ameliapond Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Hi, thanks for reading this if you do! So about 10 weeks ago my boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me - I was completely unprepared for it as were our friends and families. He felt we'd grown apart. The last year has been long distance but I thought we were making it work. Obviously I was completely devestated and still am. Anyway I did no contact for a month, I broke it on his birthday and got a text back saying how thankful he was to hear from me as he'd been worried the whole time but didn't want to contact me and hurt me more. He was in such a mess breaking up with me as nothing in his life is working right now. Once i'd broken it I got a few jokey light texts which confused me. Fastforward a few weeks - i'm in his part of the country for business and I rang and suggested having a coffee. He was fine about it and really happy to see me - we chatted away and it was so good to see him talking positively about applying for jobs etc. I didn't try and ask to get back with him, I put on a really happy face and later got a text saying how glad he was that we were ok with each other as he really does want to try and be friends. Since then i've had a few other little texts about tv shows and stuff we used to watch. Thing is I can't do being Friends right now as I still love him very much. I would love to get him back and hate my heart for still hoping but my head knows it won't happen and it would only go back to being long distance anyway, it would be difficult to rekindle a spark with such limited together time. But should I leave it? He thinks we're ok, I genuinely think he thinks he can text as a friend. I don't want to ruin the fragile contact we've got going right now as I do want him as friend in the future - we went through a lot and have loads of mutual friends. However, everytime that phone goes my heart leaps and that aint right! Should I ring and have a heart to heart and just tell the truth that i'm not ready for friendship or carry on going? A friend thought if I kept up with the contact then something could rekindle but that's a big gamble. Equally telling him the truth could be embarassing and upsetting for us both. Maybe i've played it too much by the book and shielded him from quite how upset I am, I really don't know. Thoughts please!!!
SillyS Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I think he would understand if you were just simply honest with him, and told him that it's too soon for contact (he doesn't seem like a scumbag from what you say). That you still love and care about him too much, and that this attempt at friendship could possibly happen in the future but that at the time you should try to grow separately. I don't think I preach No Contact like everyone else on this site does, but see how complicated your life is with contact at this stage? It's depressing, sad, and it's putting you through even more of an emotional roller coaster. So please give yourself this time to process what happened, and then perhaps when you come to terms with the break up and feel comfortable with the decision then you could move in this direction and befriend him again. Also, if you leave him alone, there is always a chance that he sees how much he really cares about you. For your own peace of mind and for a potential future in this relationship, try to cut contact with him to heal yourself.
antinko Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Go no contact and if you do see him just be polite and smile. The problem is that, presently, you're having to manipulate your emotions too much. Go no contact and allow yourself to grieve. It's tough, but it's the best thing for you.
Author ameliapond Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Thanks for your responses. Well I rang to say all those things but stuffed up - we chatted for over an hour and it was sooo good to talk that I couldn't bring myself to say any of the stuff I wanted. Now i'm in limbo. I suppose it just confuses me how well we still get on -we split because he felt we'd grown apart but he clearly doesn't want me out of his life. Long distance relationships because of a world recession really suck.
ConfusedT Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 i just went through this and i know people will disagree, but please don't keep a fake smile on. ive done so for so long and it just made everything that much worse. if you're sad, cry, get everything out of your system. dont pretend to feel something if you dont really feel that way. you are jus covering up the pain, instead of dealing with it. ive literally been trying to smile for months, but im not happy, im just not. ive been acting like i was, pretending i was, faking it til i make it like i was, but none of that worked, because i wasnt being honest with myself and was using more energy to hate him and to pretend that i was over him. im not. i love him to death, he means the world to me, but we arent meant to be together and talking to him yesterday showed me that. all we did was talk crap to each other for two whole days and what did that do? absolutely nothing! we acted like teenagers and then he began to ignore me again (he's 23). so, i decided to stop acting like it was ok and just let myself feel what i am going thru and stop covering it up with a bandaid. i told him how i felt, he listened & now its my turn to heal myself.good luck!
Author ameliapond Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) Thank you for your post. It's tiring pretending to be fine isn't it. Unfortunately for my job I have to plaster a nice big grin on my face every day. Is there any point making him feel bad because i'm still hurting though? He's a good guy and he's too far away for me to bump into. Edited September 21, 2011 by ameliapond
mickleb Posted September 21, 2011 Posted September 21, 2011 Hi Amelia. (Great name! ) It sounds as though you haven't read the No Contact Guide. I suggest you do read it, or re-read it (it's one of the links on my signature) and devote some time to understanding the main thrust of it: that it will greatly help you to heal. I am one of those who advocates it strongly because I've had astounding results from it myself and - I've been here a while now - seen it work for 99.8% of the borken hearts on here. If he is a decent guy, you will still be able to be friends with him later, if that's what you want but, for now you must GET OVER HIM and you're not doing that. All contact, right now, is picking at the scab. Don't do it. With regards to the friends with exes thing, someone wise once wrote on here that, until you can go out on a double date (him with a new gf and you with a new bf) and NOBODY feels in the slightest bit uncomfortable, being friends isn't a good idea! Think about it. Anyway, I'm afraid it's time to work on your remaining relationships in life and, more importantly, take the time to figure out how you're going to improve your life, all by yourself! Take care. x
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