My boyfriend or my muslim family?

[katya321]

here's my story:

 

I am a 22 year old girl from turkey, i've lived in Canada for almost 4 years now. Two years ago I met my boyfriend in college we started dating and fell in love. I kept this as a secret from my family for almost 4 months before my mom found out and freaked out completely as I'm not allowed to date. My dad doesn't even know I have a boyfriend. My parents are very strict muslims but i never followed the religion cause I don't believe in religion at all. I am not allowed to dress the way I want or go out past 10 pm at night. I was okay with that untill they started to interfere between me and my boyfriend whom i love with all my heart, we have a special thing and i'm really scared they would ruin it. I had to lie to them every time I wanted to go out, I was never allowed to stay over. I had to lie and say i was going on a school trip to stay over at his house. I used to change my clothes after i leave the house too (sometimes in the laundry room downstairs). I used to go to his parents house for Christmas and when i come back home my mom would be furious because I spent time with his family and how I'm forgetting my religion. It got to the point where my brother threatened to kill me if he sees me going out with him again (he followed me once to see whom im going out with). I talked to my parents about moving out because i thought they would understand cause we're all adults but instead they started calling me names and saying how much of a bad person I am for doing that and only s**** move out of their parents house before marriage and threatened me that if id do it they would never ever speak to me again. That's when I decided to move out this summer so I got 2 jobs, saved money, found a cheap place and waited for the right time to do it. I ran away when they were all outside. I missed my mom after a week so i called her and all she did was guilt trapping me to come back home, my other brother found out where i lived and showed up to tell me that my mom is sick and that I destroyed the whole family by moving out and my little sister is crying because she misses me. I went back home because I didn't want my mom to go through all of that because of me and they were surprisingly happy that I am back and they said that they forgave me for the "mistake" I did. I didn't bring my stuff back home i just kept them in my place i rented. I still pay rent for that place so i could see my boyfriend there. I am stuck between two worlds now and its too much stress to handle especially now that school is back. I know that my boyfriend loves me, he says he wishes he could help me but he doesn't know what to do. He's been very supportive and stuck with me for 2 years even with all my family problems. He's a good guy with an awesome family, they love me and always say how my boyfriend is lucky to have me and he does too. However, I'm starting to have doubts about him because my family keeps putting these ideas in my head that he's gonna leave me one day and i'll have no one then and end up on the streets and that he's only with me because I give him everything he wants, so now every little selfish thing he does gets to me, like when he would rather spend time with his friend than with me. I have no idea what to do, should i stay with my family and be unhappy but at least get financial support and know that someone is at least there for me or should i just cut off all ties with them and move out once and for all for my boyfriend? I don't wanna look back one day and say "what if". I just hope that no one would be in my situation because this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Edited September 11, 2011 by katya321

[coolheadal]

Your still living under the same roof as your parents. Do you have a good career job? Can you move out and buy our own place. This is where you need to start. The family will control you if you stay there. Your culture is different and women seem to be second and the man is first. If you want to stay with the guy you met you need to change your life. Your family won't let you change though, you going to have to decide what you want? Stay with the family way or start your own new way? If you do the second way then you'll be shun from them. This is kind of to step into being on your own and no family contact what so ever!

[denise_xo]

I have no idea what to do, should i stay with my family and be unhappy but at least get financial support and know that someone is at least there for me or should i just cut off all ties with them and move out once and for all for my boyfriend?

 

I don't think you should move out for your boyfriend, you should move out for YOURSELF. It sounds like you need to distance yourself from your family for a bit so you can take the plunge into increased independence, not just financially but also emotionally, so that you can take important life decisions like this based on your own assessment of the situation. Good luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

I understand that you are from a different culture, but your family sounds very manipulative and controlling. If I were in your place, I would move back out and stay there. If you want your independence and control over your own life as an adult, you are going to have to make it happen. Your family certainly isn't going to do it.

 

This is your life, and it's a new century. I'm a firm believer in leaving the old, outdated ways behind us, and progressing to a more equal, productive future.

 

Seek out other people from other cultures who are dealing with the same pressures. These people can relate to you directly, and you can support each other.

 

Also, many colleges offer free or low-cost counseling, and this could be very helpful to you during a tough transition.

 

It is possible that families like yours will eventually come around. I have a friend from Pakistan who resisted her very wealthy family's control, moved out on her own when she wanted to, and married a white man. In spite of their many initial attempts to strong-arm her into doing what they wanted her to do, including threats to cut her off financially for the rest of her life, they eventually grew to accept her choices, and now their relationship is fine.

[katya321]

Thanks guys for the answers. I talked to my mom today about the whole thing. She said that we are from a different culture and I should respect that. She said I could leave the house after I graduate and have something to start life with. Kinda makes me feel like she's concerned about me but she also dissed my boyfriend and said that he's not gonna be there for me when I need him and I'll learn that the hard way if i leave. Last thing she said was I either stay at home and follow the rules or leave and never show her my face again. I think I need time to think about it

[katya321]

Also, many colleges offer free or low-cost counseling, and this could be very helpful to you during a tough transition.

.

 

You're right, I actually booked an appointment with a student counsellor, I hope that would help me make a decision. I'm so confused and tired this is how i spent my whole summer

[FitChick]

Your family is from another culture, yes, but they chose to move to Canada, which has its own culture. They need to assimilate. That is the problem with some immigrants who demand that their adopted country change everything to suit them. If they don't like western customs they can move to the middle east where they will feel right at home.

 

I know that some Muslim women have been the victims of honor killings so you need to know if that is something you have to guard against.

[D-Lish]

Thanks guys for the answers. I talked to my mom today about the whole thing. She said that we are from a different culture and I should respect that. She said I could leave the house after I graduate and have something to start life with. Kinda makes me feel like she's concerned about me but she also dissed my boyfriend and said that he's not gonna be there for me when I need him and I'll learn that the hard way if i leave. Last thing she said was I either stay at home and follow the rules or leave and never show her my face again. I think I need time to think about it

 

Why bother moving to Canada then???? That's what pisses me off about immigrants, they come to Canada and decide to isolate themselves instead of assimilating.

 

So your boyfriend is Christian... Is he also white?

[katya321]

Why bother moving to Canada then???? That's what pisses me off about immigrants, they come to Canada and decide to isolate themselves instead of assimilating.

 

So your boyfriend is Christian... Is he also white?

 

Yeah he's canadian and christian but not religious either

[katya321]

Why bother moving to Canada then???? That's what pisses me off about immigrants, they come to Canada and decide to isolate themselves instead of assimilating.

 

I kind of understand what they are going through because you can't really change something they were raised on and believed in for 40+ years in a short time, still that doesn't give them the right to put me through pain because they're too proud and too brain-washed by their religion to accept the fact that all I want is not lose my boyfriend or them

[coolheadal]

This is how culture is close minded socialistic won't mingle with the natives of the new land they're in. This girl is smart but has to decide which comes first love of her family or love of stranger to the family. She's breaking the rules of her culture though. Her mom means well but sometimes they think of the old ways and not the new one. The guy you have now if he really deep truly loves you from his heart and mindset then just maybe your mom is wrong about him and he'll always be there. I know if I was him I wouldn't want to loose a girl like you. Girls like you are very rare to come by. I wish you the best of luck in this important step!

[katya321]

This is how culture is close minded socialistic won't mingle with the natives of the new land they're in. This girl is smart but has to decide which comes first love of her family or love of stranger to the family. She's breaking the rules of her culture though. Her mom means well but sometimes they think of the old ways and not the new one. The guy you have now if he really deep truly loves you from his heart and mindset then just maybe your mom is wrong about him and he'll always be there. I know if I was him I wouldn't want to loose a girl like you. Girls like you are very rare to come by. I wish you the best of luck in this important step!

 

Thank you that actually made me feel a bit better

[Ruby Slippers]

The guy you have now if he really deep truly loves you from his heart and mindset then just maybe your mom is wrong about him and he'll always be there.

This is true.

 

But the larger point here is what degree of adult independence you want to claim, versus what degree you are willing to be controlled by your family and their old-fashioned beliefs. Right now, your parents are trying to control your dating and living circumstances. In the future, it will just be something else that they are trying to control.

 

This man may end up being Mr. Right, or he might not. I don't think you should make your decisions about this based on him and your relationship. Your relationship has been a good motivator to look at all this, but you have no way of knowing whether this relationship will last or not.

 

Make these decisions for yourself, based on how you want your life to be.

[katya321]

Make these decisions for yourself, based on how you want your life to be.

 

You're right, my life has been revolving around him for a while now which is a mistake a lot of girls do. I think about him every time i wanna make a decision no matter how small it is, if it affects him negatively a tiny bit or makes him uncomfortable then I wouldn't do it. I know I should start thinking about myself first but its a lose lose situation for me, keeping both is impossible, so it's a little hard to make a decision because I care about both

[Ruby Slippers]

You're right, my life has been revolving around him for a while now which is a mistake a lot of girls do. I think about him every time i wanna make a decision no matter how small it is, if it affects him negatively a tiny bit or makes him uncomfortable then I wouldn't do it.

Believe me, a man will respect you more for being strong and taking good care of yourself than he will appreciate you for straining or shortchanging yourself for his comfort.

 

I know I should start thinking about myself first but its a lose lose situation for me, keeping both is impossible, so it's a little hard to make a decision because I care about both

If it were me, I would try to distinguish between what my parents are doing out of genuine love and care for me, and what they are doing for selfish reasons (their pride, wanting the kids to take care of their emotional needs, fear, etc.). Personally, I would not honor the selfish behavior, but would respect the loving behavior.

[D-Lish]

Yeah he's canadian and christian but not religious either

 

And your parents dislike and mistrust him because of this?

 

I kind of understand what they are going through because you can't really change something they were raised on and believed in for 40+ years in a short time, still that doesn't give them the right to put me through pain because they're too proud and too brain-washed by their religion to accept the fact that all I want is not lose my boyfriend or them

 

Hopefully, you being second a second generation Canadian will have a positive impact as you are more open to assimilating.

 

It just doesn't make sense to me to move to another country when you hate the people and disagree with the culture.

[coolheadal]

You're right, my life has been revolving around him for a while now which is a mistake a lot of girls do. I think about him every time i wanna make a decision no matter how small it is, if it affects him negatively a tiny bit or makes him uncomfortable then I wouldn't do it. I know I should start thinking about myself first but its a lose lose situation for me, keeping both is impossible, so it's a little hard to make a decision because I care about both

 

Well this is how it should be, I know if I was him I would respect you more and this is how all girls should act around the one the want to love and respect. But in all cases this is not so. Some here won't agree with me but coming from a man like me who is so romantic and loving for the other but it's a two-way street if the other isn't feeling the same then it can drop like a ton of bricks. Caring for both is very hard it has to be 50/50 across the board. Your smart girl you know best and act on it. I am sure he must fill the same otherwise you won't be going through all of this issue now. Your family won't change and you can't change them. It's your life and you have to decide what to do. They will tell you to marry someone from your own culture since it the right thing to do but would you be happy with arranged married. Your a modern girl your different than the girls of the past who came before.

 

Do you have anyone in your family that will back you up? Someone your close too, say aunt or cousin. Uncle would be good since he's a man. Your dad will not be happy with what you decide whether its good or not for him and the family.

Edited September 11, 2011 by coolheadal

[SillyS]

They move to Canada or the United States for the freedom to practice their religion and wear whatever they want. I don't think that's the point of the story anyway to criticize the nature of the parents. If two Canadians moved to Egypt, no one would blame them for wanting a church and having a bible in their home. People's cultures and religions are part of their identity, and this family is like many Muslim families in the world.

 

Anyway, I would try to reason with your mother. I think that a few of the girls I know have converted guys to Islam to marry them and settle them down. If this is a possibility and you would like to please your parents then you could always try to meet in the middle. The extent of practice would be up irrelevant as there would be no one monitoring his actions after he converts. OR You both could also just move on, but from my experience, but I think the sacrifice of losing your family as annoying and different as they are from you would be difficult on your relationship as well. Thus there is a real chance that if you chose him, you lose both your family and boyfriend because of the effect of this decision. I think some hard talks with him about the future, what you want, what he wants and really a formulated plan as what to do next would be a good idea.

 

Good luck

[Carlos S]

First of all, well done for not subscribing to bronze-age fantasies

 

My advice is to stay the hell away from your "family". They are not a real family. Parents should not be as controlling and manipulative as yours. And what kind if brother threatens to kill his sister?

 

Make plans to move. Move to the other side of the country if you can.

 

It's your life, and you should live it the way you want. It's a shame that your stuck with this family (I know Turkish or Muslim families aren't normally like this), but this is your chance to make decisions for yourself.

[coolheadal]

Why would he convert though. They can raise children in both faith you know. Culture aside today young have different ideas. Family will still love this girl but they won't want her around if she goes after this guy. That does need to change they should be with her 100% but old ways and stubbornness can get into the way of true love!

[katya321]

Believe me, a man will respect you more for being strong and taking good care of yourself than he will appreciate you for straining or shortchanging yourself for his comfort.

 

 

If it were me, I would try to distinguish between what my parents are doing out of genuine love and care for me, and what they are doing for selfish reasons (their pride, wanting the kids to take care of their emotional needs, fear, etc.). Personally, I would not honor the selfish behavior, but would respect the loving behavior.

 

You're absolutely right. I do respect the fact that they are worried about me but they are way more angry than worried because I've been breaking the rules of their "traditions" and religion. This whole thing is stupid because I dont think that someone should regret falling in love because of religion, something that doesn't even exist, and they're making me regret it. I feel lost

[Professor X]

You should be careful though. Where I live (not islamic country thank god, but lots of muslims) you hear everyday about a girl that got killed in the name of family honor by her brother (muslims ofc). Very common here.

[katya321]

I think the sacrifice of losing your family as annoying and different as they are from you would be difficult on your relationship as well. Thus there is a real chance that if you chose him, you lose both your family and boyfriend because of the effect of this decision. I think some hard talks with him about the future, what you want, what he wants and really a formulated plan as what to do next would be a good idea.

 

Good luck

Thanks I talked to him about it and he said he's in it for the long run. But the little things he does (like the day i ran away from my house he went camping with his friends and got drunk instead of being with me) and my familys constant nagging makes me doubt him. Being in the middle between the two actually sucks. Also, I do not want him to convert, he also kind of hates Islam now and I do too because of my family (My brother attacked him once when he was picking me up and told him to get the f*** out of there then pulled me from my hair and got me in the house in front of all the neighbours and him, most embarrassing scene) so thats not really a possibility lol

[katya321]

First of all, well done for not subscribing to bronze-age fantasies

 

My advice is to stay the hell away from your "family". They are not a real family. Parents should not be as controlling and manipulative as yours. And what kind if brother threatens to kill his sister?

 

Make plans to move. Move to the other side of the country if you can.

 

It's your life, and you should live it the way you want. It's a shame that your stuck with this family (I know Turkish or Muslim families aren't normally like this), but this is your chance to make decisions for yourself.

That's what I said today hoping that they would understand, but instead she tells me to stop speaking English to her and realize who I am and wake up before It's late. I don't know who to trust. I still have 2 more years till I graduate and find a decent job and move as far away from them as I can but I don't know if I could wait that long. Also they've been scaring me by telling me that the jobs I have wont be there for long and sooner or later I'll come back to them crying for help

[katya321]

You should be careful though. Where I live (not islamic country thank god, but lots of muslims) you hear everyday about a girl that got killed in the name of family honor by her brother (muslims ofc). Very common here.

 

Trust me I know all about honor killing. They have threatened me but never really did anything and I don't think they would