franki_j Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 My fiance and i have had our ups and downs downs. Some big some small. When added all together, we have something i feel i need climbing gear for. Most involves his lies, sneaking around, and disregard for my feelings. Most of its been emotional cheating. I dont think hes been physical with anyone while we've been together, but still feel betrayed. The latest incident involves an ex girlfriend who abanded her kids with him (not his children mind you) to meet up with a man she'd been involved w/on the internet. She ended up marrying internet guy. Well recently she found my fiance on facebook (DARN YOU FACEBOOK). She told him she missed him, wanted to meet up for a friendly hug. That he should tell me they were just old friends and that she missed her best friend. Umm, lady, shouldnt your husband be your best friend? He showed me these msgs. Which i appreciated and said meeting up was ok with me as long as we did it together. Than i got to thinking, she told him to lie to me and said he was her bf. Not cool, something fishy here. I asked him to not meet with her. Her intentions didnt seem right. He agreed. well i found out yesterday via emails (which he left up) that he did in fact meet up with her for lunch last week, behind my back. Im so crushed. I confronted him. Started packing my things. He did that old "please dont leave" song and dance. Said he had to do it to fulfill his curiosity. He says he can change. Im having strong doubts now. Any opinions? Thank you and have a beautiful day =) )
Author franki_j Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 I should also mention that their relationship ended 10 years ago. No communication before this. And that was to say abandoned* hehe not abanded.
2sure Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 If this were an isolated incident, I would understand his curiosity about seeing her but would seriously question his poor judgment. If this were an isolated incident , I would need to see a lot of remorse from him for choosing to lie about seeing her to me. If this has happened before , Id dump him.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Don't marry this guy! He ignores your feelings, doesn't care about anybody but himself. He's selfish, immature and isn't husband material. You asked him not to meet her, he lied and went anyway. WTF. Do pack a bag and DO leave him. Let him live life without for a while, let him suffer some consquences. He isn't and hasn't considered your feelings, so why consider his?
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Will the tiger change his stripes? IDK, it was what, ten years for this 'latest' incident? I know the pull of a past love; had the EA to prove it. The difference with your situation and my M is that you/he were/are apparently happy and fulfilled in your engagement and relationship, but yet he still wanders off at a request from a long-lost lover. Rather than packing up and leaving, first make a PMC appointment and invite him to join you to resolve this issue and the apparent 'previous' similar ones. If he participates, encourage continuation by staying; if not, give him some 'space' to consider the consequences of his actions, both initially (the past lover) and current (refusing PMC). Sometimes a silence sandwich, predicated with clear communication and boundaries, can be a motivator for change.
Author franki_j Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I should mention that i have a 4 year old son (from a previous relationship) that we both adore. Hes very good with my son and both are quite attached to one another. He's been in our young ones life since he was one. I know thats not a reason to stay, just felt it needed to be shared. And youre right, when things are good, theyre exceptionally good. Hes somewhat attentive and is always with us. Its just these stupid decisions hes always making. I have this gut feeling if we stay, he'll do this again. We talked last night and he said he didnt consider how bad it would hurt me or that it was a big deal. He shows remorse, but im not sure if its because he got caught. What wouldve happened if he didnt get caught?. He also admitted any talk we had regarding our relationship issues before, they went in one ear and out the other. Says he'll take in account what i say and follow up on it (as ive said numerous times, actions speak louder than words). His words mean nothing at this point. Still getting over the shock before finalizing my decision. Counseling is a good idea. Hes actually trying to find someone. However, finacially this may not be possible. We dont go to church so speaking with a man/woman of god is out of the question (im still looking into this possibility though). My hearts not ready to give up, but it cant handle anymore of his selfishness. Thank you for your responses.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 If it's financially possible to get married, not to mention the costs of divorce, which I know only too well, it's possible to afford PMC. Disconnect the cable/satellite TV for a few months, scale back that massive data plan on the cell phone, drink less booze, whatever. Figure out a way. Here's a key: His actions hurt you. Actions are needed to heal. Words are carbon dioxide. Global warming. Meaningless. Look at actions. Get started today.
TigerCub Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 "I confronted him. Started packing my things. He did that old "please dont leave" song and dance. Said he had to do it to fulfill his curiosity. He says he can change. Im having strong doubts now" I'm sorry Franki, but the packing your things and not leaving is a little song and dance of its own. so you did your little steps and he followed with his "please don't leave" moves - and what was the big result of that? He violated your trust repeatedly and you put up with it, he wont change and you'll keep getting the same results. I'm sorry, I just don't get that whole "oooh, I'm packing my **** but not doing anything else" move
Author franki_j Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 To Carhill: thank you for your advice and sharing your experience. We have a few things we can cut back on, not much considering what we've already cut due to money issues (which is not an issue for us =). It will be worth it though. at tigercub: i think youre entitled to your opinion. However in my blind anger that seemed to be what was best at that time (i confronted him not even a minute after i read the emails, i saw red). I acted before thorougly looking into the situation. My staying is based off of my knowing that this needs to be thought over before making a life changing decision.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Also, check with local colleges which have a psychology department for free/low-cost counseling services. County social services may have counseling available if you meet income requirements. The point of this exercise is to gauge *desire* to 'change his stripes' through proactive action, rather than uttering carbon dioxide words. What is he doing today, right now, to effect the goal of reconciling this relationship rift? Letting you love him? Think about that.
TigerCub Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 at tigercub: i think youre entitled to your opinion. However in my blind anger that seemed to be what was best at that time (i confronted him not even a minute after i read the emails, i saw red). I acted before thorougly looking into the situation. My staying is based off of my knowing that this needs to be thought over before making a life changing decision. I understand what you're saying and I sincerely hope that things can be worked out. I just think that if he thinks you're full of empty threats then he's not going to change. I agree with Carhill that you need to look at what your bf is doing right now to prove himself to you, to reconcile and to regain your trust. Good luck
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 OP, try this: Rather than 'If you don't do xxx or do xxx, I'm leaving', say, only when action is to follow word, 'I feel xxx because of xxx and I'm leaving' and then do that. He already knows there's an issue. It's not like this stuff is a surprise to him. Essentially, I'm advising you to use the same methodology which I'm insisting upon for him, that of action rather than words. You're still there, even after seeing red and packing to leave and saying all the words you said. To him, that's a signal that you care, a lot. If he's signaling through his actions that he cares a lot, 'proving himself to you' as TigerCub mentioned, then go with that. If other, act decisively to retain health and parity. His remaining there is not sufficient bend IMO. It's merely status quo. Words are a tool to maintain status quo. See them for what they are.
Author franki_j Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Very useful information! However, theres a detail here that should be known. One that doesnt make me proud. For the first 2 years we had a long distance relationship. An hour apart. We spent all our weekends together. On my behalf i was completely faithful and i believe he was too. I hope =) we had a few bumps in the road during that time and i broke it off with him (2 times, seperated for months both times). And like a moth to a flame...we were BOTH drawn back together. After he moved to a new area he asked me and my little beloved to move with him. We did. 2 hours away from where we had been living. The home we (son and i) lived in i rented from family. It is still vacant. Now since we've moved up here, i found out things (i have a previous thread) and went back to where i used to live (my security net i suppose) on one occasion. Yet came back. So if i were to leave, he would just think i would come back. Thats why im still here. I think that the provided advice of seeking professional help is best, given my history of "flaking out". Which im working on and will continue working on.
nyrias2 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Can a tiger change its stripes? sure. if you paint it. A cheater can stop the actual act of cheating, but deep down they still want that thrill of being with someone new. So you can put paint on a tiger(stopping the act of cheating), therefore changing its stripes, but its still a tiger(someone who'd like to do it, but doesn't just because of what they will lose). they still have a cheating heart and the desire. By this statistics, about 70% (74% male 68% female) will cheat if never get caught. The chance of marrying to someone "with a cheating heart" is pretty high.
SerenitySeeking Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Will he change his stripes? Unlikely. I am a cheater. I cheat because I make a conscious decision to do so and because I can. My cheating is motivated by wanting something more than what I have and while I keep looking for something 'better' and 'more' I am perfectly happy to have a 'safe and stable' partner in my life who will always be there to do and be what I want and need. If you are happy to be a safety net they by all means stay. I don't believe that all cheaters are like me but I know that a lot of them are. We are selfish and while we do care about our SO to a certain extent we care about ourselves much more. If he has done this in the past and keeps doing it then you are not what he really wants. Sometimes it's best to find someone that will want you and only you so that you can have stability and trust in your life.
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