JohnP82 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 (edited) Hello all. I decided to post this in the dating section because I think it's something that most people experience, not just us in LDR. A little background. My girlfriend and I are in a LDR. She's back in grad school and I'm in the city working. Basically I'm feeling insecure about my girlfriend hanging out with a couple of guys a lot. She has friends of both sexes, but I feel like I hear about these two guys all of the time. She has never given me a reason to believe that she would cheat, but I just don't feel comfortable with this. Last night they were with a group going out, tonight the two of them are going to watch a movie together, and a couple of weeks ago he takes her out to dinner to cheer her up. Bottom line they're always around. I guess I don't understand why a couple of straight single guys would want to fill their social calendar with a girl in a relationship. I remember being single and I have friends that are girls that were in relationships. We would hang out sometimes, but not all of the time. I don't know how to tell her how I'm feeling without coming off as insecure, although that's what I am feeling. I certainly don't want to prevent her from having friends whoever they may be. Is this a case of my girlfriend not setting appropriate boundaries, her being naive, me being insecure, shady guys? Please help. Edited September 11, 2011 by JohnP82
OhSynapse Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 As much as you don't want to sound insecure to her, you really really should talk to her about your concerns. Let her know why hanging out with the two guys bother you. Just make sure to not accuse her of anything. My bf and I were also in an LDR, and like your gf, my closest friends are two guys. I made sure my bf understand that nothing would happen from the beginning. My friends and I always hung out in groups, so it was never a one-on-one setting. I think your gf's friend taking her out to dinner is pushing it a little bit. The only time I eat alone with another male friend is during a quick lunch in between classes or something. Never something fancy or date-like. Different people have different boundaries. Let her know yours, so you guys can work on ways to make things comfortable for both you and her.
Author JohnP82 Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Thanks for the reply. We've been together for 10 months but have know each other for 12 years so I feel comfortable just having an honest conversation with her. Should it be something like "You know I don't feel comfortable with ....."
Purelogic Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 ok 1)she know these guys before you and their just friends 2) these guys like her if one just tell her that you know that she has friends and a life but it really makes you uncomfortable with her hangng out with guys all he time, your not telling her to stop,but how it makes you feel. if its the second one you got real trouble...some guys like to wait in the wing I dont want to scare you but chances are they could be waiting for you and your gf to hit a rough spot and then they swoop in and look like white knights to get what they really want. Ask your gf if she has any feeling for any of these guys.
muse08 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I think you were being humble when you wrote the title to this thread. I don't think you're being insecure at all. The average person would probably pause and think about a situation like this. I too have many friends who happen to be guys. Yes, I'm a strong willed female and pretty free spirited, but when I'm seriously dating another guy I know that I have to give the guy respect by not"hanging" out with my guy friends "all"the time. Why does your gf feel the need to be with these guys all the time. The fact of the matter is if they are not gay, she should maintain some boundaries. Not saying she should never ever see the guys, but even if they are friends, being with them all the time doesn't make sense to me. Ask her how she's feel if you took females out to dinner and movies. Give her a chance to respond and see if she changes. Question for you. Do you spend any quality time with her? Do you at least try?
robdrm32 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 "Is this a case of my girlfriend not setting appropriate boundaries, her being naive, me being insecure, shady guys?" All of the above, but the insecurity on your part is more of a cause and effect situation rather than a personality trait. Why would guys hang around a girl that's in a relationship? Because they don't care about your relationship. Like the others have said talk to her, but don't be meek about it. She is going to play it off as no big deal. "oh, they know I have a b/f" "They know nothing is going to happen" BS. if they knew nothing was gonna happen they would spend a majority of their time with other women. Don't accuse her but don't let her play it off as no big deal, and don't look at it as telling her who she can and can't be friends with. All you are doing is setting boundaries.
cdm369 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Pretty much agree with everyone else. Boundaries have to be set. I have os friends but out of respect for my fiance I don't hang out with them unless she is with me. Its a fact that most affairs or cheats whether physical or emotional start with this kind of situation. No matter if intended or not she is putting herself in a position to fail. We are all human and shouldn't put ourselves in such positions. If hour R starts to have problems it will be too easy for her to turn to one of them and that's bad news. One of them will be waiting....and this is my opinion but it says a lot about her guy friend that he would go out with her knowing she is in a relationship. Tells me he has no respect. I have been there before...speaking from experience...it was done to me.
SierraRose Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Honesty is the best policy. Talk to her.
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