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Just the difficulties of a LDR, and a tiny fight-- blows up into a breakup?! (Long!)

cz0r

By cz0r
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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cz0r New Member

cz0r

Posted
Posted

I have been with my fiancee for 4 years... we have been separated for the last year because we went to different universities, but next fall he is transferring and we were planning on living together. He came to visit this weekend (for the FIRST time in a year... all the other visits have been me going to him) and we got into a huge fight! I don't even know how it got to such a point....all I was trying to do was to get him to either settle down and try to sleep or we would both get up and get breakfast... and he blew up at me, calling me terrible names and saying it was over.

He played it cold. I tried to come to him and calm him down... when i tried to hug him and hold on to him just to relax him he turned around and choked me till i fell to the ground. When I asked him not to leave he pushed me out of the way. I'm covered in bruises but he says the hugs were an "attack" on him and he was just "defending" himself. I don't understand how that could be seen as an attack and why he would have to defend himself against me! I'm much smaller compared to him and I think he was just bullying me around. At this point I was understandably upset... crying very hard and asking him not to leave town, but according to him, this makes me a "psycho" and reinforced why he dosen't love me.

Then he dropped the bombshell... he had been only staying with me because he didn't want to mess up his plans for next year; if we break up, he dosen't really have a place to live. I begged him not to leave town, tried to convince him that he was making a big deal out of nothing... so he promised me he was just going to go cool off, he would drop me off at my friend's house, and we would meet back at my place in an hour.

And then he left. Drove 4 hours to be away from me. Called intermittently on the road (from payphones, he broke the cell phone I bought and I pay for in half). I begged him to turn around and come back so we could just work things out, but he insisted that he go home. Then when he got home he called me, and when I said I wished he had come back, he said I had my chance to change his mind when he called me from the road. He has been talking to me, telling me to call him or talk to him online... but every time I bring up the fight, or what happened, looking for an explanation, he says that i'm only pushing him away further and that he is not completely convinced he is happier without me. He is too proud to change his mind and has said over and over he does not love me anymore (he has NEVER said this to me, even in the worst of fights).

I will admit, we have been fighting alot the past few months, because its been so hard to be apart and I feel like he takes what i do for him, my time, my money, and my love, for granted. He seems to think that after a fight things can just go back to being the same... that he can just be nice to me again and that he dosen't have to apologize or anything to make things right. I just don't understand why he blows up like this! YES, this is a rough patch in our relationship, but NO it will not last forever... and if he's thinking of getting married... what happened to the "for better or worse"? I work very hard for this relationship, and I love him dearly. He is my best friend, and even now brings a smile to my face. He is a good guy, and I just don't understand where this rage is coming from! I just miss him so much and know that we make eachother happy! He is sending me mixed messages... breaking up with me and still contacting me and still asking me to talk to him. Please explain or help or anything! It seems everyone is saying to "wait it out" but I just don't know what to do in the meantime!

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

Posted
Posted

YES, this is a rough patch in our relationship, but NO it will not last forever..

 

Listen to me very carefully.

 

This is not a 'rough patch'.

 

This is abuse.

 

A 'rough patch' is maybe not talking to each other for a day.

 

Being choked into unconsciousness and being left covered with bruises is ABUSE.

 

Do NOT let this man ever, EVER, come back into your house.

 

Take what I say VERY SERIOUSLY.

 

You have got yourself a man with serious problems, and no matter how many good qualities he may have, the fact that he could do these things to you makes him a VERY DANGEROUS MAN. Contrary to what you might believe, abusers are not nasty people. They are often funny and interesting and can be loving. However, the fact that he can choke and beat you makes all of his good qualities insignificant.

 

Read all of these sites. This could mean your life.

 

Read up on the signs of abuse

 

http://www.4woman.gov/violence/violence.cfm?page=signs

 

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com...buse_signs.html

 

http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/page4.html

 

 

A couple of safety plans for leaving if you have to

 

http://www.owjn.org/issues/w-abuse/safe.htm

 

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml

azn_chick

azn_chick

Posted
Posted

quote:

 

"he turned around and choked me till i fell to the ground"

 

"this makes me a "psycho" and reinforced why he dosen't love me"

 

"so he promised me he was just going to go cool off, he would drop me off at my friend's house, and we would meet back at my place in an hour.

And then he left. Drove 4 hours to be away from me"

 

*****"He is a good guy"******

 

Unquote

 

 

AFTER ALL THAT HE DID TO YOU, YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH THIS BAST*ARD? HE CHOKED YOU, PUSHED YOU AWAY, DROVE AWAY TO LEAVE YOU, AND ADMITTED TO USING YOU SO HE CAN HAVE A PLACE TO STAY. SEEMS TO ME THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE MISTREATED AND DEGRADED BY YOUR "FIANCEE"

 

IF IT'S THIS BAD NOW...THINK ABOUT HOW IT WOULD BE IF YOU WERE TO MARRY HIM. I HOPE YOU FIND THE STRENGTH AND THE COURAGE TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.

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cz0r New Member

cz0r

Posted
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Posted

He was just trying to get me away from him... he told me he didnt want to be touched and I tried to touch him. He told me he wanted to leave and I stood in his way. He wasn't just just hitting me or something, just getting me off him or out of his way. I should have respected his boundaries.

If I didn't love him, or if i even understood where this was coming from, it would be easier. But I cannot just turn off how much I love him, and I cannot just forget the last four years. And with him sending me mixed messages (he just asked me to call him... and after just chatting about nothing and joking around... he all of a sudden got angry with me and hung up... then just called again and asked me to call) I just don't know what to do!

I know this seems like abuse... but hes not here to stand up for himself... so I cannot judge his motivations. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me.

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

Posted
Posted

He was just trying to get me away from him... he told me he didnt want to be touched and I tried to touch him.

 

This is no excuse. This is completely unacceptable. NOBODY is entitled to choke someone and beat someone because they don't want to be touched!!!!!!!

 

He told me he wanted to leave and I stood in his way.

 

Too damn bad!!!! He had NO right to choke, hit, or in any other way harm you. Do you not undersand this? People have no right to hurt others if the others get in their way!!!!!!! This is not acceptable. Period.

 

 

He wasn't just just hitting me or something, just getting me off him or out of his way. I should have respected his boundaries.

 

No. No. NO. NO. NONONONONO

 

What about YOUR boundaries???????? How is it that only HE should get his boundaries respected? Are you going to beat him for not respecting your boundaries, too???????? If not, why not? How can that be wrong for you but not for him????????

 

Were you beaten as a child? Have you been abused throughout your life? Your values are all skewed. Badly.

 

If I didn't love him, or if i even understood where this was coming from, it would be easier. But I cannot just turn off how much I love him, and I cannot just forget the last four years.

 

Oh yes you can. Women leave after 10, 20, 30 years if they start getting hurt. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

 

And with him sending me mixed messages (he just asked me to call him... and after just chatting about nothing and joking around... he all of a sudden got angry with me and hung up... then just called again and asked me to call) I just don't know what to do!

 

Did you read the links I gave you?

 

I know this seems like abuse... but hes not here to stand up for himself... so I cannot judge his motivations. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me.

 

This is lame and bogus. The fact is that whatever his 'motivations' may be, he did hurt you. What you fail to understand about abusers is that they don't think they are hurting people. They think they have a right to do what they do - and they'll give it any name but 'hurt'. They'll say they were being sure they were heard or that they were making sure they were respected - but it's all to hide the truth from themselves, which is that they lack the control to stop themselves from hurting people when they get angry.

 

No matter what a saint he may be at other times (and most of these guys are), he will never be able to stop himself from hurting you, and one day that may go too far. It is a problem with the self-control part of his brain.

 

And you must leave.

sportsloving Established Member

sportsloving

Posted
Posted

You are now rationalizing out something that you know is wrong. It is a familiar trait to all abused women. If they don't get out the first time the abuse occurs, it will grow steadily worse. I am not making this up... it is a fact.

 

Women who are abused generally feel as if they have done something to deserve the abuse, they will rationalize it out so that it doesn't seem "so bad". They make excuses to others for his behavior. It will take a women in an abusive situation seven to eight attempts to leave before they actually leave. And those who do not leave, they suffer for the rest of their lives from what their "love" has done to them. Some die at the hands of their "love".

 

I know this seems like abuse... but hes not here to stand up for himself... so I cannot judge his motivations. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me.

 

There is a saying, if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, then more than likely it is a duck.

 

You can give yourself all the reasons in the world, the truth is ... he is abusing you. I doubt this is the first time, and I can promise it is not the last. He can say he is sorry or he can blame you... but we both know that no one deserves to be covered in bruises, choked, hit or being degraded. Especially when they "love you". There is no excuse for abuse. NONE.

 

Call the local women's shelter. Ask for a tour or a visit. Talk to the women who are there. Ask each of them how it started out. Then ask them what was the point to which they had to be moved to the shelter. Ask them how many bones they had broken, how many were threatened with their lives. And then ask them who attacked them...

 

You have the right to live a healthy and loving life. You are going to have to decide that your life is worth more than being abused by someone who "loves" you. And you can do it, you will be better off without him. Let him go, seek counseling, and realize that you are a person. You were not put on earth to be someone's punching bag.

 

I really do wish you luck. If you need moral support, there are agencies all over that know how to deal with your situation. Call them.

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cz0r New Member

cz0r

Posted
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Posted

I just feel like no one understands....

 

I sucks that I have to do all the work, and I feel like he is winning. He bullys me around and he gets what he wants. He dosen't have to change or apologize.... he says he owes me nothing. I just want some closure!

 

We've been through so many things together... things that will always connect us... rough times... a failed pregnancy... him almost dying in a car wreck... how does one forget these things? How do i break the bond? How do i untie our lives?

 

I cannot just let go. I know that is good advice, but I just cannot do it. It hurts more to be without him than it does to be with him.

iceprincess Established Member

iceprincess

Posted
Posted

I "hope" you feel "loved" when he chokes you again....maybe the bruises will show how much "tenderness" he has for you....think about how much he "loves" you when he tells you to get out of his way and pushes you aside...you are your own mercy

FreeMe Established Member

FreeMe

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by cz0r

I just feel like no one understands....

 

No, we all understand. YOU are the one having the problem understanding. This guy is an abuser. He's got you convinced everything is your fault. That's what abusers do.

 

I had an ex who did that too - I was blocking his way so he just shoved me out of the way. I thought that was an isolated incident. He'd NEVER done anything like that before. Well, next time something happened he claimed I got "in his face" so he picked me up almost over his head and threw me to the hardwood floor. What he did is no worse than what your boyfriend did. Now, would you advise me to have stayed with him? If some guy did that to your best (female) friend, would you tell her to just try to be more understanding of him? If you would you need serious help. If you would advise me or your best friend to get away from the guy, why would you accept it for yourself?

 

If he's breaking up with you, just close your mouth and be thankful that he is. He's saving you a lot of future misery.

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