amerikajin Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 Any drifters out there? I fear I am becoming one myself. I feel like I'm becoming too self-absorbed. Marriage and kids are as far from my mind right now as it's ever been, and I'm 30. I keep telling myself that maybe one day I'd like to meet the "right girl" and get married and see what happens from then on. But I'm nowhere close to feeling that right now. I have fun on a date once in a while, but many times I just hope that I don't get bored. Can anyone relate? Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you that this detachment has in fact attracted more women. I now have two or three girls who keep asking me out. It really is true about being a challenge.
meanon Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 The worst reason for settling down is for the lifestyle choice. For love to last the distance in marriage it needs to be strong. You'll know when it's time because you will simply not be able to live without having someone with you all the time. Same with kids - suddenly it goes from being "I'm not at all bothered" to "I have to have them". The only reason to be concerned is if the detachment feels more like alienation, if you are unhappy. You are young Amer, enjoy it! You'll look back on these days with fondness as times of freedom.
moimeme Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 It really is true about being a challenge. Only if you want to attract a certain sort of woman. Not all women you might be interested in will necessarily be bothered with guys who are 'challenges'. You'll know when it's time because you will simply not be able to live without having someone with you all the time Meanon's bang on. Mind you, I might backpedal a little on the 'not be able to live' but certainly it's not about deciding it's time to settle down. It's about enjoying another person so much that you want her in your life for as long into the future as you can see and because you crave her companionship. Until/unless you find a lady like that, it would not make sense to marry.
CurlyIam Posted May 9, 2004 Posted May 9, 2004 I don't quite understand your problem... Is is the fact that you're 30 and that you don't feel preocupied with starting your own family or the fact that you don't seem to find a girl to start having a family with, as you don't find repulsive the idea of kids and wife... In the first case I'd say not to worry, because many times age has nothing to do with being emotionally ready to commit to a deeper relationship. I find the second case more likely to be your problem - again, I might be "reading" it wrong. Anyway what I say is to take your time and: A. Don't mistake quantity with quality. It's fun to be dating a lot, it's just that you risk to be waisting a lot of your time. The final end - to me - is not "getting it" a lot, but getting it with the right person. So just take your time and if you don't really really like a woman, just don't date, regardless of the "benefits" you might be also saying no to. Maybe you're simply not looking in the right place 'cause you're so busy with the rest of them women B. BE more demanding , yourself and your dates included. Don't settle with little, ask and give more. Your detachment to me is a true declaration of indifference towards what women may give. I see how alluring this may be to the oposite sex! But ignoring my last statement, maybe the answer is you really are not searching, as you've kinda got plenty so you think there's nothing new there for you. It is! Just at a different level - and I don't necessarily imply marriage. Intimacy,sharing things, different things. But you have to ask for it in order to have it I know it's very simplistic - the way I put it, but maybe it's just not that complicated. Anyway, caming back to the main topic, to me in order to have a deeper relationship, one has to have the emotional maturity, the right person near and to want this!
Thinkalot Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Could simply be you just havent met the right girl yet. I've always travelled a lot, and for many years I stood away from even the idea of marriage. But now I've met someone who wants to share life with me, and I want to share life with him...we can travel and play together! And I like the idea of us one day creating a family (even though I don't feel ready yet!!). Life without him now would seem so empty. I'm 30...soon to be 31 in June. So don't worry too much about it. I have a male friend similar to you. He's in his early 30's, and sometimes says to me that he doubts if he will ever marry and settle down...or find a girl who really suits him (he is lovely and quite an individual). I say...if it's meant to happen for you, it will, and the right one will enter your life.
Bobbie Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 methinks thou doth protest too much.... Marriage is really difficult, children are bloody impossible. Why are you even thinking about these? Except they are your ideal, and you are maybe disappointed that you haven't found the special person to do them with? You will. after all Why should the rest of us have to suffer marriage and kids and not you??? ( joke! )
Author amerikajin Posted May 11, 2004 Author Posted May 11, 2004 >>>Why should the rest of us have to suffer marriage and kids and not you??? ( joke! )<<< Or as my late cousin told me once, "One day you'll have to get married. You're no better than the rest of us." I guess sometimes I lie awake at night and think. I'm certainly not old but at 30 I've begun to realize that time is relentless. I guess I just think a little too much at times.
InmannRoshi Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 I'm soon to be 29, and I still feel light years away from wanting to settle down and have kids. My friends always warn me "you're going to end up alone", especially my female friends who seem overly concerned about why I don't settle down. I think I would have a more rewarding and fulfilling life alone than I would in some stale marriage. Around X-mas time, I started to get kind of lonely and started thinking that I missing something, but I think it was just a case of the Christmas blues (that and the fact that I was overworked at the office, hugely stressed and more than a little sleep deprived), but I got over it in a couple of weeks. One of my best friends just got a new girlfriend, and they've been dating for about 5 months. He has literally almost dropped off the face of the earth in that time, as he spends 100% of his time with her. He called me out of the blue the other night and said he'd like to get together to check out some live music, and he wanted me to bring along some of our buddies so we could meet his new girl. We showed up and the club, and she was polite at first but as the evening wore on she just had a horrible attitude. She just sat in the corner all night smoldering because he was paying more attention to his guy friends than her. Understandable, IMHO, since we hadn't seen each other in 5 months ... we had a lot to catch up on. He's been with her for the last consecutive 20 weekends. For the rest of the night, he was jumping through hoops for her like a circus poodle "Baby, what's wrong?" "What's the matter?" "Are you okay?". She just sat there silent and pouting. Obviously, she was testing him, and had been the entire night. Finally, she just stormed out and he had to take her home. And I noticed that the only people in the entire place who weren't having a great time were those two. And the only reason he wasn't having a good time is because SHE wasn't having a good time. And at that moment, I felt so extremely glad and gratefull I don't have a girlfriend. That feeling has stayed with me for the past two weeks, as I get a cold shudder down my spine just thinking about it.
Papillon Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 There are two kinds of people. There is the "western" way of thinking, in that people expect certain things from life, and try and live their lives according to a blueprint, or strive hard to seek out happiness in it's many forms, and then there is the "eastern" way of thinking, which is a quiet acceptance of the inevitibilities of life, a soft, gentle acquiescence to karma, which, in a way, brings it's own happiness. Amerikajin, I think you can relate, and I'm certain you grok what I am trying to say. I think you have the "eastern" way of thinking, but you are being confounded by a "western" expectation.
CurlyIam Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Hey, amerikajin Maybe you're not eastern or western, thinking too much or too little about things... maybe you simply feel a bit lonely. It happenes to the best of us! If you're happy with yourself and with your life, then everything's peachy, right?
BlockHead Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 amerikajin I keep telling myself that maybe one day I'd like to meet the "right girl" and get married and see what happens from then on. But I'm nowhere close to feeling that right now. I have fun on a date once in a while, but many times I just hope that I don't get bored.I found that I would get burned out or emotionally drained after pursuing women too often. If you are anything like me, you probably have many interests, and cycle through them. I am sure that your thoughts about marriage and children periodically cycle through the queue. Maybe amerikajin takes marriage more seriously than most people.
bluechocolate Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Don't worry about it. From an ex-drifter here: In my early twenties I went half way around the world from home and began a career which saw me flitting from country to country, barely staying in one country for more than 12 months. I spent my 30th birthday on an isolated beach in Australia and decided then that with my career & the travel I would be single for the rest of my life. I accepted that. A year later I was sent to the UK where I met my current partner. I continued with the work & the travelling and at the same time conducting a very casual long term relationship, sometimes only being able to spend 5 weeks a year together. 5 years ago we decided that what we both wanted was to be together. I quit the work & moved to the UK and here I am living in suburbia with a dog and a garden. This is the last place I saw myself & yet here I am.
meanon Posted May 11, 2004 Posted May 11, 2004 Turning 30 was certainly a trigger for re-evaluation of my direction in life and the same was true for some of my friends. This can be very positive as long as you keep it constructive and concentrate on changes that you know will definitely be of benefit to you. As far as marriage goes - your time will come. I'm certainly not old but at 30 I've begun to realize that time is relentless. Lol. I hate to tell you this but I swear it speeds up as you get older. As people get older they often realise that happiness is less about the achievement of specific goals (satisfying though that may be) and more about how much you enjoy the journey.
reasontosigh Posted May 12, 2004 Posted May 12, 2004 Originally posted by meanon ...As people get older they often realise that happiness is less about the achievement of specific goals (satisfying though that may be) and more about how much you enjoy the journey. That says it all right there. Just enjoy the journey, and you'll find yourself at your "destination" in due time!
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