Another Dday....spoke with his wife.

[Jessica232]

Just had D day #3 or is it 4? lol

 

MM and I went about a month without talking. Not after the last D day, but after I got fed up and ended things briefly. We started back up mid August, and once again it was, I can't live without you, you're the one for me, I've never felt this way about anyone, I'm not in love with my wife, and I'm only staying for the kids. I have always believed him, believed he stays only for the kids, and I know he loves me. I have seen physical signs of the pain and distress he's in, over not knowing how to resolve the situation. But enough's enough, and we have fought nonstop since getting back together, as I just cannot stand that he will not take control of his life, when he is admittedly unhappy, and move forward. I also was on him to be honest, because his wife deserves to know how he feels, and deserves to find someone to love her fully.

 

Long story short, we had a huge fight, and MM thought I was going to tell her, so he told her himself. She knew we were still in contact, as we work together, but she didn't know the extent, or so I thought. The next day after he told her, she asked through email that I call her. I was a little hesitant, because I didn't know how it was going to go, or if she was going to say things to either hurt me or manipulate the situation. But, I felt that at the very least, I owed her that.

 

It actually was a nice conversation. I walked away from it feeling very sad for her, for them, and pleasantly surprised that MM has never lied to me.

She knows he loves me. She knows he loves her, but not like he should. She confirmed that he only stays there for the kids, but more so in her opinion because he's afraid to hurt his mom and grandma by divorcing. She also confirmed they haven't had any physical contact since before I was in the picture, and when she has found out about the affair before, he hasn't ever told her he wanted to stay because he loves her, it's always been about the kids. He never shows love, and there is not much communication between them. She said she knows he wants out deep down, that he's not happy, and in love with someone else, but that he has no decision making skills and she feels that he has put this on her to make the decision.

 

I do not think she is going to leave. I asked her if she loves him, and she said yes. I asked her if she's in love with him, and she said that it's hard to answer because of all the hurt, and there's so much distrust. She asked me if I was done with him, where he and I stood. I could tell she knows that he's not going to stop seeing me unless that's what I want. I told her I really want to be done with him, that for the first time I am seeing all his faults, but that I wouldn't promise her we are over, because I do love him. But I promised her I would tell her the truth always, if she asked me. I do not understand why she stays??

 

MM is not currently talking to me. He is doing damage control once again, trying to ensure his wife doesn't leave with the kids. He's sure he can live his life there, completely unfulfilled, just for the kids. He's also extremely mad at me, feeling that I'M getting his kids taken away. He always blames me, and takes no responsibility for his actions. I'm sure he now also feels that I've betrayed him and he can't trust me. Yawn.

 

I know I have to take myself out of this, as I know neither of them are going to make a move. I know I have to be strong and stay away. I keep asking myself why I would want such a cowardly man. He doesn't have the balls to live his life the way he wants to, and I'm so the opposite of that. I'm having a hard time today, I know I have to let go and find someone that can really share a life with me. But I love him. I certainly don't WANT to love him anymore. So much pain.

 

Day one of NC. Wish me luck.

[Lucky_One]

Both of them ARE making a move, and they are making it in the same direction. It just is not the move that YOU want them to make.

 

It hurts like a bitch, and she has told you point blank that she loves her husband. That is why she isn't going to leave him or ask him to leave. That is easily as understandable as it is to understand why a OW will stay in an EMA even when she is miserable sharing her MM.

 

He's angry with you and not talking to you? I don't really see that as assurance that he won't stop seeing you unless you put at end to it. I see that as assurance that he WILL stop seeing you until he gets his marriage into a less volatile state and then he will see you if he wants to.

 

I wish you luck in your NC, and I hope that you have the strength to make this a final NC

[26pointblue]

Hi Jessica, I just wanted to let you know that I read your post & can relate. I had a similar conversation w/ my xMM's BS, except that she pleaded with me to leave him alone because she told me she knew he wasn't strong enough to leave me alone. When it came down to logistics, though, it was the same exact scenario: she knew he wasn't leaving her, actually said he was living a double life, & I knew he wasn't leaving her, but we both knew he wasn't going to stop contacting me. And like your MM's BS, I knew she wasn't going to leave him - she loved him & had built a life with him & wasn't about to give it up because I was in the picture, but had experienced a lot of hurt & distrust, & didn't want to stay with him if he was continuing to see me, yet, just wanted him to stop seeing me.

 

I realized then how cowardly he was acting & that essentially he wanted both: his stable life & status & comfort w/ his family, which included his wife, & his fun, exciting life w/ me. I began to wonder what kind of a person I was for staying with him [like in your situation, by the time xMM's BS contacted me, I had already walked away from him but he was still trying to pull me back in], knowing that he was willingly hurting his wife & dragging her through this mess. I began to be glad I wasn't her . . . it's weird, I don't 'pity' her or think she's dumb for staying with him -- I could understand her position & had stayed with him through a lot of hurt & distrust despite not having the long historical ties & family/financial bonds, etc., so how could i think that? -- but I began to understand all the sides: I wanted him to only be with me, she wanted him to only be with her, & he wanted to be with both of us, hurting both of us along the way. I began to see that there was truly no place for me in that picture. He had made his choice & I didn't want his decisons about us to depend on what she did . . . but really they all boiled down to depending on what he wanted & was doing, even if he was using her as an excuse.

 

And like your MM's BS, once mine's BS started to get serious & pull away because she was fed up with him, he got mad at me & begged & pleaded for her to take him back, & started distrusting ME because he was blame-shifting, etc. . . . it was a really ugly time & I'm glad it's over. I'm glad you've gone NC, it's the right decision, & all you can do is keep moving forward & focusing on yourself no matter what he does or doesn't do. This is a cowardly, selfish man, willing to hurt the two women who love him, in my opinion even worse is that he's willing to keep hurting the woman he took vows with & made a life with, for his own selfish gain, all the while hurting you instead of just letting you know where he stands & letting you go . . . so you have to stop hurting yourself for him, & do what you know is best for you. Good luck.

[donnamaybe]

Wow. That is a sad situation for all concerned. No one should stay in a loveless R. He shouldn't, and she shouldn't. But - you want a man with more backbone than that, don't you?

 

Good luck with whatever you choose in this.

[jthorne]

He always blames me, and takes no responsibility for his actions.

So why is this the person you want all to yourself? Do you expect this character trait to magically change once the big bad marriage is disposed of?

[Jessica232]

Both of them ARE making a move, and they are making it in the same direction. It just is not the move that YOU want them to make.

 

It hurts like a bitch, and she has told you point blank that she loves her husband. That is why she isn't going to leave him or ask him to leave. That is easily as understandable as it is to understand why a OW will stay in an EMA even when she is miserable sharing her MM.

 

He's angry with you and not talking to you? I don't really see that as assurance that he won't stop seeing you unless you put at end to it. I see that as assurance that he WILL stop seeing you until he gets his marriage into a less volatile state and then he will see you if he wants to.

 

I wish you luck in your NC, and I hope that you have the strength to make this a final NC

 

No, neither of them are making a move. Even if they stay together, they do nothing to proactively make the relationship better. They don't go to counseling, they don't talk about the situation....they don't even talk lol, they just sweep it under the rug. That's why I get so angry with him. Even if he doesn't want to be with me, that's fine, I love him, and I want him to be happy. But this cycle will repeat (even without me) unless they make some type of move forward.

[Jessica232]

Hi Jessica, I just wanted to let you know that I read your post & can relate. I had a similar conversation w/ my xMM's BS, except that she pleaded with me to leave him alone because she told me she knew he wasn't strong enough to leave me alone. When it came down to logistics, though, it was the same exact scenario: she knew he wasn't leaving her, actually said he was living a double life, & I knew he wasn't leaving her, but we both knew he wasn't going to stop contacting me. And like your MM's BS, I knew she wasn't going to leave him - she loved him & had built a life with him & wasn't about to give it up because I was in the picture, but had experienced a lot of hurt & distrust, & didn't want to stay with him if he was continuing to see me, yet, just wanted him to stop seeing me.

 

I realized then how cowardly he was acting & that essentially he wanted both: his stable life & status & comfort w/ his family, which included his wife, & his fun, exciting life w/ me. I began to wonder what kind of a person I was for staying with him [like in your situation, by the time xMM's BS contacted me, I had already walked away from him but he was still trying to pull me back in], knowing that he was willingly hurting his wife & dragging her through this mess. I began to be glad I wasn't her . . . it's weird, I don't 'pity' her or think she's dumb for staying with him -- I could understand her position & had stayed with him through a lot of hurt & distrust despite not having the long historical ties & family/financial bonds, etc., so how could i think that? -- but I began to understand all the sides: I wanted him to only be with me, she wanted him to only be with her, & he wanted to be with both of us, hurting both of us along the way. I began to see that there was truly no place for me in that picture. He had made his choice & I didn't want his decisons about us to depend on what she did . . . but really they all boiled down to depending on what he wanted & was doing, even if he was using her as an excuse.

 

And like your MM's BS, once mine's BS started to get serious & pull away because she was fed up with him, he got mad at me & begged & pleaded for her to take him back, & started distrusting ME because he was blame-shifting, etc. . . . it was a really ugly time & I'm glad it's over. I'm glad you've gone NC, it's the right decision, & all you can do is keep moving forward & focusing on yourself no matter what he does or doesn't do. This is a cowardly, selfish man, willing to hurt the two women who love him, in my opinion even worse is that he's willing to keep hurting the woman he took vows with & made a life with, for his own selfish gain, all the while hurting you instead of just letting you know where he stands & letting you go . . . so you have to stop hurting yourself for him, & do what you know is best for you. Good luck.

 

Exactly. I never wanted to be this person, and I'm just as weak for staying here for so long.

[Jessica232]

Wow. That is a sad situation for all concerned. No one should stay in a loveless R. He shouldn't, and she shouldn't. But - you want a man with more backbone than that, don't you?

 

Good luck with whatever you choose in this.

 

 

YES!! I am finally seeing his issues and faults clearly.

[Jessica232]

Forcing the BS to make a decision...seems fairly common. I think it has to do with lack of courage and to relieve some guilt. If they do what they want for themselves, they have to own the damage done to their family. If the BS makes the choice, it relieves some of the emotional burden for them (or so they think...they still don't know what they would feel if the BS ended the M).

 

Not taking responsibility for his actions...ouch. That's hard to deal with no matter what type of relationship it is. I've had a few relationships like that and lemme tell ya, it gets VERY old. Some things you think, okay whatever, but then when it comes to having serious discussions to try to resolve relationship issues, it never goes anywhere. They are so busy deflecting the blame that they can't hear you and think for one minute their actions have anything to do with the problem. You're dodging a bullet on that one. It's like trying to have an adult conversation with a 4 year old.

 

 

You couldn't have stated my thoughts better on the blame shifting and deflecting. It's like hitting your head against a wall over and over again.

[26pointblue]

Exactly. I never wanted to be this person, and I'm just as weak for staying here for so long.

 

I hear ya. However I think it's when we get to this place of self-analysis & self-reflection that we can truly move forward. Soon you honestly won't care if he's working on his marriage or not, why he stays married, etc. You will see that your focus is where it should be: on yourself & why you chose to get into this & stay for so long, & what you can do to ensure you never make those mistakes again. I really believe this is the way towards healing. Good luck.

[wannabdone]

Argh Jess....

 

I'm so, so, sorry. That is a very painful experience. My heart breaks for you. I too have had encounters such as that, but mine weren't as peaceful, my was full on full of her trying to manipulate me and belittle me, which I allowed because I felt like I had no rights. She never claimed and has never claimed in the multiple times she has called me to love him, but I knew whether she did or not, she was never leaving him.

 

Still it does hurt like a bitch...even if he is such a coward, because you had hoped for so much more. And you deserve so much more.

 

Hugs!

[So Very Confused]

Good luck on your NC. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. You're a brave woman for calling the BS and a good one for telling the truth.

 

I know how it is to love someone and want to be with them even though they are a turd. As time goes by you'll see more of the turd and less of the love.

 

He sounds like a selfish j*ackass for cutting communication with you but he'll be back if you let him. At least he was honest with you and you got confirmation of that.

[wannabdone]

Good luck on your NC. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. You're a brave woman for calling the BS and a good one for telling the truth.

 

I know how it is to love someone and want to be with them even though they are a turd. As time goes by you'll see more of the turd and less of the love.

 

He sounds like a selfish j*ackass for cutting communication with you but he'll be back if you let him. At least he was honest with you and you got confirmation of that.

 

:laugh: THIS MADE ME LMAO!!!!! TOO FUNNY.... A TURD. :D:laugh::lmao:

[fooled once]

. I do not understand why she stays??

 

And she wonders why you stay and be the OW.

 

You have to wonder why you stay and be the OW.

 

You know he has no backbone or balls. You know that; yet you willingly continue to go through D day, after D Day, after D Day.

 

She is the mother of his kids; she has more of a 'reason' to stay with him than you do! If he were in an accident, she makes the decisions; heck, she can bar you from even seeing him in a hospital. She has all legal rights.

 

So you supposedly loves you. How is that enough for you? Are you okay staying the OW until ...... one of you dies? Don't you want more?

[26pointblue]

And she wonders why you stay and be the OW.

 

You have to wonder why you stay and be the OW.

 

You know he has no backbone or balls. You know that; yet you willingly continue to go through D day, after D Day, after D Day.

 

She is the mother of his kids; she has more of a 'reason' to stay with him than you do! If he were in an accident, she makes the decisions; heck, she can bar you from even seeing him in a hospital. She has all legal rights.

 

So you supposedly loves you. How is that enough for you? Are you okay staying the OW until ...... one of you dies? Don't you want more?

 

Yes, she said she wanted more & was tired of it so she is NC. I'm not trying to police/censor your posts Fooled Once; it's just that I think you have really good advice that sometimes gets lost because you come across over the top/so extreme & you sometimes don't look at or acknowledge what the poster is saying . . . she said she wants more, she said she has gone NC. So I say good for her.

[fooled once]

Yes, she said she wanted more & was tired of it so she is NC. I'm not trying to police/censor your posts Fooled Once; it's just that I think you have really good advice that sometimes gets lost because you come across over the top/so extreme & you sometimes don't look at or acknowledge what the poster is saying . . . she said she wants more, she said she has gone NC. So I say good for her.

 

26, I didn't see where she said she wanted more. I saw where she questioned why the wife stays. I saw where she can't quite seem to end it.

 

I posted what I did to show her (or help show her) that while she can't believe the WIFE stays, I can't see why SHE stays (and maybe it will make her go "hmmm, why do I stay"). Don't expect you or anyone to agree with me.

 

She said they ended and started back again in August. She said

 

I know I have to take myself out of this, as I know neither of them are going to make a move. I know I have to be strong and stay away. I keep asking myself why I would want such a cowardly man. He doesn't have the balls to live his life the way he wants to, and I'm so the opposite of that. I'm having a hard time today, I know I have to let go and find someone that can really share a life with me. But I love him. I certainly don't WANT to love him anymore. So much pain.

 

Yes, today is day 1 NC; but as you know, many OW go through many attempts at NC.

 

Maybe, just maybe, having me ask her WHY she stays or WHY she continues to allow him back in her life she will have that lightbulb moment. Not saying she will or won't - but I believe Jessica has been very good about all the responses to her. If I could help her stay NC, then that's great, right? We all want the same thing - for Jessica to find peace and to not hurt. Well, hurting is part of ending an affair. I would rather her hurt today than to hurt months from now or kick herself saying "dang it, why didn't I listen??"

 

Jessica, I honestly meant no offense and I apologize if you took it that way. I am pretty blunt and to the point I wish you well and hope you stay NC for your sake!

[NoIDidn't]

Jess

 

The story in the OP is exactly why I tell people to stay away from married people. They may very well hate each other and only be staying for their kids, but its nobody else's business to care about that.

 

I would hope that no one really wants to be the person to twist the knife into the back of that wife that they know is being hurt by their boyfriend's actions but still continue to do them.

 

I'm really sad for his W, but just as sad for you. You have the opportunity to find real love, love you can call your own, but you sound like you are settling for whatever he can give you. He's mad at you that his W might grow the backbone that he lacks and actually leave him. At this point, it doesn't matter if he ever lied to you or that they never have sex. The fact that he would hurt you and his W while claiming to look out for his children (all while damaging them because of the state of his marriage to their mom) is really telling.

 

I hope you find the strength to walk away sooner than later. The part time love he's offering and the fact that he won't even stand up for you but blames you that he might lose his children is really upsetting.

[wannabdone]

Jess,

 

Everyone makes valid points, points that I am sure you are and have been aware of. you should stay away from a MM, you should run not walk, she will never leave, and the list goes on and on.

 

The fact is, is that no matter what you knew or know, you wanted to give this a chance, you loved him and you wanted to be with him and it hurts, I know. Its a pain that will take a while to get over. But, as long as you try to continue on a path of moving on your life... YOU WILL GET OVER. However, if you don't, and you continue to see him, this hurt will just continue to linger. And the hurt and pain gets more and more as you watch 1 by 1 the precious years you have been graced with dissapear from your life.

 

the first step, which is seems like you are trying to do is acceptance. Accepting that he will not leave and she will not leave. The following steps is acceptance on your part, what you wanted, but did not get, and will never have. Then you have to accept and trust me I find this the hardest is you will never know or understand the reasons for why. Why did he give up on us, why does she stay.... seems crazy and we can't understand crazy. But, you have to let go why everyone else is doing what they are doing and concentrate on why you have. I know its because you loved him, duh.... but really the deeper why. Why do we value ourselves so little that we are willing to continue to put up with little to nothing.

 

You deserve so much better and I know you will have it and get it. Baby steps...thats all it takes. You won't figure it out or be over it in a day, it takes time.

 

You will be a better person after this.

 

Head up....this too shall pass.

[awkward]

YES!! I am finally seeing his issues and faults clearly.

 

Good, stay strong. Here's hoping that their Dday #5 won't involve you.

[KathyM]

Just had D day #3 or is it 4? lol

 

MM and I went about a month without talking. Not after the last D day, but after I got fed up and ended things briefly. We started back up mid August, and once again it was, I can't live without you, you're the one for me, I've never felt this way about anyone, I'm not in love with my wife, and I'm only staying for the kids. I have always believed him, believed he stays only for the kids, and I know he loves me. I have seen physical signs of the pain and distress he's in, over not knowing how to resolve the situation. But enough's enough, and we have fought nonstop since getting back together, as I just cannot stand that he will not take control of his life, when he is admittedly unhappy, and move forward. I also was on him to be honest, because his wife deserves to know how he feels, and deserves to find someone to love her fully.

 

Long story short, we had a huge fight, and MM thought I was going to tell her, so he told her himself. She knew we were still in contact, as we work together, but she didn't know the extent, or so I thought. The next day after he told her, she asked through email that I call her. I was a little hesitant, because I didn't know how it was going to go, or if she was going to say things to either hurt me or manipulate the situation. But, I felt that at the very least, I owed her that.

 

It actually was a nice conversation. I walked away from it feeling very sad for her, for them, and pleasantly surprised that MM has never lied to me.

She knows he loves me. She knows he loves her, but not like he should. She confirmed that he only stays there for the kids, but more so in her opinion because he's afraid to hurt his mom and grandma by divorcing. She also confirmed they haven't had any physical contact since before I was in the picture, and when she has found out about the affair before, he hasn't ever told her he wanted to stay because he loves her, it's always been about the kids. He never shows love, and there is not much communication between them. She said she knows he wants out deep down, that he's not happy, and in love with someone else, but that he has no decision making skills and she feels that he has put this on her to make the decision.

 

I do not think she is going to leave. I asked her if she loves him, and she said yes. I asked her if she's in love with him, and she said that it's hard to answer because of all the hurt, and there's so much distrust. She asked me if I was done with him, where he and I stood. I could tell she knows that he's not going to stop seeing me unless that's what I want. I told her I really want to be done with him, that for the first time I am seeing all his faults, but that I wouldn't promise her we are over, because I do love him. But I promised her I would tell her the truth always, if she asked me. I do not understand why she stays??

 

MM is not currently talking to me. He is doing damage control once again, trying to ensure his wife doesn't leave with the kids. He's sure he can live his life there, completely unfulfilled, just for the kids. He's also extremely mad at me, feeling that I'M getting his kids taken away. He always blames me, and takes no responsibility for his actions. I'm sure he now also feels that I've betrayed him and he can't trust me. Yawn.

 

I know I have to take myself out of this, as I know neither of them are going to make a move. I know I have to be strong and stay away. I keep asking myself why I would want such a cowardly man. He doesn't have the balls to live his life the way he wants to, and I'm so the opposite of that. I'm having a hard time today, I know I have to let go and find someone that can really share a life with me. But I love him. I certainly don't WANT to love him anymore. So much pain.

 

Day one of NC. Wish me luck.

Good luck. It sounds like you realize you deserve better than what you are getting out of this, and you see him for the coward that he is. Keep telling yourself that you deserve better. And that you don't want to be mixed up in this drama. Keep telling yourself that if he really wanted to leave, he would have. What he wants is to have both his family and his relationship with you. Well, that's not possible. He has to choose. By staying with his family, he has chosen. It doesn't work to share a man. You will always be getting the short end of the stick. You've made the right decision to stay away from him.

[jj33]

Jess good for you for getting out. Maybe one day he will grow a pair but until he does, noone can pry him out of his marriage.

 

Everyone wonders why all three parties in the triangle stay. Why does an OW who wants more stay? Hope he will leave. Why does a BS stay? Hope he will stop cheating and work on the marriage.

 

The big question is why does the MP stay and cheat? And that answer varies from person to person but his motivations dont define your life. Good for you for choosing not to be a martyr to his choices. It would be one thing if you were happy with teh situation but you are not. And you value yourself enough to get out of something that has ceased to make you happy rather than chasing an elusive dream. I always say with such a high divorce rate, if someone wanted out, really wanted out, they would leave. If they dont they have their own reasons for staying and in only a few situations are they unique. If its lack of balls well you staying with him isnt going to change that.

 

So remember your resolve every time you think of breaking NC. If he has news (guess what I grew a pair), he knows where to find you.

[alexandria35]

Yes, she said she wanted more & was tired of it so she is NC. I'm not trying to police/censor your posts Fooled Once; it's just that I think you have really good advice that sometimes gets lost because you come across over the top/so extreme & you sometimes don't look at or acknowledge what the poster is saying . . . she said she wants more, she said she has gone NC. So I say good for her.

 

The OP didn't say she was NC because she wants more. She did say that currently her MM isn't talking to her because he is probably doing damage control with his wife, so it sounds like the NC has mostly been initiated by him.

 

She has been NC before and she said that it was day 1 of NC now. So if the MM called her right now, declaring his undying love for her and begging to see her, would she remain NC? Maybe, maybe not, but I think posters are trying to help her see why she needs to really enact NC and stick to it.

[Spark1111]

Forcing the BS to make a decision...seems fairly common. I think it has to do with lack of courage and to relieve some guilt. If they do what they want for themselves, they have to own the damage done to their family. If the BS makes the choice, it relieves some of the emotional burden for them (or so they think...they still don't know what they would feel if the BS ended the M).

 

Not taking responsibility for his actions...ouch. That's hard to deal with no matter what type of relationship it is. I've had a few relationships like that and lemme tell ya, it gets VERY old. Some things you think, okay whatever, but then when it comes to having serious discussions to try to resolve relationship issues, it never goes anywhere. They are so busy deflecting the blame that they can't hear you and think for one minute their actions have anything to do with the problem. You're dodging a bullet on that one. It's like trying to have an adult conversation with a 4 year old.

 

Excellent post!

 

Does anyone realize HOW COMMON this is? The WS waits for one of the two women in the triangle to force his hand?

 

The same characteristics of conflict avoidance and poor communication skills that make a MM initiate an affair are the same characteristics that make a MM want someone else BS or OW) to force his hand.

 

Unless he chooses to work hard and change HIMSELF, these traits will not disappear.

 

So, if you do land him, what happens? Your love will transform him?

 

NOT!

 

And when the going gets tough with you, he will most likely be crying on the next OW's shoulders about how sad and unhappy he is!

 

Remember: Most people have the relationship they DESERVE.

 

Deserve better!

 

Good luck with NC. You can do it!

[26pointblue]

Ok, FooledOnce & Alexandria, I see your points & I know we are all trying to encourage her. :-) Sorry for butting in ha ha. I agree that she needs to have firm reasons for staying NC no matter what. She can move on & find someone who treats her much better, start over fresh.

 

And yes, I do think often the MM stays frozen and/or cake-eating until the OW or the BS does something to kick him off the fence one way or the other. In my experience whenever there was a D-Day xMM would do everything appearance wise to save the marriage but whenever I got tired of waiting on him & was truly ready to leave, he did everything appearance wise to save our 'relationship.' I think this is why it's hard to leave-- he says all the right things & appears to be doing all the right things, to BS & OW, & both want to believe him. But then I started noticing inconsistencies/outright lies, plus the major fact that he was staying married, & realized I didn't want to be with him . . . but it was definitely a process that took quite a long time to be able to get to that point.

[wannabdone]

Excellent post!

 

Does anyone realize HOW COMMON this is? The WS waits for one of the two women in the triangle to force his hand?

 

The same characteristics of conflict avoidance and poor communication skills that make a MM initiate an affair are the same characteristics that make a MM want someone else BS or OW) to force his hand.

 

Unless he chooses to work hard and change HIMSELF, these traits will not disappear.

 

So, if you do land him, what happens? Your love will transform him?

 

NOT!

 

And when the going gets tough with you, he will most likely be crying on the next OW's shoulders about how sad and unhappy he is!

 

Remember: Most people have the relationship they DESERVE.

 

Deserve better!

 

Good luck with NC. You can do it!

 

 

totally agree with you here Spark!!! 100%!!!! It does seem to be a common trait of MM of avoidance. But just as it is a common trait of MM with that, I have seen (and fall into this category) that it is a common trait of a OW that we are "caregivers", we want to help ppl. We also seem to carry the trait of falling in love with the potential we see, not with what is actually given. I think its a combination of all of these common traits that makes this gd love triangle so difficult to break and so painful.

 

We have to learn what OUR common traits are and see how WE can break OURS. We can't teach anyother, only ourselves.