Ex BF - complicated situation!

[gbadboy]

I was the one responsible for the end of my relationship with my ex. I broke his heart and when my friend asked me to "follow his heart" and ask me out again, I rejected him . Why? Because 2 nights prior we were out for his birthday and he was all over one of his ex's , drunk and dancing all over the place.

 

I was upset about that, but after a few days later, I phoned him back to try to work it out - i realized i should have not allowed that incident to reject him. It was too late though - my ex said my rejection basically pushed him over the cliff and he was done. He was very angry and upset now and wanted to avoid me.

 

To complicate things, he befriended a lot of my friends so I would run into him at social events but he refused to speak to me.

 

To further complicate things, his family kicked him out of his house (he is 23) and my ex really doesn't have any proper friends of his own . No one to guide him. No older siblings. So as a result he's staying at my friends place. Not sure how long this will go on, but he's practially living there now and while it didnt initially sit well with me. My friend told me my ex got kicked out - he has no where to go and that he feels sorry for him.

 

I understand his point b/c im the one that hurt my ex...im the one that did him wrong. He tried to save our relationship. Given im the one that hurt my ex and given our breakup was my doing (not his) and given I'm the one that did him wrong to cause our end, why should I now try to prevent him from staying at my friends place in his time of need?

 

Still, him staying there causes complications. Should I take issue with this?

 

I will say that I did go over last week to my friends place to confront my ex. And while at first we argued, we went into the bedroom and had a heart to heart. I sat on top of him and he told me how doesn't want to work it out with me BECAUSE he feels "I dont know what I want". He feels "I dont truly love him". That is his reasoning.

 

So its not that he doesn't "love me" or that he just doesn't feel me. Its because he feels im the one that doesn't know what i want and that ill string him along. Nothing could be farther from the truth as i want us to build a new home together - but he's adament.

 

I spent the course of our meeting proving him other wise. And when he asked me if i still talk to certain guys, I said no. He thinks Ive been meeting ppl during our break up but I haven't. And i even gave him my cell phone to go through. He checked and found nothing incriminating. No messages, no contacts nothing. everyone in my phone he knows personally.

 

I felt good he saw that b/c it shows Im tellin the truth. Nonetheless, I know its impossible for me to change his mind in an hour . I accept that.

 

We held each other, joked around, argued....... he told me how he was suppose to be part of my family. He is also close with my brothers and I cried a lot and he wiped my tears saying he dosen't want to see ppl he cares about cry. At the same time, he told me he's upset at me and angry that i ruined our relationship.

 

Bottom line, he told me not to cry and that ill see him again and we could try to be friends. I dont know if i can be his friend though.

 

Now that he's stayin at my friends place- it makes me moving on tough. At the same time, he has no where else to go. Obviously he would be at me if we were together. And there's no way in heck he'd stay with me given im his ex.

 

I dont know if i can be his friend. I love him too much. But im the one that is responsible for ending my relationship with him.

 

I feel like applying NC on him to help me move on. But he still wants me in his life. My situation is different because we both have feelings and hurt towards each other but its me (the one that hurt him) that cant seem to be his friend.

 

Usually in NC situations, the one who does the hurting is the one that still wants to be friends out of "guilt". But im the one that hurt him , yet he is still hoping to maintain some kind of friendship with me.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Dark Phoenix]

ahh, the roles of dumper and dumpee reversed... such a pretty sight.

 

 

Go No Contact, you said yourself that you can't be his friend. He turned down your attempt to reconcile, you wanted a romantic relationship with him... he didn't want the same. Why should you settle for any less? it's either all or nothing.

 

 

As for him staying with your friend: He's staying with a friend, not a family member or a new boyfriend's house. Limit your contact with that friend and stay NC with your ex.

[gbadboy]

I think you hit it right on the nail.

Regardless of who ended it with who , I tried to reconcile and he wouldn't budge.

 

As much as I'm glad someone is there to watch out for him in his time of need and glad that that someone is linked to me, I should still go NC with my ex and limit my contact with my friend.

 

It sucks because I don't want to be mean and give my friend an ultimatium to ask him to leave knowing im the one that screwed up our relationship and that it wasn't my ex's fault we ended.

 

If I truly love my ex, I should go NC and I've asked my friend to watch out for him and look out for him and help him, rather than ask him to leave........that I think would be vindictive and bitter on my part.

 

It really hurts though!

 

Thank you for the reply

[TheDovic]

This is a really tough one! He's had a lot going on recently though so maybe he's afraid of being abandoned again cos think about it, you dumped him as did his family. Maybe he's trying to avoid getting into that situation again.

 

Might not be a bad idea to give being friends a chance for a short while to prove to him you really care and that you do trust him.

[gbadboy]

Hey TheDovic,

 

You're right too (as Dark PHoneix was) . He's always had conflict with his family from the time I met him - always wanting to move out. He also had a bunch of loser friends who don't care about him. Thats why when we started dating, he became attached to not only my life, but my family (he likes my brothers a lot) and my friends.

 

So it doesn't surprise me that he's staying at my friends house. Albiet they have to sleep in the same bed, I know it's nothing like that. In fact, that's the same friend of mine that has been trying to get us back together from the onset.

 

I feel bad because my ex isn't working and has bills to pay (car payments, cell phone, car insurance etc. He also can't afford to pay his tuition for his second year, so now he's basically spending his time partying every weekend.

 

It's sad because he doesn't have any strong support system - no family, no cousins, no friends. Only person is my friend.

I of course have offered to help him, I'd even pay for his tution , but he wont' accept it.He's upset with me and I get that.

 

So yes, part of me feels maybe I shouldn't be selfish and go NC on him. Rather, maybe I should be there as a friend for him.

 

I told him that no matter what, if he ever needs anything from me, that id be here to help and he was receptive saying he would be here for me if i need anything.

 

So yea, a part of me feels I should still try to maintain a friendship with him because he said to me "you want to destroy our friendship now"? I think he would be really upset if I abandonded him.

 

Thank you for the reply