BettyBoo Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) I will keep thiis brief but recently I have discovered that my husband has been in contact with a female colleague on a message board whilst we were on holidays. I found out that whilst they were about work on one of them he wrote.."Perfection would be YOU over here and.......". He claims he does not know why he wrote it as is not sexually or romantically attracte to this woman. He said he removed it asap as he realised how stupid it was. I am so confused and his explanation makes no sense at all. I am now checking out what else has he been involved in on the net. Have other wives experencied this? Edited September 12, 2011 by BettyBoo
CarrieT Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Install a keylogger and track his conversations. You are SO being lied to when he claims he is not attracted to this woman. Red flag, red flag, red flag! It is not going to stop and now that he knows that you know, he will be able to cover his tracks better if you don't act now.
Author BettyBoo Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 Good idea ...What I dont undestand why he cant be straight with me. I have always played it straight. We sat down and chatted and he swore that nothing is going on. I checked his mobile phone bills and there are no calls or SMS. I dont know and its drving me mad as I dont waqnt to be made a fool of. Before this I had no reason to doubt him. So disappointing
Turtles Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Here is the advice I got from a wise old woman... If you think you got to hide it from me... the light bulb should come on! The keylogger, etc? That's a downward spiral of mistrust, imho, but it's your game.
xxoo Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I found out that whilst they were about work on one of them he wrote.."Perfection would be YOU over here and.......". That comment alone wouldn't send off alarms for me. It could mean anything, or nothing. Was there any context? Any evasion in discussing it would very worrying, though.... Is there more going on? Any reason you noticed that conversation in the first place?
Stung Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I have to agree that I would just flat not believe that a man would say anything along those lines to a woman he wasn't attracted to, but I do wonder about the context. Anyway, whether it's a serious problem or not, is another question--having a fleeting attraction outside the marriage isn't necessarily abnormal or anything to stress about overmuch, everybody has thoughts or attractions from time to time, that left alone will wither and die. However, even if there's no active physical or emotional affair here, leaving wistful little messages like that is playing at starting one, IMO.
Author BettyBoo Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 The reason I noticed it was I had a gut feeling there was something not right.
CarrieT Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 The reason I noticed it was I had a gut feeling there was something not right. Trust your gut...
bijounk Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Holy **** yes, always trust your gut. My gut is how I found out my husband was into online porn, hitting on co-workers, and being a downright pig when he otherwise always preached how disgusting most of society is (for being materialistic and objectifying women), how much he respected me, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah... Everything was fine with our relationship, I just kept getting this weird feeling that something wasn't right, that he was hiding something from me... even though I really had no good reason to feel that way. After several long, hard years, he is being faithful and has been for over a year, things are always getting better and everything is going our way for the most part. If there is something going on, just be strong, and DO NOT let this ***hole make you feel badly about yourself. I still have self-esteem problems; I used to be fun, spontaneous and outgoing and now I can't even look people, especially my husband, in the eyes, I don't like it when my husband compliments me because there's still a part of me that thinks of him as a liar, and I have serious bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, all of which I'm still working on. Situations like this, especially if prolonged, can dramatically affect your personality and no one is worth that. Even though things are ok now, despite my occaisional setbacks, and always getting better, if I could go back and leave him, I would. Maybe I'll feel differently ten years from now since things are always improving but right now, our progress and happiness with each other now is not worth me compromising my self-image. Just be careful with yourself and if you need anything from me, let me know because I've been where you are and I genuinly feel for you and anyone in a similar position. All of this is assuming you feel that cyber and mental/emotional cheating is still cheating and is as wrong to you as it is to me. Good luck and stay positive!
Avihenda Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 BettyBoo, It is quite normal for men to be flirtatious online. If you install a key logger as someone suggests I think you are opening up a huge can of worms. What might be harmless fun is not going to be taken that way - I promise you. I know from experience, if you go snooping you're going to get exactly what you're looking for because you'll read between the lines on everything you read. If you've lost the trust then you've lost the relationship. By installing a key logger, you are breaking the trust. Which is worse? Harmless flirting or snooping on his private business? It's for you to decide, but if it were me I'd walk away before breaking the trust.
Paper Roses Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Be worried. I had a 6 year online 'romance' going on behind my husband's back. When my husband saw his number on my caller ID, I told him we were just friends and liked to talk about movies together. Lie, lie, lie. I justified it by telling myself it wasn't cheating since we never actually touched each other, so I lied to myself too. It's shady and I'm ashamed of it. You know, your husband could have a second cellphone. I did. But if he's putting it out there where you can easily find it, he could be telling the truth. Don't we all say stuff online when we get bored enough? I hope he's not cheating on you. These internet things can get out of control quick. Good luck.
Linda9999 Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Yeah, my husband told himself it was harmless and platonic too. It sucked him in deeper and deeper and before he knew it, he was paying money to 'models' and arranging to meet them in hotel rooms. He also had a secret cell phone, secret email accounts, etc.
Recommended Posts