Author Jessica232 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Good luck on your NC. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. You're a brave woman for calling the BS and a good one for telling the truth. I know how it is to love someone and want to be with them even though they are a turd. As time goes by you'll see more of the turd and less of the love. He sounds like a selfish j*ackass for cutting communication with you but he'll be back if you let him. At least he was honest with you and you got confirmation of that. lol...already headed in that direction!
Author Jessica232 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 And she wonders why you stay and be the OW. You have to wonder why you stay and be the OW. You know he has no backbone or balls. You know that; yet you willingly continue to go through D day, after D Day, after D Day. She is the mother of his kids; she has more of a 'reason' to stay with him than you do! If he were in an accident, she makes the decisions; heck, she can bar you from even seeing him in a hospital. She has all legal rights. So you supposedly loves you. How is that enough for you? Are you okay staying the OW until ...... one of you dies? Don't you want more? I don't think she wonders why I stay. She told me she knows he loves me, she knows we talk for hours at a time, and they can barely communicate. She knows there is a deep connection there that they've never had. She also knows the reasons he struggles with leaving. And they have absolutely nothing to do with her. Why I have stayed....because I know, she knows, and he knows how this is going to end up. It's only a matter of time. Regardless of if I'm around or not, that marriage will end. I've stayed because I love him, and I know he loves me. But enough's enough. I DO want more, and I finally see if I'm going to get that, this is the ONLY way it will happen. With or without him.
Author Jessica232 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 The OP didn't say she was NC because she wants more. She did say that currently her MM isn't talking to her because he is probably doing damage control with his wife, so it sounds like the NC has mostly been initiated by him. She has been NC before and she said that it was day 1 of NC now. So if the MM called her right now, declaring his undying love for her and begging to see her, would she remain NC? Maybe, maybe not, but I think posters are trying to help her see why she needs to really enact NC and stick to it. I DO want to talk to him....so I can tell him off! I haven't spoken to him since I spoke with his wife. I did text him, and let him know she and I spoke. She had said she wasn't going to tell him, but I was hella mad at all the pain he's caused, and I had to let him know that. No response of course. At this point, I would love to talk to him, to tell him once again what I think of what he's doing, and how cowardly he's acting. But, I have no intention of continuing on. The only way I can make this better, with or without him, is by going NC and moving on. I've always initiated NC, but I've always gone back. And I see now, nothing gets accomplished that way.
Author Jessica232 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Excellent post! Does anyone realize HOW COMMON this is? The WS waits for one of the two women in the triangle to force his hand? The same characteristics of conflict avoidance and poor communication skills that make a MM initiate an affair are the same characteristics that make a MM want someone else BS or OW) to force his hand. Unless he chooses to work hard and change HIMSELF, these traits will not disappear. So, if you do land him, what happens? Your love will transform him? NOT! And when the going gets tough with you, he will most likely be crying on the next OW's shoulders about how sad and unhappy he is! Remember: Most people have the relationship they DESERVE. Deserve better! Good luck with NC. You can do it! Exactly. I have been on MM to enter IC. I just don't see how he can make his life better without it. He's got major issues. He has told me he finally sees he needs to go, but I guess we'll see.
xxoo Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Does anyone realize HOW COMMON this is? The WS waits for one of the two women in the triangle to force his hand? The most obvious reason would be--because they like things how they are better than any of the other choices. That doesn't mean they are thrilled with things the way they are, but it is better than the alternatives as they imagine them. They want it all--the stability at home and the OW. Ultimately, it is up to the women involved to decide if they are going to allow them to have it.
NoIDidn't Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 The most obvious reason would be--because they like things how they are better than any of the other choices. That doesn't mean they are thrilled with things the way they are, but it is better than the alternatives as they imagine them. They want it all--the stability at home and the OW. Ultimately, it is up to the women involved to decide if they are going to allow them to have it. The more and more I see the bolded, the more and more I disagree with it. A woman shouldn't make a decision to simply to deprive someone of something they want. Heck, any person shouldn't be in that business either. A woman should make every decision based on what SHE wants out of the deal and how it helps her and those that she cares for. The OW shouldn't stay with the MM in the hopes that the W will get tired of the A and kick him out. The W shouldn't stay with the MM just so that the OW doesn't get him. And neither should dump him just to deprive him of his cake. Depriving him of his cake is just a possible consequence of either woman looking out for what's best for her. How often these women find out there are others just waiting to fill in the space they just vacated and get angry about it (and want to *warn* that woman too)! Its because their reason for walking away wasn't right. They should walk away because its best for them, not because they want him to be left with nothing. Sorry for my mini-rant. Just wanted to say why I disagree with that nugget that keeps showing up over and over again from so many posters. It just sounds like "make him hurt", not "do what's best for you".
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 The more and more I see the bolded, the more and more I disagree with it. A woman shouldn't make a decision to simply to deprive someone of something they want. Heck, any person shouldn't be in that business either. A woman should make every decision based on what SHE wants out of the deal and how it helps her and those that she cares for. The OW shouldn't stay with the MM in the hopes that the W will get tired of the A and kick him out. The W shouldn't stay with the MM just so that the OW doesn't get him. And neither should dump him just to deprive him of his cake. Depriving him of his cake is just a possible consequence of either woman looking out for what's best for her. How often these women find out there are others just waiting to fill in the space they just vacated and get angry about it (and want to *warn* that woman too)! Its because their reason for walking away wasn't right. They should walk away because its best for them, not because they want him to be left with nothing. Sorry for my mini-rant. Just wanted to say why I disagree with that nugget that keeps showing up over and over again from so many posters. It just sounds like "make him hurt", not "do what's best for you". WOW, NID!!!! Valid point. I totally agree!!! No ONE should leave or stay with anyone based on what it does or doesn't do for someone else. This goes to my point of another thread that was about why do OW get so wrapped up into why she stays. My thought was this: In my relationship, and I've seen a lot of others like this, my xMM plotted his W and me agaisnt eachother. xMM telling W that I want her life and I obsessed over her, etc, etc. xMM telling me that the W obsessed over me, she wonders how I dress, what I do, etc. etc. He blames the OW for stalking and chasin him, for talking what was "friends" into another realm and suduced him. xMM tells OW that W manipulates him and traps him to stay, that he wants to leave but its the W's fault that he doesn't leave. Constantly blaming everything on the other. So in human nature, these women become compeitive with eachother, with out even noticing it, or seeing that the Mother Effer in the middle is the crap stirrer. I can honestly say, I stayed because I thought she would grow tired and give up. And I KNOW she stays so I can't have him, she has told me that. I didn't even realize this sick S*** until I got my ass out of the s*** storm!!!
xxoo Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 A woman should make every decision based on what SHE wants out of the deal and how it helps her and those that she cares for. My brain may work differently, but I that is what I mean when I said what you quoted. It is about each woman accepting the reality as is, and deciding if she wants to be part of it as is. None of my post was written with an attitude of "make him hurt". It just is what it is.
country_gurl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 If HE has no backbone, well either do you because you're actively continuing to be a part of this dysfunctional triangle. If you had self-esteem and a real sense of right and wrong, you would have ended things with him a long time ago. How have you been able to love someone who can't even be respected? He's playing his wife, he's playing you. What a great place for him. He's got the wife to keep the homefires burning/looking after the children/wash his skidmarked boxers and make his meals....and with you, you're a nice little side-dish/diversion and a nice warm place for his penis. I feel incredibly sorry for the innocent ones here who have no say in anything and that's his children. Even very young children can pick up on unhappiness/dysfunction/disharmony in the home between their parents. They "see" that Mom and Dad don't hug/kiss/show affection to one another and are more like 2 ships passing in the night. Then they grow up with screwed perceptions of relationships. Don't you think it's incredibly screwed up that you and the wife of the man you're having an affair with are having conversations and asking the questions that you're each asking each other? Unbelievable.
wannabdone Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 If HE has no backbone, well either do you because you're actively continuing to be a part of this dysfunctional triangle. If you had self-esteem and a real sense of right and wrong, you would have ended things with him a long time ago. How have you been able to love someone who can't even be respected? He's playing his wife, he's playing you. What a great place for him. He's got the wife to keep the homefires burning/looking after the children/wash his skidmarked boxers and make his meals....and with you, you're a nice little side-dish/diversion and a nice warm place for his penis. I feel incredibly sorry for the innocent ones here who have no say in anything and that's his children. Even very young children can pick up on unhappiness/dysfunction/disharmony in the home between their parents. They "see" that Mom and Dad don't hug/kiss/show affection to one another and are more like 2 ships passing in the night. Then they grow up with screwed perceptions of relationships. Don't you think it's incredibly screwed up that you and the wife of the man you're having an affair with are having conversations and asking the questions that you're each asking each other? Unbelievable. CG... Jess just posted a new thread and is starting to see the light here and finding her back bone. I think as far as the self esteem part, I think thats a very valid statement, I think that when you get into these relationships there is probably a scarred self esteem already, but unfortunately these R, do even more so damage to it, IMO. The part of having any real sense of wrong or right, you can be in an A, and be a good person, with a clear understanding or wrong or right. However, you make excuses that "this was meant", etc. etc. and will make what is wrong into what is right. Its sad, but its true. With the conversations part of the W and her, no. Not weird. Screwed up? yes, but normal. Often the W is wanting answers to all her questions. She has been gaslighted so much by her H, she is at her wits end and is wanting the truth. She will go about it by being nice or by manipulating, but both is to get the answers and truth, since she has been lied to for so long. And being if the OW is any kind of decent person, she will give her the answers and speak with her. Out of what they feel like is respect and that she deserves it. It is screwed up, but the entire thing is screwed up. Two women basically going at it for one man who can not be trusted and issues no respect for anyone. And it is sad that the children are affected. But something tells me that whether Jess was involved or not, they would be like two ships passing in the night anyways. I'm sure this was by no means a perfect relationship before the A started, if it had been, there would be no A. I'm sure it did do some damage, sure. But they probably still would have had their problems. And there lies another issues with this, its like the A takes presidence over making the M good. When d day happens, the H or who ever is having the A, is just trying to get the dust to settle, and the real issue is skirted, that they really need to work on the M itself and make it better. It seems to be a vicious cycle so many people fall into.
NoIDidn't Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Sorry for my mini-rant. Just wanted to say why I disagree with that nugget that keeps showing up over and over again from so many posters. It just sounds like "make him hurt", not "do what's best for you". My brain may work differently, but I that is what I mean when I said what you quoted. It is about each woman accepting the reality as is, and deciding if she wants to be part of it as is. None of my post was written with an attitude of "make him hurt". It just is what it is. I quoted your post because you were the last to state it. I think the above points out that I wasn't saying you had an attitude of "make him hurt", just that I feel it sounds like it whenever I read it. It wasn't personal.
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GabbyGirl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So do you think it is a good idea to tell the wife the truth? I am contemplating telling her that she and the kids deserve better.
bentnotbroken Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 So do you think it is a good idea to tell the wife the truth? I am contemplating telling her that she and the kids deserve better. Do you get to make that call?
GabbyGirl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I would be the one telling the wife. I certainly would want to know if my husband was cheating on me. But I suspect his cheating has gone on for years and she probably has an idea already.
bentnotbroken Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I would be the one telling the wife. I certainly would want to know if my husband was cheating on me. But I suspect his cheating has gone on for years and she probably has an idea already. I don't question you telling her. I question whether you get to decide if she and the children deserve better(I agree with they do deserve better)but shouldn't she figure that out?
GabbyGirl Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Well that is why I asked the question I did, to get opinions. Knowing what kind of man he is now I do feel sorry for the wife and kids. Even I deserve better than to be lied to and used.
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