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She says consistently she marriage is over but she never makes a move.

hcromwell

By hcromwell
in Separation and Divorce

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hcromwell Member

hcromwell

Posted
Posted

We have been going through hell for the last 9 months...and maybe 2 years before that. She doesn't kiss me, say i love you, or have sex with me(going on 9 months).

 

She is depressed and lost 20 pounds over last 9 months(she's a rail to start with)...is it chicken and egg...is she depressed and marriage is suffering or is she depressed due to marriage.

 

She consistently says when pushed the marriage is over but nothing ever gets done.

 

I am getting tired of living this way...have alot of people telling me to get divorced...

 

I really don't want to but what now...it kills me to live this way

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

You need to file for divorce, if only to force her to make a decision. You cannot and will not go on like this.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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OP, IMO, your spouse has abrogated the marital contract. You have been abandoned. File for divorce tomorrow and recognize this abrogation legally.

 

Get some IC for that fear I mentioned in your other thread. It'll help you.

Lis007 Established Member

Lis007

Posted
Posted

Do you still love her? Do you want your marriage to work?

 

How do you show her that you love her? make her feel special? do you do anything together?

 

What did you enjoy doing together when you first got married? do you that now?

andyg99 Established Member

andyg99

Posted
Posted

give her a chance to get help... if she is clinically depressed tell her she needs to be diagnosed and get counseling or meds if the Dr perscribes it... if she refuses then you need to make the move, file or separate also maybe you should consider counseling yourself...

FreeNow Established Member

FreeNow

Posted
Posted
I am getting tired of living this way...have alot of people telling me to get divorced...

 

I really don't want to but what now...it kills me to live this way

 

Don't start any divorce process because you don't really want to!

 

Seek more help for yourself; help for you to cope. Be supportive of her and protect your own assets. If you exchanged vows, did they have something about "in sickness and in health"? If so, then this is not the "in health" part.

 

My opinion would be different if the circumstances were different. She obviously doesn't really want a divorce right now as she isn't really initiating one. You stated that you really don't want one. So why get a divorce?

 

You can change you life with or without your wife's support. You are responsible for your own emotions/happiness/etc. Work on you. Lack of sex, as far as I know, doesn't directly kill anyone. If it is a matter of sour interactions or little interaction with your wife, how sour or reduced do you think those interactions will be during and after a divorce?

 

If she's not cheating, then stay in the marriage a while longer. Work on yourself... you would have to do that married or not anyway.

 

 

BTW: There is nothing wrong with a separation wherein you make it clear that it's not about divorce, you aren't seeking a divorce, and it is so you can regain your center. I'd propose it as a temporary break and not use the loaded term "separation". However, I also believe that separations can strain marriages that otherwise might've made it. So... tread lightly and use it if therapy and other measures aren't working for you in the marital home.

 

 

 

{Reply based solely upon the OP in this thread}

bunny05 Member

bunny05

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

I went through something similar with my soon-to-be-ex husband (divorce will be final in a month). He had his troubles that he didn't deal with and our relationships went to shambles. He never talked to me about what was bothering him, and gave me only vague or roundabout answers to my questions.

 

He also kept me in limbo for about a year, treating me horribly, then saying he wanted to work things out. It was cyclical. When I wanted to work on the relationship, he emotionally abandoned me and when I stopped wanting to work on the relationship he made feeble attempts to placate me and guilt me into coming back to him. He never told me he wanted us to be together, nor did he tell me he loved me or had sex with me for a year.

 

Finally I moved out to live on my university's campus and left the relationship status up to him. I was willing to try if he was. 2 weeks into the semester I receive divorce papers. It's sad, but also a relief to finally know his answer.

 

That's my recommendation to you. Move out and let her decide what she wants. You cannot make any decisions for her, as much as you would like to do so! I'm sorry you are going through this as I know how much it hurts. You aren't alone!

Surfer203 Established Member

Surfer203

Posted
Posted

This sounds all too familiar. Except in my situation it has not been going on quite as long and we did have some major issues (she cheated on me and moved out for 2 months). Now in reconciliation phase I am experiencing similar behavior. It grows tiresome and just frustrating.

fenderstrathss Member

fenderstrathss

Posted
Posted
That's my recommendation to you. Move out and let her decide what she wants. You cannot make any decisions for her, as much as you would like to do so! I'm sorry you are going through this as I know how much it hurts. You aren't alone!

 

I very much disagree. She's been making all the "decisions" up to this point. Believe it or not, you are a person with thoughts, feelings, and desires too. Time for YOU to make some decisions.

bunny05 Member

bunny05

Posted
Posted
I very much disagree. She's been making all the "decisions" up to this point. Believe it or not, you are a person with thoughts, feelings, and desires too. Time for YOU to make some decisions.

 

Exactly. He makes HIS own decisions and leaves her to make HER own.

 

If he stays with her and continues to try and reason with her, try and make her see his side of the story, try and change her mind and make her see what she is doing not only to herself but to their relationship and SHE DOES NOT LISTEN, she does not take action, and he is in a perpetual state of uncertainty, how does that help him?

 

He takes control of the only person he can take control of. Himself. He moves out, and takes time for HIM. He takes time to sort through his thoughts, feelings and desires and leaves her to deal with herself. The point is-- he can't change her mind. Only she can change her mind. So my suggestion is to leave her alone and let her decide.

 

Of course, he could also decide that he wants nothing to do with her and just end it, but if he wants to work on the relationship and she is not cooperating, then there is nothing much he can do but put his foot down or leave and let her see how it is to be without him.

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hcromwell Member

hcromwell

Posted
  • Author
Posted

all good points...i've lived with it this long...but man you are not guaranteed a tomorrow...so tough to keep living this way.

 

I am a do-er by nature so i want to do something...if i don't she would be content to live like this forever...bills paid...no responsibility..

 

and i don't have sex soon...i might be on dateline soon...

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