Question for those that were married for over 10-20 years and went through a divorce

[FeelingEmptyNow]

Few questions for the old timers on the board.

 

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

 

Thanks.

Edited September 11, 2011 by FeelingEmptyNow

[Dark Phoenix]

I've never been married, but I saw this thread heading down to the bottom of the page with no answers. So in extension to a "bump" I'll give my own personal opinions to these questions.

 

 

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

 

I have no regrets meeting my ex, I got to experience a whole new aspect of life while we were together and even though we are no longer together I have good memories to look back on.

 

If I could turn back the hands of time I still would have done everything the same way, even if I knew for certain that the relationship would end.

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

 

As I said in the beginning, I've never been married. But there were signs during the relationship that it wouldn't last forever that I looked at with a blind eye. biggest ones being: She dumped me then we got back together, a week or two before dumping me she started a sentence with "I'm not breaking up with you but..."

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

 

Don't marry the wrong person.

[Frank13]

Few questions for the old timers on the board.

 

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

 

 

Yes, I absolutely regret meeting that person. It is the only real regret I have in my life. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have approached her. My marriage has been the darkest years of my life. I feel like my life has been wasted.

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

 

Yes, there were signs. I didn't love her and I wasn't in love with her.

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

Thanks.

 

Yes, stay single.

[FeelingEmptyNow]

Yes, I absolutely regret meeting that person. It is the only real regret I have in my life. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have approached her. My marriage has been the darkest years of my life. I feel like my life has been wasted.

 

Yes, there were signs. I didn't love her and I wasn't in love with her.

 

Yes, stay single.

 

How long were you married for?

[carhill]

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

 

No regrets. Would have engaged in PMC before marrying, as something I would have done 'differently'. We were engaged about 9 months and dated/were together about 20 months prior to being married.

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

 

The most marked for myself was that my exW often ignored me, like I didn't exist. That was a significant signpost to what later would be identified as markedly different and ultimately incompatible emotional styles. I overlooked her abusive childhood and prior marital failures to my own detriment. PMC would have brought those issues to the fore and we could have worked them to a healthy state or parted ways then, prior to M.

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

 

Pay careful attention to family and marital/relationship history. What you're looking for is compatibility of 'styles' of relating, as much as regarding money, religion, children and other obvious issues. My exW and I did well on the obvious issues, a factor which was underscored by our amicable divorce, but misconnected at some key elemental levels.

 

We were legally married for ten years and two months.

[Lis007]

1. No I dont regret meeting him and creating our beautiful children together. In those early years we were so much in love.

 

2. At about the 10 year mark we seemed to have problems with intimacy and focused to much on our kids unstead of us. Had we handled this better at the time we might still be together today.

 

3. Don't be afraid to seek counselling.

Love unconditionally and don't forget to show your love daily.

Dream together and always have plans in the pipeline of things to do together

Put yourselves #1! Dont let kids rule you or distance you from each other.

Walk together, talk together, laugh together, and make love a decision that you will never back down on.

[Frank13]

How long were you married for?

 

For 20 years.

[oldguy]

Few questions for the old timers on the board.

 

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

except for the children, I've wondered from time to time; what would have been, sure. But I'm happy where I am now & if anyone has ever considered 'the butterfly effect' it usually brings a quick halt to to those sort of imaginings :-)

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

The 2 young people who couldn't wait to be married & spend the rest of their lives together where obviously not the same 2 people who divorced 20 some years later.

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

Marry your best friend & ask yourself every morning; 'what can I do today to make this relationship better'? we all grow & change, you can either commit to growing together or you will grow apart, things will not remain the same.

[jaymz]

1. No I dont regret meeting him and creating our beautiful children together. In those early years we were so much in love.

 

2. At about the 10 year mark we seemed to have problems with intimacy and focused to much on our kids unstead of us. Had we handled this better at the time we might still be together today.

 

3. Don't be afraid to seek counselling.

Love unconditionally and don't forget to show your love daily.

Dream together and always have plans in the pipeline of things to do together

Put yourselves #1! Dont let kids rule you or distance you from each other.

Walk together, talk together, laugh together, and make love a decision that you will never back down on.

 

I could have written the above myself, very good advise.

[Zaphod B]

1). Besides any children that you may have with your ex, do you regret ever meeting that person and if you could turn back the hands of time, what would you have done differently?

 

A tough question and I have often wondered about what I would have done if I'd repeated life again. One thing is for sure, even if kids are involved you can't replay things exactly, especially not when it comes to sex and concieving your children. Your attitudes and who you are would be different. You just couldn't do it the same - no way, even if you managed to work out when you concieved your children, chances are a different sperm would fertilise that egg.

 

I think if I were to live life again, I'd avoid my ex-wife and look for someone else. I could never be sexually attracted to her again, even if she was the young, shapely babe she was when I first met her.

 

2). Were there signs before the marriage that it wasn't going to be forever but you got married anyways? If so, what were they?

 

No. We were convinced we were meant to be together. She seemed so perfect to me and she seemed to think I was perfect. We believed that "God" wanted us to be together.

 

3). Any advice on marriage?

 

1) If the woman makes minor issues out of things, treat them as major issues.

 

2) Never rely on a woman to be rational and logical when emotions are involved.

 

3) remember to always do thoughtful little things to show you love them.

 

4) Try to find new and interesting things that you can both do together so you don't get caught up in dull routines.

 

5) When it comes to sex, be open about what you like and don't like. Don't get caught up in missionary position sex all your life. Try to make it exciting. Experiment a little and have fun.

 

Those are the first things that come to mind. No doubt I could list a lot more if I thought hard about it.

[Zaphod B]

The 2 young people who couldn't wait to be married & spend the rest of their lives together where obviously not the same 2 people who divorced 20 some years later.

 

Excellent point. I know for me and my ex (we were married 11 years), we were completely different people by the time we broke up. We were both heading in seperate directions.