hhhmmm Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I’ve been dating a girl off and on for about a year now. The middle of last month we decided to have an exclusive relationship. So we have officially only been a couple for about a month now. For the last two or three months now she mentions a guy friend pretty much every time we get together and has never mentioned any other friends. It’s never anything bigger than what he is doing exercise wise or other simple things along that line. It had bothered me when we were just casually dating but since we were just casually dating I didn’t think I had any place to say anything. Now that we are in a relationship I asked about her and her friend. She told me how they met three or four years ago and dated for about a week and then called it quits. They stayed friends; would go to parties together, exercise etc. etc. She says that she doesn’t have feelings for him but concedes that she thinks he has feelings for her. So I came here to seek advice on what, if anything, to do with that. If they were just casual friends who hung out with a group of friends on the weekend I wouldn’t mind so much but what I’m really struggling with is that just the two of them jog together quite frequently (2+ times a week). So my question to you all would be, what would you do/what is your opinion of this situation? Do I ask her not to jog with him anymore? Do I ask her not to have one on one time with him? Do I ask her to not see him? Do I meet this guy and go jogging with them like invited? Do I just not do anything? Any advice/input/comments would be greatly appreciated.
todd Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Have trust in your girlfriend. Its the only way to go. If you sit there and tell her who she can and can not be friends with, your relationship will probably not last. She told you she has no feelings for him and they only dated for a week and have been friends for three years. Trusting her and letting her be is the only way to go about it. If you want to go jogging with them or hang out with the two of them it should not be that big of a problem but do it because you want to and not because you are watching over her. You have to let her be her and do her own thing. A relationship with no trust is no relationship at all.
coolheadal Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I won't stand for that though this is me. Should be only you she focus on. He can change or control her if she has any deep feelings for him still. That's the issue you would have to watch out for. Why is he still hanging around her, you need to step up your game. Protect your interest. She should tell the ex lover to get out of her life since she as another man you! But again women want to have it both ways. You and him that's the wrong way to go about it.
todd Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I won't stand for that though this is me. Should be only you she focus on. He can change or control her if she has any deep feelings for him still. That's the issue you would have to watch out for. Why is he still hanging around her, you need to step up your game. Protect your interest. She should tell the ex lover to get out of her life since she as another man you! But again women want to have it both ways. You and him that's the wrong way to go about it. There is no issue to watch out for... You think is she might have deep feelings for him still and that means you need to take her away from the world and try to keep her all to yourself as a way to hold on to her... If she can so easily be changed or controlled then it wasn't that deep of a relationship to begin with. If she cheats on him with this guy or any other guy then it wasn't meant to be anyway. Trying to keep someone all to yourself is the easiest way of losing them forever because there is no trust. The only issue I see here is if he still truly wants to get back with her (which goes against what she says and how their relationship only last a week yet they have been together for 3 years and never tried again) and isn't just in it for a friend. But again that is up to your girlfriend to straighten him out and not you. She is an adult and she can take care of herself when it comes to other guys. If he still has feelings for her and she knows then she needs to tell him that this friendship wont work out until he has moved past her and they can actually be just friends.
coolheadal Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 There is no issue to watch out for... You think is she might have deep feelings for him still and that means you need to take her away from the world and try to keep her all to yourself as a way to hold on to her... If she can so easily be changed or controlled then it wasn't that deep of a relationship to begin with. If she cheats on him with this guy or any other guy then it wasn't meant to be anyway. Trying to keep someone all to yourself is the easiest way of losing them forever because there is no trust. The only issue I see here is if he still truly wants to get back with her (which goes against what she says and how their relationship only last a week yet they have been together for 3 years and never tried again) and isn't just in it for a friend. But again that is up to your girlfriend to straighten him out and not you. She is an adult and she can take care of herself when it comes to other guys. If he still has feelings for her and she knows then she needs to tell him that this friendship wont work out until he has moved past her and they can actually be just friends. Situations like this always end up in confusion. That girl can do a complete 360 and go in either direction. We can't say what she'll really do with these two guys she now have. But what she really needs to do it get rid of the prior guy if you wants this newer guy (OP) to feel good and not worry about this prior guy coming back into her life either as guy friend only or some sort of on and off lover. Just takes one mistake and bang she'll feel like she made a mistake then have to tell the OP she didn't something she didn't mean to do. I would hate to be in that situation not a pleasant one. But hey it might not even happen and all is good. Just have to think it won't happen, but also think it could happen too. Just have to keep your guard up. Until this guy gets out of the picture. So OP, it's you, her and him. But when your not around it's her and him. That's what I would worry about. The trust in her to do the right thing is will be hard. Hopefully she won't give in to the prior guy jesters.
dasein Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 (edited) Does she want you to meet this guy and to be his friend also? Is she open to making this happen and not just lipservicing the issue (something always seems to come up when the three of you are going to get together)? Will he be a friend to the relationship? Does their relationship go both ways, or does he seem to do lots for her and her nothing for him? If their friendship does not pass all these tests unequivocally, he needs to GO. Women have a way of being purposefully obtuse about this issue because they love attention, even if it is disrespectful to their BF. I've never been in an exclusive relationship with a woman who would put up with me going running regularly or getting together alone in any other way with a woman whom I dated in the past and might still have feelings for me. Not one. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Edited September 11, 2011 by dasein
Art_Critic Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) Trust her.. it's her game right now.. If you say anything it will be taken wrong and show distrust and you will lose in the end... She isn't doing anything wrong and isn't dating the guy.. Edited September 12, 2011 by Art_Critic
todd Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I've never been in an exclusive relationship with a woman who would put up with me going running regularly or getting together alone in any other way with a woman whom I dated in the past and might still have feelings for me. Not one. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Are you still with any of those girls that wouldn't let you hang out with your exs or girls that you were friends with and had no feelings for anymore? My ex who I am still good friends with had to break up with a boyfriend partly because of our friendship. She is a very attractive woman and always has men coming up with her asking to buy her a drink or if she wants to go out to eat with them, etc. It comes with being with an attractive woman. Well this guy couldn't handle the fact and was constantly trying to fight every single guy that came up to talk to her. He didn't let her breath and it suffocated the relationship until she had to dump him. She never cheated on him with any guys, but he couldn't handle being with an attractive woman. He always thought she was going to leave him or cheat on him and his actions are the only thing that actually turned her off him. So in the end he did lose her, but because of his actions and not hers. Trust your relationship. You ultimately can not lose. Either she sees you as a powerful man that can accept the fact that she has friends and men that will try to get with her, or she does cheat on you in which you find out sooner rather then later that she wasn't the girl you thought she was and it was never going to work out anyway. The later hurts of course, but it will happen whether you want it to or not if the relationship is not strong to begin with.
dasein Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Are you still with any of those girls that wouldn't let you hang out with your exs or girls that you were friends with and had no feelings for anymore? I don't see the relevance, and the answer is plainly no as I posted that every woman I've dated was like this. Your point being? My ex who... Straw man, not at all the same as OP's situation, who is not trying to fight every man who comes up and talks to his GF, very different from being uncomfortable with her hanging out alone regularly with a guy she used to date who may still have feelings for her. Trust your relationship. You ultimately can not lose. Either she sees you as a powerful man that can accept the fact that she has friends and men that will try to get with her, or she does cheat on you in which you find out sooner rather then later that she wasn't the girl you thought she was and it was never going to work out anyway. The later hurts of course, but it will happen whether you want it to or not if the relationship is not strong to begin with. Maybe in an ideal world, but we don't actually live in one of those. Desirable women almost always have several hangers on in the wings whom she refers to as "friends" who are not true friends, but guys who are waiting for a chance with her. They may even be actively sabotaging her current relationship, and if you believe that relationships aren't ruined every day by the well-calculated efforts of third parties, I don't know what to say. At the first fight, even a good girl will go running to these guys for moral support, and they will be only too glad to run you down unduly while building her up unduly. Recipe for losing control of your relationship and a breakup, usually exactly what these pseudo friends want. Women can be much more impressionable than men, especially in the midst of an argument and every relationship has disagreements. It is very easy to tell the difference between a GF's true friends of the opposite sex and hangers on trying to get with her. I posted some of the tests. Guys who fail those tests, as said previously need to GO, or I do. People who aren't comfortable with restricting their behavior in certain very basic ways while in exclusive relationships, namely avoiding reasonable things that signal disrespect or make their partner uncomfortable, shouldn't be in exclusive relationships.
phineas Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 How do you date for a week? Does she mean sex? If she slept with him and she was spending time with him i'd end it. every time i'd been in a situation where a woman was hanging out with an ex it turned out she was sleeping with him. Talking about him all the time means he is on her mind quite a bit & perhaps she is the one with feelings for him. I refuse to be in that type of situation again.
dasein Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 How do you date for a week? Does she mean sex? That's an excellent point.
thatone Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 tell her the next time she goes to see him instead of you, it will be the last, and she should stay with him. you've been with her off and on for a year and she agreed to exclusivity last month? this guy isn't her jogging partner, he's her FWB partner. your problem is you're too blind to see it.
robdrm32 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Have trust in your girlfriend. Its the only way to go. If you sit there and tell her who she can and can not be friends with, your relationship will probably not last. She told you she has no feelings for him and they only dated for a week and have been friends for three years. Trusting her and letting her be is the only way to go about it. If you want to go jogging with them or hang out with the two of them it should not be that big of a problem but do it because you want to and not because you are watching over her. You have to let her be her and do her own thing. A relationship with no trust is no relationship at all. If he doesn't have the balls to set boundaries the relationship won't last either. OP i say go jogging with them once and get a feel for him. If he seems put off by you, or seems to friendly with her then later on tell her you aren't cool with her seeing him. If she can't respect that then you know your place and its time to walk. The fact you are on this site posting says you aren't cool with it, and I wouldn't be either. This guy's advice is to basically trust her until you find out she isn't trustworthy. Or you could trust her not to put herself in these kinds of situations, especially with a guy she has dated and probably has feelings for her.
Tasha49 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 -Dating on and off for a year- Whose choice was it not to make it official until a whole year later?
todd Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) I don't see the relevance, and the answer is plainly no as I posted that every woman I've dated was like this. Your point being? I was just curious.. Perhaps if there was enough trust in your relationships that you were comfortable with each other having friends of the opposite sex it could of worked better. Straw man, not at all the same as OP's situation, who is not trying to fight every man who comes up and talks to his GF, very different from being uncomfortable with her hanging out alone regularly with a guy she used to date who may still have feelings for her.Lets see, I was talking from experience of being the GUY friend (ex) and presenting first hand experience how a lack of trust can screw up a relationship that could of worked otherwise if the boyfriend wasn't so insecure. The same situation can happen if he overreacts and tries to smother her for no reason. Maybe in an ideal world, but we don't actually live in one of those. Desirable women almost always have several hangers on in the wings whom she refers to as "friends" who are not true friends, but guys who are waiting for a chance with her. They may even be actively sabotaging her current relationship, and if you believe that relationships aren't ruined every day by the well-calculated efforts of third parties, I don't know what to say. At the first fight, even a good girl will go running to these guys for moral support, and they will be only too glad to run you down unduly while building her up unduly. Recipe for losing control of your relationship and a breakup, usually exactly what these pseudo friends want. Women can be much more impressionable than men, especially in the midst of an argument and every relationship has disagreements.If she is going to leave you that easily then it wasn't meant to be because she is not mature enough for an actual relationship. A woman is smart enough to know who are "hanger" friends, and those who are true friends (almost like brothers). A woman knows who to talk to and who not to when she needs to let out her emotions. If she cheats with you with one of these guys she KNOWS is just trying to get with her, then she was going to cheat with you or end it anyway. It is very easy to tell the difference between a GF's true friends of the opposite sex and hangers on trying to get with her. I posted some of the tests. Guys who fail those tests, as said previously need to GO, or I do. People who aren't comfortable with restricting their behavior in certain very basic ways while in exclusive relationships, namely avoiding reasonable things that signal disrespect or make their partner uncomfortable, shouldn't be in exclusive relationships.THIS!!! As noted, spotting these "hangers," are easy compared to true male friends. The women you date can spot them and so can you (dasein does a great job listing ways to test these guys). Don't jump to conclusions and tell her she can't have any males friends or quickly try to accuse those male friends of having ulterior motives. Get to know this male friend and see what kind of man he is. You can tell pretty easily who these guys are when you get to know them. Again, have trust in your relationship until you see something to think otherwise. Don't jump to conclusions. If he doesn't have the balls to set boundaries the relationship won't last either.Preventing her from having friends is not a great boundary in a relationship... that's called being in a controlling relationship. Edited September 12, 2011 by todd
dasein Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Preventing her from having friends is not a great boundary in a relationship... that's called being in a controlling relationship. Yeah, I think we were talking about two different things originally, we both seem to be in agreement that legit opposite sex friends are fine. The disagreement is that I'm not the "give a woman rope to hang herself" type any more, have had them misinterpret that as me not caring enough, and then they run off and do some completely out of proportion thing in retaliation and there goes the relationship while her pseudo friends chuckle in the background. More I think about it though, thatone is onto something. Hate to be that cynical, but today it is what it is. I have literally pressed women who have just asked me for exclusivity into admitting that the exclusivity applies only to me and not them, not dumb bimbos either but 35 y.o. executives. The innate level of privilege among women "out there" in the dating world today is astounding.
thatone Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 here's the thing, no woman who is capable of putting equal effort into a relationship as the man she is with is going to keep male friends. the common thread you'll notice amongst all women that do is that they are single, or working at a failing marriage or relationship of their own. because the bottom line is, what would she say if you refused her to spend time with another woman? she would be furious, that's what. so you can and should be furious if she spends time with another man rather than you.
todd Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Yeah, I think we were talking about two different things originally, we both seem to be in agreement that legit opposite sex friends are fine. The disagreement is that I'm not the "give a woman rope to hang herself" type any more, have had them misinterpret that as me not caring enough, and then they run off and do some completely out of proportion thing in retaliation and there goes the relationship while her pseudo friends chuckle in the background. More I think about it though, thatone is onto something. Hate to be that cynical, but today it is what it is. I have literally pressed women who have just asked me for exclusivity into admitting that the exclusivity applies only to me and not them, not dumb bimbos either but 35 y.o. executives. The innate level of privilege among women "out there" in the dating world today is astounding. I could see the not caring part. I have actually had women talk to me about that. I am extremely laid back in my relationships and have had girls call me out on it. "About how I could let guys try to hit on them right in front of me." I would always say, "If you want to be with THAT guy, then go for it." Now, I might have too much confidence in myself compared to other men and trust in my relationship, but that is who I am. I have actually had one girl leave me and then tell me she thought I didn't care enough about her or tried to fight for her more. I guess a way of showing you cared OP, would be to actually get to know this guy friend and feeling him out. If he is a true friend then you should be able to accept him into your life like she has in hers.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 For the last two or three months now she mentions a guy friend pretty much every time we get together and has never mentioned any other friends. It’s never anything bigger than what he is doing exercise wise or other simple things along that line. It had bothered me when we were just casually dating but since we were just casually dating I didn’t think I had any place to say anything. Now that we are in a relationship I asked about her and her friend. She told me how they met three or four years ago and dated for about a week and then called it quits. They stayed friends; would go to parties together, exercise etc. etc. She says that she doesn’t have feelings for him but concedes that she thinks he has feelings for her. Since youve only been official for a month, you have to wait for her to grow on you. But keep this in the back of your mind so you dont get hurt just in case. I think she has reversed the situation with her friend to make herself look innocent. I think she still has feelings for him, because HE called it quits when they dated. I also think they dated for more than a week, she wanted to be more than friends, and she is still hanging on today hoping that guy will change his mind. Which means you dont get most of her true feelings, he does. You cant tell her who to hang out with, and if you tell her that talking about him makes you uncomfortable, it will make you look insecure. So what you do is, let it go for now, and watch her actions and make sure they match her words. Keep in mind she might be lying to you about him, but watch the red flags that look suspicious. If she never gains full feelings for you, theres nothing you can do about that if she doesnt want to. So dont get attached to her yet until you know for sure that you dont have to worry about her feelings for that guy, and dont say anything yet. Dont believe everything she says just because you want it to be true, make sure her words match her actions.
Recommended Posts