betterdeal Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) No, I fundamentally felt bad and saw red flags during this incident. I changed my mind because she has so many other great qualities and...I didn't want to lose her and be alone again.I pussified myself because the sex was so good.I was madly in love with her and was willing to work with her.I thought I could handle it and be accomodating to make her happy.Remember this is at 4 months and we had only had one other tiff... Sure, I understand that. What I meant was, your external response differed from your internal one e.g. you externally called it off but internally you have mixed feelings about. I know why you did that, been there, done that myself. If you go through the process of addressing each point clearly - be that "I won't talk with you when you're shouting at me" or "okay, let me in and we'll talk about bare feet" to "I'm tired of all the arguments. If we don't improve I'm calling it off", communicating more clearly can help get a more favourable outcome. Yes, of course, the way we interacted affected the outcome. I was hurt. I don't like to be hurt. I came back in the house and we didn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I wish I did. I wish I could have expressed my feelings to make her understand that she hurt me and I didn't like it and how are we going to resolve this issue? I think you just did express your feelings right there. What stopped you from saying "That hurt my feelings. I want to resolve this issue, but I do not like being shouted at / treated like that." At this point in my life, I can see I don't like to discuss things like this. I am hurt and so you are outta here. I can see that is very inflexible in itself. So, was it my ****up or hers? It takes two to tango. Blame-storming won't get a better outcome, will it? You both have room to improve and grow, and doing that together can be very rewarding. Turn this hurdle into an opportunity to grow. I agree. In the heat of the moment it is quite hard for me to say how I feel without getting angry. In the past I have blown up and I refuse to do that anymore. So I retreated and sulked. I know exactly what that's like. I was hot-headed in my 20s and that was painful. I then started sulking and retreating in my 30s and that was painful too. Underneath anger lies another emotion. If you can notice what that emotion is, you're onto a winner. If you find it hard to describe the emotion at the time, say you need a moment to collect your thoughts. Start thinking of ways to express displeasure that aren't complete all out verbal assaults or just switching off. Things like, "Aw, man" "Give over" "You're having a laugh" "Really?" "Come on!" "I really don't like the way you ...." Whatever vernacular you prefer, you can protest against something that annoys or saddens you without getting angry in most cases. Save getting angry for emergencies, like when a bear attacks you. That's what anger is for - it's the nitro emotion. For example, I had a boss who would occasionally blow his lid. Not particularly at me, but occasionally it would be directed at me. In which case, I'd say "Wow, I'm not paid enough to take this" and show my hands. That was all it took. I avoided getting angry and the situation would dissipate. We're good friends now, because we have pretty good communication. Edited September 13, 2011 by betterdeal
GorillaTheater Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 In the heat of the moment it is quite hard for me to say how I feel without getting angry. In the past I have blown up and I refuse to do that anymore. So I retreated and sulked. This was me, for far too long. Until I fully grasped the third option: calmly stating my boundaries as far as what I was and was not going to put up with. You've got to do this, brother, and enforce those boundaries like North Korea. You'll be miserable if you don't.
Author Shtubes Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Diagnostics aside, yea, she's a control freak. About things that don't really matter. I'd be curious to know about some of her past relationships. I feel like this is the sort of foundation the relationship is going to be built upon... holding you hostage over meaningless things. Who the **** cares when you take a shower? Who cares when you floss? Really? Inventing things to complain about. And some of the jabs she takes at you a person and parent? Give me a break. Thanks for that validation... Just for the record, she is asian. She was married for 10yrs (which she admitted was VERY rocky after the first two yrs) and just prior to our 6mo relationship she had a 1yr relationship with someone she said she didn't love and fought with ALL the time. These two prior relationships were both with asian men. I was her first "white" guy. I'm a push-over too, but I know when something isn't right. I'd work on getting away from this person if she can't pick her battles. Pushover here too. A real softy. I knew something wasn't right but, I was just SOO head over heels in love that I don't think I was thinking straight. I mean, after the holding the door shut on me incident, I did break up with her. I just didn't have the mental fortitude to stick to it. I am pissed at myself for that but I do understand the "why". I'll try and do better next time. Edited September 20, 2011 by Shtubes
mtber75 Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Man, it ONLY been 6 month and she acts like this? Yes she's a control freak and probably a OCD! Did you look at yourself to see why you attract these types of women (your ex and gf)? Often the case are that men who had possessive/controlling women figures (mother or grandmother) growing up will attract the same types of women as partners! I mean do you want your kids seeing this? You being belittle constantly! When they grow up, they'll think this is normal for a relationship and will be abusive to their significant partners.
Author Shtubes Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Is she fit? In what regard?
betterdeal Posted September 20, 2011 Posted September 20, 2011 As in tasty, good looking. It's been my experience that pretty women are more likely to behave like this and men are more likely to put up with it if she's pretty.
Author Shtubes Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 Man, it ONLY been 6 month and she acts like this? Yes she's a control freak and probably a OCD! Did you look at yourself to see why you attract these types of women (your ex and gf)? Often the case are that men who had possessive/controlling women figures (mother or grandmother) growing up will attract the same types of women as partners! I mean do you want your kids seeing this? You being belittle constantly! When they grow up, they'll think this is normal for a relationship and will be abusive to their significant partners. Actually I am not attracting women that are overly controlling. She is the first one I've ever had. My ex just before her was the total opposite and so was my wife. She is an extreme example I think and I just randomly picked the wrong one. I mean it (her behavior) didn't REALLY start showing up until 4mos in. She didn't have CONTROL FREAK stamped on her forehead know what I mean. She hadn't belittled me in front of my kids nor had she ever tried to control them....Yet. It would have only been a matter of time I think. I would have had none of that and would boot her out on her ass trying that with my kids. She once told me a story about her son, who is 15. He decided to walk home from their apartment complex swimming pool in his bare feet (on cement btw). When he got to their apt, she made him crawl in on his hands and knees to the bathtub and get in and rinse his feet off. Whoa red flag! She just has a weird thing about cleanliness I guess. I don’t know where it comes from or if it is because she is Asian. I asked her if it was a cultural thing and she said no. I think it would have been much easier to handle if it was rather than thinking it is a personality defect. I did try to accommodate her but, in the end, it was too much. I think I knew the answer to all of these questions everyone but, thanks for answering just the same. I just liked hearing it from someone else of course to spare my own feelings of inadequacy. We are broken up now. For the coup de grace, we took a trip to Chicago a few weeks ago on a Sunday, and held hands in the car and laughed all the way down. We were in (what I thought) was a very good place. Apparently I did (or did not do) something while we were there in Chicago because the whole ride home (3hrs) I got the cold (so cold) silent treatment. I asked her if everything was alright and she said fine but the tension was palpable. The next two days she would barely talk (text) me and I still didn’t know what was wrong or what I did. We had plans for Michigan’s Adventure on the third day (Wednesday) back. We both showed up with our kids and the air was fridged between us (thankfully the weather wasn’t). In the afternoon, I built a bridge to her and she warmed right up to me and we were like peas and carrots again. However I was a wounded man, supremely insecure with no communication or explanation to what happened. I brought it up just once and expressed dismay to her about the distance between us but she didn’t seem want to talk about it. I was trying to be strong and didn’t want to come off as a weakling by harping on the issue but, I wish I would have because it never got resolved. At the end of the day, we all got ice cream sundaes and her and I split one and shared a spoon with her feeding me the ice cream (she had always fed me things when we shared them). I definitely felt like we had rekindled a little bit so I asked her to come over and spend the next night (Thursday). Time for bed so we shower together and then hit the sheets where we had wonderful sex with her telling me she loved me during. Afterwards, lying together naked I wanted to know what happened in Chicago and why she was feeling so loving now. I could not stop the conversation from falling apart with her at one point exclaiming that YES she wanted Mr Perfect and offending me about the clothes I wear. It was the last time I saw her as she flew up from the bed and said “this conversation is going nowhere!”. I agreed. She packed up her stuff, woke her daughter and left in a huff. I’m so heartbroken but, I know it is the right thing and that she is not the one for me despite falling in love so hard. I hope I learned something from these past 6mos....
Author Shtubes Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 As in tasty, good looking. It's been my experience that pretty women are more likely to behave like this and men are more likely to put up with it if she's pretty. Oh definitely. Very classy and extremely hot IMHO Asian woman. Long gorgeous thick hair. Very curvy and plus she had 38D shtubes Hahahaha! Which is very rare for an asian. God I'm going to miss those ****! She was a bit shallow and superficial. Bragging about her Coach handbags and her $450 dollar sunglasses and proud of the fact she didn't own a pair of blue jeans. I did want to see what she looked like in jeans and she agreed, so I bought her some that she picked out but they had to have some "bling" on them. $100
betterdeal Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Sounds like a nightmare to live with. Still, you've had your dolly bird and know you still got what it takes. Now you can maybe look for someone different. What kind of woman you thinking of now?
Author Shtubes Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Sounds like a nightmare to live with. Still, you've had your dolly bird and know you still got what it takes. Now you can maybe look for someone different. What kind of woman you thinking of now? One just like her....minus the control and insecurity issues. One that I don't have to jump thru hoops to please. One that accepts me fully as I am. One that can truly love me like I deserve to be loved. Thanks, nice talking with you!
Author Shtubes Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Well Mr Shtubes, lucky escape, really. The silent treatment for an imaginary slight! Its actually a punishment she is handing out to you - a massive red flag. Pity her poor son growing up yeah. Sorry, you fancied her to pieces. But chances are she also works hard at looking very good to get the attention she feels she is entitled to and screw people over. Good luck for your next woman. I am sure you will find someone gorgeous and not a headcase. Thanks Jane! She did work hard to look good but, it was just covering up insecurities. For an asian, she had BAD acne. And she is 35. She was always slagging herself for it and was very hard on herself about how she looked, especially without makeup. I didn't care! And I told her so MANY times. I loved her and accepted her for who she was. I wish she could have done the same.
betterdeal Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 One just like her....minus the control and insecurity issues. One that I don't have to jump thru hoops to please. One that accepts me fully as I am. One that can truly love me like I deserve to be loved. Thanks, nice talking with you! That doesn't sound anything like her to me One just like her but not at all. Or do you mean pretty and not highly strung?
Author Shtubes Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 That doesn't sound anything like her to me One just like her but not at all. Or do you mean pretty and not highly strung? Well yea, if only she didn't have these wierd control and personal issues. Nobody's perfect but, COME ON. Who gives a **** when you shower? Who is SO ANAL that they are afraid to walk outside in there bare feet? What do they think they are dragging in on their feet, 2X4's and ****ing boulders??? Cheese and rice man... Get a grip woman...
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