Is she a control freak

[Shtubes]

My girlfriend of 6 months is showing serious signs of control freak.. here they are - She does not walk around outside in her bare feet and does not want me to. If I do, I have to wipe off my feet with a moist towlette or wash them off with the hose before coming in the house. Also, just coming in and wiping them off on the carpet is not accepted (because there are "things" in the carpet already and you would just be putting more stuff on your feet from the carpet). The other night we showered together and I had to walk outside (in my bare feet) to shut my garage door which is only 10 steps away on cement. When I came back to the house, she was there holding the door shut, not letting me in (to my own house) pointing at my feet. I felt scolded like a little child (Im 44). Should I be concerned? She showers at night and I have always showered in the morning. She wants me to now shower at night so I am clean when I get into bed and clean for sex. I sometimes bite my fingernails. She thinks it is gross. I floss in the morning but she says I should do it at night. I am a single father with 2 kids and I sometimes have dirty dishes in my sink. There had better not be any dishes in the sink when she comes over or she gets all quiet and moody. We have broken up twice already because of the strain these issues are causing between us. To get back together, I gave in and said I would do the clean feet thing by wearing flip flops or wiping them off when I come back in the house. Capitulating like this has me walking on eggshells now wondering what else she is going to want to change. Would she ever be satisfied or is this just the start of a never ending nightmare?

 

BTW, I do love her very much and want to make her happy and I understand compromise is essential in any relationship but, I am concerned. Is she actually trying to change me or is she just asking me to do things that she feels are essential for her happiness and needed for the relationship to continue???

Edited September 12, 2011 by Shtubes

[coolheadal]

Sounds like she has mood swings too. Not good relationship to have with the her in control of you like a puppet on a string. Do it her way or you pay the price later. Mine was like that, and I can tell you it's not a good life to live. You need to say no to her. Tell her listen this just can't go on you need to get some help if I am going to stay with you. Most of what she does she knows she can get away with it. Has she ever done verbal abuse at you like use F and S and C and Loser words yet?

[Shtubes]

^^^^coolheadal^^^

 

She has not swore at me yet but, she has belittled me. Recently, because my daughters room was messy she said I was an "absent parent". This hurt pretty bad as I have an excellent relationship with my 2 kids. And, to top it off, she works 11hrs a day and so her daughter, who is 11, is home, in a one bedroom apt all by herself for 11 hrs. Talk about absent parent... The other day she slagged on me about my gut, which is not very big at all (I dont even drink). And another recent dig was, she said she has a problem with how I dress (jeans shorts tshirts). I said "I thought you liked the way I dress. You have always told me how "hot" I am". She said condescendingly, "Well, you see how I dress". Which I admit is very nice when she is at work but, at home she likes to wear a 20 yr old tshirt and sweatpants! Narcissitic personality disorder?

 

Am I too much of a softy? Should these things "bother" the average person?

Edited September 12, 2011 by Shtubes

[joeyanna]

^^^^coolheadal^^^

 

She has not swore at me yet but, she has belittled me. Recently, because my daughters room was messy she said I was an "absent parent". This hurt pretty bad as I have an excellent relationship with my 2 kids. And, to top it off, she works 11hrs a day and so her daughter, who is 11, is home, in a one bedroom apt all by herself for 11 hrs. Talk about absent parent... The other day she slagged on me about my gut, which is not very big at all (I dont even drink). And another recent dig was, she said she has a problem with how I dress (jeans shorts tshirts). I said "I thought you liked the way I dress. You have always told me how "hot" I am". She said condescendingly, "Well, you see how I dress". Which I admit is very nice when she is at work but, at home she likes to wear a 20 yr old tshirt and sweatpants! Narcissitic personality disorder?

 

Am I too much of a softy? Should these things "bother" the average person?

Firstly I would say that you need to be careful 'diagnosing' someone with a mental health problem (unless you're a mental health practioner of course). However I do think that it sounds like your partner has certain issues.

 

Does she have a fear of contamination? Could explain her fear of walk around barefoot and her cleanliness issue.

 

As for the fact that she undermines your confidence with small digs about your appearance and your abilities as a father, it could be a sign of insecurity. I know from past experience with a verbally abusive ex boyfriend that this is a very damaging environment (and you have children to consider). My ex started off fine but after approximately six months the jibes started to appear, he would criticise my clothes, my hair, my weight, my family, he 'suggested' that my job was beneath me and that I had more earning potential, he called me physically repulsive until my confidence and self worth were through the floor. I eventually got out (after he had admitted they were all lies, it was his attempt to stop me from leaving him as he felt inferior to me).

 

Please think carefully about this relationship, if not for yourself, then for your kids. Have you tried talking to her about her behaviour and the fact that you're not happy with the way she is treating you? Perhaps this is the first step. I wish you luck.

[Eddie Edirol]

Shtubes, if you want her to be happy, you have to be happy first, and you have to be yourself. I dont know if she has some kind of OCD, but you wont be able to live with this for long. Also, it sounds like she is just picking at you for the sake of picking at you and she will never be happy, and neither will you. If you arent going to stand up to her in your own house, You need to dump her now, and do it in your bare feet. She will do this to your children eventually, you will have heavy resentment towards her for that as well.

[betterdeal]

One man's controlling behaviour is another's nagging is another's assertive expression of needs... don't get to hung up on the name to give this.

 

What do you say to her and what do you think when in one of these situations?

[iJester]

Run, don't walk. This is only going to get worse with time. Are you afraid of being alone or something? Normal people don't put up with this; dump her, and sever all contact, so she can't guilt you into coming back to her. Do it by text if you have to.

[Shtubes]

One man's controlling behaviour is another's nagging is another's assertive expression of needs... don't get to hung up on the name to give this.

 

What do you say to her and what do you think when in one of these situations?

 

Well in regards to the absent parent dig...I explained that my daughter cleans her room on a regular basis. She just caught it when it was not so I would think no big deal. Definitely not something to question the other parents skills on and insult them with a dig. And this was at 4mo! Personally, I was still way in the honeymoon phase at that point.

 

In regards to the clean feet thing and holding the door shut on me and pointing at my feet. I looked at her, tilted my head and rolled my eyes to say "come on, seriously". That lead to the second break up as I was not going to put up with that. It just felt extremely wrong to me. Like a powerplay. I am not a child and even tho I understood how it made her feel (after thinking about it), it was a dealbraker for me. Or so I thought cuz, after I broke up with her, 4 days later I wanted her back and I capitulated, thinking I could handle it to make her happy (because she has so many other nice qualities that I love). But it wore on me and made me feel very uneasy about the relationship and the situation.

 

 

When she came at me about how I dress, it really hurt cuz it just came from out of nowhere. I mean, all of a sudden, "BTW I don't like how you dress".... HUH??? Left a very bad taste...

Edited September 12, 2011 by Shtubes

[coolheadal]

^^^^coolheadal^^^

 

She has not swore at me yet but, she has belittled me. Recently, because my daughters room was messy she said I was an "absent parent". This hurt pretty bad as I have an excellent relationship with my 2 kids. And, to top it off, she works 11hrs a day and so her daughter, who is 11, is home, in a one bedroom apt all by herself for 11 hrs. Talk about absent parent... The other day she slagged on me about my gut, which is not very big at all (I dont even drink). And another recent dig was, she said she has a problem with how I dress (jeans shorts tshirts). I said "I thought you liked the way I dress. You have always told me how "hot" I am". She said condescendingly, "Well, you see how I dress". Which I admit is very nice when she is at work but, at home she likes to wear a 20 yr old tshirt and sweatpants! Narcissitic personality disorder?

 

Am I too much of a softy? Should these things "bother" the average person?

 

Yes she has that disorder and so did my wife they like to make threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. This is what's happening to you too. I had wore what you wear now and that drove mine up the wall. Told me I couldn't be in the same vehicle looking that like. I still wore it though. Once she had turned around her SUV to bring me back to the house. Once back she told me TO GET OUT! Like a mad women. I said why? Your getting on my nerves right now. I told her you need to relax and stop this issue with what I wear it makes you look stupid that made it worst. You can see how the narcissistic personality come out of her.

 

She know she has mood swings but there just too many of them. I hope you don't go through this. Just not a happy day. There is the JOB promotions can trigger things like she'll be able to better without you. Why do I need him just not cutting the mustard and not listening to my orders.

Edited September 12, 2011 by coolheadal

[coolheadal]

Well in regards to the absent parent dig...I explained that my daughter cleans her room on a regular basis. She just caught it when it was not so I would think no big deal. Definitely not something to question the other parents skills on and insult them with a dig. And this was at 4mo! Personally, I was still way in the honeymoon phase at that point.

 

In regards to the clean feet thing and holding the door shut on me and pointing at my feet. I looked at her, tilted my head and rolled my eyes to say "come on, seriously". That lead to the second break up as I was not going to put up with that. It just felt extremely wrong to me. Like a powerplay. I am not a child and even tho I understood how it made her feel (after thinking about it), it was a dealbraker for me. Or so I thought cuz, after I broke up with her, 4 days later I wanted her back and I capitulated, thinking I could handle it to make her happy (because she has so many other nice qualities that I love). But it wore on me and made me feel very uneasy about the relationship and the situation.

 

 

When she came at me about how I dress, it really hurt cuz it just came from out of nowhere. I mean, all of a sudden, "BTW I don't like how you dress".... HUH??? Left a very bad taste...

 

So does she do this to you also

 

criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by

 

Sounds like it. You need to step to the plate but at times you really can't do anything because you'll say I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

[sm1tten]

Please, let's stop with the diagnosing. It's unhelpful and frankly probably not even true. This to me sounds like a woman who is a neat-freak and probably insecure, but not someone who is actually mentally ill. If you are not willing to compromise further with her, then don't. If she is mean and condescending to you, then don't put up with it.

 

I mean some of these things are reasonable, and some of them aren't. You have to decide what you are comfortable with and proceed accordingly.

[coolheadal]

Please, let's stop with the diagnosing. It's unhelpful and frankly probably not even true. This to me sounds like a woman who is a neat-freak and probably insecure, but not someone who is actually mentally ill. If you are not willing to compromise further with her, then don't. If she is mean and condescending to you, then don't put up with it.

 

I mean some of these things are reasonable, and some of them aren't. You have to decide what you are comfortable with and proceed accordingly.

 

Just too bad, I had gone through this and I am sure the OP is getting a taste of this action as well. Not everyone going to be in the same type of relationship and most of you here might never go through this either. But I have and I hope I can help someone with this issue.

[Cypress25]

I don't think you're qualified to diagnose her with a psychiatric disorder, especially one as misunderstood as narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is actually extremely rare, and it's a very serious disorder. True narcissists are easy to identify; they're delusional. Your girlfriend is just bossy.

 

That said, she shouldn't be telling you how to keep your own house. I don't understand why people walk outside barefoot (you could step in dog sh*t or step on a rusty nail), but if you want to do that around your own home, that's your choice. Now, if you were doing that around her house, I could understand her behavior a little more.

 

Seems like she's more germophobic than anything (worrying that you're not clean enough for sex at night, etc). Maybe you should just go to her house from now on, and tell her you showered before you came.

[NXS]

In regards to the clean feet thing and holding the door shut on me and pointing at my feet.

 

This would be very difficult for me to take and probably be the end. As you said it's your home, so it's not her place to shut you out of your own home for any reason, especially over a trivial thing. She has control problems and is probably slowly trying to make you adapt to her ever more increasing demands. This isn't going to end, she more than likely has a list of things in her mind that needs to be changed.

 

Sure we all have to adapt to our SO's ways of doing things but when it's done in a belittling or demanding way then it's a red flag.

 

How does she get on with your children?

[coolheadal]

I don't think you're qualified to diagnose her with a psychiatric disorder, especially one as misunderstood as narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is actually extremely rare, and it's a very serious disorder. True narcissists are easy to identify; they're delusional. Your girlfriend is just bossy.

 

That said, she shouldn't be telling you how to keep your own house. I don't understand why people walk outside barefoot (you could step in dog sh*t or step on a rusty nail), but if you want to do that around your own home, that's your choice. Now, if you were doing that around her house, I could understand her behavior a little more.

 

Seems like she's more germophobic than anything (worrying that you're not clean enough for sex at night, etc). Maybe you should just go to her house from now on, and tell her you showered before you came.

 

You can walk outside barefoot just watch were your walk. If you keep your yard clean from the dog poo then you don't have to worry about stepping into it!

[sigurpol]

Diagnostics aside, yea, she's a control freak. About things that don't really matter. I'd be curious to know about some of her past relationships.

 

I feel like this is the sort of foundation the relationship is going to be built upon... holding you hostage over meaningless things. Who the **** cares when you take a shower? Who cares when you floss? Really? Inventing things to complain about. And some of the jabs she takes at you a person and parent? Give me a break.

 

I'm a push-over too, but I know when something isn't right. I'd work on getting away from this person if she can't pick her battles.

[Cypress25]

You can walk outside barefoot just watch were your walk. If you keep your yard clean from the dog poo then you don't have to worry about stepping into it!

 

You never know what your neighbor's dog did 10 minutes ago. ;-)

[coolheadal]

Diagnostics aside, yea, she's a control freak. About things that don't really matter. I'd be curious to know about some of her past relationships.

 

I feel like this is the sort of foundation the relationship is going to be built upon... holding you hostage over meaningless things. Who the **** cares when you take a shower? Who cares when you floss? Really? Inventing things to complain about. And some of the jabs she takes at you a person and parent? Give me a break.

 

I'm a push-over too, but I know when something isn't right. I'd work on getting away from this person if she can't pick her battles.

 

Mine never shown signs of this until later in the marriage. But she and I have split up, but even though she still wants to me to drop everything to help her. Like last night I get a call from her wanting me to help her connect to her company network. I told her 3 times what to do. I told her I'll call you back in 30 minutes. Of course I never did. She kept on ringing the phone like a freak and I know her mood swings must have kicked in. I will not help and I will not let her control me.

[betterdeal]

Well in regards to the absent parent dig...I explained that my daughter cleans her room on a regular basis. She just caught it when it was not so I would think no big deal. Definitely not something to question the other parents skills on and insult them with a dig. And this was at 4mo! Personally, I was still way in the honeymoon phase at that point.

 

In regards to the clean feet thing and holding the door shut on me and pointing at my feet. I looked at her, tilted my head and rolled my eyes to say "come on, seriously". That lead to the second break up as I was not going to put up with that. It just felt extremely wrong to me. Like a powerplay. I am not a child and even tho I understood how it made her feel (after thinking about it), it was a dealbraker for me. Or so I thought cuz, after I broke up with her, 4 days later I wanted her back and I capitulated, thinking I could handle it to make her happy (because she has so many other nice qualities that I love). But it wore on me and made me feel very uneasy about the relationship and the situation.

 

 

When she came at me about how I dress, it really hurt cuz it just came from out of nowhere. I mean, all of a sudden, "BTW I don't like how you dress".... HUH??? Left a very bad taste...

 

What I read here is that you respond in one way then change your mind later, which suggests the way you respond doesn't accord with how you fundamentally feel about the incidents at the time.

 

There's two factors to consider in each conflict situation: the subject of the conflict and the way in which the conflict is conducted.

 

For example, say you're stood in a doorway and I want to get past: if I barge into you and shout "move, f*cker" that'd be distinctly different than if I say "Excuse, can I get past?" The outcome of each exchange would probably be different too, agreed? Even though the subject matter (passage through the doorway) remains the same.

 

So, how does this affect your relationship? The way in which you guys are interacting is affecting the outcome; not just the subject matter. You can choose to address the way in which things are said and maybe that will change the outcome.

 

How do you like to discuss things like this? Think about that and talk to her about that.

 

I also get the feeling you're a bit lost for how to assert yourself. The simplest way is to say how you feel, what she does that makes you feel that way and what you'd like her to do about it. You ought to also consider what you will do if she declines to do whatever it is you ask her to do. That's a part of assertiveness training. Personally, I liked this book:

 

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy by Manuel J. Smith

 

It's old, but it is the backbone of almost all assertiveness training you'll find today. Fundamentally, it's ideas of how to communicate during a conflict.

[sigurpol]

Mine never shown signs of this until later in the marriage. But she and I have split up, but even though she still wants to me to drop everything to help her. Like last night I get a call from her wanting me to help her connect to her company network. I told her 3 times what to do. I told her I'll call you back in 30 minutes. Of course I never did. She kept on ringing the phone like a freak and I know her mood swings must have kicked in. I will not help and I will not let her control me.

 

Word.

 

Yea, you don't need to enable any of that behavior. What a shame.

[coolheadal]

Like she won't let go of me..

[FitChick]

Go for couples counseling.

[coolheadal]

Go for couples counseling.

 

Who's this for the OP or me.. If it's for me I am over 1,400 miles from the nutty women. I won't go back to her.. I am at peace

[Shtubes]

What I read here is that you respond in one way then change your mind later, which suggests the way you respond doesn't accord with how you fundamentally feel about the incidents at the time.

 

 

No, I fundamentally felt bad and saw red flags during this incident. I changed my mind because she has so many other great qualities and...

1. I didn't want to lose her and be alone again.
   
2. I pussified myself because the sex was so good.
   
3. I was madly in love with her and was willing to work with her.
   
4. I thought I could handle it and be accomodating to make her happy.
   

Remember this is at 4 months and we had only had one other tiff...

 

So, how does this affect your relationship? The way in which you guys are interacting is affecting the outcome; not just the subject matter. You can choose to address the way in which things are said and maybe that will change the outcome.

 

Yes, of course, the way we interacted affected the outcome. I was hurt. I don't like to be hurt. I came back in the house and we didn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I wish I did. I wish I could have expressed my feelings to make her understand that she hurt me and I didn't like it and how are we going to resolve this issue?

 

How do you like to discuss things like this? Think about that and talk to her about that.

 

At this point in my life, I can see I don't like to discuss things like this. I am hurt and so you are outta here. I can see that is very inflexible in itself. So, was it my ****up or hers?

 

I also get the feeling you're a bit lost for how to assert yourself. The simplest way is to say how you feel, what she does that makes you feel that way and what you'd like her to do about it. You ought to also consider what you will do if she declines to do whatever it is you ask her to do.

 

I agree. In the heat of the moment it is quite hard for me to say how I feel without getting angry. In the past I have blown up and I refuse to do that anymore. So I retreated and sulked.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Shtubes

[sm1tten]

You don't have to say it in the heat of the moment - in fact, it's better if you are not reactionary but are calm and simply say "I love you, but I don't appreciate it when you say/do ___, it makes me feel ____." Then she responds.