Sanman Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 So, the OP is concerned that her non-bf of a month is not testing her on vacation. If it is not serious, there is no expectation to contact you IMO. I love the paranoia here though. I went to Vegas with my buddies and nobody cheated. Shocking I know. I love how people assume a guy can't text a girl it means he is cheating. It is isn't like we at the strip club at noon. It also is not like a guy can't text you while licking a stripper. Silliness.
Author fwang Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 So, the OP is concerned that her non-bf of a month is not testing her on vacation. If it is not serious, there is no expectation to contact you IMO. I love the paranoia here though. I went to Vegas with my buddies and nobody cheated. Shocking I know. I love how people assume a guy can't text a girl it means he is cheating. It is isn't like we at the strip club at noon. It also is not like a guy can't text you while licking a stripper. Silliness. I might be too generous. I told him, "drunk made-out is ok as soon as you don't take your pants off." I do want him to have fun tho. As I said, i expected 1 or 2 check-in text messages from him. But he just simply liked my post on facebook when he was away. I am the person who came up with the stupid idea of exclusive but not serious. Obviously, I want something more than this. I will bring it up to him this week when he visits me.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 8 out of 10 thats pretty precise. Did you used to be an entertainer in LV What prompted me to respond to this, is that trust and reporting back to base are not the same. Txting back to the gf, 'hi having fun, except for hangover, won $50 on craps last nite, going to Cirque du soleil 2nite, luvya', doesn't suddenly change things as regards how trustworthy the guy is or erase whatever hijinks he might have got up to. I don't see how going to a strip club accounts for why he can't send a txt. Having fun will distract him from worrying about contacting his gf sure, but that does not necessarily mean he's been pinned to a seat by a lapdancer for all his waking hours. My personal belief is that bachelor parties that include Las Vegas and strip clubs are less about celebrating the grooms impending marriage and more about the guys getting a free pass to disrespect their partners. The marriage is just an excuse to what the men think the real show..the bachelor party. I understand not everyone see's it that way. So when I said trust worthy men engage in trust worthy behavior, I was actually saying that trust worthy men don't put themselves in compromising/tempting situations to begin with. I wasn't saying that texting made someone trust worthy. I know alot of men that do a camping weekend, or a sport weekend..these are great bachelor parties! They get away with the guys and do guy things and they are not purposely invovling other women. But when men take bachelor parties to Las Vegas or strip clubs, it's purely about pretending they aren't single, that they don't have to respect their partners anymore for that time, so that they can mess around (and that is usedly broadly) with other women. Because they don't want the responsiblity of really being an honorable guy. Now some women are fine with this. Some think this makes them "cool" and like that feeling because their man will perversly praise her for how "cool" she is that she encouraged him to get some boobs pushed in his face. Some women hate it but try to be cool with it because that's what society tells them men do..boys will be boys afer all right? Some women even engage in this behavior themselves in the reverse so they don't care. But I gaurentee that there isn't a man here that feels like a better man to his partner when he purposely steps out on her for that one night to indulge in other women. I also bet there isn't a man reading my post right now that hasn't at some point, at some strip club, at some bachelor party, seen other men with partners behave disrespectfully with a stripper. And you know what I'm saying is right. Sadly, the "guy code" has more honor in it then sometimes treating their female partners with respect. And it's especially true when it comes to something like bachelor parties. Bachelor parties aren't about celebrating a man's marriage. They are about a free for all where men happily disprespect it. And then these same men wonder why they aren't more respected.
rafallus Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I also bet there isn't a man reading my post right now that hasn't at some point, at some strip club, at some bachelor party, seen other men with partners behave disrespectfully with a stripper. And you know what I'm saying is right. Sadly, the "guy code" has more honor in it then sometimes treating their female partners with respect. And it's especially true when it comes to something like bachelor parties. Bachelor parties aren't about celebrating a man's marriage. They are about a free for all where men happily disprespect it. And then these same men wonder why they aren't more respected. You'd lose that bet. I've never been to strip club. And most I've had in common with those kind of parties is meeting one Bachelorette party on the streets of Wien, collecting money for condoms, and sharing a party with the other one.
Author fwang Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 So today afternoon, he texted me. "How was your weekend? I am so tired... Can't wait to go home" I replied, "My weekend was great. How was the trip? Win some money?" His reply, "Trip was mostly fun. Didn't gamble much. I'll have to tell you the stories in person." Anyway, long distance doesn't work. Exclusive but not seriouse relationship doesn't work either. Let's close this case. Thanks for everybody's input.
grkBoy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 One thing I thought of... Maybe the "fellas" were on his butt when he tried to contact you...combined with being tied up in activity. Like I said, don't worry so much. I'm sure all is well.
Casablanca Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Kind of expected though, if you went this wishy-washy "exclusive, but not serious" thing. exclusive=/= serious I dont consider a relationship serious until "I love you" has been said and that isnt something that is typically said right after becoming exclusive...the point of going exclusive is to see if it has long term/serious potential
rafallus Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) So today afternoon, he texted me. "How was your weekend? I am so tired... Can't wait to go home" I replied, "My weekend was great. How was the trip? Win some money?" His reply, "Trip was mostly fun. Didn't gamble much. I'll have to tell you the stories in person." Anyway, long distance doesn't work. Exclusive but not seriouse relationship doesn't work either. Let's close this case. Thanks for everybody's input.So, you broke up? Or just try to close the distance? exclusive=/= serious I dont consider a relationship serious until "I love you" has been said and that isnt something that is typically said right after becoming exclusive...the point of going exclusive is to see if it has long term/serious potential If someone said to me "let's be exclusive, but not serious" explicitly, I'd think they know in advance it isn't gonna work, and I'm just a temporary placeholder for someone more worthwhile in their eyes. It sounds really out of place to say for a person that supposedly cares deeply and is connected with me. Edited September 13, 2011 by rafallus
stillafool Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Now some women are fine with this. Some think this makes them "cool" . Or, some women are just secure.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Or, some women are just secure. It's not an issue of insecurity. Making the assumption that being okay with strip clubs or going to strip clubs equals "security", is foolish. And shaming women by telling them they are automatically "insecure" if they don't like strip clubs within their relationship is emotionally strident. Men that respect and honor their partners don't put themselves in overly sexually situations with other women then demand "trust". Men that are trustworthy engage in trustworthy behavior. It's just that simple.
mtber75 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 His facebook has been checked in twice in the past three days. Don't know if he posted anything on anyone else's wall since we only have 6 friends in common. I don't know American dating culture very well since I am a foreigner here. In my culture, if your date/boyfriend is out of town for days and don't talk to you at all, you should just break it off..... Well its the same culture here...That's the hallmark of a committed relationship or just a single text for common courtesy?
GorillaTheater Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Well its the same culture here...That's the hallmark of a committed relationship or just a single text for common courtesy? Well, I guess I'm f*cked if I ever find myself in the dating pool in the future. Seeing as how I utterly refuse to text.
sm1tten Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Since I don't have an issue with my boyfriend visiting strip clubs, I wouldn't feel disrespected if he did. I don't think of it as secure versus insecure... I think of it as more secure versus less secure. I don't think that makes someone who has an issue with that inherently insecure nor a man who enjoys them inherently disrespectful. It's how each party deals with it that makes it matter.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) For me it's a matter of respect. I think going to a strip club is disrespectful. It's not a matter of being "less secure". I do often wonder how many guys would be okay with their partner stripping. Taking one night out of the year to get unabridged male attention. No one would be allowed to touch her but she could show of her body. I get the impression that most guys would all the sudden not be okay with strip clubs in that context. Edited September 13, 2011 by Disenchantedly Yours
rafallus Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Since I don't have an issue with my boyfriend visiting strip clubs, I wouldn't feel disrespected if he did. I don't think of it as secure versus insecure... I think of it as more secure versus less secure. I don't think that makes someone who has an issue with that inherently insecure nor a man who enjoys them inherently disrespectful. It's how each party deals with it that makes it matter. Insecurity has nothing to do with where you draw the line. It has everything to do with you thinking, that your partner is about to cross that line, regardless of where it is, and if you have reasonable arguments to think he may.
OriginalPenguin Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 For me it's a matter of respect. I think going to a strip club is disrespectful. It's not a matter of being "less secure". I share this same viewpoint. Unless of course my girlfriend wants to go with me. But seriously, there is something about the entire concept that strikes me as cheap and cruel. I mean, if I am single and I go to a strip club then the only thing I am going get out of it is a much thinner wallet and an erection. If am with somebody than it feels like a crappy thing to do to my girl, oggling and getting all worked up over somebody other than her. That's just me, I don't project these values on anybody else although if asked to partake in something like this would get a resounding "Thanks but no thanks" from me.
sm1tten Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 For me it's a matter of respect. I think going to a strip club is disrespectful. It's not a matter of being "less secure". I don't disagree with that. I think the word "secure" is tricky and it's kind of tripping me up. We have different boundaries, that's all. There's no negative connotation to your feelings even if I don't agree. Insecurity has nothing to do with where you draw the line. and I don't disagree with that either. I think that drawing the line is a fairly obvious sign that you are "secure" (last time I'm using that word) because a truly insecure person would be so afraid of losing their partner they would not draw the line, right? Interesting side note: My current boyfriend asked me on our first date if I had a problem with dating someone who had dated a stripper. [i could care less.] I still can't quite wrap my mind around why he thought I would judge him for dating her. Any thoughts?
cdm369 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 personally think this is not good. I can't stand to be out of contact with my fiance for days. I think if you love someone you respect them enough to call them or text them. and don't listen to the clingy bs.
Sanman Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Ah, but there is a point being missed here. He is at a bachelor party and not his bachelor party. The choice to go to a strip club is that of the groom and best man. As a friend, I often attend, but forgo lap dances and such as they are expensive and I am not interested.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 OriginalPenguin I share this same viewpoint. Unless of course my girlfriend wants to go with me. How would you feel if your girlfriend went with you but she was the one doing the stripping infront of you and other men? What if she got more excited by the attention men gave her then oggling other women with you? But seriously, there is something about the entire concept that strikes me as cheap and cruel. I mean, if I am single and I go to a strip club then the only thing I am going get out of it is a much thinner wallet and an erection. In general, I personally perfer the whole strip club thing to be avoided because I think it celebrates and brings out the worst things in men and in women. But if a guy is single then at least he doesn't have someone waiting at home for him. If am with somebody than it feels like a crappy thing to do to my girl, oggling and getting all worked up over somebody other than her. That's just me, I don't project these values on anybody else although if asked to partake in something like this would get a resounding "Thanks but no thanks" from me. Good for you.
Imageiko Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Ah, but there is a point being missed here. He is at a bachelor party and not his bachelor party. The choice to go to a strip club is that of the groom and best man. As a friend, I often attend, but forgo lap dances and such Above is pretty important imo. Big difference in simply going to a strip club with a group of friends to actively engaging yourself with strippers when you are there. You can be disrespected just as bad if not worse if he went to another night club or bar. I don't think it's the venue that determines the disrespect I think its the person's behavior.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Sm1tten I don't disagree with that. I think the word "secure" is tricky and it's kind of tripping me up. We have different boundaries, that's all. There's no negative connotation to your feelings even if I don't agree. I get what your saying Sm1tten and I agree with you on this. That we just have different boundaries and neither of our boundaries are negatives. I think that drawing the line is a fairly obvious sign that you are "secure" (last time I'm using that word) because a truly insecure person would be so afraid of losing their partner they would not draw the line, right? Yes, this is a good point and I think you are right that that can sometimes be the case. I never even thought of that myself. Interesting side note: My current boyfriend asked me on our first date if I had a problem with dating someone who had dated a stripper. [i could care less.] I still can't quite wrap my mind around why he thought I would judge him for dating her. Any thoughts? I would also have no problem with dating someone that had previoulsy dated a stripper. Strippers are people too! And clearly it shows he doesn't look down on women that do strip..some guys do even though they enjoy the stripping. Although then I might have a few performance insecurties. I can't twirl down a pole upside down lol.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Ah, but there is a point being missed here. He is at a bachelor party and not his bachelor party. The choice to go to a strip club is that of the groom and best man. As a friend, I often attend, but forgo lap dances and such as they are expensive and I am not interested. I'm sorry but every man that is invited to a bacherlor party that involves a strip club is making a choice. Blaming the groom or best man for what another man chooses to do isn't right. Just because a bunch of guys are going, doesn't mean a man that is invited has to go. What is more important? Saving face among male friends or honoring your commitment to your partner by not putting youserlf in overtly sexual situations that do infact have some temptation there and that there is going to be a minimal level of interaction with strippers. After all, no man that enters a strip club is completely seperate from the action even if he isn't getting a lap dance. I also noticed not one guy yet has really addressed my question about if hteir woman wanted to strip for one night among a bunch of men.
Sanman Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I'm sorry but every man that is invited to a bacherlor party that involves a strip club is making a choice. Blaming the groom or best man for what another man chooses to do isn't right. Just because a bunch of guys are going, doesn't mean a man that is invited has to go. What is more important? Saving face among male friends or honoring your commitment to your partner by not putting youserlf in overtly sexual situations that do infact have some temptation there and that there is going to be a minimal level of interaction with strippers. After all, no man that enters a strip club is completely seperate from the action even if he isn't getting a lap dance. I also noticed not one guy yet has really addressed my question about if their woman wanted to strip for one night among a bunch of men. EDIT: 800th post! It is a silly question, but I could care less if my woman stripped in front a bunch of men she did not engage with the m physically. Nudity is nudity, whatever. It isn't about saving face among my male friends, but supporting a friend who is getting married. The bachelor party and wedding are about him and not me. It has nothing to do with honoring a relationship as I am not necessarily getting a lap dance or engaging in physical contact. By that definition, if I saw a streaker running across the street I would have to confess to my gf that I cheated. Besides, the guy is supposed to forgo a friend's bachelor party for a woman doesn't even want a serious relationship with him?
madjac74 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I'm sorry but every man that is invited to a bacherlor party that involves a strip club is making a choice. Blaming the groom or best man for what another man chooses to do isn't right. Just because a bunch of guys are going, doesn't mean a man that is invited has to go. What is more important? Saving face among male friends or honoring your commitment to your partner by not putting youserlf in overtly sexual situations that do infact have some temptation there and that there is going to be a minimal level of interaction with strippers. After all, no man that enters a strip club is completely seperate from the action even if he isn't getting a lap dance. I also noticed not one guy yet has really addressed my question about if hteir woman wanted to strip for one night among a bunch of men. OMG you talking about men in strip clubs again ugh! I will repeat that you can go to a strip club without having sexual desires toward the dancers. You can even be completely oblivious to their presence and you can even miss your SO more. But you have this jaded view of men being all creepy and excited to motorboat every stripper they see!
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