I still don't get it...

[Confused188]

Hi Everyone! I have been reading these forums for the past week and would love some feedback on my situation. I dated him for about 3 1/2 months. We were set up by his brother who is a close friend of mine. I was warned that he is a workaholic and I would need patience with him since he is EXTREMELY laid back, I thought I could handle the challenge. The first 2 1/2 months were great. He initiated all the texting and phone calls. Texts everyday, phone calls 2-3 week. We went out on about 13 dates, all great. Great chemistry, great conversations, he was very affectionate (holding my hand, caressing my face, always kissing me.) The last month I started noticing I would go 2-3 days without hearing from him. The phonecalls stopped and I was only getting texts now. I felt like he wasn't making much of an effort anymore to talk to me nor see me. I held my frustration in bc I was trying to take things slow, but being in our mid 30's, there's really no need to waste anyone's time if your not interested. I decided I didn't want to hold it in anymore and told him we needed to talk. I called him last Thursday and for the first time, he didn't pick up my phone call. I text him telling him if he got a few free minutes to call me, he replied with "ok". No phone call came that day so I decided to text him that night (after talking to his brother and telling him how I was feeling), and said "Lately i've been feeling like your not interested anymore. I'm a little confused." He replies with "I've just had a lot on my plate these past days. you're def fun. Just got a lof on my mind." I decided to call him up the next morning to talk. He picks up and sounds extremely tired. He tells me he understands how frustrated I must be with him and He would be too. He tells me about all the things that have been going on lately. Work, school, money, baby brother trying to move back in with him again. I tell him if he wants some space and he says, " Yes, let me just have some time to work everything out since I don't know wether i'm coming or going these days." I then ask him what do you want to do about us? He says, "Lets just stay friends for now". I tell him ok, and for him to give me a call when he takes care of what he has to but then he proceeds to tell me, " I'll see you on Sunday though, right?!?" This took me back because I'm thinking he's not interested and i'm giving him the chance to end it so why even bring that up? (we had made plans a week prior to meet up that Sunday). I told him to call me on Sunday if he still wanted to do something. Didn't think I would hear from him but He did text me last Sunday. I guess I was still bitter about the situation and acted completely cold and was very short with my replies. I really did not want to see him that day. I told him I wasn't feeling well and did not want to do anything. He said "ok" and that was that. It's been 7 days and I still haven't heard from him, this is the longest we've gone without talking since we've met. I don't want to push anything but I really do miss him and miss talking to him. We had such great times together. I've been doing the NC because I really do want to give him his space but the way I acted towards him during our last text conversation is bothering me now. I Know it's only been a week but It's driving me crazy that I haven't heard from him . I thought everything was fine between us but maybe i'm being naive? Was that his copout to end things?? Any thoughts?

[Dark Phoenix]

Being that this was a short relationship I suspect that the honeymoon period ended for him and he is coming to terms with the two of you. He thinks you two are not compatible for whatever reason(s). You are doing the right thing with NC, stick with it. But I wouldn't hold onto the hope that he will contact you any time soon, if ever.

[Confused188]

Thanks Dark Phoenix for your reply. I guess I thought everything was fine and it took me by surprise. I'm just still confused, If he wasn't interested, why not just say so? and why even want to meet up 2 days after the "I need some space" talk? I just don't understand and I was feeling so strong for the past week about NC (must of been bc I was still just mad about the situation) but I'm starting to feel weak now. I'm starting to wonder if I was to cold towards him and now he thinks I completely want nothing to do with him? I spoke to his brother and he told me I was over analizing everything. He said to just give him some time, if he wanted nothing to do with me he would have said something to him. I really have a bad urge to shoot him a text saying "hi" but I'm trying to remain strong about NC. I know it was a short relationship, but sometimes your feelings towards a person can grow in a small time frame. He was so great, such a gentleman, I guess I just really do miss him and his company.

[M2155]

This sounds like the express version of how my relationship went. I agree with Dark Phoenix but I'm going to tell you something a little conflicting.

 

In the beginning of my relationship it was as you mentioned and then as the honeymoon peroid wore off, his attentiveness tapered off a little and that didn't bother me so much (but when it got to almost no effort, I panicked).

 

I didn't want to push and especially since he was giving me the "I'm so busy/stressed with this and that," I wanted to give him space so I didn't complain too much, the last thing I wanted was to seem desperate or needy. I agree with Dark Phoenix because my ex was perfectly capable of making time for me in the beginning where he was equally busy and stressed. So for that I would say not that into you.

 

However after our breakup (and a couple times toward the end) he mentioned that I did not call as much (again, leaving it to him to show me through effort) and he wasn't sure what I wanted from him or where I wanted the relationship to go. That hit me like a brick because I guess I didn't put it out there. I didn't want to put out "serious" expectations if he wasn't ready, but while I thought he was retreating because he was busy/stressed, he retreated right into the arms of another woman and moved in together. Now I wonder had I been more direct about what I wanted and held him to that instead of "letting" him get away with "busy/stressed" I may have fared differently.

 

Maybe you could just call/meet him and tell him what you're really looking for and if he sees the same vision for himself. If so, he has to agree to give the relationship some priority. This is definitely a post-honeymoon phase conversation.

Edited September 11, 2011 by M2155

[Confused188]

Thank you M2155! I was trying to do the same thing. The first 2 1/2 months were great and no worries because he was putting in all the effort, but when it stopped I guess I just started to panick as well. There was def no communication on my part about what I wanted because I did not want to come off as needy/clingy so I never talked about anything getting serious. I was also not showing my real feelings towards him bc there was 2 instances where he stated that "I was not interested" in him. It's not that I wasn't interested, I was just trying to play it cool. I do know he has A LOT going on, a few things that he didn't have when we first met, so I understand he has a lot on his mind. He genuinely is a great guy. I just don't know if I came off as to cold when he wanted to hang out last week after I told him I would and now i'm regretting it. I'm still confused bc i'm not sure if that was his way of "blowing me off nicely" or if he still sees us together once he takes care certain things. I don't want to be pushy or needy but I wish I would have gone to meet up with him last Sunday. I'm sure having a face to face talk would have cleared up things and I would have been able to tell him exactly how I felt. I'm going to keep the NC for another week or 2, if I still don't hear from him by then I'll give him a call so we can meet up. Thank you so much for your replies, it really does help to see how other people view the situation.

[Mack05]

This is going to sound harsh Confused188 and in no way is it meant as a critisism of you (so I apologise in advance), but have u ever seen the movie "he is just not into you". Some men (and women of course, but I will speak from a male prespective here) are just not decent people. I am basing this on friends/mates of mine that I have known over various years in different countries.

 

Some men will tell a woman what she wants to hear to score in a club (one night stand), others will date girls for awhile until they figure out what they want. Most men have good sides/charming sides to their personalities and you will see those sides, as he tries to impress you. I have no doubt he was into you at the start, but there is always a phase around 3-6 months where a man needs to decide if he wants to fully commit to a relationship or not. If he wants to commit, you won't notice any difference. In fact he will probably be more attentive and loving. If he doesn't, he becomes distant and aloof like your guy is being right now. He has probably decided a few weeks previous that he doesn't see a future with you, but he doesn't know how to break it to you. When a guy is really into someone, he will keep making the effort no matter how crazy things are in his life. Trust me on that. Right now he wants to look like the good guy by saying "things are a mess" but believe me this is just an act, so that you won't view him badly. This guy is neither sincere or genuine. I am almost certain of this.

 

There is a lot more going on with this guy then 'a busy career'. The fact you were warned before you even started should tell you that. Who knows what his problems are. It's amazing how families will defend their own, even if they treat a girl badly.. "It's not his fault, he is just going through a tough time" etc etc. I bet if you spoke to his ex's, they would enlighten you a lot more then his brother ever could.

 

I would go NC on him and his brother, until you have fully moved on. Staying friends with his brother will make things more complicated and this will effect your healing. If his brother is a good friend he will understand. Hope it works out for you.

[Confused188]

Thank you Mack05 for your reply. No, I have not seen that movie, but I should probably go out and get a copy ASAP! lol You are right, I guess that was his copout of ending things. I just wish people would have the courage to just say what's on their mind instead of leaving others "guessing". I feel a bit silly for being so naive, I was just hoping he meant what he said. I just wanna call him up and call him a coward! (Of course I won't do this though ). I in no way wanted this to get in between my friendship with his brother (we've been friends for 12yrs!), but it does hurt me talking to him because he of course reminds me of him. I will continue the NC, it's his loss

[M2155]

Mack05 is probably right, but if you don't want to walk away your relationship is "young" enough you don't have anything to lose in asking if you really wanted to know. I'm only saying this because my ex said almost exactly that once "we became cool," that's all we could be. He could be full of $hit- and he is- but I take it to heart because I was in fact "playing it cool" when my feelings were more than that. Guys want someone really into them too, there is no attraction in "cool" and I should have been true to my feelings.

 

I don't know if your situation is the same and yes it has been suspect from the start with his "busy career", I'm just saying if you've not let it be known what you want, if he is worth it to you maybe you should find out if that's why he pulled back.

[Besmy]

I also agree with Mack05, he is not into you (and please do watch that movie). I would suggest you stop talking to his brother as you don't know whether he is telling you ex every bit you are telling him.

 

Go NC and move on, you'll find someone better!