably tell you more about your analysis here than will the two initial references you cited.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 These two are obviously extreme examples of 'aggressive women'. You can rest assured that extreme examples of passive women don't win either (such women usually end up in abusive relationships as they are easy targets for a certain type of men). Every person, either male or female, needs to be assertive without crossing the line where their behaviour become possessive.
omkara Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Why say something like this? You know, sometimes you women just need to go up a man you like, stare him in the eyes and grab his balls. And do not smile. I think if a girl did that to me, I just might have to marry her.
eerie_reverie Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I don't think your examples show much evidence of anything. In the first case, they stayed together for a couple of years, which during college, is a long time. Many people change their minds... I don't see how her being the aggressor had to do with anything. In the second, same thing, lots of people get divorced. Obviously, if you are ultimating someone into marrying you, that's not a great thing, but who didn't know that? Moreover, I would argue that 12 years is a pretty good run.
sm1tten Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I, too, am finding your examples problematic. To be honest, these don't sound like problems of being women aggressors. It sounds like some effed up people all around.
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