Contaplating ending a 6 1/2- 7 year realationship, with 3 kids

[24-3MsMommy]

I have been with my partner now going on 7 years we have 3 kids together, aged 4 yrs, 14 mths, and 2 mths... We also have 2 dogs one that happens to be a 5 mth old puppy. In the the beginning of the realatinship I cheated on him which ended up with us spliting up for 6 months, at which time we both seen other people. After getting back together a few months later I learned I was pergnant with our first child, we moved in together shortly after this time, after the baby was born we started getting in to physical altercations, which in some way lead back to me being crazy. When my oldest son was about 9-10 mths old I had an affair with his friend, it started out just talking and txting then within a few weeks it became more after awhile I stopped seeing his friend, partly because we wernt fighting all the time and partly because I found out I was pregnant again, I never slept with this other guy but I had an abortion anyways because I felt discusted in myself after realizing I was pregnant and knowing what happened with me and his friend. About 1 yr after this he bought an xbox and started to play that all day (Oh I forgot to mention he is a hardcore video game junkie) We got in another physical altercation which ended with him staying at his sisters for a few weeks, during this time I had sex with another person, then lied when I was confronted. We made up again and moved to a diffrent house in a diffrent town, he started working with an old friend who is knowen trouble, He starts spending all his time at a strip club, when he was home he was either sleeping or playing his video game. He has also always had a love for darts, which takes him outta the house 3-4 times a week for 4-6 hrs each time. While this was going on I found my self feeling neglected and what not, we again started to fight physicaly this time was diffrent, I wasn't just throwen around I was left with a house compleatly distroyed and covered in my blood, with my 2 yr old son in the home... a few weeks later I found my self in the arms of yet another man, (which he still doesn't know everything about) A few weeks after everything came out we almost broke up but he choose to say he'd forgive me and we'd move on... Shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our second child, threw this pregnancy we fought and argued alot he started playing his darts more frequently and decided it wasn't his responciblity to pay rent, put grocerys in the house and so on. This lead to the eviction from our home, we moved in to his mothers place where I was placed on bed rest I moved back to my parents because we couldn't stop fighting I kept finding phone numbers, he was playing real sneeky like on his facebook and cell phone... It turns out he was cheating the whole time I was pregnant, during the birth of my second child he was in bed with this other woman. We "worked threw it" so now its been 15 mths I haven't brought it up excpet when he brings up how faithful he is and what not. During our whole parent hood together he has never really showed an intrest in helping with our children, helping clean the house or walk the dogs... His main intrest is this stupid video game, and when hes not playing hes still ignoring me, in the past little while he has kinda started to help wit the kids but only after I say this is why I don't wanna be with you, I don't know if this is just hormones or what but I dont want to be with him anymore and when I tell him he just tells me that hes not leaving and Im not breaking up with him... And when I mention that I have spoke to a friend or something he says they are only telling me to end it b/c they want in my pants. Im tired of being the only one ho takes care of the kids, Im sick of being the only one to clean up, Im tired of getting yelled at when something isn't done, or looks messy when he is just as capeable of doing it as I am. I feel that I do everything on my own now so whats the diffrence with out him?? How do I explain to him that I just want to end things, how do I tell him I can't be with him but my heart still loves him, Which Im not sure either because when Im mad at him and he says he loves me I say you only love the convenice of me being here, so maybe I only think I love him because hes always been here, I dont know some one PLZ help

[insaneinthebrain]

wow... I actually read your whole thing.....

 

Was your first preganncy and accident.,... i am guessing you both just stayed together for your kids. ...

 

First off .. i am really sorry ... but this is a situation where you both need to seek professional marriage counseling. ..... because really, its obvious that you too either dont care about each other, or feel like the other one doesnt care about you ......

 

You owe it to your kids to give your relationship every chance it has.

 

But if that doesnt work, are you prepared to support your self and the 3 kids.

Edited September 12, 2011 by insaneinthebrain

[24-3MsMommy]

wow... I actually read your whole thing.....

 

Was your first preganncy and accident.,... i am guessing you both just stayed together for your kids. ...

 

First off .. i am really sorry ... but this is a situation where you both need to seek professional marriage counseling. ..... because really, its obvious that you too either dont care about each other, or feel like the other one doesnt care about you ......

 

You owe it to your kids to give your relationship ever chance it has.

 

But if that doesnt work, are you prepared to support your self and the 3 kids.

 

Neither of my pregnancys were planed, My issue is that my parents are still together and now that I am a parent I want their father in their lives. I want him to help co-raise them but it seems like his games and what not come first... We were instructed to take counciling last year and I went, but he did not, he says the problems are all me Im crazy or bypoler... I`ve tried too make it work for the kids, I`ve been contaplating staying with him since at least 2009, I feel like I don`t have a choice but to stay with him. I`ve been the only one supporting my kids, paying rent, bills, grocerys, you know the regular stuff involed as a parent/adult threw baby bouns and mothers allowance, When he gets paid he buys things for his car, or his game system, oh wait he made a 40$ payment on my dishwasher 3 months ago.

[insaneinthebrain]

well it sounds like he is really immature.

 

Unfortunetly this is the hand your dealt....

 

No one can tell you what to do about your relationship.

 

If you feel like you cant take it, you should leave.

 

It sounds like he doesnt do much for you anyway.

 

It would be nice if he was there for his kids, but if he isnt there now when you are together, then whats the point of you being more misreble and having a fourth kid to take care off..

 

there isnt much you can do ...... you can either stay or go... Does he have any family... someone that can help you try and gettin him to see the light. maybe his mother or father.....

[oldguy]

You can 'tell' children when to go to bed & you can 'tell' them to put clean socks on but children learn from what they see & experience; do you really want this man to be the example they grow up with? Do you want them to grow up to be him or to settle, like their mom did, (if you do)?

 

Being a single parent isn't ideal either. I'm convinced it wasn't the years that caused me to age it was raising 2 children.

[oldguy]

Also, you do need to continue seeing a counselor, I lost track of the affairs you had & my burning question is; do you know for sure how many of your 4 pregnancies where his even?

 

Both of you have obvious issues as individuals but as a couple your a mess & this is what your children are learning is normal & healthy. I'm sorry but the 2 of you passed dysfunctional a long time ago.

[24-3MsMommy]

Also, you do need to continue seeing a counselor, I lost track of the affairs you had & my burning question is; do you know for sure how many of your 4 pregnancies where his even?

 

Both of you have obvious issues as individuals but as a couple your a mess & this is what your children are learning is normal & healthy. I'm sorry but the 2 of you passed dysfunctional a long time ago.

 

 

An answer to you question all four of my prgnancys were his, the 3 kids we have now are his. Yes I cheated on him a few times but only once had sex with someone else, yes I've kissed other men but not once have I ever had to question the phaternaty of my kids thank-you

 

And for the record I delt with my issues with my counciler hence the reason she said I no longer need counciling...

 

As for us being dysfunctional thanks for ur input thats exactly what I needed too hear, as of this afternoon he has finally got the picture and learned I am serious about not wanting to b with him

[24-3MsMommy]

 

It would be nice if he was there for his kids, but if he isnt there now when you are together, then whats the point of you being more misreble and having a fourth kid to take care off..

 

there isnt much you can do ...... you can either stay or go... Does he have any family... someone that can help you try and gettin him to see the light. maybe his mother or father.....

 

Thats part of the problem, I felt this way before both our second two kids were born... I keep trying but theres only so much a person can do....

 

His family has been againest us since day one, they don't help just make it worse.... But I have finally got threw to him and made him under stand that I dont wanna be with him

thanks for ur input and not judgeing me

[insaneinthebrain]

sweatheart.

 

Believe me... judging people is only for those who think their poo dont stink...

 

..what about your family... do you at least have their support.

 

I just worry that you might find your self alone with 3 children..and 2 dogs.. i am dog lover ..... .

 

.... what does you family say when you tell them you want your bf out of your life already...??? Do you have a career, a way to support your self?

[wilsonx]

This relationship is the definition of toxic. It really needs to end. Look at the cheating at the very beginning of the relationship. You can bash him all you want but he took you back after you cheated on him. If you have never been on the opposite end of that in the beginning of the relationship and try to work through it, he deserves a lot more credit then you give him. Right now, honestly he's probably dead inside emotionally. I would be.

 

You both need to have a sit down and figure out what you are going to do with the kids/dogs but the relationship needs to be over. Cheating, emotional abuse, physical violence. This needs to end. Nothing else matters. Pointing fingers doesn't matter at this point, its over

[24-3MsMommy]

..what about your family... do you at least have their support.

 

I just worry that you might find your self alone with 3 children..and 2 dogs.. i am dog lover ..... .

 

.... what does you family say when you tell them you want your bf out of your life already...??? Do you have a career, a way to support your self?

 

Yes I have alot of suport systems, between family and friends, When I've brought it up to my parents I have been told -Its about time you seen the light -Im not gonna tell youwhat to do its ur realationship -This is not healthy for my grandkids....

My parents as well as his haven't wanted us together since we first met, Right now I'm in school compleating an apprentiship, Within the next little while I will be off mothers allowance. I've been the one making sure everything my kids need is here, Im the one who pays rent, Im the only person who seems to know that the children come first.... The day he finally clues in he'd be taking one of the dogs with him.... I told him the other day i was done I didnt wanna work threw anything then he says well if we're over you can move out, and if you try to take my kids with you you'll be leaving in a body bag.... I dont know what to do except try for emergency custody but I never wanted to do that, I just hoped we could be mature and seperate civily so far thats not happening

[24-3MsMommy]

This relationship is the definition of toxic. It really needs to end. Look at the cheating at the very beginning of the relationship. You can bash him all you want but he took you back after you cheated on him. If you have never been on the opposite end of that in the beginning of the relationship and try to work through it, he deserves a lot more credit then you give him. Right now, honestly he's probably dead inside emotionally. I would be.

 

You both need to have a sit down and figure out what you are going to do with the kids/dogs but the relationship needs to be over. Cheating, emotional abuse, physical violence. This needs to end. Nothing else matters. Pointing fingers doesn't matter at this point, its over

 

Im not the only one who was unfaithful in the begining, I was getting random phone calls from his ex saying she was still seeing him, she'd call just as he left her house and tell me like call him right now he wont behome but call in 10 minutes and he'll be in the shower.... each time she was right.... I found a condom in his pocket that wasnt the brand we used, and when I asked if he had any he said nope fresh out.... They dont come in single packs..... Yeah I cheated more then once but I have no problem taking responcibilty for my actions, not gonna keep lying and denying..... As it stands when I cheated I came clean and told him, and only learned about the betrail when I was pregnant because he brought me and my one year old (new born at the time) clamidia, he trys to say I got it from sitting on a public toilet!!!! and hes still doing now, I havent strayed since June 28th 2008..... And I can prove that sometime before July 27th he was messing round again.... I dont wanna be in the realationship I've tried to explain that and now am being told that if I try to leave with my kids ill be leaving in a body bag, The question is how do I get out of this realationship with my kids and my life????

[24-3MsMommy]

This relationship is the definition of toxic. It really needs to end. Look at the cheating at the very beginning of the relationship. You can bash him all you want but he took you back after you cheated on him. If you have never been on the opposite end of that in the beginning of the relationship and try to work through it, he deserves a lot more credit then you give him. Right now, honestly he's probably dead inside emotionally. I would be.

 

You both need to have a sit down and figure out what you are going to do with the kids/dogs but the relationship needs to be over. Cheating, emotional abuse, physical violence. This needs to end. Nothing else matters. Pointing fingers doesn't matter at this point, its over

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome (G.I.G.S.)

 

I just read a few of these threds and It sounds alot on how I'm feeling besides for the fact I just want OUT....

[oldguy]

Please understand; When I hear innocent children are in the middle of a bad situation my concerns focuses on them & I tend to be less sympathetic towards the adults as many times a couple get so involved in their struggles with each other they often don't realize the children are fully aware.

 

Best of luck to you.

[TheDovic]

WOW, hate to say it but you guys really need to break up! He obviously is very selfish and immature, but you're ridiculously unfaithful.

 

I heard once if a relationship is ever going to work one person will stand up and fight for it every time, but in this case you both seem to look after your own needs. Although I'm sure it's extremely difficult for you to watch him playing video games or darts all of the time, this doesn't excuse cheating, so both of you are at fault and will quite possibly be miserable forever unless you leave him!!!