Updated. 2 years later.. Still Hurts.. he getting married

[Confused728]

Here is my original post

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206477/

 

A brief update..I stopped talking to him last august 2010..at this time we had not seen each other since Feb 2010 cause i caught him cheating.. We started talking again... he told me he missed me was sorry for everything, and said he missed me and wished he could cuddle with me, but i didn't get the impression that he wanted me back...i asked him once what his intentions with me were and he said "just to be friends and hang out like we used to thats all, i always liked when we hung out"... He also made a comment another time "You don't contact me for months and you expect me to jump when u contact me", then he went to one of his friends houses that i didn't like cause that friend usually did drugs. I warned him that i would cut him and told him that someday i wouldn't come back and he said "you cant do that to me". So i cut him off and blocked his number. One month after that he met someone new, and two months after that HE PROPOSED. Supposedly from what i heard this person he is engaged to was also fresh out of a relationship when they met and this person helped my ex get through alot which is why he proposed. Now they are getting married sometime this month.. I still think about him everyday and it still hurts bad and i still miss him.. what do i do and how do i get over this nothing works.

Edited September 12, 2011 by Confused728

[Dark Phoenix]

If what you have described about his relationship with his fiancée is true I am very surprised that it has lasted this long. Yet I still highly doubt they will make it until death do them part.

 

 

If you are still hurting after 2 years I would seek therapy if you haven't already. Also try going out there and dating other guys. from what you have described I don't think it would be hard to find someone who is better than that guy.

[lalalandman]

At this point, the best thing you can do is be happy for him. Just smile about it and look up. Your time will come.

[Confused728]

If what you have described about his relationship with his fiancée is true I am very surprised that it has lasted this long. Yet I still highly doubt they will make it until death do them part.

 

 

If you are still hurting after 2 years I would seek therapy if you haven't already. Also try going out there and dating other guys. from what you have described I don't think it would be hard to find someone who is better than that guy.

 

 

I have tried dating other guys be he is always on my mind.. I feel they just dont compare or that i have the same kind of connection.. just so many things bring him in my mind.. i question what i did wrong..i still have dreams about him.. I really love him alot, I still go on with life but when i think of him its still pain in my heart terrible...

[Dark Phoenix]

I have tried dating other guys be he is always on my mind.. I feel they just dont compare or that i have the same kind of connection.. just so many things bring him in my mind.. i question what i did wrong..i still have dreams about him.. I really love him alot, I still go on with life but when i think of him its still pain in my heart terrible...

 

 

I would seek therapy or counselling at this point. Meditation may also help, along with yoga or any mind stimulating activity. Think of all the things you are grateful for in life, set goals, improve yourself. Tackle your emotions rather than trying to preoccupy yourself with something else.

[Confused728]

I just feel like someday he's gonna be back in my life. I just dont feel that we are done. It's odd feeling. I had another relationship before my one with him. I was in that one three years and when we broke up I never looked back. I just feel this one is different. I just don't feel we reached the end. Although I haven't seem him in year and half. Or talked to him in a year.. Oh well I don't know

[2011aug]

I just feel like someday he's gonna be back in my life. I just dont feel that we are done. It's odd feeling. I had another relationship before my one with him. I was in that one three years and when we broke up I never looked back. I just feel this one is different. I just don't feel we reached the end. Although I haven't seem him in year and half. Or talked to him in a year.. Oh well I don't know

 

Basically you're saying you should be together with a cheater?

 

Very interesting...

[Dark Phoenix]

Basically you're saying you should be together with a cheater?

 

Very interesting...

 

 

^^^ Agree.

 

 

Make a list of all the reasons why he is not a good fit for your life. Set yourself some boundaries and stick to them. I would put some serious thought into what 2011aug says: why would you want to be with a cheater?

[Confused728]

So a mutual friend of ours told me that he had his bachelors party this past weekend. And he went to a place that I hang out at quite often. I used to go with him there also. He once told me while we were broken up that he purposely didn't go there because he knew there would be a good chance of seeing me there. Why did he go there? I feel like he was violating my territory. I practicly go every week.. Luckily this past weekend i stayed home because i felt i needed a break from the same places and didn't go out. I cant believe he would show his face there knowing that i go there often.

 

Another reason this whole marriage thing bothers me is that i feel out maneuvered i feel like he was playing some kind of a political game to stab me in the heart. When we broke up i told him he was always gonna be a 37 year old baby and didn't know how to grow up and that all he wanted to do was party. When i said this at the time i was making great achievements in my life and career and thanked him for the inspiration and strength that he gave me. I feel like he tried to compete with me and slap me down mentally by doing this whole marriage thing to the first girl he dated after me. Im scared that he is doing great, getting married and in the process making me look bad lonely and single.

 

Please share your thoughts

[Dark Phoenix]

It was his bachelor party, he may not have chose that place. Typically your friends choose the location(s) of a bachelor party, and the events that take place. you are looking to much into this whole ordeal. I know it would strike my mind if I heard the same about my ex, but you need to move on from this.

[Confused728]

I know i need to move on im trying i just don't know how! thats the problem.

and Dark.. I know he chose this place cause our mutual friend told me.

[Dark Phoenix]

If he really did choose this place, and it meant a lot to the both of you. I suspect his marriage is doomed from the start. He's committing himself to another woman yet he hosts his bachelor party at a special place of him and his ex? That shows me that he still has a slight bit of attachment to you, not a good condition to start a life with someone else.

 

 

I recommend doing meditation. It helped me after my breakup and I'm confident that it will help you, at least a little bit. Find a quiet comfortable place and just relax.

[Confused728]

Its not like it meant alot to us as a special place. But we did go often.. we never said it was special. but he did know that it was always the place i went to.. even before i was with him.. its my regular weekly place.. sometimes i used to go Thursday, Friday and Saturdays,, lol and brunch on Sundays.. he used to joke that it was my second home.. I was friends with the staff.. i know all the clientele. Im popular there lol i know everyone.. he even said when we broke up he purposely didn't go there because he knew there would be a good chance that he would run into me. I find it very surprising that he went there. And yes he chose it.. From what i heard it was a small bachelor party. That was once of the places that he chose.

[Confused728]

also do you think he is doing some of this stuff like marriage, to try to prove me wrong because of what i said to him. How I told him he would never grow up.. and the other stuff i listed about.. I just cant believe that last August he told me he regretted everything that he was sorry, that he wished he could cuddle with me, that he missed me..I told him if he kept up the same behavior i would cut him off and he said that "You cant do that to me" ,Then I stopped talking to him and in less than a month met someone new, had this person move in with him and got engaged!

 

I feel like its almost spite. but i hate to think anyone would get married just to spite someone else. I don't think anyone is that dumb. Maybe its a little bit of both.. this person came along and picked him up after i cut him off.. and so he got love struck and infatuated along with trying to spite me a little.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Confused728

[Dark Phoenix]

I'm willing to bet that he has some sort of attachment for you still lingering somewhere deep down. It's been 2 years so don't expect anything of that attachment to resurface and for him to come back, but I wouldn't put much faith in his marriage.

 

Have you tried frequenting another place? the change in scenery may help you heal, if not, you will always be exposed to new faces and possibly new friends (or lover ).

[Confused728]

Right now I'm trying to focus on getting in better shape. In someways its kind of motivating. I know that this new person inst as good looking as me and from what i heard is kind of trashy. I'm sure at some point im going to run into them. And I want to look my best. lol its kinda like a Princess Diana vs Camilla like moment.. thats the difference between me and his new one. People have told me that he definitely downgraded.

 

I honestly never ever in my life expected to hear that he was getting married. I thought he would be out living the party life, ect... he told me that after we broke up being single and without me wasn't what he thought it was going to be.

 

I just don't know whats going on in his head.

I have no intention of contacting him. I feel that there is more dignity in silence and that it will make him wonder even more.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Confused728

[Dark Phoenix]

Good motivation to keep going, once you meet someone else that sparks your interest I think your motivation will change from your ex to that person. Don't go out and rebound with that thought in mind, just know that you will eventually find someone who is so much better and more worthy of your time and effort.

[Confused728]

Just don't understand what went on in his head with this whole marriage thing? what do u think its about?

[Dark Phoenix]

sometimes after a breakup the two parties become in competition with each other. An immature competition to become better, find someone better faster than the other, or get married first. Obviously this is destructive behaviour and in most cases would come back to haunt them later on in life but it's just how some people operate. I have a feeling that after he wouldn't commit with you he went into that competitive mindset and this would be his attempt to show that he can commit. Showing up at the place you frequent would be his way of publicizing his "success". whether you were there to see it or not word would get around to you.

 

That is what I gather from this whole thing, I may be wrong though.

[Confused728]

wow dark! i think u hit it on the head. He probably went there to publicize it. Because he never got a reaction out of me. He probably thought that i was going to say something to him.. when we first broke up he ran into a friend of mine and told me he was with someone else. i called him the next day. this time I have absolutely no reaction. Never attempted to contact him or anything.

There can be no doubt that when he went there I didn't cross his mind to some extent. That was my spot.

 

I agree with the competition aspect to because i also did this. but only in trying to improve myself and look better and career.. ect.. Then one time about a year and 2 months ago, before he was with this new person, he ran into me and i was with another guy, i said nothing to him.. he text me and said that" it sucked and that he got nothing from me, no smile, no hi, nothing."

But I would never ever run off and get married to try to compete with him. I think thats nuts. But i do think there is some competition going on. No doubt. I wonder if he thinks about me ever or how often.

[Dark Phoenix]

I wonder if he thinks about me ever or how often.

 

It is perfectly fine to wonder, as long as you aren't constantly dwelling on the fact. I'm sure he thinks about you occasionally, but it has been 2 years so I wouldn't think he thinks about you all of the time. At least I would hope not if he's getting married.

 

Some people take the competition too far, like getting married. You've only indulged yourself in the friendly competition (improving yourself) which should be the limit as to how far you go into competition with him. Continue improving yourself and do things that make you happy. I'm sure you will find that right guy. After 2 years without your ex and you obviously still have feelings for him, shows that you are committed to the one you love. Although, it is a turn off to get with a girl that is hung up on her ex and a major red flag. Heal at your own pace and your next guy will show up at just the right time, things just happen to work out that way.

[karnak]

Please, take my opinion with a grain of salt, as it's just an opinion. Every situation is unique (though most follow a regular pattern of sorts).

 

Your ex may probably have married in order to try to cope with his past. In fact, it's possible that he still thinks about you, just as you think about him. Yet, his pride or shame may prevent a reconciliation.

 

Some people (both men and women) sometimes marry in order to force themselves to cut ties with their past. Sort of forcing themselves to forget and move on. Alas, it never works. That's why so many "happily married" husbands or wives decided to end the marriages just out of the blue. No ammount of sex or children can make us forget who we really are or what we feel.

 

Your ex's "lightning marriage" is probably one of those. I bet than in 5 years time they'll be divorced. And his wife will be shocked, never having realised she was only a means to try and evade the past.

 

What matters is what you're really gonna do with your life from now. Will you and your EX ever reunite again? Only Fate may tell. Meanwhile, try living your life the best you can. If another man enters your life, even better. Just don't get married in order to forget about your ex or something. Or, some years from now, you'll be posting on the "Separation/Divorce" threads, stating that you "love your husband, but are not in love with him anymore".

 

Peace

[Confused728]

Kanak

About the shame part, he Told me he felt really guilty about all that he die to me, and couldn't stop thinking about it and lost sleep over it. Also I stopped talking to his family and took them off my Facebook. He said this bothered him a lot and that he always thought about me and talked about me. Once he said he thought I was talking to one of his family members and that it made him happy.

 

I just feel he getting married to try to cover up his feelings so he doesn't have to think about me.

[Confused728]

I also remember he said that he compared everyone to me. How did that change so quick

[Confused728]

I've felt so depressed today. I want to talk to him. But since he getting married this month it's probably not appropriate. I feel guilty for doing no contact. Me heart kills me. And I just keep thinking of flashes from the past. How did all this go wrong, how did he get engaged so quick? How could he say he missed me,loved me, regret everything he did, wished he could cuddle with me, and a month after I went nc get a new person and get engaged?