siuys Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I haven't been on here for a few months now. I thought I'd share my experience... Brief history: A with xMM lasted 16 months, of which he was living on his own for 6 of those months. Classic flip-flopper, he moved out, then back with W, broke up with me twice, then came back, then eventually moved out again in June, professing love for me and the 'have faith and we'll get there' talk. If you really want to read more crappy stories you are welcome to search for my threads. The entire time he was at home I was waiting for him. I tried to move on, without success. Broke up, got back together, NC.... rinse and repeat. I thought we had something so special and we're so connected all that BS. I thought we loved each other, and had a future together. He did his fair share of future faking and I did my share of idealizing him. We both did our fair share of idealizing the R, and each other. Long story short, after he moved out the second time, things were good for about 6 weeks (his consistency never lasted longer than that). Increasingly, I felt the inconsistency, the ambiguity was coming back, and realized he did not have both his feet in the R. I think he did at one stage, but by month three after he moved out the second time, I think he had a bloody toenail left in it! I had enough evidence that it wasn't working for me, and every cell of my body was telling me to get out. Reality is, I was the transitional person – an airbag for him as he left his W and started his new life. He probably thought (or maybe he lied) he wanted a committed R with me, but truth is, he is not capable, and may never be. I knew I had to get out because all the signs were there – non-commitment, inconsistency, blowing hot and cold, having the R on his terms, not compromising, incompatibility etc. I was unhappy, started to think about breaking up every day for the past two weeks, and starting looking at him with fresh eyes. I was starting to lose my self respect (I think I probably started way earlier) as well as respect for him. I knew I had to end it. How do I feel? Relieved, actually. I no longer feel stressed. No longer have to wonder about this or that. I can live my life now on my terms totally. No more MM, no more confused, separated man, no more BS. Some would say it's easier to break it off now because I have had the chance to try it out in real life. That maybe true but the signs were there. At least in my case. I guess I didn't want to see them, and I was justifying his behaviour for him! Some will say but he is newly separated you have to be patient and understanding... well, I have had enough of being patient and understanding. In a way, I am glad it crashed and burned this quickly so I don't have to waste any more time. Breaking up feels much easier this time as I now have both my feet firmly in reality. No more illusions. No more fantasy. It hurts a bit but funnily enough, not even that much. And you know what's also good? I never have to meet and deal with his kids or ex-W (we never had a D-Day). I don't have to be in an R with so many limitations, and with someone who is essentially not healthy. I am not saying he did not love me. He probably did, just not very much. At the end of the day, no one will take care of me like I can. Lots of lessons learnt here. Never again. Life goes on.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Oh Siuys. I am so sorry to here your news. Its not easier in fact I am sure it is far more disappointing to have gotten that far and find that it didnt work out. Its almost impossible to know whether certain behaviors are because the MM is married or because its just not a match. Im really sorry things didnt turn out differently Big hugs
Gentlegirl Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 You gave him a trial and he turned out to be a lemon. Just be celebrating that you know NOW . I couldn't bear somebody who flip flopped all over the place...either he wants you or he doesn't I feel you have saved yourself a lot of time and heartache. I don;t know about being the only one who can look after him... would you really want to long term? He sounds about as mature as a preschooler. Gentlegirl
Author siuys Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Oh Siuys. I am so sorry to here your news. Its not easier in fact I am sure it is far more disappointing to have gotten that far and find that it didnt work out. Its almost impossible to know whether certain behaviors are because the MM is married or because its just not a match. Im really sorry things didnt turn out differently Big hugs thanks, jj33. yes, it is most disappointing but it's reality. i think the behaviour stems from him still messed up and not knowing really what he wants, and now i know also from incompatibility. live and learn.
Author siuys Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 You gave him a trial and he turned out to be a lemon. Just be celebrating that you know NOW . I couldn't bear somebody who flip flopped all over the place...either he wants you or he doesn't I feel you have saved yourself a lot of time and heartache. I don;t know about being the only one who can look after him... would you really want to long term? He sounds about as mature as a preschooler. Gentlegirl Gentlegirl, let me assure you that you are not the only one to think he is immature and has a lot of growing up to do. i suppose i did too. i feel very naive. and yes, better to know now than in a year.
Silly_Girl Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Really sorry to hear things didn't pan out as you'd hoped. You do talk a lot of sense and reason but I know it's still going to sting like billy-oh. I hope the healing process is robust and short for you. Best wishes.
woinlove Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 siuys, I remember how painful it was for you earlier. It's good to hear you sounding so much better. Good for you. And I agree with you, better now than later to see things clearly. Whether MM/MW stay in the M or leave, they typically have to do a lot of work to change into someone capable of being in a committed R and loving someone fully. Real change is difficult and many don't do it.
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