Needing an Empathetic Ear - LDRs Stink, Don't They?

[wildgeese]

I've skimmed over dozens (okay, and dozens more) of threads and articles about long distance relationships. I've read all of the "You'll feel lonely - but it's okay!" "You'll feel depressed - but it's okay!" "Your relationship will be incredibly tense sometimes - but it's okay!" advice.

 

Basically, I know every single thing that I'm going through in my LDR is normal. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, separated for 3 months (just in the baby stages) until June of next year. Our LDR is very short-term when compared to others, and we see each other about once a month. Hallelujah!

 

I've just been stuck in a completely depressed state for about four days now - ever since I got home from last visiting him. I know that I always become more emotionally sensitive after a visit (it's just SO hard to leave) but this time it's been a little harder. He's having a tough time where he moved to: working 70 hours a week but still not having enough money, crappy roommates, he's a musician who loves playing but can't ever find the time because of work, his dad is about to have major surgery next month, etc. I can tell he's slipping into depression of his own because of all of that plus our distance, and it's almost like we're depressed over the fact that the other person is depressed. If that makes any sense.

 

I'm working and finishing up my degree in our hometown, and would consider moving to where he is even in January if he hadn't signed a year lease. I'm just starting to feel like I have nothing in this town and that the people I surround myself with are all serving as sort of distractions. I don't have family here (they all live in the state he now does, oddly enough) and my job is decent enough but not something I want to make into a career. I just feel like I am waiting for something. I'm continuing to live my life, I keep myself busy, I hang out with friends, I do all of the things I'm supposed to be doing - but I don't feel fulfilled at all.

 

Basically I just needed to vent to people who may understand, and don't even necessarily need any advice. I feel a little lonely and burnt-out, is all.

Edited September 12, 2011 by wildgeese

[lesoiseaux]

I hear you. My situation is not exactly the same but there are definitely things I can relate to. In my LDR, I'm the one who moved away (for school) and while I KNOW I should view my time as an opportunity to explore and see a different part of the country...sometimes I just feel like it's one big, 2-year long obstacle between he and I being together. This sometimes leads to VERY negative thoughts about a logical choice I made for the sake of my education. Not good.

 

My SO just left today after visiting for the weekend and I feel lonely too It's just so frustrating, being together but not actually getting to BE together for a long time. LDRs do stink. I know what you mean..

[madjac74]

Yes they do stink knowing there is someone amazing out there that you can't be with but what I try to reflect on is how would your life be without ever knowing them. Maybe you would really be alone. Even long distance if it is a really strong relationship then you are never alone. That bond is there and you know that person is out there somewhere. Not having someone like that in your life or any hope of finding that person to me is the true definition of loneliness.

 

You can have close distance relationships and feel just as lonely because they arent the right person for you.

[HeavenOrHell]

This is a great way of putting it

 

Yes they do stink knowing there is someone amazing out there that you can't be with but what I try to reflect on is how would your life be without ever knowing them. Maybe you would really be alone. Even long distance if it is a really strong relationship then you are never alone. That bond is there and you know that person is out there somewhere. Not having someone like that in your life or any hope of finding that person to me is the true definition of loneliness.

 

You can have close distance relationships and feel just as lonely because they arent the right person for you.

[creighton0123]

You should reevaluate the premise of your relationship. Your mindset and your approach are focusing on what the relationship should be rather than what it is. You're not in a local relationship. You're in a long distance relationship. The two operate on very different parameters and rules given the absence of touch.

 

Instead of filling your life with other things, look at the trigger: your separation. In order to feel better, you should focus more on better communication with your SO. Avoid text messaging, use Skype + webcam. Hell, leave a video chat open for hours when you can, even if you're not in front of the camera talking. Having that video chat open really simulates a shared living space, whether you're in front of the computer or laying on your couch watching TV.

 

Writing letters instead of email really conveys a sense of patience rather than an immediate fulfillment of communication and gratification. Hell... you can even have sex over video chat, if you're both open to it.

 

There are plenty of online games that are free that the two of you can play together for some added connection. If you both like to read, read the same book. If you both like to watch movies, watch the same movie at the same time.

 

If he likes to eat late (and you early), you could perhaps use video chat while cooking the same meal. You can use video chat at 11PM and 8PM (assume a 3 hour time difference) and open a bottle of wine, light a candle, and have a romantic date.

 

Get your own skype accounts that no one is aware of and add one another, turning on the feature for auto-accept. That way, even if you want to call him or if he calls you, despite what time of night it will auto-accept and turn the video on without distracting your SO.

 

Remember: You're not in a relationship. You're in a long distance relationship. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't be personal or share a living space.

[wildgeese]

You should reevaluate the premise of your relationship. Your mindset and your approach are focusing on what the relationship should be rather than what it is. You're not in a local relationship. You're in a long distance relationship. The two operate on very different parameters and rules given the absence of touch.

 

Instead of filling your life with other things, look at the trigger: your separation. In order to feel better, you should focus more on better communication with your SO. Avoid text messaging, use Skype + webcam. Hell, leave a video chat open for hours when you can, even if you're not in front of the camera talking. Having that video chat open really simulates a shared living space, whether you're in front of the computer or laying on your couch watching TV.

 

Writing letters instead of email really conveys a sense of patience rather than an immediate fulfillment of communication and gratification. Hell... you can even have sex over video chat, if you're both open to it.

 

There are plenty of online games that are free that the two of you can play together for some added connection. If you both like to read, read the same book. If you both like to watch movies, watch the same movie at the same time.

 

If he likes to eat late (and you early), you could perhaps use video chat while cooking the same meal. You can use video chat at 11PM and 8PM (assume a 3 hour time difference) and open a bottle of wine, light a candle, and have a romantic date.

 

Get your own skype accounts that no one is aware of and add one another, turning on the feature for auto-accept. That way, even if you want to call him or if he calls you, despite what time of night it will auto-accept and turn the video on without distracting your SO.

 

Remember: You're not in a relationship. You're in a long distance relationship. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't be personal or share a living space.

 

I don't intend to be rude, but I'm fully aware of all of this. And we do do plenty of it - communication is not the problem in our relationship and never really has been. We're unable to Skype much at the moment due to his (old) computer not supporting it, but he borrows his roommates every now and then for it. Plus we do call every other night, text once a day or if we can't call for some reason, send one another little gifts, read the same book together, etc etc. Frankly, I don't think Skype is the end all and be all of LDRs.

 

The intent of my post was simply that every once in a while, it's hard and we can lose sight of our current life without our partner. We all know that from experience. I appreciate your suggestions nonetheless.

[wildgeese]

I hear you. My situation is not exactly the same but there are definitely things I can relate to. In my LDR, I'm the one who moved away (for school) and while I KNOW I should view my time as an opportunity to explore and see a different part of the country...sometimes I just feel like it's one big, 2-year long obstacle between he and I being together. This sometimes leads to VERY negative thoughts about a logical choice I made for the sake of my education. Not good.

 

My SO just left today after visiting for the weekend and I feel lonely too It's just so frustrating, being together but not actually getting to BE together for a long time. LDRs do stink. I know what you mean..

 

I'm glad that you understand - it's so nice to know you're not alone in that way of thinking sometimes! The negative thoughts have a way of creeping in. I'm in the midst of pulling myself out of the funk and I'm already starting to feel a lot better.

[creighton0123]

I don't intend to be rude, but I'm fully aware of all of this. And we do do plenty of it - communication is not the problem in our relationship and never really has been. We're unable to Skype much at the moment due to his (old) computer not supporting it, but he borrows his roommates every now and then for it. Plus we do call every other night, text once a day or if we can't call for some reason, send one another little gifts, read the same book together, etc etc. Frankly, I don't think Skype is the end all and be all of LDRs.

 

The intent of my post was simply that every once in a while, it's hard and we can lose sight of our current life without our partner. We all know that from experience. I appreciate your suggestions nonetheless.

 

I understand. Bad computer/internet connectivity can make the world of difference, sometimes allowing for only txt chat, voice chat, or very shady video chat.

 

It isn't the end-all-be-all. In discussing things with a number of people in LDR's, however, I've found that using skype as a tool to simulate a shared living space makes both partners much more relaxed.

 

I do understand and have in common your feelings of loneliness/exhaustion. We all feel them and they really do suck. Despite the amount of time you spend talking, does he know how you're feeling? What steps are the two of you taking to help ease your loneliness/depression?