Way2blue Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 So I met this guy through a friend. He is related to her. He contacted me a year later, after our second meeting. Both meetings we hit it off really well and had interesting conversation. So when he contacted me we spent three months on the phone. He would call about every third day and we would talk for hours. I hadn't wanted to date anyone for the past two years and it was nice to have this friendship. We finally went out and after about the fifth date he kissed me and we cuddled for awhile but he didn't try anything more. He seemed to have a keen insight on how women work and he is a fun, courteous person. We got along so well! After about a month and a half he informed me that we were dating and it was exclusive. But after two and a half months of actually seeing each other I felt my feelings were getting stronger and I could see his weren't. He was remaining distant. He wouldn't bring me around his friends or take me anywhere around town like the fair. (his is a small town). He didn't want people to see us together in case it didn't work out. He said we were only dating and not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. He was gunshy because of a prior relationship where the woman abruptly broke up with him and right before her his other girlfriend had died of cancer. He said he cared about me but he wasn't ready to be responsible for someone's feelings. He could see he was hurting me and thought that we should be friends. I had written him a good ye poem anyway. We kissed and hugged and said goodbye. He said he would call. Not even two weeks later he is back with the woman who dumped him. None of his family like her. We got along so well and I was so good to him! He said he couldn't take the stress and that I'm a great lady but he has to live his life as he sees fit. He said he is having a tough time and needs to think. He also said he didn't overlap us but there are indications leading me to believe he did. His text asked if we could talk the next day but he never called. Does anyone think I have a chance of him coming back to me and having a real relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Do you have a chance..? No one knows... But why would you wan this guy back..? You deserve someone much more better... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Yeah, I didn't date for over two years for a reason. So it's not that I want someone per se, it's just that I got used to him. I love the times we shared and the talks we had, etc. I know I was a rebound but didn't see it at the time. I figured he was still healing over the other one's death and needed time for himself. He is obviously a rubberband man Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I'm really sorry to hear that... But I think you too know that this guy is not good for your health rite..? I don't know the reason why you didn't date for two years... But I believe that if you wan to, you are able to fix whatever problem you have... I'm too used to having my ex girlfriend around... Talking to her everyday... Wishing her good nite single nite... But sometime we need to accept reality that those are all a thing of the past... Rite now, they are no longer with us and with someone else... No one can help us feel happy other than ourselves... Why do we need to be sad and miss them when they are having the happiest day of their lives and they probably won't miss us at all... Let's stand up and love ourselves alrite..? There is someone out there that is waiting for you to love him and he is waiting to do the same to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 So you don't think he'll miss me? I guess I was just kinda hoping. He said he has so much going on in his life right now and that he couldn't focus on a relationship. His future is unstable because he owns his own business. His investments In real estate aren't sound. Etc. We were so alike! We sang together and danced and made each other laugh. We had the same spiritual beliefs. We never argued. But towards the end there he would tell me he would call then not. It was beginning to upset me. He told my friend that he really liked me a lot and I was great, but things were moving too fast. Then he jumps right in to his previous bad relationship! He said we could still be friends and that we would sing together again, but he hasn't initiated any contact. I see him as wounded. I let him go so he would work on his demons and finish grieving. He said I was right and made him think. Why would he get back with her? Why would he not want what was good between us instead of someone that no one can stand and who dumped him? Link to post Share on other sites
Besmy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I feel so sorry for you. I guess you couldn't have predicted that he would go back with his ex. What he likes about her you'll never know and it doesn't really matter any more. Your sad story once again proves that yes, many people (both genders) do go back to their ex and this is not necessarily related to the good qualities (or lack of them) of the new gf/bf. A big hug. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I think he will still miss you every now and then... But it is not enough for him to come back to you... If it does then he will already come back by now rite..? I'm not saying he won't in the future but let's just focus on the things in the present... Sorry if this hurts you... I would say he went back to her ex because he still loves her... That's the only reason... And most probably during the time he was with you, he still thinks of her very much... Now his action confirm it... He went back to her... Telling you that he loves her more than he loves you... I know this is very hard to accept and many things will not make sense for you rite now... But there is nothing we can do about it... We all kinda hold on to a little bit of hope of some kind... But I will say keep that 'hope' in check... Don't let it consume you... You gotta move on and be happy... Go for to the gym, get new hobbies, do things that you wanted to do this whole time... You are responsible for your own happiness... Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 Here's the thing though: he never said he loved me. He said he cared about me. I asked if he thought he could ever love anyone again beyond the wife that died ten years ago and the girlfriend that died a year ago, and he said he didn't know. He was still grieving. I told him he should take time for himself and not date and that when a man is focused on his financial future and doesn't feel "settled" or satisfied that he can provide, he can't focus on a relationship. I told him I loved him and didn't want to fall IN love only to find that he could never love me back. This woman was a rebound from the one who died. (a). He and (a) broke up after two years and he jumped in with (b). Then she wanted a break and he jumped back in with (a). She broke up with him right before she died because he wouldn't marry her. (because she was dying. . .or was he back with (b))Two months later he is having Christmas with (b) and two months later he is contacting me. He said she broke up with him. So this guy is a rebounder. And the more I talk about this the more I see what a broken person he is. And that's why I felt we should break up. (he didn't have to be so agreeable about it!). He was breaking my spirit. I guess I just want him to see what an idiot he was for not giving me a chance due to fear of getting hurt. Thank you for letting me vent. And he never said he loved this woman. He told me it was a toxic relationship. His children and his family don't like her. She is insecure and high maintenance. Oh, well. He still hasn't healed and now she can be the one stuck with an emotionally unavailable guy! Link to post Share on other sites
lovelustlost Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 well i would suggest u to wait and watch and be his side whenever he needs u. One day or other he will definately feel ur importance and wil come back to u for sure. Love takes time to mature. just relax and have patience Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I will say don't wait for this guy... He is emotionally unstable and he is not ready to provide anyone his love... He don't even love himself to start with... Concentrate in doing better in your life first... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 You are absolutely right, Silly Panda. I just feel so broken. I've never been a rebound before nor have I ever left someone whom I still loved because I knew it wasn't good for me, except once. And that's why I didn't date for two years. I gave up on love. At least now I know my heart isn't dead and I have decided that I don't want to be alone forever. I am getting out with friends now and having fun. I've found a new place to live and am moving at the end of the month. But I miss him. He was just like me in so many ways. Only a guy. He gets to have someone now and I have no one and he will probably never give it a second thought. She doesn't deserve to have his affections. She dumped him! I was good to him! If anything, I think I boosted his ego too much! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) Thank you, everyone. You are helping me alot just by being here Edited September 15, 2011 by Way2blue Double post Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Glad to hear that you are moving on... And most important is that you are able to love again... Just hang in there when the going gets tough... Remember, the guy that deserves your love is just around the corner... You will meet him eventually... Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 (edited) My ex dated me for around 1.5 and then went back to his ex (I think he reconciled while he was still seeing me). He never said he loved me but I think, at least for a good portion of our relationship, that he was serious. I tried to keep things cool becuase like your guy, he was struggling with the real estate business and didn't want to come off naggy or give him something else to worry about. One day he pretty much disappeared with a measly unfinished text message and post-breakup I learn he didn't know what I wanted out of the relationship (valid point but mind you he never asked either). Immediately he was with the girl, posting on Facebook that they are "forever" etc. I wonder if I was the girl he was just passing time with and never stopped loving her, meanwhile me not knowing this history, I fell for him. I've heard stories from friends about how when that relationship goes south, they will usually call but it's likely to happen so far in the future that we're long moved on. I also know that I lost myself a little in the relationship and need to take the lessons learned and get back to the happy, independent person (and ok with being single) person I was before I met him. I hadn't dated for about a year before him and I can't imagine right now someone replacing the comfort and connection I had with him, but if there wasn't someone better out there for me, I guess this would not have happened (the one door closes so another can open adage). There is a part of me that wonders if he'll come back because I think he's a good, likeable person overall. But because he went back to someone that he was already very familiar with and apparently very in love with, I know those chances are slim to none. I was so blindsighted, wondering how they were "in love" so fast that I felt incredibly stupid. But I feel you can't compete with the bond they have with an ex:eek:. NC has helped me and I will be so much better for the next guy. Edited September 17, 2011 by M2155 Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I'm in a similar situation. I met this woman shortly after she brokeup with her b/f and we dated for almost a year. I knew she still had feelings towards him but I thought she would work thru it. I fell in love with her and she told me that she loved me too and she was so very happy,I was the best thing to come along in her life etc etc. and I thought she was over him by me treating her so well and making her feel special, appreciated,loved (her words)etc. Well about 2 months ago she tells me she's going back to her ex. I was and am still blown away and I know how you feel,, it's horrible!! All I can say is take the advise you have been given here. It has helped me SO VERY MUCH. At 1st I wanted her back soooooo bad but now almost 2 months later I'm questioning that. So much damage has been done and it could never be the same. I'd let the person know how you feel, what you want without getting upset and emotional and leave it at that!! Go strictly into N.C. I'm sure you are aware by reading from other peoples experiences here DO NOT beg, plead, cry, constantly call, text etc. It will only push them further away from you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Way2blue Posted September 18, 2011 Author Share Posted September 18, 2011 Well, silly me. I called him. I told him I had a feeling something was going on and asked if he was ok. It was an amicable conversation just like two old friends and it turned out he had been having conflicts the past few days. I let him talk about himself for about a half hour then told him I was moving, etc and it ended with "stay in touch" and he said he would. Stupid me again. I texted him today and told him I don't have too much pride to say I miss his friendship and will always be here as a friend if he needs one. I let him know I realize he has someone and am not trying to make him uncomfortable or trying to change his mind. Just wanted him to know if he ever needs someone to talk to I'll be here and that I'm not looking for a reply. I didn't get a reply, either. With that off my chest I think I can go into nc now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts