lonelynyc Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I just wanted to share my experience with other people on LS to caution all of you about the dangers of going down the friendship road with an ex you still care about (or even love). Let me tell you, it's just as painful as giving a doomed romantic relationship a second chance. After going NC with my ex for a month, I finally relented and agreed to meet with her at her place (huge mistake, should have been somewhere very public). Literally the second I get there, and her place is about an hour long commute from mine, she tells me she feels awkward about me being there and that I should probably leave. Gee thanks, that info would have been kind of helpful an hour ago. She proceeds to vent to me for an hour about how low her self-esteem is and how she hasn't met a decent guy in the month since we stopped talking. Of course I look to comfort her. I still care about her, which is really twisted. And I do that successfully, I make her feel special because she means so much to me and I'm still not over her. As soon as her spirits improve (about 4 hours later) she asks me to leave even though she had previously invited me to sleep on the couch. It's now 1:30 AM in a relatively rough neighborhood, and I have work the next day. She blatantly used me for an ego boost and I played along out of a sheer desire to be near her and a kind of crushing loneliness I've been going through. It was a huge mistake and I felt like **** afterwards. Well, foolishly, I make the same mistake a week later. Last night my ex invites me over to watch TV with her and sleep on the couch. Convincing myself that we might have broken some ground the other night, I get there and sure enough she tells me again that she doesn't want me to sleep over. It's 10 PM and I stay for an hour in which she's curt, dismissive, and distant to me the whole time. The lesson here is that there is no such thing as breaking ground with an ex, and forming a solid friendship, especially if they dumped you. They just enjoy seeing the power they still have over you, it's an ego boost, nothing more, nothing less. It's comforting for them to have a safety net if other things don't work out. For my part, I will no longer provide that service. Being there for her has only damaged my psyche and set me back in my healing process. Don't make my mistake.
Mack05 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 It baffles me that people want to stay friends with their ex's.. Why can't we be friends?. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..
Besmy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Not sure how to interpret the "sleep on the couch". I wouldn't want a guy to sleep at my place unless I was planning to have some gym.... Are you sure she doesn't want you back ? Maybe she is cold because she is disappointed with you not trying...???
carhill Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 She's fµcking your mind. Move on. Please.
Taylor1974 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I am really glad you wrote this Carhill... Thank you. I have been struggling with this idea for 2 months. My ex was a year out of his divorce and I was divorcing (my marriage being long over). Everything was perfect with us for 3 months when he dropped the "I need a break" bomb. Im not ready for this. I understood as all the red flags were there.... His ex wife cheated on him and he has a young child, etc. He said he needs time but would like to try again later. I attempted to keep in touch with him but he completely shut me out except for3 texts and an email. The first one said he doesn't want to lead me on because he doesnt know what he wants or will want. The second said he has suffered from bouts of depression since the divorce and shuts down. He should get medical help but thinks he can help himself. The third was in response to a text that I sent him about meeting up to talk. He said that I was a beautiful girl and he told me the truth and meeting up wasn't a good idea. The last communication was about a month ago where he said he's missed me and was trying to be up front about his issues and never wanted to be unfair to me. I wrote him back saying we could be friends and invited him to a game. He never responded. I also sent him a friend request on FB (initially I unfriended him because I was hurt). He didn't accept or deny me... I'm just in limbo. He has taken this no contact to the extreme. There was no fighting - everything was good. I have really struggled with why he can't be my friend - even limited contact. What do you think this is all about? It's weird to me.
carhill Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Assuming you verified his divorce decree, take his statements at face value and move on. My first instinct, and that is one borne of experience as an OM, is that he was lying about his divorce, but that's easily rectified. Less easily rectified is accuracy regarding the state of relations with his supposed ex-wife. Remember, unless both parties are in front of you agreeing on how things went, take any relationship oriented statements with a grain of salt. My own statements here on LS reflect my bias, as an example. When he is 'ready', he'll contact you. If you're available and still interested, respond as appropriate. In the meantime, continue to heal from your divorce and enjoy your single life. How long has your divorce been final? I'm closing in on a year next month and still have no real interest in dating. My exW and I are not 'friends', but do retain mutual friends and are 'cordial' in that regard.
todd Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 You were not in a position to befriend your ex. You still had feelings for her that went beyond a friendship. This allowed the power to remain with her in the relationship. First and foremost you need to get to a place where you are over your ex before you try to befriend her again or open things up to a second chance. Next, you need to control how things develop, not your ex. If she wants to talk that is fine, but she needs to come to you to do it. Its not your job to chase her anymore. It's up to you to control the pace of the conversation and if you do not like what you hear to kick her out of your life again like she kept kicking you out of her place. Don't give them the power. Friendship with an ex can work (I have exs that are really good friends, almost like sisters), but it is only a possibility after you both are truly over one another and can actually be friends (no ulterior motives of wanting to get back together). Some people just can never be friends with their ex and I would recommend that for most individuals on these forums.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I agree you can't be friends with an ex if you still have feelings for them and want them back. In my case, he left me after 18 years, we met up frequently as friends which kept my hope alive for 6 months, it got to the point I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him if there was any hope as I still loved him, he said he fancied other people now, so it became more painful to stay in touch than to stop seeing him, but it only took me a few weeks of NC to be able to let go (6-7 months post break up), and I was able to be friends after that, I met someone else soon after. We split up over 2 years ago and are still good friends, meet up a couple of times a month. Time apart is crucial in order for you to let go, and only stay friends after that if you are totally happy with just friendship.
radiodarcy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) i too made the mistake of thinking i could be friends with an ex. and it ended horribly. i agree with the previous posters - - so long as you still have feelings for that person it won't work. you'll still be vulnerable and will most likely read into things that aren't there. and as the OP said, it only leaves the door open for you to be used for sex, as an ego boost or both. i was used for both. and quite frankly going NC was a picnic compared to feeling the way i felt during that time. i'm not casting blame or making excuses: i allowed it to happen. but i told myself, since i was the one who let it happen, i had to be the one to put a stop to it and i did. still, i think it'll be quite some time -- if ever before he and i can be friends again. and at this point - - i don't even think i want to be. Edited September 12, 2011 by radiodarcy
WiseOne1 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I've also made the same mistake that other posters made, the only difference with my EX, is I wanted to be friends after I truly had gotten over her, simply because we were friends LONG before we ever decided to hook up. Well guess what?? Somehow my EX could sense it that I was over her, and she took that as a insult, and was angered that I wanted to be friends with her all of a sudden!! She thought of it as I was using her in some type of way. She couldn't understand why someone can't be friends with someone you love, while they are dating another guy.
lalalandman Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 She's only using you as comfort before she finds a new partner, if she hasn't already. Cut her off.
Taylor1974 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Carhill - I've been divorced about a month but I asked for a divorce in 2006 and kept giving chance after chance. I've mourned the loss of my marriage years ago. I was ready. He said he thought he was as well...but if I was thinking with my brain I would have seen the red flags. He was so bitter and nasty when he would talk about his ex wife. I don't know what's wrong with me... I was so excited to be single then I met him. He really was the right guy wrong time. It's weird because it's like I totally understand mourning the loss of a marriage but why cut me off completely. It seems a little odd to me (could be depression...I don't know). I think the other reason it's been hard is he broke it off only after 3 months when things were still really good. It's not like we had any bad times together... except his "problem" the last time we were together. Man, he freaked out that he wasn't able to perform. I said "who cares." It's not a big deal but it was to him. That may be a part of it too. I'm not contacting him anymore. He is going to have to initiate any contact with me in the future. I wanted to stay in touch, but I guess he can't be friends. Oh well.
fiat500 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 lonelynyc, sorry you had to go through that. You're right though. you can't be friends with an ex. You're essentially giving them all your power and dignity after a breakup as they don't even consider you a friend anymore but something below it. It's just so weird how they treat you like a 'thing' and not a person anymore once they lose interest in a relationship. luckily i learned from my first relationship and never give an ex the chance to strip my dignity away from me further by denying them the privilege of my friendship as soon as they ask for it.
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I've mourned the loss of my marriage years ago. I was ready. He said he thought he was as well...but if I was thinking with my brain I would have seen the red flags. He was so bitter and nasty when he would talk about his ex wife. Yes, the dichotomy is clear when typed on the page. You and he are at different places in relationship-related health. IME, there is no definitive timeline. Each of us is different. However, you mentioned one clear signpost of work remaining; the clear unbalanced perspective regarding his M and exW. He has yet to resolve the M to a neutral emotional state; to go through the 'mourning' as you did years ago. Sometimes, for men, it's a more difficult and lengthy process as we aren't as experienced with processing our emotions as women are. It is what it is.
Recommended Posts