How to bring up exclusivity when trying to get back together

[Sunflower123]

My boyfriend and I were together for a little over a year, we also lived together. Two months ago he broke up with me saying that he needed space and moved out. I begged him to come back for weeks and he said he never would so I finally gave up. A month later, he told me he was going to move back in as a temporary thing. I backed off and gave him his space and slowly things have been getting more & more "back to normal".

 

Over the last few weeks he's started holding my hand/putting his arm around me in public, inviting me out with friends, taking me out for lunch and/or dinner, watching movies with me, cuddling, & just being affectionate on a more consistent basis. Things have been progressing very naturally. Last week he started sleeping in bed with me again every night and we have been intimate. A few times now, people have referred to him as my boyfriend and he never corrected them or blinked an eye about it.

 

We broke up once before for only a month, but it was much less serious and we just immediately were the same when we got back together. This time, it's been different. I wanted things to gradually develop, since the biggest reasons he broke up with me were because I was too clingy and I picked too many fights. I feel like last time we got back together too soon and weren't able to fix things.

 

Unfortunately, he is moving out of state within the month. He has asked me to come along with him. I would honestly love to move with him. I have been wanting to move for the last few years and he told me part of the reason he decided to go in the first place. Part of me just says go and see where things lead, but I would really like to know if we are exclusive or not before I decide. I just don't know how to ask him without hurrying things along or ruining things when they are going so well.

 

He has been hinting about a future with me lately (asking me to move with him, asking me about my ring size randomly, making a comment about "when WE have children", and some other things hinting at a future proposal) but at the same time I'm scared because he hasn't said he loves me for two months and at times he acts like he's still a bit distant...so I don't know if I'm reading too much into these things. At the same time, I still love him very much, but I've stopped myself from saying I do out of fear of rejection.

 

I feel like we have started dating all over again...but of course it's a little different since we already have dated. I have been trying to give him space and show him I appreciate him. I would love to bring up where our relationship is going, but I don't really know how or when to bring it up. I can see in his eyes that he loves me, but I am scared that he's still not ready to fully commit. I don't know how or when to bring this up...or if I should just wait a little longer.

 

I drove him to the airport today for a business trip and he joked around if I'd be having any guys over while he was gone. I kind of did the same back with him and if he'd be trying to meet any other women. Even though he did it in a joking matter, it seemed like he was trying to feel things out. He then got serious and said no and I told him I wouldn't either. He will be back tomorrow night, but I don't know how to bring this up again, or if I should..

Edited September 12, 2011 by Sunflower123

[appletini]

If he's already brought it up, you definitely have a right to bring it up more directly when he gets back. This was a huge point of contention for my ex and me when we got back together after the first breakup (like yours, it was only after about two months and happened for stupid reasons). We tried a middle ground for awhile, allowed it to turn back into dating, and then ultimately it was so relationship-y that the question had to come up.

 

When it did, it was disaster, he told me that absolutely he would hook up with other women if he had the chance ("I'm single!") and I felt betrayed. Then he realized he was being an ass and was just scared of the commitment. We obviously made it exclusive, and we said "I love you" about a month later.

 

We were very much in love for a full year after that. Turns out, one year later he's still not quite mature enough for a truly committed relationship. We just split up for good. Looking back on our whole relationship, I still vividly remember those words he said when we were still not officially together. They still hurt. Don't let this limbo last too long.

[othersideofthepillow]

as a man i might be able to shed some light into your situation.

 

him leaving and needing space, yeah i an understand that (not the road i would have chose - i like to work on things rather than leave) but the fact that he came back is a good sign.

 

here it is from my/mans point of view:

 

good:

he came back

he talks about a future without you bringing it up

asked your ring size

hints of children

HE ASKED YOU TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE WITH HIM WITHOUT YOU ASKING

jokes talking about not having guys come over (we do that joking but we are dead serious)

 

bad:

hasnt said he loves you in a few months

left the first time cause he needed space

 

 

i think that you should go for it again. take things as they come. your ex came back. mine still hasnt (2 1/2 months and counting). so go for it. take a risk and continue on...if that was me i would already think "we" were back together so maybe thats how he feels

[Sunflower123]

So here's an update of what happened. This weekend I had to go on a short trip for my job. My ex insisted that he come along with me. When we got to the hotel he made a comment about me being his girlfriend. Then we had to meet up with some other people, so on the way there I asked if I should introduce me as my boyfriend. He gave a definite yes. I was soooo happy! The whole time he introduced himself as my boyfriend and acted to affectionate to me.

 

Later that night, we were back in the hotel room and we were relaxing in bed. I know it's stupid, but I was just checking things so I went on my facebook and asked him if I could unhide our status that we are "in a relationship". He said sure, so again I thought that was a good sign. Then I asked him if he was going to do the same, and he said that he just wanted to keep it private. I asked him why without pressuring him at all (because I thought it was weird). He started acting weird and shutting down. I asked him if we really are in a relationship and he said no

 

He started telling me that I lied to him about understanding what he wants, etc. I got very offended and started crying. I asked him why he's giving me mixed messages. He ended up saying that we are exclusive as long as we are "this close", but we are NOT in a relationship. I don't understand how that is possible :/ He told me he wants to be alone in life so I told him I will not be moving with him under these circumstances. He got very upset and begged me to think about it.

 

He insists that he is attracted to me, cares about me, is not seeing anyone else, and is NOT SINGLE (even if someone flirts with him or anything, I went through all the scenarios), he thinks we should introduce each other as boyfriend and girlfriend so people know we have a deeper relationship, but at the same time we are not boyfriend and girlfriend and doesn't ever want that title. He also added that he never told his family that we ever "broke up" in the first place...and he doesn't plan to tell them any time soon

 

Today he was extra sweet and affectionate towards me, but I couldn't help but hold back tears the whole time because I don't see how he can keep saying one thing and doing another. Now he's talking about taking me a trip for my birthday and I just said I don't think I want to. I love this man with all my heart. I feel like his actions show me he loves me and is committed to me, but his words hurt me so much. I feel like sometimes he's just trying to hurt me by saying these things, but I don't know why he would. I've never been more confused in my life, any insight?

Edited September 18, 2011 by Sunflower123