Barrowj Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 My girlfriend and I have been together over a year. I’ve tried to get her to open up to me and trust me but it’s not working. Its as if the closer together we get the most distrustful she feels. I asked her to marry me, and ever since then its gotten unbearable as if her distrust has gotten worse. She told me that she still cannot bring herself to trust me because there is always the possibility that I will screw her over. I’ve tried everything to prove that she can trust me, but its not happening. She told me before that everyone she has ever known has screwed her over, or her family and hurt her. I also learned recently that a family tried to sexually assault her about 2 years ago. I’m not sure what I can do to get her to try to open up to me. This constant looking for something wrong that she is doing is driving me nuts. She accused me of being the one who tried to get her brother’s shop closed. which is ridiculous because I think her brother is an ok guy She accused me of hating her family, which isn’t true (although her father isn’t on my best friend list) She refused to share her feelings with me, only showing them if she is angry or irritated with me. She admitted that I haven’t done anything, but she says that doesn’t mean that I wont hurt her in the future, and she said she doesn’t think she will ever change. Ive hit a road block. I love her, but I cant keep paying for things I haven’t done. If anyone can offer advice. P.S. she also said she doesn’t believe in therapy, and i have mentioned it, so now she says she will think about it.
FitChick Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 She sounds paranoid. Definitely needs some sort of therapy. I suggest The Lefkoe Method.
ja123 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I'm sorry she sees the world this way. As for you, this is not a healthy relationship. Can you see that? You can't make someone change no matter how good you are. Google "codependency", and visit: http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/02/17/why-men-are-attracted-to-crazy-emotionally-abusive-women/
Author Barrowj Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I literally get to points where I want to leave, there have been times when I've thought I could take all that I can, but then I remember how things were in the beginning. The only time she is really open when me is right after we are intimate, as if that is the only time she is comfortable being herself. Thats the time she tell me that I am going to be the best spose ever, and things that she does worry about. She is literally a completely different person. But the next morning she is back to being closed up. I dont want to leave her because I dont want to be one of those people who "used" her and left her. When I gave her that ring i promised to be there for better or worse, and I want to live up to that promise. She is extremely beautiful, smart, resourceful, and loving when she isnt scared. SHe stuck with me when I had nothing. When she met me I was living in my siblings basement working for 10 a hour part time and basically broke. And over the course of our relationship I finally graduated college, got an excellent high paying job and I want to share this life with her. Her support helped me to achieve my goals. Im telling you she is really a wonderful woman, its just that she has gotten extremely scared to trust me ever since things got serious, and its strange because she was the one to start talking about a family and kids. I got her to agree to see a therapist so, we are looking for one. I just want advice on how to keeping holding on until we can get her some help.
ja123 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I dont want to leave her because I dont want to be one of those people who "used" her and left her. When I gave her that ring i promised to be there for better or worse, and I want to live up to that promise. You always have the right to change your mind on anything (such as revoking your offer of engagement), if it's to protect yourself. Changing your mind doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It means that you know how to set your boundaries. Have you checked out the website I posted? Why not post on there, too, to get some additional feedback. The Doctor herself very often responds directly to people's posts. I suggest that she get a counsellor and do the work she has to do on herself and that you should call a moratorium (if not break it off entirely!) on your relationship so you both can have time to work on yourselves. Rushing into a marriage when there are so many red flags is definitely not the course of action to take. These things don't get solved overnight. Look at two of your greatest strengths: your kindness and loyalty. If taken too far, they can be your downfall. You need to reserve that for someone who deserves you, and who can offer you the same in return. Take past considerations out of it, because clearly they are making you feel guilty and you're just going to fall into one pitfall after another if you operate from guilt. Get Susan Forward's book "Emotional Blackmail" http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316026502&sr=1-1 And ask yourself why you feel compelled to act like a knight in white shining armour? What are you getting out of it? Avoiding issues of your own? Think of all the time and energy you will save to put towards accomplishing your own goals if you weren't tied up in this drama? Do you have goals? Are you excited about them and your future? Or, do you just feel a "void" at any thought of not being with this woman. Google and read about "codepency" and the "cycle of abuse". There is always a honeymoon period (i.e. like when she opens up to you after you've been intimate) before the abusive cycle repeats itself again, and again, and again. Good luck!
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